Calculated Spontaneity

Low

2011-11-20T20:20:00.000+08:00

I have had 10 helpers in 18 months and I don't think that it is doing me or my kids any good. It has traumatized me and my children but I have no choice but to keep getting helpers because I do not have anyone who can take care of my children permanently while I am at work. It is very stressful because it drives me to the point where sometimes anger wells up in me asking why I can't have my Mom or Dad anymore.
I think that I have been trying to deny my feelings of late to pretend that I am ok. I miss my Mom terribly. Even if it has been 6 years, I can't say that the intensity of the feelings have improved in any way. Circumstances like these even make it worse and harder for me to try to move on from the feelings of grief. I don't like it because it hampers my everyday outlook on life. It brings about feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I find myself thinking of "if only" thoughts all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for them because they don't have anyone permanent in their life - except for me and their Dad of course but seeing a new face every other month just makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them that no one ever stays for good to look after them while both the husband and I are at work. I feel the saddest for my youngest because he has been under the watch of too many caregivers and he is only 2 and a half years old. My eldest grew up with my parents around, my second had a nanny who stayed around until he was 4 years old.
I'm feeling really low right now.

Sugar High

2011-11-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

Trick or Treat!!!

My 5 Year Old

2011-10-31T20:39:00.000+08:00

Me: Baby, come here pls. Baby! come here, baby.
(calling my 5 year old)

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms!

Me: Well, you are my baby. Come here baby.

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms! I'm a lad.

Me: What?! Lad?! Do you know what a lad is?

Dash: Yes. A small boy.

Me: Uhh ok. Come here then, lad.

Dash: Coming lass!

Me: (Thinking, seriously?!?)

Me: Lass? Am I a lass?

Dash: Yes, you're a small girl.

Me: Small girl? I'm a small girl?

Dash: Yes, you're much smaller than Dad.

Thanks kid. I mean, thanks lad.

Really.

Part Time writing

2011-10-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to write articles as a part time job, does anyone have any idea how to get started? I tried searching for writing opportunities through craigslist.com and saw a few postings where I could possibly apply. So I sent an email to the indicated links but have not heard from them. I wonder if this means I am not qualified? I also sent my resume to another email ad. I was asked how much my rate is and when I did reply, they never got back to me.
Any more ideas, anyone? Need to earn extra income.

Nipping It At The Bud

2011-10-26T21:41:00.000+08:00

I went to see a child therapist today. It all started with my desire to have my kids assessed in terms of their intellectual and cognitive skills mainly for my 5 year old because at 5 years old and in his last year of pre school, his teachers say that he is ready for 1st grade. In our country, one must be at least 6 1/2 years old when the child enters 1st grade. Dash turns 6 in May and if we do decide to put him in 1st grade by June of next year, will only be 6 and a few days old when he starts grade school. My questions are, is he really ready - intellectually and emotionally?
Since I have a friend who is a child therapist and works at a center for childrens needs, I asked her opinion and she was very supportive and thought it would be a good idea for me to have the boys assessed. In the first place, they do not allow mere assessment (testing). The kids will also have to go through play sessions to evoke a more wholistic picture of the child to the therapist.
As the session went on, I talked about my 3 boys giving detailed descriptions of each of them. As the session went on, the therapists perception of the picture I painted in her mind was that Josh, my eldest, is the one who needs the assessment the most.
Josh is a boy who has seen a lot. He was born to me when I was a teenager and when I had him, I didn't exactly mature overnight. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother back then. I was torn between the fact that I needed to be a mother but I also still wanted to do things that teenagers did. When Josh was only 2, he witnessed 3 deaths in the family - my mom, my dad and my husbands dad - all of whom were very close to him. After my parents death, times were tough. I was also 6weeks pregnant with my second My husband was also having a hard time coping with his dads death. I often turned to Josh and poured out my heart to my then 3 year old son. I remember he would sit beside me and listen to me cry while stroking my hair. After that, things happened so fast, I had my 2nd child and then my 3rd. Josh was in a way, required to grow up too soon.
Toady, I have a very kind 9 year old but often times I notice that he worries too much and can get anxious easily especially when he finds himself in uncertain situations. He sometimes lacks confidence in the things he does as he is often overshadowed by the assertiveness of Dash.
This is all preemptive I think. Plus I would also want to hear it from someone else -- whatever there is to be said. So we start in 2 weeks - meaning Josh will be going for his first session with the therapist.
We'll see where this will take us. Somewhere, I know.

Getting Started. Back to Business.

2011-10-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

With the husband away for the past 3 weeks for training with his new job (yey! more on that later), we were able to spend 5 days together for a short vacation. He noticed how whiny and (possibly) bratty our 2 year old was everytime he was around me. It irritated the heck out of Jet everytime Arrow would want to get what he wants and it irritated him more when I would (in Jet's opinion) give in to Arrows wants.
It did irk me though when Jet would always, always try to drive home his opinion that, "Arrow has me tied around his finger." Point taken, whining is extremely annoying and can drain the strength out of me or anyone for that matter. Many times I would also want to snap at Arrow but there was one thing that always held me back.
With my eldest, he was surrounded by grandparents (both my parents and my husbands dad) who made him his world. I was 19 and still a student when I had my eldest and so my parents and my father in law gave us so much support when it came to raising Josh. This even meant my son preferring to sleep with my Mom over sleeping beside me. He was extremely loved.
My 2nd son, Dash grew up with Reyma, his nanny who loved him very much. She practically raised him since birth up until he was 4 years old. I returned back to work when Dash was only 8 weeks old and I would leave him most of the day with the nanny. Dash loved her very much also and he found comfort in her.
With my youngest, all he has is me - which is how things should really actually be. And maybe, for whatever reason, I want to be a better mother this time and be who I wasn't able to be to my 2 sons when they were also Arrow's age. Arrow no longer has his Lola or Lolo or Grampa or Reyma to run to but he has me and I want to him to always feel that until he is much older. Maybe I am filled with guilt which is why I am trying to make up for all of those feelings now. Maybe. I am still trying to sort through my feelings about this. Bottom line is, I just want Arrow to know that no matter what, there will be someone who will forever defend him, understand him and most of all, love him unconditionally.

OMG. It's September already.

2011-09-03T10:59:00.001+08:00

I'm back. I hope. I can't believe where the whole of August went. The "ber" months are here and soon Christmas will be just around the corner. Last weekend a typhoon passed out city leaving so much damage and the rains had been pouring since then. The sun only decided to come out today.

Many things have been happening. For one, the husband has been applying for a job and we are praying that he does get this one he has been called back for for a final interview. I am the more anxious one I think. Three kids is a lot of financial responsibility. And deny it or not, one working parents salary will never be enough.

Anyway, everything else has been the same old. With the 2 older kids going to school and the littlelest one growing to be a fine young little boy.

How have you been?

My Growing Boy

2011-07-25T18:13:00.000+08:00

He has one heck of an appetite. This 9 year old of mine can't get enough of anything!! He munched down a Bully Boy Burger - three beef patties in between 2 burger buns.

The New Pet

2011-07-24T17:59:00.000+08:00

The kids have a pet. Note how I am trying my best not to include myself in the ownership of the new pet. It's a dog. The cousin of my Aunt gave it to her and since we have a very domineering grown dog owned by my Aunts who live downstairs, my Aunt decided that it would be best if the puppy stayed upstairs with us since we have a gate that will separate it from the big domineering dog named Bugs.

(Don't we just love kids fashion???)

My kids love him. We they have not yet come up with an official name for it yet. I love it that my kids love the new member of the family. My only apprehension is the attachment it will cause. It is inevitable and I am dreading it.

2011-07-23T06:51:00.000+08:00

A TV channel once featured "The best jobs in the world" which mainly focused on jobs in the US. Jobs like that of eBay where employees are actually encouraged to buy stuff from eBay. If you were a shopper like me, I'm sure you'd want that job too! Another job was at some sport equipment manufacturer where employees had to be out of the office at least half of the day trying out their various products from surf boards to bicycles. For a sports enthusiast, I am sure one would die for this job.

My dream job would be something that would have to do with travel. Maybe a host of a travel show or a professional blogger who writes about the many wonders of the world. Traveling is such a rich experience regardless of age. Exposure to other cultures allows us to appreciate so many things - things we do not have and things we already have. It becomes an experience like no other where we get to absorb the many wonders the world has to offer which we usually fail to see because of the busy, busy worlds we allow ourselves to get absorbed in.

I'd write about the beauty of the city where I live, how it was named as the Summer Capital of the Philippines by the Americans in the 1940's when life in the country's capital of Manila became too hot thus pushing the Americans to look for a cooler place to hold National Assemblies, etc. It is a small city with old timers who comfortably live a slow paced life. In the years that have past, Baguio City has developed into its own identity. One may say it has lost the old, rustic small city life with the entrance of big malls, franchised restaurants and I would have to agree that in a way Baguio is not the old Baguio anymore. But there are still places in Baguio that one can still go to to enjoy Baguio as it has. Good food is what Baguio can also boast about especially if you know where to go.

Chocolate cake and Chicken and Chips at Honey in The Rock.

Restaurants that offer good food in Baguio are usually owned by families who have been in the business for generations. Years ago when life was simpler, these restaurants were places families would go to when there would be special occasions like a birthday or if someone graduated. Now a days, eating out has become nothing but normal. Other good places to go to for food would be Omai Khan, Rosebowl, Forest House or Mario's.

Food at Forest House

The Philippines has also so much more to offer especially the beaches since we are surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and the China Sea. Just an hour away from Baguio is the province of La Union which has black sand beaches. When we want to escape reality on a rather low budget and with just 2 days to spend, we head of to the beaches of La Union.

Heading Home

2011-07-16T06:35:00.000+08:00

We are heading home today! Jet's IV has been removed and we are waiting for the discharge orders from the doctor. He is in a cast already and will have it on for the next 3 weeks. He will have to go for rehab after his cast has been removed. Bad news is, he will have to be operated on again after 3 months to remove the screws! Boo.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Where We Are

2011-07-15T08:38:00.000+08:00

We're still at the hospital. Jet's surgery lasted for about 3 hours and stayed i the recovery room for about an hour and half. Regardless of what the case is, to have a loved on in the hospital can be very stressful. The emotions one feels can become very overwhelming. For me, it also brings back a whole lot of memories of Mom and Dad and their days spent in the hospital.

Anyway, so far, Jet has been recovering pretty well although he is still in pain. We also learned from the doctor that Jet will need to be operated on after about 3 months to remove the screws - which upon finding out turned Jet's mood very sour.

Hopefully we get to go home by tomorrow. Crossing fingers!!

Off We Go

2011-07-12T05:58:00.000+08:00

We're off to the hospital today and will be staying there for at least 4 days. Eeeep. This is Jet's first time in his 30 years of life to be hospitalized so he is totally freaked out. I really pray his surgery goes well, there will be no complications and he will recover fast. Am I asking for too much??

In the meantime, here are some photos of the littlelest guy when we went to do some errands last weekend

Of Things That Happened

2011-07-10T07:40:00.000+08:00

We came from the doctor yesterday - to have Dash's wound cleaned and to talk to Jet's ortho sugeon.

Dash's wound is healing very well although his pedia still wants it covered so as to avoid any bacterial infection. He hardly feels any pain now so I think he will be OK.

On to the more serious matter. We got to talk to Jet's ortho surgeon who has decided to operate on him Wednesday morning. He will be doing 3 procedures - and I do not really remember the medical terms - but he will basically be doing an elbow reconstruction. I asked the doctor how bad it was and the doctor said, "very." Sheesh. The radial head of his elbow was shattered but the doctor will never really know the extent of the damage until he opens it up. If the radial head was damaged by only about 30%, then it will not require anything major but if more than that was damaged then the surgeon will have to use a couple of titanium screws to put things in place. Jet will have to stay in the hospital for about 3-4 days, will be in a cast for 4-6 weeks and will need rehab for about 3 months.

Meanwhile, I didn't get that job I was applying for at the other company and I didn't get the promoted at work this year.

Set backs aside, everything else is OK.

Happy Sunday everyone.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2011-07-08T08:30:00.000+08:00

On Monday morning, we rushed my 5 year old son to the ER. He accidentally spilled his very hot soup on his right thigh. He was very brave and didn't cry. The doctors cleaned his wounds and wrapped it in a bandage. He was a trooper. He is ok now and will be brought for follow up check up tomorrow.

Tuesday was my birthday.

On Wednesday, my husband and 9 year old son went to play basketball. A little before 5PM, my husband called and said he was on his way to the ER again! I left work and rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately, my husband suffered a bad fall. Upon confirmation from the doctors, based on the x-ray results, he suffered an elbow fracture. It is swelling until now so right now he is just in a semi cast. By tomorrow, we will know if and when he will be operated on since the radial plate of his elbow was shattered.

Its Essence

2011-06-30T07:52:00.000+08:00

Today officially marks the end of the first half of the year. Whenever I have my own quiet time, I always find myself thinking of how I have been spending my time. I think I give a lot of importance to how one's time is spent. When I was younger - carefree and self centered, I could sit around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing, thinking of nothing. My goodness, I cannot go back to those days and imagine how much time was wasted on absolutely nothingness (if there is such a word)!

Soon, Christmas songs will fill the air. My kids will soon turn a year older again. The rainy season will end and we will welcome summer into our lives again. We will welcome a new year again.

Time goes by. Our lives go by. I want to make it worth looking back on.

Tid Bits

2011-06-29T07:40:00.000+08:00

Words that come out of my mouth most of the time when at home:

NO!

STOP!

ENOUGH!

Talk about being more positive!!!

-

I just realized that I have a fascination for names that start with the letter "D." I was watching a show and the name of the baby was Daxton. I loved the name. I initially wanted to name my second son Dathan - but I realized that Dathan in the Bible was swallowed up by the earth. I believe in the importance of a name. So I decided not to name him that. I still gave him a name that starts with the letter D. I also always liked the name Dustin as in Dustin Hoffman.

-

I can't help but wonder why after more than a month of jogging, I haven't lost weight! How many minutes and how many heart beats per minute must I maintain in order to say that my workout was "successful?" On the other hand, I must also control my food consumption!! Argghh.

-

I am starting to seriously potty train my toddler. He is now 2 years and 4 months old and I feel he is ready. He is the youngest one among my 3 boys who started potty training. My eldest took the longest to train at 3 years and 4 months! Getting rid of diapers will cut down a lot on my monthly budget. So, wish me all the luck!

Eastern Parenting : How It Was For Me

2011-06-22T21:34:00.002+08:00

I would love to read this. Why? Because I can relate to it although I cannot say that I have had the same exact experience as the daughters of the author but in a way, I was raised in a family where we were never to settle for nothing but excellent.

Perfection is something not foreign to me. It was my goal for many years when I was much younger. Although my dad was careful enough to stay away from directly telling me that he wanted nothing but perfection, I could read in between the lines. The way he would make me repeat things if he didn't seem pleased with the way it was done, to his facial expressions that painted disappointment when I would present him with my scores of schoolwork / homework that weren't perfect or his rhetorical dispositions when he would be intoxicated where his tongue loosened up and finally expressed his desire for perfection in everything.

My parents always made me feel loved. That is not a question and never will be. But please don't ask me why love and acceptance do not quite add up - in my case, that is. I always felt loved but I never felt that I was good enough. When I would do something wrong, I would never hear the end of it. If I did something good / commendable / that deserved recognition, I would never hear appreciation. Like it was nothing special.

Criticisms never ended. When I was criticized for something and would do my best to improve on it, my Dad would move on to the next. It never ended. He would tell me that he always believed in me, that I was talented, that I had so much potential. As I look back on those times, those things he told me is what I believe carried me through. I may have used those to build my confidence.

I know my parents wanted me to have a normal childhood as possible, given that I was an only child. My playmates were mostly my cousins. Unlike kids in my 4th grade class, I never owned a Nintendo. I only had 1 Barbie doll while my other classmates had at least 5. I also took piano lessons. I was enrolled in ballet and taekwondo. When I got to highschool and felt a bit too old for ballet, I wasn't allowed to stop until I reached toe class. In taekwondo I got my blackbelt as well.

No matter how much my parents would tell me how much I could achieve, there would always be the phrase "if only you would be..." attached to it. So despite the slight morale boosts once in a while, I was more insecure than confident. I always found myself unsure of myself. I always craved for assurance that what I was doing was right, that what I was doing was correct, etc. And when I would "fail," instead of taking it on as a greater challenge, I would tell myself "that's what you get because you don't deserve it anyway."

For years I have been battling with so many insecurities. I find it difficult to believe in myself even when people around me say otherwise.

It's a choice I guess on how a child will take on how his/her parents raise them. I chose to rebel although not intentionally. I found myself drinking and smoking at the age of 14. I skipped school. I got myself pregnant at 19. And in my mind I thought, there, see? I am really not perfect.

So maybe the choice I made is one of my bigger regrets. Young and impulsive, I chose not to see it as something for my own good. I didn't choose to find happiness in how my parents were raising me. I decided to go the other way. The road usually traveled. I ended up lost. And there, I brought more disappointment to my parents, my Dad especially. And in a way, I paved my own unhappiness - at that time.

At almost 30, I am just slowly starting to shake off the excess baggage. I have so much. I am slowly trying to accept myself for who I am. I want to be able to say that I can do so much but I am taking those steps rather slowly. I know I don't have much time to wallow in my past. I have 3 kids to think of. I need to discover how I will raise them. Hard as it is to admit, I have developed some "Chinese Mom" characteristics (more on that in another post) and I am battling with whether I should try dropping those practices altogether.

I really don't know if it has done me any good. I would want to believe that it has.

This Is It

2011-06-20T13:53:00.000+08:00

How I wish I could be like most people who happily say that as they look back on their life, they have no regrets whatsoever about anything. Wow. I have tons of regrets which I am slowly coming to terms so that I get to let go of so much anger and bitterness bottled up inside me. A few years ago, I would say that I had no regrets but after years of reflection and realizations, I told myself that I had to be true to myself.

On the few occasions where the kids complaining & whining die down, the rants of the husband seem to tame down and I find my world quieting down, I get to listen to my heart - to its rumbling and its tears rolling down and there I find myself in touch with my more human side. I am able to pour out a lot of my "oh how I wish" feelings. I no longer cringe at those thoughts. Instead I choose to come face to face with it and look them in the eye. They scare me sometimes but I choose not to pack them away in an old chest and hide it away from my heart. I'm stronger now, older now and more determined. When I feel my heart about to break, I don't hold it back anymore. I allow it to- because that what will make me more and more of a person. I know it will heal.

So here I am trying be more of myself day by day. This time truer. More human.

For Their Dad

2011-06-19T11:13:00.000+08:00

The boys look up to you

They like copying you

They enjoy it when you rumble and tumble with them

There's never a dull moment spent with you

But no one ever said you were perfect

Yet, they love you

You are for them, the best

Happy Father's Day!

When It Rained, It Poured

2011-06-14T17:57:00.000+08:00

I promised myself that part of my going back to blogging included my being true to myself and since this blog is open to the public, I understand that whatever I write here may be read by anyone in the world. But again, this blog is for me to express myself and write down whatever it is I feel.

Almost more than a year ago, the storms came. They came without giving me any time to recover from the previous one. They left broken branches, piles of pine needles and they left scars in my heart. Unable to recuperate fast, I found myself slowly withdrawing from my own self starting drown myself in my own sorrows and slowly spiraling down into the dungeon of self pity. Months passed and the rains got stronger and the winds blew harder. I was beginning to accept the fact that I would be living in a stormy world, one where I would never see the sun shine anymore.

People could not sense I was being battered by so many storms. Maybe I was that good at putting up a front. But inside, in my little secret world that I built I was drenched in the rain.

On New Year's Eve, my eyes tired of crying the truth dawned upon me and that when I realized that I did have a choice. I could decide whether or not I still wanted to see the sun. Not for the sake of my kids nor my husband but for myself.

Coming out of the rain was not easy, in fact on some occasions I still feel a little drizzle once in a while and still hear the soft clapping of the thunder. Every once in a while I still fear that the storms may come again but for now, at least I see the rainbow.

Thinking

2011-06-13T19:56:00.000+08:00

I've been trying to decide whether to start giving my 9 year old 3rd grader an allowance. Since he started school, I have always bought him his snacks which he brings to school. Since he started gradeschool, I have been hearing more and more stories from him about his classmates buying their snack at their canteen. In fairness to their school, they are strict about the food their concessionaire sells. No junk food and chocolates. I have been to their canteen and have seen the food they serve. For his lunch, I buy lunch stubs which he uses to buy his lunch.

As far as I can remember, when I was younger i always had an allowance. It was always my choice whether to spend it all on what I wanted to buy in school or to save a part of it.

I really don't know why I never practiced it with my son wen he started school. Sometimes I think I should start giving him an allowance so that he starts appreciating the concept of saving. On the other hand, I am also a bit apprehensive for reasons I am not really sure of.

More Of These Puhleeeezz

2011-06-11T17:44:00.000+08:00

I've been on leave from work since Monday. I have been lovin' every single breathing second of it! This week, I did the laundry leisurely without rushing. Just plain enjoying the whole soaking time, washing time, rinsing time and spinning time. I also got to do some gardening which for me was sort of symbolic especially when I was pulling out the unwanted weeds. Just like pulling out the unwanted weeds in my life! I got to meet up with our Pastor as well. I have been bringing my children to school and picking them up as well. Last Monday I was able to make lasagna and this afternoon I got to prepare guacamole with corn chips. Very simple things I give so much importance to because when I have work, it's as if there are so many things going on that I always find myself rushing to finish things because i feel like there are a million other things to do after I finish one thing.

Aside from those I have mentioned, I was also able to go to the grocery at 9 freakin' o clock in the morning!! How awesome is that? I usually run to the grocery during my lunch break, so much as I love doing the grocery, I am always as usual rushing. I also got to watch X-Men First Class - cool movie which has gotten me very interested in this whole Professor X - Magneto thing which never appealed to me in the past! And then I also got to watch The Rite. And am half way through The Hangover 2.

Ahhh. I have 3 more days to go and I plan to make the most out of it. And oh yes, because I am home most of the time, I have decided to start trying to potty train the littlelest one! So far the peeing has been v. successful (knock on wood I don't want to jinx myself!) The pooping can come later.

I Love This.

On Keeping Toddlers Busy

2011-06-10T21:40:00.001+08:00

How far would you go to keep your toddler quiet and behaved especially when in an important situation. Today the husband and I went to meet with our pastor and we had to bring Arrow - the demanding 2 year old with us. Even if we knew it would have been better not to tag him along, we had no choice. As usual, at the beginning Arrow was well behaved probably still warming up. Half way thru, he started to get restless. So I gave him my cellphone which kept him busy for a nano second. Then i tried talking him to him properly and politely but to no avail. While whining, he discovered the pack of facial tissue in my bag. Thankfully, he kept quiet. But it was because he kept pulling out and pulling out sheets and sheets of tissue. When there was a whole pile in front of him, he started tearing them into strips. My husband who was sitting in front of me started to widen his eyes as if trying to tell me to do something to make Arrow stop. But our Pastor was in the middle of sharing something important and Arrow was keeping quiet with his wonderful activity of making a mess in the pastors office and so I didn't want to disrupt him because I also wanted to listen to what our Pastor was saying. It kept Arrow busy for a few minutes and when he started to show signs of boredom again, I taught him t make tissue paper balls! The Pastors table was full of tissue paper balls. The floor was scattered with tissue paper balls.

Sometimes in the restaurant it's all about allowing him to gulp down his iced tea or lemonade even before the food arrives just to keep him seated. Other times its opening a pack of forbidden chips when having to keep him behaved during a long car trip.

With 3 kids down the lane, I always have something new to learn.

In The News

2011-06-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

Watching the evening news is a routine for us. We automatically put it on news at 6:30PM. I am beginning to wonder if I should just stop watching it because I get so annoyed, irritated, affected and most of all depressed by everything I watch!

With the opening of classes this week, a lot of the news stories focus on the current educational situation of public schools in the country. The public school system in the Philippines is like no other. Yes tuition fee is about 100% or more cheaper than if you enrolled your child in a private school but you get your moneys worth. In a class, there are about 65 pupils crammed into a classroom good for 40 students. Because there are too many pupils, there are not enough tables and chairs and books. A book may have to be shared by 4 children. This evening, they featured a public school somewhere in metro Manila where there were just too many pupils in a classroom that the chairs had to be crammed inside leaving no floor space. So the teacher was actually standing on the arm chairs of the children! It totally broke my heart. And then in one school in the Visayas, located far from the city proper they only had 3 teachers so graces 1&2 had to be combined, 3&4 together and grade 5&6 as well. I do not want to get into the news feature on the current condition of the bathrooms of the schools. Too sad.

What is this? How do we expect the next generation to create a brighter future? It breaks my heart so bad. I wish my children would appreciate what they have instead of taking it all for granted. I can't help but wonder if there is a chance for things to change. Education is so important but how can one learn properly if the environment for learning is not conducive? This a problem that needs to be addressed and there should be a follow through. If our President is serious about reforming the country, I hope he realizes which areas he needs to give primary focus to.

There must be hope.

Sweets Galore!

2011-06-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

We had lunch over at my in-laws today. My MIL was there, 2 of my husbands aunts, 2 of his uncles and a few of my kids' cousins. The grandmother of my husband was there too- the great grandmother of my kids. She is a very sweet lady who loves her family and who gets so excited about seeing all of her grand and great grand kids. She is starting to become more and more forgetful though. Like every time we pay a visit to their family home - which isn't very often - she can never remember who we are! Going back, I said she is a very sweet lady who enjoys seeing her family together.

But each time we go visit her, she always has these handful of candies and sweets for my kids! And worse, she likes seeing them gobble 'em up down even before eating their meals! Sorry. I love it that she loves my kids and I love seeing her so excited around them. But over flowing candies and chocolates? Eat them all up at once? No thanks please! She can't hear that well anymore as well so polite as I want to be, I sometimes have to speak a bit louder just so that she can hear me saying, "Please for crying out loud stop with the sweets! Tonsillitis galore!" "Please lola, not to much candies for the kids. We don't really allow them that much sweets in a month!" Oh gosh. So I glare stare at my husband waiting for him to say or do something to save my poor kids' appetite and tonsils! We tried to hide the can full of sweets from my grandmother - in - law and when she couldn't find it, she went to her room and got more unopened packs of candies!

Now that it's over, I find myself laughing at how silly we were a while ago. But when it was happening, I was irritated / annoyed / panicky especially since the littlest one could not be talked out of not shoving down eating all those candies. Thank God he forgot about the other sweets his great grandma stashed inside his pocket. It's really difficult to be straightforward with other people about the rules you impose on your kids since Pinoy culture gives very big importance to respect for elders PLUS, we have the tendency to agree just so that. Ugghh.

I hope the 2 glasses of water I made the little gulp down will keep the tonsillitis away!

Laid Back

2011-06-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

Lately, I have been blessed to have enough time to sit down and watch movies. Wow I never thought that day would finally arrive! With the 2 year old becoming a little ore dependent - and interested in sitting thru a movie, I have been able to start catching up by watching DVD's-- v. happy!

So, I got to watch Rio. I found it to be a very cute movie. Very colorful and with a beautiful message. A simple reminder that could, if we do take it seriously, save the world. I also got to watch Kung Fu Panda II which I found to be funny and light. I love sarcastic humor by the way. So I was laughing practically throughout the whole movie. This afternoon, I also finally got to watch Little Fockers. It turned out to be quite a disappointment for me - a bit too shallow and not that all funny. I was expecting it to be hilarious - was actually looking forward to an afternoon full of laughter.

I'm on a straight 5 day leave from work - woot woot! - so I am looking forward to watching more movies! Maybe I will get to watch X-Men First Class. Hopefully Cars 2 comes out soon. I got the DVD of The Rite as well, hopefully I'm in for a good scare.

Any other movie suggestions?

6 Months

2011-06-02T06:04:00.000+08:00

Half of the year has gone by. Or there is still half of the year to look forward to. I find myself wondering if the past 6 months have meant anything or if the next 6 months will mean anything. It should. As the saying goes, time flies. Too fast. I need to constantly remind myself about how giving more importance to even the littlest things because in the years to come, we will then realize that those little things we paid too little attention to were those that left the deepest mark in our hearts.

Life has become too complicated, too complex that we often even want time to go by faster just so that we can get over the complexities we are faced with. Much as we would want to simplify things, sometimes it is just impossible to do so. So we wonder what to do. Nothing. I'm coming to realize that I should take things as they come, as they are. Struggling to change things into how I want them to be will leave me exhausted and frustrated and may even push me to the brink of hating life. And why should I make myself reach that point?

I believe that it's never to late for anything. I must learn to stop regretting things and instead take them as learning lessons and move on from there.

What will the rest of this year bring, I wonder. So far, it has brought a number of heartbreaks but it has a also warmed my heart a couple of time. I will believe that the past 6 months has made me a better person. And the next 6 will make me even better.

Unconditional

2011-05-31T18:40:00.000+08:00

He cries Mama and runs to me.

I meet him with an embrace and he buries his head in my arms. His tears rolling down his cheeks wetting my shirt.

I hold him in my arms while telling him why I got angry.

He cries. Head still buried in my arms. While I talk he remains silent.

"Do you understand why you need to obey?" I ask.

Tears still rolling down, I feel him nod his head.

He looks up, "Mama?"

He Smiles.

I smile back.

We stay and enjoy our embrace.

Love. That's what its all about.

Rain, Rain Go 'Way

2011-05-30T11:19:00.000+08:00

The fact that summer - sunny days, warm weather, dry roads, early sunrise -- has come to end has finally sank in. A storm was brewing over the pacific and was threatening to hit the country bringing cold, rainy days. We were gearing up for it but then the storm decided to veer towards Japan right before it was about to make landfall in the Philippines. A few weeks ago, our country was already hit by a typhoon.

Before all these drastic climate changes happening all over the world and when the seasons were quite predictable, the Philippines only had 2 seasons, the wet and the dry season. June - October brought about stormy weather with and average of 8-10 typhoons battering the country. November - May would bring drier months with February bringing the lowest temperatures and come March, warm sunshine would fill the days.

Today, one cannot even plan a decent trip to the beach because of very unpredictable weather. April and May used to be months for planning trips to the seaside to cool off while dipping in the water. My laundry schedule has been very erratic - and I dislike it very much - because most of the time it rains in the afternoon and I usually wash clothes after work and hang them up on the clothesline outside through the night.

Rainy weather depresses me. The lack of sunshine does not make me happy.

Sleep Tight

2011-05-28T22:39:00.000+08:00

I have always practiced co-sleeping. All three of them have slept beside me from birth until they are about big enough not to cry when they see that I am not beside them when they get up in the morning. In my case now, my youngest is the one who still sleeps beside me. refer to older post: his umbilical cord is still attached to me.

I gotta say that I can't help but compare their movements during the night.

The eldest would move a lot and would ask for 2 or 3 bottles thru the night until he was about 3. The second one would hardly move! He was a very well behaved bedmate who stopped asking for a bottle during the night when he was about 2. The littlest one, who happens to be my current snuggling buddy is, I have to say, the most active one! Thankfully, he also has stopped drinking milk thru the night before he turned 2. But thru the night, I often wake up to a kick in my back or a hand on my face or his head on my tummy.

As I speak, his left foot is on top of the keypad of my laptop.

Goodnight.

5

2011-05-27T08:05:00.001+08:00

I've always said this and I will never stop saying this, YOU came at the perfect time. 5 years ago you made your debut into this world. Little did I know that you would rock my world.

You were such an easy baby and little did I know that you were just gearing up for your toddler years where you would test my patience every single time! Without any effort, you never fail to make me smile. You naturally make me laugh. You make me high.

You are my Dash. My not little anymore but not quite big enough guy.

You are my world and I Love You!

Happy Birthday Little Big Guy!

Totally Random

2011-05-25T10:25:00.002+08:00

Re-read my blog entries. Couldn't help but notice misspelled words or sentences with what may seem like grammatical errors. A very telling sign of who I am. Always rushing. Must proof read.
--
I can't help but wonder where all the other blogger friends I made years ago are now? When I took a break from blogging, I thought I was the only one. I didn't think a lot of other bloggers would stop writing too. Have you all completely stopped writing or have you just moved to another site? I would love to hear from you again! You know who you are!
--
On the other hand, I am glad that there are still some who have stayed and who still came back to read my blog after being gone for quite some time. Hi C and Alicia!
--
I am also happy to have met a new blogger friend, Al!

Recap: An OMG Weekend

2011-05-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

It all started on Friday. My tummy started rumbling and I started to feel it getting queasy. Incidentally, I also got a call from the company with whom I have an active employment application and they informed me that I had an interview at 7pm that night. It was a cold rainy night, I had a restless tummy but I sill went to get it over with.
--
I got there around 20 minutes to 7 but ended up waiting for more than an hour because the regional HR director (who starts his shift at &pm) was not yet there. Filipino time they say! He finally arrived a little before 8pm and he immediately called me to his office. It was a nice, informal but very concise interview where I was able to express a lot of what has been bottled up inside me - mainly my sentiments on where I believe my career is at this point. I enjoyed it. Mainly because I love talking haha. I was trying to assess his opinion of me but I couldn't quite dig deeper into his body language and facial expressions. Polite man, I should say. The interview was done by around 8:20, I think.
--
So I got home and again, headed straight to the bathroom. Queasy tummy, remember? And it didn't end there. When I got up on Saturday, I felt drained. I had woken up 3 or 4 times before that. I still did the laundry but I found myself always rushing to the bathroom. By Saturday afternoon, I was confined to my bed feeling all weak already. I tried to drink tea and eat some crackers but I ended up throwing it all up. I had no more appetite to eat by then. Come Saturday night, I couldn't sleep because my tummy kept waking me up. By 2 or 3AM of Sunday I was already crying. Seriously, I thought I was going to die. I'm sorry for the exaggeration but that's how I really felt. Come Sunday morning, I tried to drink Gatorade and hydrite but I was feeling very weak already. Scared of dehydration, I finally said I needed to go to the hospital. So Jet the husband brought me to the ER. Negative for any amoeba, the very young doctor (she was schoolmate during my elementary days and she was like 4 years younger than me!!) diagnosed me with acute gastroenteritis. Look it up. I was honestly skeptical about her diagnosis because she didn't even ask me for my history! What I ate, when it first occur ed, etc. Aren't those basic questions!!! ANYWAY. She just prescribed meds that would help relax the stomach spasms felt. Jet suggested we go to another hospital but I was just plain tired but at the same time, thankful I didn't have to be confined. The rest of Sunday was spent either in the bathroom or on my bed. I only got up to cook dinner.
--
When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better. Still having frequent visits to the bathroom but I felt a bit more hydrated having been able to keep and apple and a slice of toast down with gagging it out or flushing it out. Thank God for His healing hands!
--
As I look back, getting sick is no joke. Again, I was reminded -- I felt so frustrated with the stomach flu I got the symptoms that came with it but it was nothing compared to what my Mom, a lung cancer patient had to endure. Again, I couldn't help but be thankful still.
--
So it's back to work for me tomorrow. Blech.

Wishful Thinking

2011-05-22T06:27:00.000+08:00

I've heard about workaholics. I've read about them too. I've met a few of them as well. So what do you call their complete opposites? I wanna know because I think that I am exactly their opposite. Good or bad? I don't know. I just got to start thinking about it because lately, I have been wanting another break from work. With summer almost ending, I can't help but want to be able to make a short trip somewhere where I can escape my reality! No, I am not lazy. I know this because in a day I can get a lot done but I cannot compare myself to workaholics who exist because of their work. I love my work, yes I do. I enjoy it. But it isn't my life. For a time I thought it could be but I realized that there are so much more important things that come before my work. Seriously. Like I wouldn't batt an eyelash if I had to decide whether to take a leave to watch my sons school program or to go to work instead. Or even with my health, when I seriously feel ill, I do not force myself to get up and get ready and report for work. Stuff like that. And as mentioned earlier, I look for little breaks in between without feeling guilty.

I hope a short break could be right around the corner. With my boss gone for the past 6 weeks, I guess I've been feeling this because the bulk of the work has been on my shoulders.

Attached

2011-05-21T06:08:00.000+08:00

Apparently, they forgot to cut the umbilical cord at the hospital when I gave birth over 2 years ago. I mean, he is completely attached to me. It always has to be Mama. Nobody else but Mama. Mama bubunch (take a bath), Mama amam (eat), Mama come. Everything Mama. I love this boy but sometimes - or a lot of times, I just feel so constrained to do things I need to do and want to do. Like 2 days ago when I went jogging, while I was out he woke up and found that I was no longer beside him. His world collapsed. So when I got home, hubby and his older brothers were trying to tame him down. But when he saw me, everything was suddenly fine. It's a whole drama episode when I have to leave the house like for work and he has to stay behind. No amount of bribing gets him. I have tried gummy bears, putting in a DVD for him to watch, talking to him nicely, using a stern voice - to no avail. He controls me!

It's a phase. He'll get over it. I know.

WANTED: Cook

2011-05-19T05:54:00.000+08:00

Wanna know something? I hate cooking. Or possibly the other way around. Whatever. I just do not like it. Make scrub the bathroom floors, do the laundry - I love doing the laundry, sweep the floors and dust the shelves just do not make me cook. I used to want to learn how to cook especially after watching cooking shows on TV - which make cooking look like the easiest thing in the world - but it just never turns out the way it should be! Boo me.

But I do cook because I have to! Or my family will go hungry haha. It's just something that I do not look forward to doing. Seriously. Like right now, at 6AM I am dreading the fact that I will have to whip up something again for dinner and hope that my family will like it.

So, am I the only one who feels this way?

What The Heck Am I Doing??!

2011-05-18T21:56:00.001+08:00

I'm a career woman. Now that sounds weird. Anyway, I need to believe that I am because I have never stopped working since I first got a job and since then, I have pretty much been taking it seriously. In the first place, hectic as it is, I must admit, the mere fact that I've been doing this for the past 7 years means that I am obviously enjoying it - much as I would want to pretend otherwise. Although allow me to say that I have always also had the desire to be a housewife. That's another topic.

I stayed at my first job for 3 1/2 years. I got that job when I was turning 22 but when I reached the age of 25, I was feeling restless and felt that I needed "more challenges," etc. I found myself leaving my first job and moving to another company - which in fairness, offered better pay, benefits and career opportunities as compared to my previous job. 4 years down the road, I have found myself searching once again for other better career opportunities. What is this?? Is this human nature's selfish character of discontentment? At first, I submitted my CV to test the waters and assess my marketability. A week had passed and I didn't hear from them so I told myself this wasn't meant to be. This afternoon, I got a call from them scheduling me for an interview and they sent me the link for me to take the online exams at home. And guess what, yes, I just finished taking their on line tests.

I will not panic. Anyway, I do not need to decide at this point. I shall cross the bridge when I get there even if the bridge is right around the corner.

Summer

2011-05-16T21:50:00.001+08:00

Thought of posting pictures of the kids of what they've been doing for summer as it slowly comes to an end. As it comes to a close, just like me when I was a kid, they will have in their hearts memories they will forever cherish and remember. Summers should always be memorable.

Again and Again ----- Over and Over

2011-05-15T08:46:00.000+08:00

So how do you deal with a routine to the point that it practically bores you to the grave? Yep, I am bored. A few people have reminded me that boring is in a way, good. It may mean that you are doing things the way they should be done. But it doesn't change the fact that I am bored. It's the same thing day in and day out be it at home or in the office.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just The Way I Like It

2011-05-14T18:11:00.000+08:00

When I had my eldest 9 years ago, I could not imagine having mother baby. A first time mother at 19 did not appeal to me at all. It was difficult and confusing. I had no idea what I was doing. I was too scared to bathe the baby, I didn't know what to do when the baby would not want to stop crying, I would be way too panicky when the baby would catch a cold or would down with a fever. But, by God's grace, I survived. By the time he was 3, both my husband and I were already working and sort of picked up the hang of parenthood so I wanted another baby.

4 years after having my first baby, I gave birth to my second boy. Calmer the second time around, I felt that I sorta knew what to do to calm him down, I was excited more than worried when I gave him cereals for the first time. It became more exciting when my 2 boys slowly started to interact and play with each other. This was fun, I thought. People would ask me if I planned on having another one, a girl perhaps? And at the back of my mind, I kept thinking, am I done with having kids? Will I have one more? If I do, when? I had a feeling of being incomplete. That I wasn't done yet. But my prayer was, "Lord, if I am to have another baby, please give it to me before I turn 30." I just felt that I didn't want to go through pregnancy when I was older.

4 years before turning 30, I gave birth to my 3rd son. And since the day I gave birth to him, I have had gazillions of people asking me if we would still try for not just another one, but this time a girl in particular.

The answer is NO. For a person outside my situation, one would think yes why not, have another one. Have more in fact! But this time, I have found myself in perfect contentment. I have never felt this complete in my entire life. I really don't care if I have 3 sons. I love it in fact. I am the queen of the jungle.

I like it just the way it is. I couldn't ask for more.

Again, With Much Love.

2011-05-09T18:09:00.003+08:00

Happy Mother's Day o all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

It's a thankless job. It's a tiring task. It's a heavy responsibility.

It entails sleepless nights. It means hardwork. It means heartbreaks.

It brings us tears. It brings us so much joy. It fills our hearts with love.

It makes us proud. It reminds us of our worth. It brings a smile to our face.

Motherhood.

It can never be defined. It will never be defined.

It is what it is. It will be known forever.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

Reminder

2011-05-07T22:00:00.000+08:00

Pssst..Guess what? You wanna know something? I can't wait for my hands to be baby free.

There. I blurted it out. Am I being selfish?

On most days, I wish I didn't have to be constantly chasing after a toddler who refuses to bathe or have to carry an 18lbs 2 year old - given that I am only 4'11, it is a constant struggle to be able to carry such a heavy sack of potatoes with ease and poise without my hair covering my face or trickle of sweat beads running down my temples. Or having to eat with a baby on my lap who is constantly also wanting to mess up the food on the plate. It is tiring.

Someday, I will miss all of this. I may look back on all this and wish that I embraced this experience more. So i say to myself right now - be thankful, seize the moment.

Today (What a Boring Post Title! - Too Lazy to Think of a More Catchy One)

2011-05-04T21:03:00.003+08:00

I wanted to post summer pictures of the kids since I haven't posted shots in a while but blogger seemed to think otherwise. It was taking forever to upload the photos and it's getting late (9:41pm at this moment) and I have to get up at 5:10am tomorrow to jog. Woot woot! Can't believe I have finally started the ball rolling! I have been telling myself to start exercising but never got to do it. Now that my youngest is 2, I am think it's about time to start losing the extra weight because the excuse "I'm fat because I just gave birth" is already unacceptable. Boo!

Today was a pretty productive day at work for me with a few instances where I almost (again) lost my patience. Ughh, I need to work on this. I am extremely impatient! Which I know is a no - no especially since I am an HR practitioner. Tomorrow I will lengthen my shoestrings, will count to 10 before reacting and will pray when I feel the want to snap.

I got to read articles of how Bin Laden was finally tracked down by the U.S. and I really do not know what to make of it. Many say they don't believe Bin Laden was actually hunted down and killed, some say it's possible. I can't exactly say where I stand but one thing I am sure of is, this world is not going to be a safer place to live in with what had just happened. It's a scary thought because i am sure in one way or another, there will be Bin Laden followers who will retaliate. The "number one enemy of the US" may be gone, but terrorism is still very, very much alive.

Can't believe I still have 2 more days of work. Torn between whether I want the week to go faster or for it to slow down. My boss is on leave because she was operated on and so far I have been liking it a lot. No, it's not because I can become a delinquent employee (Hah I wish), it's just that I feel like I am very well able to spread my wings without constraint and do what I have to do without the feeling that there are a pair of eyes staring down on me. I have nothing against my boss at all - maybe I just work better under circumstances like this.

So, how was your day?

The New Me -- Hopefully, That Is

2011-05-03T05:42:00.002+08:00

They say, for women, 30 is the mid-life crisis of men when they're 40. True? I could never relate to that a few years ago. But with the inevitable fast approaching, I am beginning to realize it as a truth.

I find myself being more and more conscious about my skin - especially the skin on my face and the fine lines that are starting to become more and more evident! Lately, I have been spending on anti-aging skin care products and strictly making it my daily and nightly regimen. In the past, I would buy a bottle of moisturizer here and a tube of eye cream there and then would forget it on the shelf and only remember about it months or even years after.

I have been also very religious about taking my Vit C and Vit E tablets and other anti oxidant food supplements.

And for the first time in my 4 year stay with the company I work for, this is the only year I went for my annual physical check up. I have been more and more conscious about my health as well. Eating more vegetables and fruits and trying to cut down on junk food although I must admit that a good, fat, juicy burger will always be my weakness. This week, I also started to jog. Just a 20 minute jog from our house down to the satellite market and back. Running has been so the "in" things lately by the way, but I am in it to shed off the unwanted pounds!

And lastly, I am declaring my desire to quit smoking. Yes, there, I said it. For so long I have been mum about this yucky, icky addiction. I want to stop it. I hope I can kick the habit. SOON.

Looking Inside

2011-04-30T21:47:00.002+08:00

Of the few things I am sure about, the fact that I am always unsure of myself is what I am sure of.

I wonder where this all began? I wonder if this can be reversed?

Alone, thoughts of fear and uncertainty taunt me. In a crowded room, an insecure stance is what I carry. It's something I hate. It's a feeling I dislike very much. So on nights like this one, lights off, kids sleeping, I sit and wonder how I can become better. How can I learn to believe in my decisions, be confident with my actions.

Because of that, I feel like I am trying too hard most of the time - to please others but maybe more of to please myself. I am always overly concerned with what people around me think about me, what they think about the things I do or how I handle myself.

I need to believe in me. Although far from perfect, I know there are still things in me that make me a good person, a loving mother, a respectful wife. It's a difficult, awful feeling.

Me. The Real Me.

2011-04-10T20:47:00.002+08:00

Well, I guess the trick is to never stop because if you do, you won't know how to start. And when you finally get the courage to start, you end up feeling like never wanting to start again.

Blogging. That's what I'm talking about.

Have one liner tweets or a few sentences as facebook statuses taken over our want to sit down, put our thoughts together and write paragraphs and paragraphs about our day, our feelings, our experiences, our troubles, our joys?

Maybe.

I deleted my facebook account a few months ago. While it has connected so many long lost friends, relatives or has become a way of people to get to know each other or for some, a selling place for shoes, clothes, gadgets, etc., I just couldn't take so much of the drama that would ensue in the lives of people I was in one way or another connected to. Not that I don't care, I just felt like there were some issues that need not be taken out of the closet and made fo everyone's consumption - but for some, they just felt the need to just let it all out. No offense meant, this was just a personal decision I made because I felt that it would do me better.

ANYWAY. Where have I been? Goodness. 7 months has been way too long. I actually am starting to feel the groove again as I am writing this.

Last year, my househelp of 6 years decided to leave. It was heartbreaking for me because I became so emotionally attached to her. It affected me and I had such a hard time looking for a replacement. In 12 months, I've had 9 helpers come and go. It is very frustrating when both my husband and I have to work and I have to think of where to leave my 3 kids while at work. But we've been managing with the help of relatives.

On the homefront, my kids have grown so big, so fast. The eldest turned 9 last February. The middle guy is turning 5 in May and will be in kindergarten. And the littlest one turned 2 last March and is expanding his vocabulary everyday. Married life hasn't been too easy -- which is probably why I also shied away from blogging for a while. I did come to realize that a big part of what I blogged about were the good times - the happy times where I talked about how awesome my kids were, the funny times where I wrote about the crazy happy times of life, the good times where I posted family pictures of all of us smiling. But I never wrote in depth about the pains, the hurts the heartbreaks. Maybe because I felt the need to project myself as the happy one with a happy family and happy kids and a happy home with a happy husband. Privacy, some may say. I will go slow. I do not know how far I can also bare myself but I have come to realize that writing is me.

A week ago, I met up for lunch with my bestfriend from grade school. When I sat down, she handed me this really thick huge envelope. She told me to open it. I opened it and found hundreds of letters I had written to her starting when we were in 3rd grade all the way to when we were in highschool. I tried to read some although most I couldn't bring myself to continue reading as those letters were just full of myself and my crushes and the shallow things of life. She asked me if I remembered writing those letters. I sat back and looked back and it came to me - I didn't remember what all those letters were about, but I did remember the feeling I had every time I would write a letter.

Writing was me. Writing is me. It make me who I am. It's my way of being me.

So, hello. It's nice to be back.

It's nice to write again.

I want. I want

2010-08-07T09:17:00.002+08:00

I need a change of perspective. I need to stop being a sponge - absorbing all the petty issues and concerns of this world. I want to laugh more. To love what life has to offer - happy or sad. To want to learn. I want to let go of all the pain, the bitterness, the hatred. I want to say I love my life. I want to look forward to the rising sun instead of the setting sun. I want to be awake instead of wanting to be asleep.

Reflections

2010-07-22T20:35:00.002+08:00

What does one do when you reach your saturation level? I think a bulk of the problem we face now a days is we force ourselves to believe that we are capable of doing everything by ourselves. What ever happened to the saying that "no man is an island?" Why do we pretend to be superwoman and then later on fall flat on our faces, exhausted. Frustrated. Angry.

My answer to that would be there is so much pressure around us. Perceived? Real? Maybe. Whichever. It is there. It dictates upon us how we act, how we react, how we deal with things, how we accept or reject things.

Often times, deep inside we are screaming for help. Without wanting to say anything - for whatever reason be it pride or fear, whatever - we decide to silently scream hoping that somebody would hear us. Ironic. We want to be heard but we refuse to be heard.

And we want to give our all, still. Maybe because we need to please. Or want.

Bottom line is we must realize when enough is enough for us. When should we say no more. After all, whose life is it to be lived anyway? Assess our reasons and motives. Do not be selfish but do not be selfless. Live enough. Do enough. Too much of anything can never be good, after all. Moderation may be an appropriate word. Do because you want to but do the right thing. Bad will never be replaced with anything good.

In the end, it's a matter of finding oneself. Of realizing when you've done what you had to do and you should not do any more than what you cannot do.

???

2010-07-19T20:49:00.001+08:00

Where does one begin to pick up after being away for months? I may say that I have been trying to find myself and even after months of searching, it is safe to say that I haven't found myself yet. And I do wonder if I ever will.
Sometimes I yearn for silence, to just get away from the noisy world. But silence can sometimes be deafening. I wonder if involving myself in the chaos would bring some order and sense into my confusion. I wonder why I have to feel lost in the first place. There is a saying that sometimes we need to be lost in order to be found. Will I find myself? Or will somebody find me for me?
I'm yearning for peace within. For a sense of security.
It's difficult when you have more than just yourself to fend for. There are three other souls who are completely dependent on me. And even if I just want to scream my head off, bury my head in the sand, drink a potion that would make me invisible or just walk away, I can't.
So I sit here and write. My voice may never be heard. These words may never come across. But at least I am releasing a bit of the pressure before it bursts out of control.

A "How To" Of Some Sort

2010-04-09T22:44:00.000+08:00

Looking for a job is something but actually getting THE job is an entirely different story. I have been an HR practitioner for the past 6 years and there are some things an applicant should and should NEVER do.

I have received CV's/ resumes with cover letters wrongly addressed. I understand that when one decides to go job hunting, he/she usually prepares probably more than 10 copies of their CV's so that they can float it to as many companies as they can. But please make sure that you get to properly address each cover letter properly! We are a bank and sometimes we get cover letters addressed to Hotels / Restaurants, etc. Goes to show that the person isn't detail oriented. Tsk,tsk.

My pet peeve would have to be applicants who I call up to schedule for an interview / take the exams sound uninterested, sleep (!) or annoyed. Once you submit your CV, I would want to assume that you really are interested in getting a job, so once you get a call and hear that it is from a potential employer, I think the least that one can do is to be accommodating. If for any reason, by the time you get that call and you are no longer interested, being polite is the least that you can do.

It is equally important to listen to instructions as well when you are invited for an interview. Certain companies are strict about the time or date or the necessary documents you need to bring. So when you arrive 15 minutes late, dear, you will definitely get a D- for punctuality especially for bigger companies where time is an essential factor because of the volume of applicants. There is a reason why there is a schedule given.

When you get to the interview, a good conversationalist will never fail to impress. NEVER. Giving one word answers like yes or no or maybe is a HUGE turn off. Worst, if you just nod or shake your head.

Come prepared.Before you even go for an interview, do a little research about the company you are applying for a job at. Being able to share what you know about the company is a sure sign that you really prepared for the interview and are interested in landing that job with the company.

Know what you are applying for. You can't go for an interview and just say that you are applying for whatever position is available. One's sensibility is highly reflected here. Your degree finished plus past work experience (if any) must match the position you are applying for.

Never say you want this job because you need the job. Who doesn't need a job? Focus on your goals and targets in life. Share your dreams and aspirations and how this job can help you attain them.

And lastly, smile,relax and be yourself.

Of Hope

2010-04-07T21:10:00.000+08:00

Next month, we will be having our national and local elections. We will be voting for a new President, a new V.President, 12 new Senators and new Mayors, V.Mayors and Councilors at the city level.

I do have a soft spot for this because my Dad ran twice for Councilor in our city but lost twice. I never questioned his intentions more so his heart. We just couldn't stomach having to use money and coercion for him to make it to the city council.

In the years that have passed, I do wonder if there is any sense in even voting. I know my voting for the people who I believe are clean and of integrity will be put to a waste.

And the bigger question is, is there hope for my country?

When we went to the US embassy for the interview of my kids for the application of their US tourist visa, I couldn't help but pity the Filipino people. The embassy was swarming with Filipinos-- most dressed in their best 'dressed to impress clothes," in the hope of being granted a visa by the US embassy. I doubt if our embassies in other countries are even visited by a third of the number people present at the US embassy. The sad part is, we really cannot deny the fact that there still are a number of people who take advantage of whatever is granted to them and then further destroy the name of the Filipinos. But on the other hand, when desperation calls, one may really choose to live on the edge and risk whatever he or she has left just to have a better life.

How sad it is to know that we cannot find enough security in our own homeland to say that we are more than content and thankful for what our country has to offer us. I too have my bigger dreams but I still wonder sometimes what is more important - patriotism or the future of my children? It is very frustrating to have to feel desperate every once in a while knowing that my children deserve so much more than what their reality here in our country can only offer. I'd rather not want to have to contemplate on issues like these, but I must release my own selfish motives and face the inevitable.

Is there still hope? I hope.

6 Years Ago, Dad

2010-04-06T23:11:00.002+08:00

Today would have been the 29th wedding anniversary of my Dad and Ma.
-
6 years ago on this day, Dad was fighting for his life in the ICU. But he held on because it was their 23rd wedding anniversary with Ma.
The next day, he let go.
-
There was no question that he would be buried in the suit he wore on April 6, 1981 when he married Mama.
-
He waited for Mama for 18 months. And then she decided to follow him.
-
Happy 29 years Dad and Ma.
-
It's been 6 years since you left Dad. You are my hero. I miss you everyday. I Love You.
-
You and Ma are happy where you are right now.
-
There are still so many things I do not understand. I need to release the bitterness in my heart. It worsens when loneliness catches up.
-
I Love You Dad.

The Baby That He Should Be

2010-04-06T10:19:00.000+08:00

My almost 13 month old refuses to walk. Refuses. He prefers to crawl or be carried. When we position him for walking while still holding him under his armpits, he automatically lifts his feet. He doesn't want to walk. He will climb and pull himself up but walk? No way. He'd rather be carried. Al 12 kilos of him stuck to my hip.

He did take his first 4 steps 5 days ago and I was so ecstatic that I posted it on facebook. Apparently, I never learn my lesson. Of course, by announcing it to the whole world, I jinxed myself! And since then, he has refused to walk again. He even hates it when I put on his shoes! I hope by my announcing his not wanting to walk, I will jinx myself by allowing the exact opposite to happen. Hah crossing my fingers.

My eldest walked a little before he turned 11 months. My second walked a week before he turned a year old. But this youngest one is probably soaking up in all his babyness.

In the meantime...

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T09:31:00.000+08:00

I feel that I haven't been thankful enough for the so many blessings I have been showered with. As we remember the risen Christ, I want to thank Him for all He has done in my life.

I am thankful for my faith. My Lord, my God.

I am thankful for my husband.

I am thankful for Josh, Dash and Arrow.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my work.

I am thankful for the home I live in.

I am thankful for the food we eat.

I am thankful for my wonderful friends.

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful for my househelps who love my children.

I am thankful for weekends.

I am thankful for the small treats in life - like ice cream on a warm day or hot choco on a cold, rainy day.

I am thankful.

Christ has risen.Happy Easter everyone!

What are you thankful for?

Snow For the First Time!

2010-04-02T16:28:00.000+08:00

My kids meeting snow for the very, very first time. Possibly their last.

It is amazing how we people from the tropics dream of touching, seeing snow in the flesh. If for some, they despise snow, my kids loved every single minute of their time with it. Although I have seen the States, I have never seen snow.

What a wonderful experience for them.

Proud Momma THat I Am

2010-03-31T16:06:00.005+08:00

Every mother dreams big for her kids. When they are still babies, you imagine so much for them - from graduating as engineers or successfully practicing med or building their business empires. You can't help but want them to do good in life. To make them find their niche in this world and do good in the craft the have decided to focus on.

As they grow up, grow past diapers and bottles, you slowly learn to recognize who they are. Their temperaments, their likes & dislikes, their dispositions allow us to dream even bigger than ever. As they enter school, so many external factors further contribute to their character. You begin to realize that there are so many things you wish you could control but cannot. Slowly, they minds and their hearts are shaped not only by what they learn at home but more so by what they absorb during their 6 hour stay in school with the interaction of 20 other 8 year olds and their teacher. It is a mix of beliefs, stories and experiences. Some of which I would warmly allow my son to embrace, some I would rather make him close his ears to.

As his first year in grade school came to a close, I was more than proud when Josh was awarded the "Most Cooperative" character award. More than just the academics, the Christian school where he is enrolled at, awards such character awards to students who they truly believe posses such character through out the whole school year. Each teacher is allowed to nominate students for these character awards which also include such awards as "Most Friendly," "Most Submissive," "Most Helpful," etc. and once the name of the student is included in the list, the list is passed around and every teacher and every staff of the whole school shall take part in the elimination and voting of who should be given the award.

Holding back my tears, I told myself-- no matter how messed up I have been, how young I was when I had him, how confused and broken I have been, at least I know his Dad and I are still doing something right.

I Love You Josh.

On Them Being Away

2010-03-28T15:41:00.002+08:00

Glad to know I didn't lose any friends by not blogging for ages. Gosh, 4 months does seem like ages.

So it's only been a week since my 8 year old and almost 4 year old flew off for a 5 week vacation. When I was told that they were going with my Aunt to visit my cousin in Portland, I was initially very, very excited. Why wouldn't I be? It's an experience I cannot afford to offer them at this point and traveling is always a very, very rich learning experience regardless of the destination. As the days crept by to the day of their departure, I suddenly felt very uneasy and queasy about the thought of them being gone for so long. I was definitely not questioning the ability of my aunt or my cousins baby sitting skills because I knew that my kids would be very well taken cared of. It was just the letting them go part that wanted to make me puke!

I seriously thought I would enjoy the time to relax a bit and not have to chase after 3 monkeys. But no, I want to chase three monkeys after all.

So anyway, the week has dragged by. I can't wait for April 26. In the meantime, I get to baby my 12 month old baby and pour all my attention on him. I busy myself at work as well so as not to keep imagining a 1001 scenarios of my kids getting into trouble who happen to be thousands of miles away from me.

Whew!

2010-03-21T21:02:00.002+08:00

I am in disbelief!

It has been more than 4 months since my last post. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I guess I went to look for myself. As a lot of other bloggers have said, we do at one point in our blogging life lose the zest to type away. I thought it would be for good. I wasn't sure whether to delete my blog completely or to make it private or to just leave it alone forever, for good. Tonight, I just suddenly had the urge to open it and write.

I'm glad I did. No regrets. I hope I didn't lose any friends in my quest for finding myself. Hopefully, I will gain more.

I am feeling very, very blue right now. I brought my 2 kids - Josh and Dash to the airport early this morning as they flew off for a 5 week vacation to Portland. My aunt took them with her. More on that in a bit.

A Very Sweet Conversation (Sarcastic, Not!)

2009-11-18T20:52:00.000+08:00

Josh: Mom, why are you always on a diet?

Me: Because you said I was fat.

Josh: No I didn't.

Lou: Yes you did.

Josh: Oh yeah, because when you walk, your legs always jiggle.

Dash: And Mommy's tummy looks old!

Thank you my boys. You are such dahlings.

Get Lost.

2009-11-16T20:40:00.000+08:00

You came into his life - my Dad's. You made him believe he would feel better, that he would forget his problems, that his pain would lessen. And for a time, I think he actually believed you. But you broke my Mom's heart. You made it difficult for her but she stuck through it. She tried so hard to make you leave but you wouldn't. My Dad got so addicted to you. I saw how you destroyed my Dad. He was so full of talent, of passion for what he loved doing but you came into his life and distracted him. You hurt him. I got angry at you. I despised you. My Mom and I despised you. And the worse thing? You took my Dad away. You burned his liver. You made him suffer.

I saw how it almost destroyed my Mom and Dad's marriage. So many times I found myself crying. You always distorted my Dad's perception of things. People disliked him when he drank you - even his own family. You took him away. You did him no good. You killed him.

Before it does the same to the family I have right now, stop. I don't want to be rude. So before I slam the door in your face, please leave.

NOW.

One Gentle Soul

2009-11-14T18:28:00.000+08:00

He's my Dad's dog. CB, short for Charlie Brown came to us over 13 years ago. A month before we got CB, we had a black cocker-terrier named Bozzy. Bozzy was a naughty, naughty dog who became such a huge part of our family that when he was ran over, we grieved and mourned his death. My Dad, Mom and I thought that the best way to help ourselves move on would be to get a new dog.

CB was very different from Bozzy. He was gentle and mellow although he was a barker. On the day my Dad died in 2004, it was as if CB knew. He never yapped as much since then.

I am very scared about facing the day when CB will go to dog heaven. Given that he is 13 years old - human years, he is pretty old in dog years. I don't think I will ever want to get another dog after CB for fear of getting too attached again.

We all love CB.

Unplugged II

2009-11-12T20:26:00.000+08:00

Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.

As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.

Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.

Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?

I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.

For Today

2009-11-10T20:33:00.004+08:00

Today I don't really know what to say. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Last night's thinking and pondering left me so exhausted. My heart was beating so fast all through the night that it woke me up more than just a couple of times. I've never been able to just "let things be." I don't know if that's good or bad.

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

Going back, today I found myself just thinking and thinking. And thinking and thinking. I kept praying and have been praying. I know I need to trust God on this even if right at this moment I am finding it hard to believe in what I am saying and in what I want to believe in. God is in control and I know He will never let me go.

Tomorrow, I wonder. I hope. I trust. I'm still thinking and tomorrow, I'll probably still be thinking.

Me. The Real Me. Just Me.

2009-11-09T20:06:00.003+08:00

For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.

More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.

That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.

I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.

I'm scared. What will tomorrow be? I'm afraid.

I've always been.

They Say Their From Mars

2009-11-08T20:55:00.000+08:00

So my husband volunteered to do the grocery and I was more than pleased when he did offer so I made him a list. Then I received a text message: Babe, what kind of flour? Cornstarch? Baking soda.

Really.

I wanted to be my sarcastic self but the guy was doing me a favor. So I said, "Flour babe. Not cornstarch. Not baking soda. Flour.

He picked me up after work. When we got home, I took a look at the goods he bought.

"No flour?" I asked

"When I asked the lady where the flour was, she showed me the shelf. All I saw was white."

Majorly rolling my eyes.

"Why did you get this?" I said while holding up the margarine.

"You wrote down butter" He answered.

"Yeah I said butter. Not margarine. This is margarine."

"Looked like butter to me."

MEN. Don't we just love 'em?

On Work

2009-11-05T15:13:00.000+08:00

I just read a post written by Alicia. It seems like in the 3 years that I have been blogging, I have never really talked about my job. Funny. Funny because it has been such a huge part of my life since I started working 5 years ago.

I started working when I was a senior in college. It was a part time job as an English tutor. I wanted to work because I wanted to earn a little bit more to help buy my son's milk and diapers. I was still depending on allowance from my Mom and my then boyfriend was also still studying.

Right after graduation, I took a 'break' for 2 months before landing myself a "real" job. I got a job as a human resource assistant at a call center. I met a lot of people and dedicated a lot of my time to my job. Too much time that I prioritized it over my husband and my child. I just wanted to be a go getter and reach the top right away. I was young and thought that my career was all that made me happy. My being too idealistic would always test my emotions as I always got frustrated when things wouldn't go my way. After 3 1/2 years, I got a call from a bank who was inviting me to join their human resources department as a recruitment and placement officer. I decided to move out of the call center and join the bank.

A few days ago, I 'celebrated' my 2nd year with the bank.

Basically, we recruit employees. We cover the northern region of our country, encompassing 10 provinces. Aside from that, we cater to the needs of our internal customers- our employees- when it comes to their needs like updating of records, processing of benefits, etc. It's a job I have always wanted to have since I took up Human Resource Development as an elective when I was a psychology major in college. I couldn't ask for more. Up to a certain point, it gives me a certain level of satisfaction, the pay is not all that but it does pay enough for the needs and the little wants of our family and I like the people I work with.

But it had to take me pails of tears, numerous heartbreaking moments and a thousand rolls of tissue for me to realize that it's not all that. I am thankful for my job but I am more thankful for the realization that nothing should come first before God, my husband and my children. 5 years ago, I made my work my life. I wouldn't care if my kid would be left at home even on Sundays because I had to do overtime or even my husband would be pissed that I had to stay in the office till late. What I wanted was to be on top of my game at work. I wanted to please my boss. I had to make an awesome impression. I wanted that promotion so bad. And I never got any of what I wanted.

Today, I enjoy what I do. There are days when I look forward to going to work but there are days when I would just rather be at home. But I am reminded that I am blessed with a job so I might as well do the best that I can in what I am doing. But I know in my heart that God, Jet, Josh, Dash and Arrow come first. So without hesitation, I say no to my boss when I know my husband or children need me. They do not need to tell me they need me, I just know when they do.

I often dream of being a stay at home mom. If only our country had more opportunities for mothers to work from the home. Or if I had more capital to set up a stable business. But for now, I will be thankful for what I have.

Needing Your Advice

2009-11-03T14:21:00.000+08:00

This is the longest that I have breastfed and I am loving it. The problem is, I think my milk is not enough. During the day, my baby drinks formula but once I get home I nurse him. The reason why I am saying that I feel that my milk isn't enough is because he nurses almost every 2 hours through the night. Although he doesn't really wake up, he becomes restless and automatically latches on once the 'food' is offered to him. I don't want to stop breastfeeding and what I want to know now is how to increase my milk supply. I have been taking supplements, drinking a lot of water and soup but it still isn't enough.

Help?

BOO!!

2009-10-31T15:41:00.003+08:00

No candy for the little one...So he got an apple
Deciding on which candy to eat first...strictly 1 candy/day
He picked his candy for the day-- NERDS

Halloween isn't such a big thing in our country yet. So this is as far as they got to getting treats.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

2009-10-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

There's something about socks that spells Y-U-M-M-Y! for babies...

Arrow at 7 months

Dash when he was 7 months

On Being Boys

2009-10-29T12:34:00.000+08:00

Their gonna bump their heads. scratch their knees of bruise their arms. So you just gotta take the necessary precautions.

Dictionary, Please

2009-10-27T21:02:00.004+08:00

My 3 year olds vocabulary has been expanding so fast:

1. Babarque - May be pork, chicken or beef

2. Bentist - doctor who cures toothaches

3. Evelation - Evolution (referring to the Lancer Evolution car he saw)

4. Pockcorn - you eat this at the movies

5. Coco Cola - direct competitor of Pepsi

6. Stam Up - And the sit down

7. Pangcake - You eat this with maple syrup, egss and bacon. Yum!

8. Scratch Tape - Use it when you want to tape 2 things together

Elitist?

2009-10-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

People often judge me as a snob- or a person not easily approachable. I do agree to a certain level. I have encountered so many people telling me, "The first time I met you, I thought you would be hard to get along with but after getting to know you, I think you're really a nice person." I am not trying to flatter myself, please. But really, I do get those comments ALWAYS.

As I have grown older, I've realized that maybe that's my "wall," the front I put up because I am a shy person, really. Sometimes insecure and lacking in confidence when placed in a huge group of people. When I am unsure of the crown you put me in, I have the tendency to withdraw and wait for people to approach me. If no one approaches me - because of their perception of me-- that of being a snob, then I don't make the first move.

I have also always preferred to limit the people I choose to bare my soul to. In the office, I am comfortable with 3 or 4 of my officemates - people whom I can easily talk with, laugh with, express my rants to. As for the others, a polite smile and a nod every once in a while is enough. I have a circle of friends and the number of real, real, real friends I have can be counted on one hand. I have also figured that it's a choice I have made. I may have acquaintances, but I chose to maintain the relationship on that level.

I admire people who have a lot of friends, who are able to easily mingle with people they've met for the first time. I can't help but be amazed by people who can converse and build rapport with complete strangers.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's good or bad. I ask myself if it will affect my survival skills.

Missing You Ma

2009-10-23T07:43:00.002+08:00

I woke up to the sound of the rain. Storm's probably coming. The sun wasn't up yet. I took a look at my 7 month old who had been awake for some time already.
-
4 years ago, I got a call. A call nobody would have wanted to ever receive. "She had a cardiac arrest. But they were able to revive her" said my Aunt. As I look back, at that point, I think I thought I was ready and prepared. "Make sure you sign the do no resuscitate form tita (aunt)" I said. I woke up my husband and told him we had to leave for Manila.

I don't really remember the 5 hour trip down to Manila. Along the express way, we stopped to gas up. As we were pulling out of the gas station, my phone rang. "Lou, your Mama went to heaven na" said my Aunt. I also don't remember what I said. I remember I started texting all my friends and my Mom's friends telling them Ma had gone. I got a couple of calls. I remember getting one from a very close family friend and church mate and since it was a Sunday, she passed the phone to our other church mates. I got a call from my boss. And then from my then best friend.

Upon reaching the hospital, we went straight to the ICU but by then, they had brought her to the morgue already. I don't know why I didn't break down. We went to the morgue and they asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. My husband did. He came out and told me she was cold already. We started making arrangements about bringing her to the funeral parlor.
-
I think I may have been trying to deny so many feeling for the past 4 years. But today I come face to face with them. I regret a lot of things. I wish I had resigned and taken care of her instead. I wish I stayed with her. I wish I told her it wasn't ok with me for her to live. I wish I were there when she went into a cardiac arrest. I wish I took a look at her at the morgue. I wish I didn't pretend to be strong.

Today more than anything, I wish she were still alive.
-
I miss you Mom, so so so so much. I thought it would get better as the years went by. I really miss you Ma. I love you. Happy 4 years in heaven.

Conscious Me. Like Really.

2009-10-22T20:39:00.000+08:00

There this certain thing I have been going through lately. Maybe it's because I can feel that I'm not getting any younger? Lately, I have been so conscious about wanting to feel and look younger than I really am. I did feel these feelings every once in a while in the past but this year - especially after I gave birth- has been way more different.

For example, my hairdo counts a lot. If in the past I didn't really care about how it made me look, for as long as it was stylish and a 'wash'n wear' do, I would be perfectly fine with it. But now? I want it to make me look younger. Aside from that, I try to be careful about the clothes I wear. Not that I wear clothes that would make me look like I were in highschool, but I am careful to choose cuts and styles that would complement my over all look. And lastly, I have started investing in anti aging skin products. Suddenly, the fine lines around my eye area matter so much!

Some say women start feeling this when they reach 30. True or false? I have a few years before I reach the BIG 3-0. While men undergo this stage when they reach 40. Fact or myth?

I can't help but laugh at this thing I'm going through. With 3 kids, I am extremely conscious about wanting to look and feel good. Suddenly it is such a HUGE deal for me. I have been more conscious about the food I eat, the number of hours of sleep I get.

So who shares the same sentiments? Please raise your hands.

For Today

2009-10-21T07:44:00.003+08:00

I wonder what today will bring. It's shining outside but the wind is chilly. Classes have been suspended in the preschool level. There's another super typhoon that's going to hit our country in a day or two. They say it will be as strong as the past 2 typhoons which brought so much destruction to our country. I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

It's 7:45 in the morning and I can't believe I have the time to blog. How is this happening? My 7 month old baby is on antibiotics to cure his upper respiratory tract infection. He was up most of the night because he was feeling very uneasy- so was I. I wonder when he will get well.

I wonder what today will be like in the office? Yesterday, my boss was absent but I still felt like I ad such a long day yesterday. I wonder when my workdays will feel light and easy and fun.

I wonder how Jet and I will be today. Yesterday we got into an argument- more than once actually. I wish our disagreements would stop. It's tiring and a waste of time.

Today, I wonder.

There Are No Answers

2009-10-19T19:58:00.002+08:00

And I don't know why I always keep forgetting that life is a continuous journey, a never ending learning process where sometimes, we have to get hit real hard to finally learn our lessons. I may have forgotten that everyday, we learn new things. I've discovered that I haven't really defined who I am. I often still catch myself torn between opinions. Sometimes scared or unsure to voice out what I really feel or believe in for fear that people would judge me.

I've discovered that my emotions play a major, major role in my life. Sometimes, I feel extremely needy and lonely that when someone offers to do something nice for me or offer me help, I get extremely "high" and feel like never wanting that feeling of feeling special to ever go away. To the point where I dread that " special" moment to end.

I think a lot. I talk to myself a lot - silently in my head. I contemplate about a lot of things.

I wonder why people can be so selfish. I wonder why people can be so insensitive.

I've been going through this phase where I want to relive some parts of my life of before. Particularly times when my Mom and Dad were alive. I don't know how I survived those years when I lost them. I can't say things have gotten better- or worse. There's still that yearning, you know? And no matter what anybody says or does, no one will ever be able to love me the way they loved me. And the thing that slaps me in the face right now is that I can't seem to stop yearning for that same old feeling. It stabs me. It pains me.

On some days, I try to be jolly and bubbly. I fear people may already think I'm a weirdo. But what the heck, there are more weirdos out there. I don't know how to deal with certain things sometimes. I've cut down on crying. I don't like talking about it that much to anyone because I feel it's tiring to listen to.

So that's why maybe I write sometimes. Yes, that's why I write. In the middle of my journaling my everyday life with my kids, I sometimes find myself carving a space in this blog of mine to release my truth, my reality. One things that I know for sure is that I can't escape reality. I may try to ignore it, even pretend not to see it but it catches up with me and screams at me.

One thing I know is that I haven't lost the faith. When I'm on the brink of hopelessness, I am reminded. And then I pray.

When things start making sense, chaos sets in. Then I ask myself what all this is about. Then again, I tell myself not to expect any answers. I shake my head and roll my eyes.

Life.

Party!

2009-10-17T20:41:00.000+08:00

All the loot we got!

Candy!

The littlest one is the celebrant

It was a birthday party my very close friend Debbie planned for her son Ichigo months before but because of the weather, a lot of those plans had to change. Nonetheless, we brought the kids to party and they had a blast. Most of our friends were unable to attend so most of the guests were the friends of Debbie's Mom and they brought along their grandchildren.

Seriously, the grannies had a blast spoiling their grandkids rotten. They ate cake and lots of candies and some were even allowed to drink soda! They were sort of laughing at my kids because I had to take charge and control their sugar intake. They were all telling me that if my Mom were alive and had the chance to be with my kids, she'd do the exact same thing. And knowing my Mom, she would really do that.

Dash was and has always been intrigued by Ichigo and even asked "Can Ichigo also be my brother? So I'll have 2 Arrows. Please Moms?"

I was also just really happy to get together with Debbie. Decent adult conversations with my girlfriends can be very, very therapeutic especially if you live in a house full of testosterone infested creatures all under 4 feet- oh yeah and a five foot nine male creature who refuses to understand stiletto's and beautiful handbags.

Chill

2009-10-15T20:32:00.000+08:00

He's the most laid back kid I have ever had. He doesn't really have a schedule. He eats when he wants to, sleeps when he wants to and plays when he wants to. Not that he is an unpredictable kid, it's just that, of my 3 children, he's the least who has had to submit to my rigidity. Because I am such an OC mother, I have learned to sit back and just let it flow-- and I am very proud of that. If today doesn't turn out as good as yesterday, I don't try to re-run all the events of yesterday and try to reconstruct what I did today to pin point what I did wrong.

Smile kid.

I Love Yah!

Right Now

2009-10-12T20:18:00.002+08:00

There were hardly any cars on the roads today- people saving on gas or maybe because they don't have anymore gas at all. We asked our messenger to buy lunch and he had a hard time looking for a place to buy our food. 3 restaurants were closed including KFC. Ironically, he was able to get us chicken and burgers at McDonalds.

Older folk have been talking about this same situation being almost similar to almost 19 years ago during the 1990 killer quake- of course things were much worse then. So I've been trying to remember 19 years ago when we ourselves were evacuees. I don't remember much except for a few very vivid memories. I do remember my Mom being very worried. And I do remember my Dad wanting us to leave the evacuation center where we had been staying for 2 weeks. I remember him something like, "You want to keep staying there? The old woman has tuberculosis for all we know." And I don't think I could quite understand the tension brewing between him and my Mom and my aunts and my grandparents. But now I know it must have been terrifying for them.

There's hardly any meat in the market. No fish since fish is brought up from the lowlands. Vegetables are priced 4-5 times the regular price. Our city has even run out of caskets.

There's a whole lot going through my head right now. I'm extremely thankful that my family is safe but my heart goes out to all those who are shattered right now- those who have lost their homes, those who lost their loved ones in the landslides. Our office put together boxes of relief goods, mostly clothing. It's heartbreaking.

Worried Woried Worried

2009-10-11T15:50:00.002+08:00

The sun finally shined. After 6 whole days of stormy weather I thought I wouldn't see the sun anymore. It had been a crazy week. Classes were cancelled since Tuesday and office hours at the bank were so unpredictable. The lights went on and off. The rains were deafening and the winds were terrifying. Finally, on Friday, the rains decided to calm down and only then did we realize how much damage was done to our city.

We had 7 major landslides, one killing at least 50. All 3 major roads leading to our city have been closed. Gas stations have cordoned off their pumps since gas has run out and according to one city official, we have at least 2 days worth left of basic commodities. I'm worried.

The mayor has cancelled classes for all levels until Wednesday.

Other than that, we are all safe.

I can hear the kids squealing and running and playing on their bikes outside. That's a good sign, at least. For now.

Stop. Think. Change. Now.

2009-10-08T20:37:00.000+08:00

Before heading back home, we passed through areas in Manila which just a few hours before was submerged in flood water.

While listening to the news on the radio, they were talking about climate change as the culprit who caused the flooding in Metro Manila.

I thought to myself, yes there have been so many eerie changes happening to our planet causiing so much calamities and destructions. But I think we should all just stop pointing fingers and stop rationalizing. Garbage is one major problem. Illegal logging is another. Over commercializing areas which are not meant to be commercialized is another as well. Pollution has caused great damage.
Will we learn? Will we say enough is enough? Will we accept our faults and do something about it?
We should. Why wait for another tradegy to happen? Why wait for so many lives to be lost?

Till?

2009-10-07T19:42:00.002+08:00

I don't remember the last time I saw the sun shining. I miss the warmth of the sun on a chilly "ber" month. It has been stormy the past 5 days and I haven't been enjoying the weather that much.

Today the bank I work for decided to declare early closure because of the horrible weather. I was more than happy to know that I could start packing my bag a little before 4PM. The whole day, all I could think about was being home with the kids (since classes were suspended for pre school and grade school). So as soon ans the clock ticked 4, I called my husband and told him I was ready to be picked up.

On the way home, I got to start thinking, until when will I feel this way? Until when will I be all too excited to go home and be with the kids? Since I gave birth to my 3rd child, I have been extremely "into the kids." Not as if I wasn't into them before but this time, I feel different. The feeling of just wanting to be with my family is much, much stronger now. In the past, I seemed to have so many other things I wanted to do other than to just be with the family. While my husband drove home, I was thinking, what would life be 5 or 10 or 15 years from now? When my eldest would be in college and the middle and the youngest in highschool? When they will have their own schedules and interests and friends and priorities. I'm afraid. What will I do then? What will I rush home to?

It's been raining. And spirits ave been dampened.

At 7 Months.

2009-10-06T20:23:00.004+08:00

No. Don't remind me that you only have 5 months left of babyhood. I do not want to think of you're taking your first step because that will mean you will be able to walk away from me. I will enjoy ever minute of carrying you even if some say I'm spoiling you by never putting you down.

Everyday I look at you and always whisper a prayer, thanking the Lord for blessing me with such a precious little guy. In the middle of the night when you wake up to feed, I always make sure to just look at you. To look at your face, your hands and everything else about you.

I talk about you to everyone, even if they don't ask. I tell them stories about you even if some may not even be interested.

I don't know what it'll be like tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now. But one thing is for sure sweetie, you will always be my precious.

I Almost Ended It. I'm Glad I Didn't. Feeling Much, Much Better.

2009-10-04T17:31:00.002+08:00

I mean, where the heck have I been? Rediscovering myself I guess. I was seriously thinking of deleting this blog. But I know we -bloggers, all go through this phase at one point or another. But I thought about the 3 years I poured my heart and soul into this, was I willing to just throw it all away? I thought of deleting and then starting a new blog again somewhere-- but what about all the wonderful friendships I have developed over the years? I'm not good at throwing such away. I thought of doing so because at one point, I realized that I wasn't being true to myself and to my readers. I figured that what was pushing me to the brink of pushing the "delete" button was I was not utilizing my blog to its fullest.

With that said, I am going to be extremely true to me and to you. No arguments please. No room for debate. Just my purest thoughts and intentions with the ope of being able to find myself again, to keep treasured friends and discover so much more wonderful people out there.

Last weekend was hell. I tagged along with my husband because he was to join another one of his car races in Manila. We knew there was a storm coming but when we left or house, the sun was actually shining. By the time we got to the express way, the rain started to pour heavily and there were policemen waving their hands. We stopped and asked what was the matter and they told us that certain areas along the highway were already flooded. We decided to take the nearest exit and wait till the rain stopped. Fat chance. We were stranded for 9 hours and for the 1st time in my life I feared for my life. We were able to find a high enough ground where we parked the cars but when you looked to both sides, you could see that the waters were already rising. My husband tried to find food while I waited in the car. I was crying and praying. And at that point all I wanted to do was to hug my children. My husband came back without any food. He said he was too scared to proceed because the flood waters were up to his thighs already. So we stayed in the car and waited and listened to the news on the radio. At around 11PM, we heard that the highway was pretty clear. We took our chances even if the waters were still up to the tires of our car. Luckily, we got to proceed. We were hoping to make a u-turn and proceed back home but we were informed that the Northbound lane of the highway was closed because there were certain areas where the flood waters were neck deep. So we decided to proceed to Manila. We spent the night there and then headed back home the next day.

When we got home, my 3 year old had fever. The next day he couldn't eat because his mouth was full of mouth sores. It was horrible. The next day, he seemed to be feeling much better but then my 7 year old had caught the fever and was complaining of a sore throat. I had to go to work. In the afternoon, our house help sent me a message informing me that my 6month old had fever as well. Both Josh and Arrow had fever through the night and the next day, Arrow didn't want to drink milk from me and from the bottle. I brought them to their pedia for their check up. Apparently, it was a viral infection. After a day, they were all pretty OK already.

I have a huge mouth sore on my right tonsil, a runny nose and a throbbing head.

Wonderful.

But I am thankful that the storm has passed. Google it. You'll see how affected the Philippines is.

And I wonder, is there hope for our country?

I'm feeling yucky- physically. But much better- emotionally.

The Sweetest Thing

2009-09-16T20:39:00.002+08:00

In the hospital, while waiting for the doctor to insert his IV.
--
Me: Dash, what do you want to become when you grow big?

Dash: Hmmm...

Me: Do you want to become a doctor?

Dash: Hulk

Me: Huh? You want to become a hulk?

Dash: Yeah Mommy.

Me: Why?

Dash: So that I can carry your car for you.
--
Sweet Boy. Hulk it is.

I'm Giving It Up

2009-09-11T17:32:00.000+08:00

Josh: Mom? How come you don't allow me to drink coke but Arrow can drink coke?

Me: Huh? Arrow doesn't drink coke.

Josh: Yes he does.

Me: No he doesn't Josh.

Josh: But you told me that whatever you drink and whatever you eat goes to Arrow.

Me: Yeah.

Josh: You drank coke a while ago.

~silence~

Josh: Mom, you drank coke a while ago.

Me: I know.

Josh: So...Arrow drank coke. Because you told me...

Me: I'm never drinking coke again.

Some Firsts Aren't Quite Fascinating

2009-09-08T17:08:00.006+08:00

He swam for 7 hours and after 2 days of paracetamol and mucolytic, we found ourselves in the ER. His Pediatrician felt it better we treat his pneumonia in the hospital - against my pleading. How would our arrangements be? There was a 6 month old baby waiting for me at home but I knew I had to be beside my 3 year old.

This was his first time to be admitted to a hospital.I am thankful that there was no drama in the ER. His IV was inserted without a hitch. He was extremely cooperative and didn't complain 1 bit except for when they were about to do an x-ray. I despise "cold, detached" health care workers who fail to make the patient feel safe and secure. So I had to do a bit more prodding at the x-ray room while the very impatient x-ray technician tapped his foot while waiting for a very scared 3 year old to subject himself to what the kid felt was a scary procedure.

The husband stayed with him through the night because I had to feed the littlest one through the night. I must say, Dash was such a trooper.

We were hoping to be discharged after 48 hours but his pediatrician thought otherwise. I would stay in the hospital the whole day and would leave when Dash would be asleep. I would come home feeling guilty and lonely. Looking for the normal.

Finally, today, Dash's pediatrician found Dash fit to continue his medications at home.

Sure it was a time of testing for us again. But I realized that in adverse circumstances, complaining never gets the job done. Being thankful is the best thing to do.

Everytime I would go to the hospital in the morning, I would have to pass by the PICU and I would have to see this little guy hooked up to a respirator and I would have to see the worried, sad, heartbroken faces of his family.

Unplugged

2009-09-04T13:32:00.000+08:00

There are certain events I know are engraved in my heart. Often times, they cross my mind. Sometimes I choose to deny them access to my heart, I try to think of happier times. Seldom do I allow myself to live and relive those moments. That seldom is today.

I remember...

I woke up at 6 or even a little before 6. Excited may never be right term. Anxious maybe. Scared a better word. We were to leave for Manila and bring Mom to St. Luke's Hospital -- for her to get the best medical care. They wheeled her down to where the ambulance was waiting. One of her good friends, Auntie June, rode with her in the back. when she was safely secured, I took my seat in front beside the driver. I was holding my Bible and a slice of banana bread. I don't remember the last time I ate. As we drove, I tried to take a bite of the bread because I suddenly felt hungry. So I did. And then I remembered why we were going to Manila then suddenly, I completely lost my appetite. I decided to read my Bible.

There was a funeral procession when we reached one of the provinces. It didn't mean anything to me. Or I didn't want it to mean anything to me. I watched the family members cry and mourn.

The trip just took around 4 hours. When we got to the hospital, my aunt was waiting for us there. Mom went through the regular pre admission screening and then we finally brought her to her room.

My aunt, who is a pre school teacher, had all of her students make get well cards for my Mom which she decorated the room with. Shortly after my Mom was settled on her bed, my other aunt (Mom's eldest sister) called. Mom broke down. This was the first and the last time I heard my Mom cry her heart out about her cancer. I cried. My aunt cried. My Moms friend cried. We cried. And then we had a hearty lunch of KFC chicken, mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

--

I miss you Mom. So much. I feel so lonely. I am full of joy with my 3 boys but a lot of times I crave for some decent adult conversation. It's the little things I miss. My being able to rant to you knowing fully that even if you didn't agree with me, I wouldn't feel as though I am being judged for how I feel or how I view things. Being able to ask you how to make certain dishes that I loved to eat when I was growing up. To gossip with someone. To share stories of the kids. You understood me Mom, you always got me. I'm lonely. You are one of the very, very, very few with whom I can be myself and when I am not with you, I miss myself too.

I still question God every once in a while and then I am reminded that for everything, there is a reason. I haven't understood His ways and I may never be able to do so. So each day, I remind myself that you are in a better place. By doing so, I also remind myself to stop being selfish.

But it doesn't change the fact that I miss you so.

Tomorrow I'll try to go on again with my life. Half heartedly convincing myself to keep my head up high, fill my heart with joy and live in contentment.

Until I decide to unplug my self again....

I Heart It

2009-08-28T21:10:00.000+08:00

Last weekend, we --the whole family, took a trip down to Manila to enjoy the long weekend. I was a nervous wreck about how Arrow would take the 5 hour travel time. Turned out he was such an awesome trooper!

The hubby had a grand time at his autocross race.

I had a great time with my best friends. As my eldest son put it, "Mommy, did you have a splendid time with your friends?" Splendid it is.

And we all were able to bond together.

I love family time. Always.

One Fine Gentleman

2009-08-26T20:59:00.005+08:00

Imagine, I have to see this cuteness every morning before he goes to school.

He's definitely smothered with kisses before stepping out the door.

Everything Peter, Tony, Kent. Never Mention Super Girl or Wonder Woman

2009-08-20T14:45:00.000+08:00

If you are a mother, you have to be creative at all times. At all times. If you're not, you're kid is going to outsmart you. Always.

Me: Time to eat Dash.

Dash: (pointing at the squash and beans on his plates) I don't want that orange and green thing mommy.

Me: But that's what Peter Parker eats to make him fly.

Dash: I want some more orange and green things mommy.

----
Me: Sleep now Dash.

Dash: Nope. I not sleepy Moms.

Me: You have to sleep Dash.

Dash: Don't wike sleep Moms.

Me: Common Dash, Ironman sleeps to become really strong.

Dash: I going to sleep now Moms.

--

Me: Dash. Please. Stop. Jumping.

Dash: jump jump jump

Me: Stop. It. Dash

Dash: Wook Mommy, like spiderman!

Me: Stop.

Dash: I like spiderman Moms! Jumping high!

Me: Just like Super Girl!

Dash: I not jumping anmore.

Sitting On My Thinking Chair

2009-08-17T16:53:00.000+08:00

When is too much, too much?

What Shall We Call It Then?

2009-08-15T18:39:00.000+08:00

There's this really funny feeling I only started to feel when I became a mother. And I do not know what words to use to describe it. But let me talk about it.

When you have children, priorities suddenly change. If in your past no child yet years, you could splurge your money on whatever your heart desires, when you have a child although you do want that something, you know you aren't supposed to spend all your money on that. When you have children, there are many things you can;t do anymore. Things like making a trip to the salon anytime you want to. Having a kid demands proper time management especially if you are a working mom. When you have a child, your circle of friends start to become smaller - especially if you're like me where I decided to have kids when all my other friends were still enjoying their reckless college years.

In short, having children demands a lot of change. Having children can be very tiring and toxic. It can drain the hell out of us. It can bring us to tears -- tears of joy and tears of frustration. It can make us want to just bury our heads in the sand-- forever. It can make us think and re-think about whether we made the right decision. It can drive us crazy.

And so, so many people tell us to 1. take a break 2. take it easy 3. spend some time alone. And I believe we believe them when they tell us that. But we don't want to.

Like let's say, we're carrying baby the whole day and our back is aching like hell. And then someone kindly offers to carry baby so that we can sit down for a while, probably eat a snack or read the papers or watch T.V. But do we? No, as soon as they get baby from us, we either wash the dishes, fold the clothes, wipe the counters -- do something to keep us busy. On a larger scale, when someone says, go on a vacation and leave your kids with me and do not for one second worry about them, do we? Well we may go on that a vacation, but we will probably spend every second on the phone checking on the kids.

Is it the inability to relax that we should call it? Is it the worry bone in our body that gives us that discomfort?

It's probably love.

I'm Tying A Yellow Ribbon 'Round My Heart

2009-08-13T13:36:00.000+08:00

Everytime I hear or read about people battling cancer, my heart breaks. I find it still to be such a sore spot in my heart. When I heard that our former president Corazon C. Aquino was battling colon cancer, I thought to myself, "Indeed cancer does not pick anyone." When I heard that she was admitted to the hospital over a month ago and was in the ICU, I could not help but remember my Mom and her last month of her life which she spent in the hospital -- 3 weeks in a private room and her last in the ICU.

I was barely 4 years old when Cory Aquino became president of our country. I could hardly understand what the 1986 EDSA revolution was really all about. But what I did know was, our country was finally free from the Marcos regime. I remember my mom keeping in touch with her sister- my aunt who was living in Manila during the 1986 coup attempt. I don't really remember much about her 6 year presidency. But as I grew older, I started to learn more and more about what she and her husband Ninoy Aquino did for our country.

In the recent years, when our country would celebrate EDSA day and Ninoy Aquino Day, I would feel more and mpre for my country.

Last week, when former president Aquino passed away, I was again given an opportunity to reflect on many things.

There were basically two major thoughts that crossed my mind. First, I don't think I will ever feel the same way ever for my country again more so, for a former president of our country. I started to think of what the future held for the Philippines. Ninoy and Cory to me stood for democracy. I don't think graft and corruption were the main criticisms thrown against Cory Aquino but rather her ability to run the country - given that she was a former housewife and although most will not admit, and a woman. But she managed. She did. And she carved her name in Philippine history. Thoughts like, does our country still have hope? What now that an icon of democracy is gone? Second, how painful it is for former president Cory Aquino's family to have to cope with the loss of not just a former president, but with a mother. Losing a loved one is never easy, is never wanted. But yes, it is the inevitable.

Just thinking of that made me relive the memories of 2005 when my mom battled lung cancer. I didn't find myself crying this time. I thought maybe I am finally moving on. But the aching in my heart was so real. I am still trying to come to terms with so many things. Things I have tried to dismiss and push away- to hide and pretend they do not matter. I have guilt. I have anger. I have frustrations. But facing them allows me to come to terms. I'm not yet there but I know I'm almost there.

President Aquino's life made an impact in many people's lives. Her death changed lives.

Ponder...Wonder.

2009-08-10T16:51:00.000+08:00

Is it too much to ask for more?

Monkey See, Monkey Do

2009-08-10T14:56:00.001+08:00

There Are Only 2 Reasons Why I Love Homework Time

2009-08-07T14:50:00.000+08:00

1. I get to refresh my memory.

2. I get to practice my patience.

5

2009-08-06T15:06:00.000+08:00

I refuse to admit that time flies. I want time to freeze-- forever.

I want you to be my cuddly, sweaty, drooling baby forever. I want you to be the little creature who keeps me secure at night. You are my milk monster who gives me backaches because you love being carried. You are the angel who brings tears to my eyes everytime I remember what we went through when you were in my womb.

I love every single second of loving you, sweetheart.

Don't grow up on me.

The Three Of Them

2009-08-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

When you have more than 1 kid, you can't help but compare one from the other -- in a good way.

Arrow reminds me of my eldest in so many ways. For one, he is a thumb sucker. Josh was one too while Dash preferred the binky. Arrow is a sweaty baby just like Josh unlike Dash who wasn't much of one. Arrow's hair is always standing exactly like Josh's until he was about 6 or 7 months. They both have the same color unlike Dash who was fairer. But Arrow is such an easy baby just like Dash unlike Josh who was the fussy one. Arrow loves being cuddled like Dash while Josh preferred to be free of any arms or blankets around him. Unlike Dash who was a serious baby, Arrow is like Josh who was always smiling and laughing.

When I look at my 7 year old, he is very different from my 3 year old. I can't help but wonder who Arrow will be when he gets older. Will he love chicken just like Josh? Or will he love sweets just like Dash?

One thing Josh and Dash do love though are their superheroes. Not a day goes by without hearing the names Spiderman, Ironman, Batman, Hulk. They assign names to each other. They never forget to tell me that I am either Supergirl or Barbie. Although they did say that Arrow could be Mary Jane (Spiderman's love interest). They also love tumbling and jumping and wrestling.

It's fun just thinking of how exciting it will be when the little one starts interacting with his 2 older brothers. I know it will be a riot.