A Very Sweet Conversation (Sarcastic, Not!)

Josh: Mom, why are you always on a diet?

Me: Because you said I was fat.

Josh: No I didn't.

Lou: Yes you did.

Josh: Oh yeah, because when you walk, your legs always jiggle.

Dash: And Mommy's tummy looks old!

--

Thank you my boys. You are such dahlings. 

Get Lost.

You came into his life - my Dad's. You made him believe he would feel better, that he would forget his problems, that his pain would lessen. And for a time, I think he actually believed you. But you broke my Mom's heart. You made it difficult for her but she stuck through it. She tried so hard to make you leave but you wouldn't. My Dad got so addicted to you. I saw how you destroyed my Dad. He was so full of talent, of passion for what he loved doing but you came into his life and distracted him. You hurt him. I got angry at you. I despised you. My Mom and I despised you. And the worse thing? You took my Dad away. You burned his liver. You made him suffer. 

I saw how it almost destroyed my Mom and Dad's marriage. So many times I found myself crying. You always distorted my Dad's perception of things. People disliked him when he drank you - even his own family. You took him away. You did him no good. You killed him.

Before it does the same to the family I have right now, stop. I don't want to be rude. So before I slam the door in your face, please leave.

NOW.

One Gentle Soul

He's my Dad's dog. CB, short for Charlie Brown came to us over 13 years ago. A month before we got CB, we had a black cocker-terrier named Bozzy. Bozzy was a naughty, naughty dog who became such a huge part of our family that when he was ran over, we grieved and mourned his death. My Dad, Mom and I thought that the best way to help ourselves move on would be to get a new dog.

CB was very different from Bozzy. He was gentle and mellow although he was a barker. On the day my Dad died in 2004, it was as if CB knew. He never yapped as much since then.

I am very scared about facing the day when CB will go to dog heaven. Given that he is 13 years old - human years, he is pretty old in dog years. I don't think I will ever want to get another dog after CB for fear of getting too attached again.

We all love CB.

Unplugged II

Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.

As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.

Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.

Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?

I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.

For Today

Today I don't really know what to say. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Last night's thinking and pondering left me so exhausted. My heart was beating so fast all through the night that it woke me up more than just a couple of times. I've never been able to just "let things be." I don't know if that's good or bad. 

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. 

Going back, today I found myself just thinking and thinking. And thinking and thinking. I kept praying and have been praying. I know I need to trust God on this even if right at this moment I am finding it hard to believe in what I am saying and in what I want to believe in. God is in control and I know He will never let me go. 

Tomorrow, I wonder. I hope. I trust. I'm still thinking and tomorrow, I'll probably still be thinking. 

Me. The Real Me. Just Me.

For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.

More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.

That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.

I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.

I'm scared. What will tomorrow be? I'm afraid.

I've always been.

They Say Their From Mars

So my husband volunteered to do the grocery and I was more than pleased when he did offer so I made him a list. Then I received a text message: Babe, what kind of flour? Cornstarch? Baking soda.

Really.

I wanted to be my sarcastic self but the guy was doing me a favor. So I said, "Flour babe. Not cornstarch. Not baking soda. Flour.

He picked me up after work. When we got home, I took a look at the goods he bought.

"No flour?" I asked

"When I asked the lady where the flour was, she showed me the shelf. All I saw was white."

Majorly rolling my eyes.

"Why did you get this?" I said while holding up the margarine.

"You wrote down butter" He answered.

"Yeah I said butter. Not margarine. This is margarine."

"Looked like butter to me."

MEN. Don't we just love 'em?

On Work

I just read a post written by Alicia. It seems like in the 3 years that I have been blogging, I have never really talked about my job. Funny. Funny because it has been such a huge part of my life since I started working 5 years ago.

I started working when I was a senior in college. It was a part time job as an English tutor. I wanted to work because I wanted to earn a little bit more to help buy my son's milk and diapers. I was still depending on allowance from my Mom and my then boyfriend was also still studying.

Right after graduation, I took a 'break' for 2 months before landing myself a "real" job. I got a job as a human resource assistant at a call center. I met a lot of people and dedicated a lot of my time to my job. Too much time that I prioritized it over my husband and my child. I just wanted to be a go getter and reach the top right away. I was young and thought that my career was all that made me happy. My being too idealistic would always test my emotions as I always got frustrated when things wouldn't go my way. After 3 1/2 years, I got a call from a bank who was inviting me to join their human resources department as a recruitment and placement officer. I decided to move out of the call center and join the bank.

A few days ago, I 'celebrated' my 2nd year with the bank.

Basically, we recruit employees. We cover the northern region of our country, encompassing 10 provinces. Aside from that, we cater to the needs of our internal customers- our employees- when it comes to their needs like updating of records, processing of benefits, etc. It's a job I have always wanted to have since I took up Human Resource Development as an elective when I was a psychology major in college. I couldn't ask for more. Up to a certain point, it gives me a certain level of satisfaction, the pay is not all that but it does pay enough for the needs and the little wants of our family and I like the people I work with.

But it had to take me pails of tears, numerous heartbreaking moments and a thousand rolls of tissue for me to realize that it's not all that. I am thankful for my job but I am more thankful for the realization that nothing should come first before God, my husband and my children. 5 years ago, I made my work my life. I wouldn't care if my kid would be left at home even on Sundays because I had to do overtime or even my husband would be pissed that I had to stay in the office till late. What I wanted was to be on top of my game at work. I wanted to please my boss. I had to make an awesome impression. I wanted that promotion so bad. And I never got any of what I wanted.

Today, I enjoy what I do. There are days when I look forward to going to work but there are days when I would just rather be at home. But I am reminded that I am blessed with a job so I might as well do the best that I can in what I am doing. But I know in my heart that God, Jet, Josh, Dash and Arrow come first. So without hesitation, I say no to my boss when I know my husband or children need me. They do not need to tell me they need me, I just know when they do.

I often dream of being a stay at home mom. If only our country had more opportunities for mothers to work from the home. Or if I had more capital to set up a stable business. But for now, I will be thankful for what I have.

Needing Your Advice

This is the longest that I have breastfed and I am loving it. The problem is, I think my milk is not enough. During the day, my baby drinks formula but once I get home I nurse him. The reason why I am saying that I feel that my milk isn't enough is because he nurses almost every 2 hours through the night. Although he doesn't really wake up, he becomes restless and automatically latches on once the 'food' is offered to him. I don't want to stop breastfeeding and what I want to know now is how to increase my milk supply. I have been taking supplements, drinking a lot of water and soup but it still isn't enough.

Help?

BOO!!

No candy for the little one...So he got an apple
Deciding on which candy to eat first...strictly 1 candy/day
He picked his candy for the day-- NERDS



Halloween isn't such a big thing in our country yet. So this is as far as they got to getting treats.

Chomp Chomp Chomp

There's something about socks that spells Y-U-M-M-Y! for babies...

Arrow at 7 months

Dash when he was 7 months

On Being Boys

Their gonna bump their heads. scratch their knees of bruise their arms. So you just gotta take the necessary precautions.

Dictionary, Please

My 3 year olds vocabulary has been expanding so fast:

1. Babarque - May be pork, chicken or beef

2. Bentist - doctor who cures toothaches

3. Evelation - Evolution (referring to the Lancer Evolution car he saw)

4. Pockcorn - you eat this at the movies

5. Coco Cola - direct competitor of Pepsi

6. Stam Up - And the sit down

7. Pangcake - You eat this with maple syrup, egss and bacon. Yum!

8. Scratch Tape - Use it when you want to tape 2 things together

Elitist?

People often judge me as a snob- or a person not easily approachable. I do agree to a certain level. I have encountered so many people telling me, "The first time I met you, I thought you would be hard to get along with but after getting to know you, I think you're really a nice person." I am not trying to flatter myself, please. But really, I do get those comments ALWAYS.

As I have grown older, I've realized that maybe that's my "wall," the front I put up because I am a shy person, really. Sometimes insecure and lacking in confidence when placed in a huge group of people. When I am unsure of the crown you put me in, I have the tendency to withdraw and wait for people to approach me. If no one approaches me - because of their perception of me-- that of being a snob, then I don't make the first move.

I have also always preferred to limit the people I choose to bare my soul to. In the office, I am comfortable with 3 or 4 of my officemates - people whom I can easily talk with, laugh with, express my rants to. As for the others, a polite smile and a nod every once in a while is enough. I have a circle of friends and the number of real, real, real friends I have can be counted on one hand. I have also figured that it's a choice I have made. I may have acquaintances, but I chose to maintain the relationship on that level.

I admire people who have a lot of friends, who are able to easily mingle with people they've met for the first time. I can't help but be amazed by people who can converse and build rapport with complete strangers.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's good or bad. I ask myself if it will affect my survival skills.

Missing You Ma

I woke up to the sound of the rain. Storm's probably coming. The sun wasn't up yet. I took a look at my 7 month old who had been awake for some time already.
-
4 years ago, I got a call. A call nobody would have wanted to ever receive. "She had a cardiac arrest. But they were able to revive her" said my Aunt. As I look back, at that point, I think I thought I was ready and prepared. "Make sure you sign the do no resuscitate form tita (aunt)" I said. I woke up my husband and told him we had to leave for Manila.

I don't really remember the 5 hour trip down to Manila. Along the express way, we stopped to gas up. As we were pulling out of the gas station, my phone rang. "Lou, your Mama went to heaven na" said my Aunt. I also don't remember what I said. I remember I started texting all my friends and my Mom's friends telling them Ma had gone. I got a couple of calls. I remember getting one from a very close family friend and church mate and since it was a Sunday, she passed the phone to our other church mates. I got a call from my boss. And then from my then best friend.

Upon reaching the hospital, we went straight to the ICU but by then, they had brought her to the morgue already. I don't know why I didn't break down. We went to the morgue and they asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. My husband did. He came out and told me she was cold already. We started making arrangements about bringing her to the funeral parlor.
-
I think I may have been trying to deny so many feeling for the past 4 years. But today I come face to face with them. I regret a lot of things. I wish I had resigned and taken care of her instead. I wish I stayed with her. I wish I told her it wasn't ok with me for her to live. I wish I were there when she went into a cardiac arrest. I wish I took a look at her at the morgue. I wish I didn't pretend to be strong.

Today more than anything, I wish she were still alive.
-
I miss you Mom, so so so so much. I thought it would get better as the years went by. I really miss you Ma. I love you. Happy 4 years in heaven.

Conscious Me. Like Really.

There this certain thing I have been going through lately. Maybe it's because I can feel that I'm not getting any younger? Lately, I have been so conscious about wanting to feel and look younger than I really am. I did feel these feelings every once in a while in the past but this year - especially after I gave birth- has been way more different.

For example, my hairdo counts a lot. If in the past I didn't really care about how it made me look, for as long as it was stylish and a 'wash'n wear' do, I would be perfectly fine with it. But now? I want it to make me look younger. Aside from that, I try to be careful about the clothes I wear. Not that I wear clothes that would make me look like I were in highschool, but I am careful to choose cuts and styles that would complement my over all look. And lastly, I have started investing in anti aging skin products. Suddenly, the fine lines around my eye area matter so much!

Some say women start feeling this when they reach 30. True or false? I have a few years before I reach the BIG 3-0. While men undergo this stage when they reach 40. Fact or myth?

I can't help but laugh at this thing I'm going through. With 3 kids, I am extremely conscious about wanting to look and feel good. Suddenly it is such a HUGE deal for me. I have been more conscious about the food I eat, the number of hours of sleep I get.

So who shares the same sentiments? Please raise your hands.

For Today

I wonder what today will bring. It's shining outside but the wind is chilly. Classes have been suspended in the preschool level. There's another super typhoon that's going to hit our country in a day or two. They say it will be as strong as the past 2 typhoons which brought so much destruction to our country. I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

It's 7:45 in the morning and I can't believe I have the time to blog. How is this happening? My 7 month old baby is on antibiotics to cure his upper respiratory tract infection. He was up most of the night because he was feeling very uneasy- so was I. I wonder when he will get well.

I wonder what today will be like in the office? Yesterday, my boss was absent but I still felt like I ad such a long day yesterday. I wonder when my workdays will feel light and easy and fun.

I wonder how Jet and I will be today. Yesterday we got into an argument- more than once actually. I wish our disagreements would stop. It's tiring and a waste of time.

Today, I wonder.

There Are No Answers

And I don't know why I always keep forgetting that life is a continuous journey, a never ending learning process where sometimes, we have to get hit real hard to finally learn our lessons. I may have forgotten that everyday, we learn new things. I've discovered that I haven't really defined who I am. I often still catch myself torn between opinions. Sometimes scared or unsure to voice out what I really feel or believe in for fear that people would judge me.

I've discovered that my emotions play a major, major role in my life. Sometimes, I feel extremely needy and lonely that when someone offers to do something nice for me or offer me help, I get extremely "high" and feel like never wanting that feeling of feeling special to ever go away. To the point where I dread that " special" moment to end.

I think a lot. I talk to myself a lot - silently in my head. I contemplate about a lot of things.

I wonder why people can be so selfish. I wonder why people can be so insensitive.

I've been going through this phase where I want to relive some parts of my life of before. Particularly times when my Mom and Dad were alive. I don't know how I survived those years when I lost them. I can't say things have gotten better- or worse. There's still that yearning, you know? And no matter what anybody says or does, no one will ever be able to love me the way they loved me. And the thing that slaps me in the face right now is that I can't seem to stop yearning for that same old feeling. It stabs me. It pains me.

On some days, I try to be jolly and bubbly. I fear people may already think I'm a weirdo. But what the heck, there are more weirdos out there. I don't know how to deal with certain things sometimes. I've cut down on crying. I don't like talking about it that much to anyone because I feel it's tiring to listen to.

So that's why maybe I write sometimes. Yes, that's why I write. In the middle of my journaling my everyday life with my kids, I sometimes find myself carving a space in this blog of mine to release my truth, my reality. One things that I know for sure is that I can't escape reality. I may try to ignore it, even pretend not to see it but it catches up with me and screams at me.


One thing I know is that I haven't lost the faith. When I'm on the brink of hopelessness, I am reminded. And then I pray.

When things start making sense, chaos sets in. Then I ask myself what all this is about. Then again, I tell myself not to expect any answers. I shake my head and roll my eyes.

Life.

Party!

All the loot we got!

Candy!

The littlest one is the celebrant

It was a birthday party my very close friend Debbie planned for her son Ichigo months before but because of the weather, a lot of those plans had to change. Nonetheless, we brought the kids to party and they had a blast. Most of our friends were unable to attend so most of the guests were the friends of Debbie's Mom and they brought along their grandchildren.

Seriously, the grannies had a blast spoiling their grandkids rotten. They ate cake and lots of candies and some were even allowed to drink soda! They were sort of laughing at my kids because I had to take charge and control their sugar intake. They were all telling me that if my Mom were alive and had the chance to be with my kids, she'd do the exact same thing. And knowing my Mom, she would really do that. 

Dash was and has always been intrigued by Ichigo and even asked "Can Ichigo also be my brother? So I'll have 2 Arrows. Please Moms?"

I was also just really happy to get together with Debbie. Decent adult conversations with my girlfriends can be very, very therapeutic especially if you live in a house full of testosterone infested creatures all under 4 feet- oh yeah and a five foot nine male creature who refuses to understand stiletto's and beautiful handbags.

Chill

He's the most laid back kid I have ever had. He doesn't really have a schedule. He eats when he wants to, sleeps when he wants to and plays when he wants to. Not that he is an unpredictable kid, it's just that, of my 3 children, he's the least who has had to submit to my rigidity. Because I am such an OC mother, I have learned to sit back and just let it flow-- and I am very proud of that. If today doesn't turn out as good as yesterday, I don't try to re-run all the events of yesterday and try to reconstruct what I did today to pin point what I did wrong.

Smile kid.

I Love Yah!