Meme- My 1st!

I love being tagged! Again, thanks SusieJ.!


“INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.”

1. Curiosity Killer

2. Ms Mamma

3. Relaxed Parents

4. SusieJ.

5. 3 Boys and a Lady



“Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already)”

1. Chaos Control

2. Life Is Just Around The Corner

3. Living In Perfect Chaos

4. Yadda Yadda Blog Blog

5. Pinks and Blues Girls


Now for the fun part — the questions: “What were you doing 10 years ago?”

I was in my junior year in highschool - rebelling against the whole world.

“What were you doing 1 year ago?”

I was on maternity leave, waking up at night every 2 hours and snuggling with the baby.

“Five snacks you enjoy:”

1. Chips
2. Strawberries
3. Oreos
4. Sushi
5. Pastries

“Five songs to which you know all the lyrics”

1. Real Thing - Kalapana
2. What Might Have Been - Lou Pardini
3. Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder
4. Butterfly Kisses - Bob Carlisle
5. After All - Peter Cetera

“Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:”

1. Buy an island resort
2. Travel the World
3. Build our dream house
4. Go on a shopping spree
5. Set up a business

“Five bad habits:”

1. I go on crash diets and then binge
2. I worry all the time
3. I complain all the time
4. I sleep too late and then complain the next day
5. I hardly apply good advise given to me

Five things you like doing:

1. Writing on my blog
2. Collecting seashells
3. Talking
4. Reminiscing
5. Taking Pictures

Five things you would never wear again

1. Baggy hip-hoppish clothes!
2. Chunky Shoes
3. Uncomfortable shoes - for the sake of fashion
4. Blouses with shoulder pads
5. High Waist Jeans

“Five favorite toys:”

1. My Digital Camera

2. My iPod

3. My Make Up

4. My FRIENDS DVD series - which I never mind watching over and over again

5. My Kids!!

On Continuous Learning

Last week, I attended a bridge program in accounting. This was needed for me to enroll in the masters program that i chose - Masters in Management. Being a graduate of Social Science (Psychology and Sociology), I was able to escape major Math subjects in college. My only hurdle was Statistics. I used to hate numbers and math since forever - we just never clicked but in recent years I have tried my best to love it - to no avail though. So when I attended this bridge program, I was pretty pleased with the first 2 days. It was all lecture on theories, concepts and principles involved in accounting. Although new to me, it caught my interest. Mind you, I have never been exposed to any form of business subject in the past. And then on the 3rd day, the professor introduced the balance sheet, ledger, terms like closing the books and balancing the entries.
Oh my God. That's all I could say. I sat there and tried my darnest best to absorb everything the teacher was saying. I had classmates who were store owners or who were working for the sales and marketing division of their company, I had a lawyer classmate. My Mom's Pulmunologist who discovered she had cancer was even my classmate - seeing him made me feel good. Anyway, there I was completely lost. I thought I would not survive the week.
But I did. And as I look back at last week's experience, I must say that learning should never stop. Out of school for more than 2 years has made my brain lazy - that is one major fact I have discovered. And although I have been comfortable the past 2 years, last week's experience made me realize all the more that most of the time, comfort is not always enough. My perception may change, but at the moment, what I can say for myself is, when I am comfortable, I am not doing my best.
Last week was a learning experience. To state the obvious would be for me to say that I have learned what accounting is - although just a slice of it. The more important learning is, I have learned to dream again - for me, for my husband and for the boys. It opened my eyes to many more possibilities, many more things I can be for my family.

Tell Me

Thresholds of pain vary. Some take it lightly, some hurt much more. Whether physical, emotional or mental, pain varies. That is a fact.
And whether that pain is brought about by an illness, an accident, grief and mourning, betrayal or sudden loss - pain hurts. We can never escape pain forever, we may try to run away from it or hide from it but in the end, pain will catch up with us and will make its presence felt.
How does one battle pain? Do you drown yourself in whatever drug numbs it and get swallowed into yet more pain? The pain of addiction. Should you face it head on even if you are not prepared to? What if you have no choice but to do so but somewhere in the middle you lose yourself in the battle? Should you pretend that it does not exist? Resort to intellectual or philosophical theories to explain what it is you are feeling. Detach yourself from emotion so that you forget what pain is and end up forgetting what joy and comfort are.
Will we ever be ready for pain? Will we ever see or feel the signs? Do you build your wall around your heart so that you protect that which matters to you most? If you build that wall will you ever be able to tear it down later on?
In silence will you suffer or shall it be told?

These Days

Having a 5 year old pose for the camera is becoming more and more difficult. He thinks it funny to make alienish, weird, rockstar faces once the camera is about to click. Shortly after, he asks us to show him the picture on the lcd and when he sees his face he laughs hysterically and says "coo-wool."

And oh yeah, he was so thrilled to see creatures under the sea and so he said "Mom! I saw a lot of sea archies!"

Now my 1 year old is starting to learn how to smile for the camera. Shortly after his first studio pictorial - where he refused to give us a smile, leaving me and Jet sweaty and tired from jumping behind the photographer and peek-a-booing in the hope of getting the little one to smile - he has learned to automatically smile for the camera regardless of who is taking the picture.

Evidence below:

Rock on haha!

Grand Adventure

We went on a 5-day grand adventure. I did not know what to expect, what to look forward to, what to be scared about or what to be happy about.All I knew was I was going on a 5 day trip to Palawan with my husband, 2 kids, 2 cousins and Aunt.

We left on the 11PM bus trip. I t was a 5 hour trip down to Manila where we were to fly off at 720AM to Busuanga Coron Palawan.

Jet with the 2 boys. The little one eventually sat with me.

We got to Manila a little past 5AM and met my cousin at the bus station. We headed off to the domestic airport and checked in a good 2 hours before our scheduled flight. At this point I was trying to anticipate how Dash would take the flight. Josh on the other hand was all too excited about reaching Palawan. We boarded the plane around 7AM. Dash had no problem with take off but once we were steadily cruising, all he wanted to do was walk around the plane! The 44 seater plane only had 11 passengers, thus:

This sitting down stint of his lasted for a good 20 seconds
The skies were overcast when we arrived. No sign of beach weather was in sight. We travelled 40 minutes by land to get to the port and hopped on a pump boat to get to the island resort we were staying in. We were welcomed by drinks and were assigned a 'tour guide' who would be our constant companion for the next 5 days. We had lunch and were told that we would be going island hopping at 3PM. By 2PM, the skies were heavy with gray clouds but nonetheless, we all went at 3PM. The waters were calm but shortly after leaving the pier, the rains started to pour. We continued on for a few more minutes but decided that the rains were too strong to carry on.

Protecting Dash from the rain and cold sea winds.

A few minutes after turning back, the clouds cleared. Geez. But we still decided to head back and rest for the rest of the afternoon and hoped that the next day would be better. We were fed dinner - yummy yummy food by the way and went to bed early. I woke up around 4AM and could hear the pitter patter of the rain! We woke up around 6, clouds still in the sky but we were still determined to head out and make the most out of the day.

Make the most of the day we did. We trekked under the rain, swam in the lake, kayakked, island hopped, visited the lagoons with beautiful limestone cliffs as its background and swam. The background limestone cliffs reminded me of the shots from Leonardo's TheBeach. We settled in and enjoyed the beautiful sunset.

Cayangan Lake

Kayaking in the lagoon

We prayed, oh yes we did. We prayed for sun. And so the next day, I saw the beautiful sun. Can't describe how happy I was. By this time, Dash was getting a bit more comfy with his surroundings, wanting to walk all over the place. All Josh could care about was swimming. We ate breakfast and headed out very early. Our tour guide was very very kind and patient. We went to the hot springs, snorkeling and then back to the lagoon. This is when I realized how high my kids would get with everything happening around. The beach for me equated to the sun, the sand, a book and a cold mango-banana shake. Not for the boys, keeping still is a big no-no. And that's when I told myself to brace myself for what is yet to come in the next few years.

No notion of fear

The next day, our last day, we decided to head out again and go snorkeling in one of the dive sites. It was a shipwreck of one of the Japanese boats bombed during WWII. It was a treat because rarely would you find such a shallow shipwreck (9m). We headed back shortly after lunch to rest as we were travelling back to Baguio the next day.

Third Day

We are on our 3rd day of vacationing in this exotic island of Palawan. So far so good. My boys have been such happy troopers. We have been trekkng, snorkling and kayaking. Man, I am prety sure I will be doing this for the next 20 years - my boys get a certain high with such activities. Ack!
Detailed stories and pictures when I get back.

We Made It

The bus ride is still a blur. My feet were dangling, Dash was all too sleepy, pacifier in mouth, I couldn't quite sleep but we made it. We boarded the plane a little after 7AM and took of at 720. Take off was pretty smooth, no problem with Dash. But the plane ride itself was hellish. We spent almost the whole hour chasing after the baby monster. Landing time was even harder as Dash refused to be held on my lap or on anybody's lap. But otherwise, we made it. We are on an island resort without much guests.
Later!

What Should I...?

I have a lot of questions. On Wednesday, the 4 of us - Me, Jet, Josh and Dash - together with my Aunt and 2 cousins will be going on a trip to
Palawan. This is the very very first time I will be travelling with a 1 year old in tow. And when you think about it, he still is a baby! We will be there for 5 days (woohoo! yeah!) and I have no idea if I have prepared all that I should prepare.
Since the baby is a baby, I will be bringing tons of clothes - not sure about laundry service in the resort. And never mind if I bring a huge bag just as long as I do not exceed the number of kgs. I will bring a whole can of milk and a new pack of 36 L diapers. Aside from that, I am so bringing his bottle sterilizer. I have prepared my first aid kit - alcohol, band aid, mosquito repellent lotion, betadine, fever meds, cough meds, etc. I will most likely bring his stroller too. I have asked my cousin to ask the airlines how much mL of water is allowed on board ( as ATO has become so strict when it comes to things allowed in one's hand carry).
What else should I prepare? We take a 5 hour bus trip and then fly off from the domestic airport around 5am. The air trip will be at least 1 1/2 hours. And then possibly a short 30 minute boat ride to the resort itself. Mommies who have travelled with babies before, please share with me your tips. Josh's first long trip away from home was when he was 3 yrs 11 months, so it was not much of a problem or issue at all.
Did I miss out on anything else that I should pack?
I looked at the website of the resort, Divelink and saw that it is a simple resort which pretty much has what I need - aircon rooms, TV, hot/cold shower. But should I double check on anything else?
As usual, I have been stressing myself the past 5 days just thinking of how this grand adventure with a 5 year old and a 1 year old is going to be. And oh yeah hubby is coming too. So, three kids in tow.
Tips?

The Bash

We celebrated Dash's first birthday with a bash, if I may say. We booked a function room at one of the hotels (owned by the family of my very close friend) in the city, invited family and friends and had a blast. Pictures of the party itself will be posted later. But here are the pictures of when we got home.

Dash had a blast by the way, at first he preferred being carried around while meeting and greeting his guests but when he finally got the hang of running around with the other kids, there was no way he was going to allow us to carry him. He did not sleep the whole afternoon nor did he drink his milk. Instead, he wanted to be a big boy by joining the bigger kids and chomping down buttered chicken and spaghetti.

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Going after his balloons at home.

Amidst all his gifts

Peek-a-booing

Same shirt design, different size.

His party was themed "Dash Incredible" and so the cupcake:

1 Year Ago....

My bag was packed. His bag was ready.Mittens, booties, layettes, baby blankets were all nicely folded in his cabinet. I sat down and talked to Josh. I told him that 'mommy and daddy were going to the hospital and tomorrow, he would come visit mommy and baby brother would be there waiting for him.' That thrilled Josh to the bones. We left Josh with our nanny and headed off to the hospital.

In the car, I suddenly missed my mom and dad so much. I remember how excited they were when I was about to deliver Josh.

We got to the hospital and checked in. My nurses told me that my OB and anesthesiologist would be dropping by soon to check on me. I was told to eat my dinner and not have anything else after 12MN as my operation would be at 7am the next day. I started to freak out.

My OB checked on me. Told me everything I needed to know and then the anes came. She was an old doctor who had a very domineering voice. This freaked me out all the more.

I could not sleep. I tried to by reminding myself that this would be my VERY last night of straight sleep in the next 4 years - but I couldn't.

I opened my eyes around 5AM the next day and took a long hot bath. I scrubbed every inch of my body with my favorite body bath. I shampooed and conditioned my hair. I got back into my hospital gown and decided to stress out some more. When I got out of the bathroom, hubby was frantically fixing the baby's clothes. I saw his mittens, booties, tie sides, pants and baby blanket being prepared. And then hubby left the room. After a quick 30 seconds, Jet came back for the diapers. And then he left the room again.

I was about to sit down when hubby burst into the room and said "Oh my God Lou, were going to have a baby." And I was like, "uh huh, I told you about this approximately 8 months ago after I saw the double lines on the pregnancy test."

Boys sure do take a longer time to catch up.

Around 6:00AM, the hospital transport staff came and told me I was ready to be wheeled to the delivery room. At this point, I started to bite on my nails. I was so nervous. This was the first time I was going to be operated on in a normal calm state. My first c-section was a blur to me. I was 40 weeks and 1 day, I was in labor for 14 hours, water bag broke 6 hours before and I was so drugged and groggy from all the pain killers that all I wanted at that point was for them to cut me up and get the baby out.

So yeah, I got on the stretcher - or whatever you call it- nervous as hell. They wheeled me down while hubby walked behind. The stretcher stopped in front of what seemed like the nurse's station, they verified my name, procedure to be done and what operating room I belonged to. Oh my goodness, at that point I was praying for killer contractions. Nada.

They wheeled me into thie very white, tiled room that smelled like antiseptic, nurses in their scrub suites and that very very large bright shiny metal light. They transferred me to the operating table and put my oxygen mask on. I wanted to die right there. They started hooking me on to many other things to monitor all sort of stuff. While waiting there, I was thinking of reasons to tell my OB to postpone the whole big event. I had it all laid out, I was going to tell her to postpone it since I wanted to wait for the contractions to set in until they became killer ones. Then I would rush to the hospital, never mind if there was no room available and go through and emergency c-section just like the good ol' times.

Then the anesthesiologist walked in. She started to brief me on the whole drug package she would be giving me, how she would be administering it and if I may add, assured me my memory would not be affected. And right before I was about to inform her that I was bailing out, my baby's pediatrician came in who happened to be my Mom's bestfriend since highschool and my pediatrician when I was a baby. She held my hand and asked me how I was doing. I could not control myself so I asked her if we could postpone the whole thing. Everyone in the delivery room stopped what they were doing. Looked and me. And stared. Oops. I guess not huh? So I decided to cry. Hah.

Then my OB came. She saw me and asked what was wrong. So I told her. Then she laughed. Then she calmly talked to me and told me everything would be OK. My OB is a very close family friend as well. She saw me through my miscarriage and my first full term deliver. We go to the same church as well. So she asked me if I wanted her to pray with me and I said yes. She asked the nurses to leave first. So we prayed together with the anes and the pedia. And then it was go time.

Still scared, the anes told me to go into fetal position. Then she started to feel certain portions of my spine, then I felt the prick. And then another and then another. Quickly after the 3rd and last prick the nurses quickly helped me get back into the flat lying position and put up my hospital gown just so that it was covering half of my upper body. I was so awake. But my legs were starting to feel heavy. The anes kept pricking me on my legs and then on my tummy and she kept asking me if I felt anything. Everytime she would ask me, I would say that I felt every single bit of it - because I didn't want the operation to start - even if I could not feel it anymore. I thought I was fooling them but I soon heard my OB saying something like "first layer" and then I asked the peed, who was still holding my hand what was happening and she told me to just relax.

While they were cutting me up - eight layers of my skin - the whole operating staff were calmly telling stories. Man, such composure! All this time I was looking at the big round shiny metal lights and could partially see my bloody tummy. And then I heard the nurses go "ahhh, how cute." Oh my gosh I knew he was almost out. Then my OB said "Lou I thought he was a smaller baby than Josh but he has a big head, hold on." And then I felt my body being shaken really really hard. I started to grunt - but no pain. Then my OB told me to breath through my mouth and that I would be feeling a bit of pressure. And then.......

Uuwaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Dayshaun Karl, born May 27, 2006 at 7:25 AM.

THE DAY Just Keeps Getting Closer And Closer

2 more days until I will officially be a mommy of a pre-schooler and a toddler. It's Dash's big O-N-E on Sunday. ANd yesterday, he had his very first haircut.

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Getting ready. He sat on his Daddy's lap and just kept staring the barber. We were so scared he would keep moving. I kept telling the barber to be careful with Dash's ears.

But he sat in peace.

And continued to wonder what was happening.

He stared at the barber some more.

And voila! No more baby hairdo!

This Thing Called Discipline

Now this parenting thing. I have noticed, lately, that my suspicion (that has been brewing in my head for the past 5 years) is actually true.
When Josh was younger, we never really had major behavior issues with him. But there would be times when I just wanted to explode whenever he would not listen to me (or pretend to not hear me) or disobey me and continue doing his thing i.e., climb on the sofa, run down the stairs, climb and jump off the night stand. And I noticed that when those things happened and I would reprimand him, he would not listen to me right away. It would have to take 4 or 5 times for me to tell him to "stop it right now" before he would actually stop. BUT when Jet would be the one, just hearing it once would make Josh stop.
And now with the little one who loves to climb and open everything 'glass" in the living room, I again am noticing this. I tell Dash "no" or "please stop, play with this instead" and it takes me 10-12 times for him to finally give it up. But when Jet says "Dash don't open that," Dash immediately stops. In fact, he can even stop midway into what he is about to do.
What is this about? Is it my voice? Ahem, softer, mellower and sweeter?
Jet and I share in the disciplining area of parenting. We talk about what the kids can and should not do and. We have agreed that "punishment" is done by making one "face the wall." We don't spank nor do we scream. And after facing the wall, we explain why we asked Josh (since Dash is still too small for this face the wall thing) to face the wall. With Dash, we explain to him why we don't allow him to do certain things.
Does this mean that I am not capable of being a disciplinarian? Why do they listen more to Jet? Should I be a bit more stern with them?

Like An Energizer Bunny, He Just Keeps Going And Going...And Going

In the kitchen...

Going after the ball in the living room

In the room...

And just when I thought he was sleepy and tired...

NOT!

Crossroads

I wasn't able to use the weekend to really reflect and sort out everything that has been going on in my life. But 3 days ago, while in a taxi on the way to the mall, I tried to sit there and stare blankly out the window. Apparently, that did not work. Instead, I found myself reflecting on the things that have been swarming my head and flooding my heart. And then I felt it. I realized that I am currently at a crossroad. That point in my life where I am once again faced with the question "Which road do I take?" and the answer "The road less travelled." I figured, we all experience this. Am I right? Well there may be some people who are able to figure out things real quick, who can decide on certain things and just know that they made the right decision or who are very sure about who they are. Well good for people like that. I just don't fall into that category. And with me being oh so emotional, I experience such crossroads in my life and it often takes me a while to finally decide on what to do.

That realization that I am at a crossroad did not answer any of my questions just yet. AT this point, I am still standing in front of 2 roads. Still trying to decide which road to take. But I am no longer afraid of what each road will bring. There will be bumps. There will be blind curves. There will be uphills and downhills. Flat surfaces and rough. I know I will travel that road not with complete ease, but I will travel it. If my driving skills won't ride me through, I can always walk.
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I got to talk with a close friend of mine and I shared with her my feelings about wanting another baby. She almost fell off her chair by the way. But she told me that I may be feeling this because my little one is transitioning into a toddler and so I may be panicking. To which I agreed - a bit. But she told me to really think it over and if in the end I still fell the same, then I should go for it! Now, about convincing hubby to allow me to stop the pill. Hmmm.

Another Serving, Perhaps?

I have been reading blogs (yeah what is new) of mommies and more mommies and have come across blogs of mommies with babies - some have just one, some have twins, some have triplets, some with special needs, some even have more than four. Now what is the relevance of this? Well...it is making me what another baby!
I know, I know.
First things first, I always wanted 4 kids. 4 because my OB told me that I should only go up to 4 c-sections. I can never deliver normal because of my CPD unless I have a very very small baby. Which I would never want to have just for the sake of delivering normally. Plus from my experience with my 2 babies, they have very large heads at birth. 4 kids because I do not want my kids to grow up in such a small family. As I was an only child which proved to be pretty lonely a lot of times - like when my dad died and then my mom died shortly after.
Aside from that, I would want to grow old knowing that I will have my children to look after me and my husband.
BUT a lot of things changed when I gave birth to my second baby. Harsh reality set in. A lot of people kept asking me whether I was still considering another one. And whenever I would say I would want another one, maybe 2 more in fact, they would always remind me about so many many things. Like - life is hard, will you be able to raise all four kids, 2 children is a handful already why add to the bunch and a whole lot of other unsolicited advise.
And then when I came back to work after my maternity leave, my boss informed me that my career was tentatively on hold because I was gone for 3 whole months and so it was like I was back to zero. After that, I felt terrible. I started to wonder why having a baby had to put everything on hold.
And then I came to point of starting to realize that indeed maybe 2 children was enough.
And so I talked to hubby about it. And I asked him whether he thought that our 2 boys meant we were done with kids. And he gave me a brilliant answer: Maybe. Perfect. And then he added by saying maybe we can have another after 8-10 years. And I was like, are ya kidding?
For beginners, I had a HARD time adjusting to the 4 1/2 year gap. Like I was all done with diapers and milk and then I had to make a u-turn and do it all over again. So I told myself that if I were to do it all over again, I would prefer to do it with little gaps in between. I know it will be hard - very hard- but in the long run it'll be easier.
Plus, think about the so many women out there who wish to have babies but can't. And here I am controlling myself. I have had a couple of blogging friends who have reminded me that putting food on the table does not seem like a problem my family and I will have to face. Now I am not rich but I am not poor. We are somewhere in between.
And OK, let me get completely honest. I would want to have a girl. I have mentioned this a million times. And if in the end, I end up having 4 boys, I will have no problem with that as well. I know I will love them with all my heart. After all little boys have amazed me and amused me, am pretty excited about having an additional 2 more to amaze and amuse me. But what if my 3rd or 4th ends up being a girl?
Now I am rambling. This is one thing I have been trying to avoid for so long. I have been pretending to tell myself that I am perfectly fine with just having 2 little squirts. But no. I want another one.
Should I now go and have another one then?
Your thoughts are very much welcomed but please be kind.

On Growing Up

While playing on the bed with the kids.

Me: Josh, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Josh: A teenager!

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Josh: Ma? So after I become a teenager, then I get married?
Me: Well no. (hell no! in my mind) A few years after your teen years then maybe you can start thinking about getting married.
Josh: Where will I live when I get married? Will I live in another house?
Me: Yes, of course.
Josh: Who will build my house?
Me: Well you're gonna have to pay for it and then the carpenters can build it for you.
Josh: What will the telephone number in my house be?
Me: We won't know until then.
Josh: Be sure to call me up OK?

Tangled Up

I wrote a post twice or thrice and deleted it twice or thrice - all on the same topic - and now, I have found myself writing about it again.
Ok, so lately I have been feeling weird. Weird not weird as in weird. But just weird. Weird because maybe I have been facing a whole lot of emotions which I have been trying to avoid. Like I just want to leave them floating around somewhere but each time I try to just leave them there, I can feel them lurking around. Watching and waiting for the perfect time to pounce on me and then WHAM! Meltdown.

I have been wondering if I am pushing myself too much. In terms of my career growth, that is. As I mentioned, I will be enrolling in grad school this semester. Why? Because I need it. I need to learn. I want to be more marketable in the future. I know I have to work hard for my children's future. Here in the Philippines, having health and life insurance IS a privilege. Not everybody has one. Here in the Philippines, not everyone has social security. Even if you are employed, some employers do not pay Social Security for their employees. Here in the Philippines, education is never free. In order to secure a good future for yourself, you have to make sure you get into the more prestigious universities in the country. Without that, you will have a very tough time looking for a job. So again, am I pushing myself too much? What about my dreams of becoming a homemaker? I will have to put that on hold. Working from the home is non existent here in the Philippines.

And then I have been lonely lately. The one thing I do not want to "die on me" is my marriage. But lately I have been yearning for something I cannot seem to find. IS it because we have been together for a long time? Is it because we are still young and probably trying to sort out our emotions, dreams and yearnings? Have we become all too familiar with each other? Will love ever be just enough? Is that all that we need to see us through forever?

And at the end of the day, the kids will grow up and have their own lives. In time they will leave. And then whose hand shall I hold when I reach my golden years?

I can go on and on. But I shall stop here.

This Warm Feeling

Lately I have been keeping mum on certain things I have been busying myself with. Why? Because I did not want to embarrass myself. Hah. I know. Anyway. 2 weeks ago, I finally completed my requirements needed for the Master's degree program I wanted to apply for - which is Masters in Management. I finished everything and then went to submit it. Luckily, upon submission, they gave me my exam schedule.
So....I was just too scared and nervous about taking the exam and was anticipating failing it! Aside from that, just thinking of the MATH part of the exam gives me the shivers. Uh huh, I am NOT good with numbers. I can write a 50 page essay or a 12 page book anytime, but compute? Are ya kidding?
ANYWAY, so yeah, I took the exam. I did not tell anyone - except for my hubby and best friend- that I was going to take the exam. So I went. I thought I was going to pass out, my hands were sweaty and my heart was pounding real fast. I found the first 2 parts of the exam - reasoning and comprehension - pretty easy and I found the numerical ability part: hellish.
SO....yesterday, I received a message requesting me to call the UP Institute of Management so that my interview for the grad school program could be scheduled. Again, I did not tell anyone except for hubby. I went after work and was again nervous but not so nervous. I enjoy interviews actually. In fact, I love interviews. Haha. OK, I love to talk. Yes I do.
When I got there, the director of the institute told me to sit down in the conference room while she went to get my application papers and test results. While sitting there, I wanted to pass out. So she came back in and sat down so she could run me through my test results. Cut the long story short, I did perfectly fine in the first 2 parts of the test but did miserably in the math portion. Told you so, am terrible with numbers. And so I so wanted to pass out again or just shrink or just morph into one of the plants in the conference room. BUT, she continued by saying that based on everything else - forget about the math part - I made it. Woohoo.
And so I left the Institute of Management and while waiting for hubby to pick me up, decided to walk around the campus. This is where my mom taught for 28 years and I graduated from the university as well. I saw a lot of familiar faces, ran into co-teachers of my mom. They greeted me and even stopped to chat with me to ask me how I was doing. You see, growing up, I never had a nanny. So wherever my mom would go, I would be with her. So I basically grew up in that school.
It felt good. I had this certain feeling of familiarity while walking around the campus. I felt warm inside and it just felt so right. It was a feeling I have been yearning for for a long time. A feeling I have been wanting to find since my Mom died. And just being there made me feel that everything was going to be alright.

There He Goes

Now the little one is starting to get the hang of walking around the house. Woohoo! This is one BIG milestone. He will be turning 1 in a few days - 12 days to be exact. Time flies real fast. I can't believe it. I just can't.

Happy Mother's Day Ma

As the day gets nearer, I think about Mom too often throughout the day. When she left, I learned one too many things. When she left, I remember too much.

I learned to eat in restaurants alone. Mom and I would ALWAYS try out new restaurants and pretend to be food critiques secretly tasting through the ingredients of sumptuous meals so that we could try cooking them at home. When I was pregnant and hubby was at work, I would crave. And so I would eat our favorite resto's alone. I would not look up, just concentrate on my meal and often wipe away my tears.
I learned to shop by myself. Mom would ALWAYS be my critique - "you look flabby in that" or "that would go well with your khaki slacks." When she left, I became my own critique, always bearing in mind what Mom would have said if she saw me in that outfit. I learned how to cook without consulting anyone. When she left, I depended on my own tongue's taste to assess whether it was too salty or too bland.

I remember when she would come home with a whole bunch of layettes, mittens and baby blankets. Too excited about her first grandson. She would ALWAYS have an excuse to go shopping for him. I remember how excited she was when we first started feeding Josh his solid foods. She always had the tendency to compare what I loved eating when I was a baby to what Josh loved. She enjoyed boiling his potatoes and carrots in chicken broth and mashing them together with soft rice. I remember how she would panic every time Josh would fall or bump his head - we would always end up in the ER - she would tell me never to take chances when it came to Josh. I remember how Josh would make her so crazy about him. I would come home from work and Mom would be there waiting for me ready to tell me too many stories about her apo (grandson). I remember how excited she was when I told her I took the pregnancy test and a double line appeared. She was so excited because she was going to be a grandma again.

I remember how excited she was when Jet and I moved into our own small house. She went on a shopping spree. Bought an iron, a microwave, a TV, new bedsheets and shower curtains.

I remember when right after I graduated, she would sit down with me and look through classified ads to look for job openings. I remember her sitting down with me to type out my resume and application letters.

I remember the strong front she put up when Dad left.

I remember how she protected me from her cancer. She did not tell me over the phone. She waited for me to go see her in the hospital. I remember the fear in her eyes when she told me she will have to undergo chemotherapy. I remember her face during her last month in the hospital. She looked too tired but she fought on. I remember her last week in the ICU. She was worried about leaving me behind.

I remember you Mom. I think about you everyday. I look for you everyday.
Happy Mother's Day.
I Love You.
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Mommy's out there, enjoy your day.
Mommy's with Mommy's out there, make you mom feel special. This is her day too.