Again and Again ----- Over and Over

So how do you deal with a routine to the point that it practically bores you to the grave? Yep, I am bored. A few people have reminded me that boring is in a way, good. It may mean that you are doing things the way they should be done. But it doesn't change the fact that I am bored. It's the same thing day in and day out be it at home or in the office.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just The Way I Like It

When I had my eldest 9 years ago, I could not imagine having mother baby. A first time mother at 19 did not appeal to me at all. It was difficult and confusing. I had no idea what I was doing. I was too scared to bathe the baby, I didn't know what to do when the baby would not want to stop crying, I would be way too panicky when the baby would catch a cold or would down with a fever. But, by God's grace, I survived. By the time he was 3, both my husband and I were already working and sort of picked up the hang of parenthood so I wanted another baby.

4 years after having my first baby, I gave birth to my second boy. Calmer the second time around, I felt that I sorta knew what to do to calm him down, I was excited more than worried when I gave him cereals for the first time. It became more exciting when my 2 boys slowly started to interact and play with each other. This was fun, I thought. People would ask me if I planned on having another one, a girl perhaps? And at the back of my mind, I kept thinking, am I done with having kids? Will I have one more? If I do, when? I had a feeling of being incomplete. That I wasn't done yet. But my prayer was, "Lord, if I am to have another baby, please give it to me before I turn 30." I just felt that I didn't want to go through pregnancy when I was older.

4 years before turning 30, I gave birth to my 3rd son. And since the day I gave birth to him, I have had gazillions of people asking me if we would still try for not just another one, but this time a girl in particular.

The answer is NO. For a person outside my situation, one would think yes why not, have another one. Have more in fact! But this time, I have found myself in perfect contentment. I have never felt this complete in my entire life. I really don't care if I have 3 sons. I love it in fact. I am the queen of the jungle.

I like it just the way it is. I couldn't ask for more.

Again, With Much Love.

Happy Mother's Day o all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

It's a thankless job. It's a tiring task. It's a heavy responsibility. 

It entails sleepless nights. It means hardwork. It means heartbreaks.

It brings us tears. It brings us so much joy. It fills our hearts with love.

It makes us proud. It reminds us of our worth. It brings a smile to our face.

Motherhood.

It can never be defined. It will never be defined. 

It is what it is. It will be known forever.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

Reminder

Pssst..Guess what? You wanna know something? I can't wait for my hands to be baby free.

There. I blurted it out. Am I being selfish? 

On most days, I wish I didn't have to be constantly chasing after a toddler who refuses to bathe or have to carry an 18lbs 2 year old - given that I am only 4'11, it is a constant struggle to be able to carry such a heavy sack of potatoes with ease and poise without my hair covering my face or trickle of sweat beads running down my temples. Or having to eat with a baby on my lap who is constantly also wanting to mess up the food on the plate. It is tiring. 

Someday, I will miss all of this. I may look back on all this and wish that I embraced this experience more. So i say to myself right now - be thankful, seize the moment.

Today (What a Boring Post Title! - Too Lazy to Think of a More Catchy One)

I wanted to post summer pictures of the kids since I haven't posted shots in a while but blogger seemed to think otherwise. It was taking forever to upload the photos and it's getting late (9:41pm at this moment) and I have to get up at 5:10am tomorrow to jog. Woot woot! Can't believe I have finally started the ball rolling! I have been telling myself to start exercising but never got to do it. Now that my youngest is 2, I am think it's about time to start losing the extra weight because the excuse "I'm fat because I just gave birth" is already unacceptable. Boo!

Today was a pretty productive day at work for me with a few instances where I almost (again) lost my patience. Ughh, I need to work on this. I am extremely impatient! Which I know is a no - no especially since I am an HR practitioner. Tomorrow I will lengthen my shoestrings, will count to 10 before reacting and will pray when I feel the want to snap.

I got to read articles of how Bin Laden was finally tracked down by the U.S. and I really do not know what to make of it. Many say they don't believe Bin Laden was actually hunted down and killed, some say it's possible. I can't exactly say where I stand but one thing I am sure of is, this world is not going to be a safer place to live in with what had just happened. It's a scary thought because i am sure in one way or another, there will be Bin Laden followers who will retaliate. The "number one enemy of the US" may be gone, but terrorism is still very, very much alive.

Can't believe I still have 2 more days of work. Torn between whether I want the week to go faster or for it to slow down. My boss is on leave because she was operated on and so far I have been liking it a lot. No, it's not because I can become a delinquent employee (Hah I wish), it's just that I feel like I am very well able to spread my wings without constraint and do what I have to do without the feeling that there are a pair of eyes staring down on me. I have nothing against my boss at all - maybe I just work better under circumstances like this.

So, how was your day?

The New Me -- Hopefully, That Is

They say, for women, 30 is the mid-life crisis of men when they're 40. True? I could never relate to that a few years ago. But with the inevitable fast approaching, I am beginning to realize it as a truth.

I find myself being more and more conscious about my skin - especially the skin on my face and the fine lines that are starting to become more and more evident! Lately, I have been spending on anti-aging skin care products and strictly making it my daily and nightly regimen. In the past, I would buy a bottle of moisturizer here and a tube of eye cream there and then would forget it on the shelf and only remember about it months or even years after.

I have been also very religious about taking my Vit C and Vit E tablets and other anti oxidant food supplements.

And for the first time in my 4 year stay with the company I work for, this is the only year I went for my annual physical check up. I have been more and more conscious about my health as well. Eating more vegetables and fruits and trying to cut down on junk food although I must admit that a good, fat, juicy burger will always be my weakness. This week, I also started to jog. Just a 20 minute jog from our house down to the satellite market and back. Running has been so the "in" things lately by the way, but I am in it to shed off the unwanted pounds!

And lastly, I am declaring my desire to quit smoking. Yes, there, I said it. For so long I have been mum about this yucky, icky addiction. I want to stop it. I hope I can kick the habit. SOON.

Looking Inside

Of the few things I am sure about, the fact that I am always unsure of myself is what I am sure of.

I wonder where this all began? I wonder if this can be reversed? 

Alone, thoughts of fear and uncertainty taunt me. In a crowded room, an insecure stance is what I carry. It's something I hate. It's a feeling I dislike very much. So on nights like this one, lights off, kids sleeping, I sit and wonder how I can become better. How can I learn to believe in my decisions, be confident with my actions.

Because of that, I feel like I am trying too hard most of the time - to please others but maybe more of to please myself. I am always overly concerned with what people around me think about me, what they think about the things I do or how I handle myself.

I need to believe in me. Although far from perfect, I know there are still things in me that make me a good person, a loving mother, a respectful wife. It's a difficult, awful feeling. 

Me. The Real Me.

Well, I guess the trick is to never stop because if you do, you won't know how to start. And when you finally get the courage to start, you end up feeling like never wanting to start again.

Blogging. That's what I'm talking about. 

Have one liner tweets or a few sentences as facebook statuses taken over our want to sit down, put our thoughts together and write paragraphs and paragraphs about our day, our feelings, our experiences, our troubles, our joys?

Maybe.

I deleted my facebook account a few months ago. While it has connected so many long lost friends, relatives or has become a way of people to get to know each other or for some, a selling place for shoes, clothes, gadgets, etc., I just couldn't take so much of the drama that would ensue in the lives of people I was in one way or another connected to. Not that I don't care, I just felt like there were some issues that need not be taken out of the closet and made fo everyone's consumption - but for some, they just felt the need to just let it all out. No offense meant, this was just a personal decision I made because I felt that it would do me better. 

ANYWAY. Where have I been? Goodness. 7 months has been way too long. I actually am starting to feel the groove again as I am writing this. 

Last year, my househelp of 6 years decided to leave. It was heartbreaking for me because I became so emotionally attached to her. It affected me and I had such a hard time looking for a replacement. In 12 months, I've had 9 helpers come and go. It is very frustrating when both my husband and I have to work and I have to think of where to leave my 3 kids while at work. But we've been managing with the help of relatives.

On the homefront, my kids have grown so big, so fast. The eldest turned 9 last February. The middle guy is turning 5 in May and will be in kindergarten. And the littlest one turned 2 last March and is expanding his vocabulary everyday. Married life hasn't been too easy -- which is probably why I also shied away from blogging for a while. I did come to realize that a big part of what I blogged about were the good times - the happy times where I talked about how awesome my kids were, the funny times where I wrote about the crazy happy times of life, the good times where I posted family pictures of all of us smiling. But I never wrote in depth about the pains, the hurts the heartbreaks. Maybe because I felt the need to project myself as the happy one with a happy family and happy kids and a happy home with a happy husband. Privacy, some may say. I will go slow. I do not know how far I can also bare myself but I have come to realize that writing is me. 

A week ago, I met up for lunch with my bestfriend from grade school. When I sat down, she handed me this really thick huge envelope. She told me to open it. I opened it and found hundreds of letters I had written to her starting when we were in 3rd grade all the way to when we were in highschool. I tried to read some although most I couldn't bring myself to continue reading as those letters were just full of myself and my crushes and the shallow things of life. She asked me if I remembered writing those letters. I sat back and looked back and it came to me - I didn't remember what all those letters were about, but I did remember the feeling I had every time I would write a letter. 

Writing was me. Writing is me. It make me who I am. It's my way of being me.

So, hello. It's nice to be back. 

It's nice to write again.

I want. I want

I need a change of perspective. I need to stop being a sponge - absorbing all the petty issues and concerns of this world. I want to laugh more. To love what life has to offer - happy or sad. To want to learn. I want to let go of all the pain, the bitterness, the hatred. I want to say I love my life. I want to look forward to the rising sun instead of the setting sun. I want to be awake instead of wanting to be asleep.

Reflections

What does one do when you reach your saturation level? I think a bulk of the problem we face now a days is we force ourselves to believe that we are capable of doing everything by ourselves. What ever happened to the saying that "no man is an island?" Why do we pretend to be superwoman and then later on fall flat on our faces, exhausted. Frustrated. Angry. 

My answer to that would be there is so much pressure around us. Perceived? Real? Maybe. Whichever. It is there.  It dictates upon us how we act, how we react, how we deal with things, how we accept or reject things. 

Often times, deep inside we are screaming for help. Without wanting to say anything - for whatever reason be it pride or fear, whatever - we decide to silently scream hoping that somebody would hear us. Ironic. We want to be heard but we refuse to be heard.

And we want to give our all, still. Maybe because we need to please. Or want. 

Bottom line is we must realize when enough is enough for us. When should we say no more. After all, whose life is it to be lived anyway? Assess our reasons and motives. Do not be selfish but do not be selfless. Live enough. Do enough. Too much of anything can never be good, after all. Moderation may be an appropriate word. Do because you want to but do the right thing. Bad will never be replaced with anything good.

In the end, it's a matter of finding oneself. Of realizing when you've done what you had to do and you should not do any more than what you cannot do. 

???

Where does one begin to pick up after being away for months? I may say that I have been trying to find myself and even after months of searching, it is safe to say that I haven't found myself yet. And I do wonder if I ever will.
Sometimes I yearn for silence, to just get away from the noisy world. But silence can sometimes be deafening. I wonder if involving myself in the chaos would bring some order and sense into my confusion. I wonder why I have to feel lost in the first place. There is a saying that sometimes we need to be lost in order to be found. Will I find myself? Or will somebody find me for me?
I'm yearning for peace within. For a sense of security.
It's difficult when you have more than just yourself to fend for. There are three other souls who are completely dependent on me. And even if I just want to scream my head off, bury my head in the sand, drink a potion that would make me invisible or just walk away, I can't.
So I sit here and write. My voice may never be heard. These words may never come across. But at least I am releasing a bit of the pressure before it bursts out of control.

A "How To" Of Some Sort

Looking for a job is something but actually getting THE job is an entirely different story. I have been an HR practitioner for the past 6 years and there are some things an applicant should and should NEVER do.

I have received CV's/ resumes with cover letters wrongly addressed. I understand that when one decides to go job hunting, he/she usually prepares probably more than 10 copies of their CV's so that they can float it to as many companies as they can. But please make sure that you get to properly address each cover letter properly! We are a bank and sometimes we get cover letters addressed to Hotels / Restaurants, etc. Goes to show that the person isn't detail oriented. Tsk,tsk.

My pet peeve would have to be applicants who I call up to schedule for an interview / take the exams sound uninterested, sleep (!) or annoyed. Once you submit your CV, I would want to assume that you really are interested in getting a job, so once you get a call and hear that it is from a potential employer, I think the least that one can do is to be accommodating. If for any reason, by the time you get that call and you are no longer interested, being polite is the least that you can do.

It is equally important to listen to instructions as well when you are invited for an interview. Certain companies are strict about the time or date or the necessary documents you need to bring. So when you arrive 15 minutes late, dear, you will definitely get a D- for punctuality especially for bigger companies where time is an essential factor because of the volume of applicants. There is a reason why there is a schedule given.

When you get to the interview, a good conversationalist will never fail to impress. NEVER. Giving one word answers like yes or no or maybe is a HUGE turn off. Worst, if you just nod or shake your head.

Come prepared.Before you even go for an interview, do a little research about the company you are applying for a job at. Being able to share what you know about the company is a sure sign that you really prepared for the interview and are interested in landing that job with the company.

Know what you are applying for. You can't go for an interview and just say that you are applying for whatever position is available. One's sensibility is highly reflected here. Your degree finished plus past work experience (if any) must match the position you are applying for.

Never say you want this job because you need the job. Who doesn't need a job? Focus on your goals and targets in life. Share your dreams and aspirations and how this job can help you attain them.

And lastly, smile,relax and be yourself.

Of Hope

Next month, we will be having our national and local elections. We will be voting for a new President, a new V.President, 12 new Senators and new Mayors, V.Mayors and Councilors at the city level.

I do have a soft spot for this because my Dad ran twice for Councilor in our city but lost twice. I never questioned his intentions more so his heart. We just couldn't stomach having to use money and coercion for him to make it to the city council.

In the years that have passed, I do wonder if there is any sense in even voting. I know my voting for the people who I believe are clean and of integrity will be put to a waste.

And the bigger question is, is there hope for my country?

When we went to the US embassy for the interview of my kids for the application of their US tourist visa, I couldn't help but pity the Filipino people. The embassy was swarming with Filipinos-- most dressed in their best 'dressed to impress clothes," in the hope of being granted a visa by the US embassy. I doubt if our embassies in other countries are even visited by a third of the number people present at the US embassy. The sad part is, we really cannot deny the fact that there still are a number of people who take advantage of whatever is granted to them and then further destroy the name of the Filipinos. But on the other hand, when desperation calls, one may really choose to live on the edge and risk whatever he or she has left just to have a better life.

How sad it is to know that we cannot find enough security in our own homeland to say that we are more than content and thankful for what our country has to offer us. I too have my bigger dreams but I still wonder sometimes what is more important - patriotism or the future of my children? It is very frustrating to have to feel desperate every once in a while knowing that my children deserve so much more than what their reality here in our country can only offer. I'd rather not want to have to contemplate on issues like these, but I must release my own selfish motives and face the inevitable.

Is there still hope? I hope.

6 Years Ago, Dad

Today would have been the 29th wedding anniversary of my Dad and Ma.
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6 years ago on this day, Dad was fighting for his life in the ICU. But he held on because it was their 23rd wedding anniversary with Ma.
The next day, he let go.
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There was no question that he would be buried in the suit he wore on April 6, 1981 when he married Mama.
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He waited for Mama for 18 months. And then she decided to follow him.
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Happy 29 years Dad and Ma.
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It's been 6 years since you left Dad. You are my hero. I miss you everyday. I Love You.
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You and Ma are happy where you are right now.
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There are still so many things I do not understand. I need to release the bitterness in my heart. It worsens when loneliness catches up.
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I Love You Dad.

The Baby That He Should Be

My almost 13 month old refuses to walk. Refuses. He prefers to crawl or be carried. When we position him for walking while still holding him under his armpits, he automatically lifts his feet. He doesn't want to walk. He will climb and pull himself up but walk? No way. He'd rather be carried. Al 12 kilos of him stuck to my hip.

He did take his first 4 steps 5 days ago and I was so ecstatic that I posted it on facebook. Apparently, I never learn my lesson. Of course, by announcing it to the whole world, I jinxed myself! And since then, he has refused to walk again. He even hates it when I put on his shoes! I hope by my announcing his not wanting to walk, I will jinx myself by allowing the exact opposite to happen. Hah crossing my fingers. 

My eldest walked a little before he turned 11 months. My second walked a week before he turned a year old. But this youngest one is probably soaking up in all his babyness.

In the meantime...

Happy Easter

I feel that I haven't been thankful enough for the so many blessings I have been showered with. As we remember the risen Christ, I want to thank Him for all He has done in my life.

I am thankful for my faith. My Lord, my God.

I am thankful for my husband.

I am thankful for Josh, Dash and Arrow.

I am thankful for my family.

I am thankful for my work.

I am thankful for the home I live in.

I am thankful for the food we eat.

I am thankful for my wonderful friends.

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful for my househelps who love my children.

I am thankful for weekends.

I am thankful for the small treats in life - like ice cream on a warm day or hot choco on a cold, rainy day.

I am thankful.

Christ has risen.Happy Easter everyone!

What are you thankful for?

Snow For the First Time!

My kids meeting snow for the very, very first time. Possibly their last.

It is amazing how we people from the tropics dream of touching, seeing snow in the flesh. If for some, they despise snow, my kids loved every single minute of their time with it. Although I have seen the States, I have never seen snow. 

What a wonderful experience for them.

Proud Momma THat I Am

Every mother dreams big for her kids. When they are still babies, you imagine so much for them - from graduating as engineers or successfully practicing med or building their business empires. You can't help but want them to do good in life. To make them find their niche in this world and do good in the craft the have decided to focus on.

As they grow up, grow past diapers and bottles, you slowly learn to recognize who they are. Their temperaments, their likes & dislikes, their dispositions allow us to dream even bigger than ever. As they enter school, so many external factors further contribute to their character. You begin to realize that there are so many things you wish you could control but cannot. Slowly, they minds and their hearts are shaped not only by what they learn at home but more so by what they absorb during their 6 hour stay in school with the interaction of 20 other 8 year olds and their teacher. It is a mix of beliefs, stories and experiences. Some of which I would warmly allow my son to embrace, some I would rather make him close his ears to. 

As his first year in grade school came to a close, I was more than proud when Josh was awarded the "Most Cooperative" character award. More than just the academics, the Christian school where he is enrolled at, awards such character awards to students who they truly believe posses such character through out the whole school year. Each teacher is allowed to nominate students for these character awards which also include such awards as "Most Friendly," "Most Submissive," "Most Helpful," etc. and once the name of the student is included in the list, the list is passed around and every teacher and every staff of the whole school shall take part in the elimination and voting of who should be given the award. 

Holding back my tears, I told myself-- no matter how messed up I have been, how young I was when I had him, how confused and broken I have been, at least I know his Dad and I are still doing something right.

I Love You Josh.

On Them Being Away

Glad to know I didn't lose any friends by not blogging for ages. Gosh, 4 months does seem like ages.

So it's only been a week since my 8 year old and almost 4 year old flew off for a 5 week vacation. When I was told that they were going with my Aunt to visit my cousin in Portland, I was initially very, very excited. Why wouldn't I be? It's an experience I cannot afford to offer them at this point and traveling is always a very, very rich learning experience regardless of the destination. As the days crept by to the day of their departure, I suddenly felt very uneasy and queasy about the thought of them being gone for so long. I was definitely not questioning the ability of my aunt or my cousins baby sitting skills because I knew that my kids would be very well taken cared of. It was just the letting them go part that wanted to make me puke!

I seriously thought I would enjoy the time to relax a bit and not have to chase after 3 monkeys. But no, I want to chase three monkeys after all.

So anyway, the week has dragged by. I can't wait for April 26. In the meantime, I get to baby my 12 month old baby and pour all my attention on him. I busy myself at work as well so as not to keep imagining a 1001 scenarios of my kids getting into trouble who happen to be thousands of miles away from me.

Whew!

I am in disbelief!

It has been more than 4 months since my last post. Where have I been? What have I been doing? I guess I went to look for myself. As a lot of other bloggers have said, we do at one point in our blogging life lose the zest to type away. I thought it would be for good. I wasn't sure whether to delete my blog completely or to make it private or to just leave it alone forever, for good. Tonight, I just suddenly had the urge to open it and write.

I'm glad I did. No regrets. I hope I didn't lose any friends in my quest for finding myself. Hopefully, I will gain more.

I am feeling very, very blue right now. I brought my 2 kids - Josh and Dash to the airport early this morning as they flew off for a 5 week vacation to Portland. My aunt took them with her. More on that in a bit.