BOO!!

No candy for the little one...So he got an apple
Deciding on which candy to eat first...strictly 1 candy/day
He picked his candy for the day-- NERDS



Halloween isn't such a big thing in our country yet. So this is as far as they got to getting treats.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

There's something about socks that spells Y-U-M-M-Y! for babies...

Arrow at 7 months

Dash when he was 7 months

On Being Boys

Their gonna bump their heads. scratch their knees of bruise their arms. So you just gotta take the necessary precautions.

Dictionary, Please

My 3 year olds vocabulary has been expanding so fast:

1. Babarque - May be pork, chicken or beef

2. Bentist - doctor who cures toothaches

3. Evelation - Evolution (referring to the Lancer Evolution car he saw)

4. Pockcorn - you eat this at the movies

5. Coco Cola - direct competitor of Pepsi

6. Stam Up - And the sit down

7. Pangcake - You eat this with maple syrup, egss and bacon. Yum!

8. Scratch Tape - Use it when you want to tape 2 things together

Elitist?

People often judge me as a snob- or a person not easily approachable. I do agree to a certain level. I have encountered so many people telling me, "The first time I met you, I thought you would be hard to get along with but after getting to know you, I think you're really a nice person." I am not trying to flatter myself, please. But really, I do get those comments ALWAYS.

As I have grown older, I've realized that maybe that's my "wall," the front I put up because I am a shy person, really. Sometimes insecure and lacking in confidence when placed in a huge group of people. When I am unsure of the crown you put me in, I have the tendency to withdraw and wait for people to approach me. If no one approaches me - because of their perception of me-- that of being a snob, then I don't make the first move.

I have also always preferred to limit the people I choose to bare my soul to. In the office, I am comfortable with 3 or 4 of my officemates - people whom I can easily talk with, laugh with, express my rants to. As for the others, a polite smile and a nod every once in a while is enough. I have a circle of friends and the number of real, real, real friends I have can be counted on one hand. I have also figured that it's a choice I have made. I may have acquaintances, but I chose to maintain the relationship on that level.

I admire people who have a lot of friends, who are able to easily mingle with people they've met for the first time. I can't help but be amazed by people who can converse and build rapport with complete strangers.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's good or bad. I ask myself if it will affect my survival skills.

Missing You Ma

I woke up to the sound of the rain. Storm's probably coming. The sun wasn't up yet. I took a look at my 7 month old who had been awake for some time already.
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4 years ago, I got a call. A call nobody would have wanted to ever receive. "She had a cardiac arrest. But they were able to revive her" said my Aunt. As I look back, at that point, I think I thought I was ready and prepared. "Make sure you sign the do no resuscitate form tita (aunt)" I said. I woke up my husband and told him we had to leave for Manila.

I don't really remember the 5 hour trip down to Manila. Along the express way, we stopped to gas up. As we were pulling out of the gas station, my phone rang. "Lou, your Mama went to heaven na" said my Aunt. I also don't remember what I said. I remember I started texting all my friends and my Mom's friends telling them Ma had gone. I got a couple of calls. I remember getting one from a very close family friend and church mate and since it was a Sunday, she passed the phone to our other church mates. I got a call from my boss. And then from my then best friend.

Upon reaching the hospital, we went straight to the ICU but by then, they had brought her to the morgue already. I don't know why I didn't break down. We went to the morgue and they asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. My husband did. He came out and told me she was cold already. We started making arrangements about bringing her to the funeral parlor.
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I think I may have been trying to deny so many feeling for the past 4 years. But today I come face to face with them. I regret a lot of things. I wish I had resigned and taken care of her instead. I wish I stayed with her. I wish I told her it wasn't ok with me for her to live. I wish I were there when she went into a cardiac arrest. I wish I took a look at her at the morgue. I wish I didn't pretend to be strong.

Today more than anything, I wish she were still alive.
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I miss you Mom, so so so so much. I thought it would get better as the years went by. I really miss you Ma. I love you. Happy 4 years in heaven.

Conscious Me. Like Really.

There this certain thing I have been going through lately. Maybe it's because I can feel that I'm not getting any younger? Lately, I have been so conscious about wanting to feel and look younger than I really am. I did feel these feelings every once in a while in the past but this year - especially after I gave birth- has been way more different.

For example, my hairdo counts a lot. If in the past I didn't really care about how it made me look, for as long as it was stylish and a 'wash'n wear' do, I would be perfectly fine with it. But now? I want it to make me look younger. Aside from that, I try to be careful about the clothes I wear. Not that I wear clothes that would make me look like I were in highschool, but I am careful to choose cuts and styles that would complement my over all look. And lastly, I have started investing in anti aging skin products. Suddenly, the fine lines around my eye area matter so much!

Some say women start feeling this when they reach 30. True or false? I have a few years before I reach the BIG 3-0. While men undergo this stage when they reach 40. Fact or myth?

I can't help but laugh at this thing I'm going through. With 3 kids, I am extremely conscious about wanting to look and feel good. Suddenly it is such a HUGE deal for me. I have been more conscious about the food I eat, the number of hours of sleep I get.

So who shares the same sentiments? Please raise your hands.

For Today

I wonder what today will bring. It's shining outside but the wind is chilly. Classes have been suspended in the preschool level. There's another super typhoon that's going to hit our country in a day or two. They say it will be as strong as the past 2 typhoons which brought so much destruction to our country. I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

It's 7:45 in the morning and I can't believe I have the time to blog. How is this happening? My 7 month old baby is on antibiotics to cure his upper respiratory tract infection. He was up most of the night because he was feeling very uneasy- so was I. I wonder when he will get well.

I wonder what today will be like in the office? Yesterday, my boss was absent but I still felt like I ad such a long day yesterday. I wonder when my workdays will feel light and easy and fun.

I wonder how Jet and I will be today. Yesterday we got into an argument- more than once actually. I wish our disagreements would stop. It's tiring and a waste of time.

Today, I wonder.

There Are No Answers

And I don't know why I always keep forgetting that life is a continuous journey, a never ending learning process where sometimes, we have to get hit real hard to finally learn our lessons. I may have forgotten that everyday, we learn new things. I've discovered that I haven't really defined who I am. I often still catch myself torn between opinions. Sometimes scared or unsure to voice out what I really feel or believe in for fear that people would judge me.

I've discovered that my emotions play a major, major role in my life. Sometimes, I feel extremely needy and lonely that when someone offers to do something nice for me or offer me help, I get extremely "high" and feel like never wanting that feeling of feeling special to ever go away. To the point where I dread that " special" moment to end.

I think a lot. I talk to myself a lot - silently in my head. I contemplate about a lot of things.

I wonder why people can be so selfish. I wonder why people can be so insensitive.

I've been going through this phase where I want to relive some parts of my life of before. Particularly times when my Mom and Dad were alive. I don't know how I survived those years when I lost them. I can't say things have gotten better- or worse. There's still that yearning, you know? And no matter what anybody says or does, no one will ever be able to love me the way they loved me. And the thing that slaps me in the face right now is that I can't seem to stop yearning for that same old feeling. It stabs me. It pains me.

On some days, I try to be jolly and bubbly. I fear people may already think I'm a weirdo. But what the heck, there are more weirdos out there. I don't know how to deal with certain things sometimes. I've cut down on crying. I don't like talking about it that much to anyone because I feel it's tiring to listen to.

So that's why maybe I write sometimes. Yes, that's why I write. In the middle of my journaling my everyday life with my kids, I sometimes find myself carving a space in this blog of mine to release my truth, my reality. One things that I know for sure is that I can't escape reality. I may try to ignore it, even pretend not to see it but it catches up with me and screams at me.


One thing I know is that I haven't lost the faith. When I'm on the brink of hopelessness, I am reminded. And then I pray.

When things start making sense, chaos sets in. Then I ask myself what all this is about. Then again, I tell myself not to expect any answers. I shake my head and roll my eyes.

Life.

Party!

All the loot we got!

Candy!

The littlest one is the celebrant

It was a birthday party my very close friend Debbie planned for her son Ichigo months before but because of the weather, a lot of those plans had to change. Nonetheless, we brought the kids to party and they had a blast. Most of our friends were unable to attend so most of the guests were the friends of Debbie's Mom and they brought along their grandchildren.

Seriously, the grannies had a blast spoiling their grandkids rotten. They ate cake and lots of candies and some were even allowed to drink soda! They were sort of laughing at my kids because I had to take charge and control their sugar intake. They were all telling me that if my Mom were alive and had the chance to be with my kids, she'd do the exact same thing. And knowing my Mom, she would really do that. 

Dash was and has always been intrigued by Ichigo and even asked "Can Ichigo also be my brother? So I'll have 2 Arrows. Please Moms?"

I was also just really happy to get together with Debbie. Decent adult conversations with my girlfriends can be very, very therapeutic especially if you live in a house full of testosterone infested creatures all under 4 feet- oh yeah and a five foot nine male creature who refuses to understand stiletto's and beautiful handbags.

Chill

He's the most laid back kid I have ever had. He doesn't really have a schedule. He eats when he wants to, sleeps when he wants to and plays when he wants to. Not that he is an unpredictable kid, it's just that, of my 3 children, he's the least who has had to submit to my rigidity. Because I am such an OC mother, I have learned to sit back and just let it flow-- and I am very proud of that. If today doesn't turn out as good as yesterday, I don't try to re-run all the events of yesterday and try to reconstruct what I did today to pin point what I did wrong.

Smile kid.

I Love Yah!

Right Now

There were hardly any cars on the roads today- people saving on gas or maybe because they don't have anymore gas at all. We asked our messenger to buy lunch and he had a hard time looking for a place to buy our food. 3 restaurants were closed including KFC. Ironically, he was able to get us chicken and burgers at McDonalds.

Older folk have been talking about this same situation being almost similar to almost 19 years ago during the 1990 killer quake- of course things were much worse then. So I've been trying to remember 19 years ago when we ourselves were evacuees. I don't remember much except for a few very vivid memories. I do remember my Mom being very worried. And I do remember my Dad wanting us to leave the evacuation center where we had been staying for 2 weeks. I remember him something like, "You want to keep staying there? The old woman has tuberculosis for all we know." And I don't think I could quite understand the tension brewing between him and my Mom and my aunts and my grandparents. But now I know it must have been terrifying for them.

There's hardly any meat in the market. No fish since fish is brought up from the lowlands. Vegetables are priced 4-5 times the regular price. Our city has even run out of caskets.

There's a whole lot going through my head right now. I'm extremely thankful that my family is safe but my heart goes out to all those who are shattered right now- those who have lost their homes, those who lost their loved ones in the landslides. Our office put together boxes of relief goods, mostly clothing. It's heartbreaking.

Worried Woried Worried

The sun finally shined. After 6 whole days of stormy weather I thought I wouldn't see the sun anymore. It had been a crazy week. Classes were cancelled since Tuesday and office hours at the bank were so unpredictable. The lights went on and off. The rains were deafening and the winds were terrifying. Finally, on Friday, the rains decided to calm down and only then did we realize how much damage was done to our city.

We had 7 major landslides, one killing at least 50. All 3 major roads leading to our city have been closed. Gas stations have cordoned off their pumps since gas has run out and according to one city official, we have at least 2 days worth left of basic commodities. I'm worried.

The mayor has cancelled classes for all levels until Wednesday.

Other than that, we are all safe.

I can hear the kids squealing and running and playing on their bikes outside. That's a good sign, at least. For now.

Stop. Think. Change. Now.

Before heading back home, we passed through areas in Manila which just a few hours before was submerged in flood water.

While listening to the news on the radio, they were talking about climate change as the culprit who caused the flooding in Metro Manila.

I thought to myself, yes there have been so many eerie changes happening to our planet causiing so much calamities and destructions. But I think we should all just stop pointing fingers and stop rationalizing. Garbage is one major problem. Illegal logging is another. Over commercializing areas which are not meant to be commercialized is another as well. Pollution has caused great damage.
Will we learn? Will we say enough is enough? Will we accept our faults and do something about it?
We should. Why wait for another tradegy to happen? Why wait for so many lives to be lost?

Till?

I don't remember the last time I saw the sun shining. I miss the warmth of the sun on a chilly "ber" month. It has been stormy the past 5 days and I haven't been enjoying the weather that much.

Today the bank I work for decided to declare early closure because of the horrible weather. I was more than happy to know that I could start packing my bag a little before 4PM. The whole day, all I could think about was being home with the kids (since classes were suspended for pre school and grade school). So as soon ans the clock ticked 4, I called my husband and told him I was ready to be picked up.

On the way home, I got to start thinking, until when will I feel this way? Until when will I be all too excited to go home and be with the kids? Since I gave birth to my 3rd child, I have been extremely "into the kids." Not as if I wasn't into them before but this time, I feel different. The feeling of just wanting to be with my family is much, much stronger now. In the past, I seemed to have so many other things I wanted to do other than to just be with the family. While my husband drove home, I was thinking, what would life be 5 or 10 or 15 years from now? When my eldest would be in college and the middle and the youngest in highschool? When they will have their own schedules and interests and friends and priorities. I'm afraid. What will I do then? What will I rush home to?

It's been raining. And spirits ave been dampened.

At 7 Months.

No. Don't remind me that you only have 5 months left of babyhood. I do not want to think of you're taking your first step because that will mean you will be able to walk away from me. I will enjoy ever minute of carrying you even if some say I'm spoiling you by never putting you down.

Everyday I look at you and always whisper a prayer, thanking the Lord for blessing me with such a precious little guy. In the middle of the night when you wake up to feed, I always make sure to just look at you. To look at your face, your hands and everything else about you.

I talk about you to everyone, even if they don't ask. I tell them stories about you even if some may not even be interested.

I don't know what it'll be like tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now. But one thing is for sure sweetie, you will always be my precious.

I Almost Ended It. I'm Glad I Didn't. Feeling Much, Much Better.

I mean, where the heck have I been? Rediscovering myself I guess. I was seriously thinking of deleting this blog. But I know we -bloggers, all go through this phase at one point or another. But I thought about the 3 years I poured my heart and soul into this, was I willing to just throw it all away? I thought of deleting and then starting a new blog again somewhere-- but what about all the wonderful friendships I have developed over the years? I'm not good at throwing such away. I thought of doing so because at one point, I realized that I wasn't being true to myself and to my readers. I figured that what was pushing me to the brink of pushing the "delete" button was I was not utilizing my blog to its fullest.

With that said, I am going to be extremely true to me and to you. No arguments please. No room for debate. Just my purest thoughts and intentions with the ope of being able to find myself again, to keep treasured friends and discover so much more wonderful people out there.

Last weekend was hell. I tagged along with my husband because he was to join another one of his car races in Manila. We knew there was a storm coming but when we left or house, the sun was actually shining. By the time we got to the express way, the rain started to pour heavily and there were policemen waving their hands. We stopped and asked what was the matter and they told us that certain areas along the highway were already flooded. We decided to take the nearest exit and wait till the rain stopped. Fat chance. We were stranded for 9 hours and for the 1st time in my life I feared for my life. We were able to find a high enough ground where we parked the cars but when you looked to both sides, you could see that the waters were already rising. My husband tried to find food while I waited in the car. I was crying and praying. And at that point all I wanted to do was to hug my children. My husband came back without any food. He said he was too scared to proceed because the flood waters were up to his thighs already. So we stayed in the car and waited and listened to the news on the radio. At around 11PM, we heard that the highway was pretty clear. We took our chances even if the waters were still up to the tires of our car. Luckily, we got to proceed. We were hoping to make a u-turn and proceed back home but we were informed that the Northbound lane of the highway was closed because there were certain areas where the flood waters were neck deep. So we decided to proceed to Manila. We spent the night there and then headed back home the next day.

When we got home, my 3 year old had fever. The next day he couldn't eat because his mouth was full of mouth sores. It was horrible. The next day, he seemed to be feeling much better but then my 7 year old had caught the fever and was complaining of a sore throat. I had to go to work. In the afternoon, our house help sent me a message informing me that my 6month old had fever as well. Both Josh and Arrow had fever through the night and the next day, Arrow didn't want to drink milk from me and from the bottle. I brought them to their pedia for their check up. Apparently, it was a viral infection. After a day, they were all pretty OK already.

I have a huge mouth sore on my right tonsil, a runny nose and a throbbing head.

Wonderful.

But I am thankful that the storm has passed. Google it. You'll see how affected the Philippines is.

And I wonder, is there hope for our country?

I'm feeling yucky- physically. But much better- emotionally.