What i'm thinking

Slept in today and just really felt the urge to sleep past my usual 5am waking time.Ran 17kms the other day and 16kms yesterday. This running thing has really bit me. I am joining my first half marathon in a month and must train seriously mainyl because i need to beat the cut off time of 2hours and 30mins. This worries me-a lot- because i have done 2 16k races and finished at 2:10 and 2:08. I doubt i will be able to cover the last 5k in 20mins.
So thankful for the long weekend. It truly has been a time of refreshing. god is good!

And just like that..

A whole year has gone by and so many significant things have happened. I do wonder what made me open my blog after this long. Although i did realoze that Facebook is such an inappropriate venue to rant, express oneself thoroughly,etc.
Ladeedahdeedah.This feels rather funny.i dont know where to start!
For starters,the kids have grown,we've moved church and have grown in our faith and the husband and i have started running- a lot.
There,i think i  ready to start over.

Low

I have had 10 helpers in 18 months and I don't think that it is doing me or my kids any good. It has traumatized me and my children but I have no choice but to keep getting helpers because I do not have anyone who can take care of my children permanently while I am at work. It is very stressful because it drives me to the point where sometimes anger wells up in me asking why I can't have my Mom or Dad anymore.
I think that I have been trying to deny my feelings of late to pretend that I am ok. I miss my Mom terribly. Even if it has been 6 years, I can't say that the intensity of the feelings have improved in any way. Circumstances like these even make it worse and harder for me to try to move on from the feelings of grief. I don't like it because it hampers my everyday outlook on life. It brings about feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I find myself thinking of "if only" thoughts all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for them because they don't have anyone permanent in their life - except for me and their Dad of course but seeing a new face every other month just makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them that no one ever stays for good to look after them while both the husband and I are at work. I feel the saddest for my youngest because he has been under the watch of too many caregivers and he is only 2 and a half years old. My eldest grew up with my parents around, my second had a nanny who stayed around until he was 4 years old.
I'm feeling really low right now.

Sugar High

Trick or Treat!!!

My 5 Year Old

Me: Baby, come here pls. Baby! come here, baby.
(calling my 5 year old)

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms!

Me: Well, you are my baby. Come here baby.

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms! I'm a lad.

Me: What?! Lad?! Do you know what a lad is?

Dash: Yes. A small boy.

Me: Uhh ok. Come here then, lad.

Dash: Coming lass!

Me: (Thinking, seriously?!?)

Me: Lass? Am I a lass?

Dash: Yes, you're a small girl.

Me: Small girl? I'm a small girl?

Dash: Yes, you're much smaller than Dad.

Thanks kid. I mean, thanks lad.

Really.

Part Time writing

I have been wanting to write articles as a part time job, does anyone have any idea how to get started? I tried searching for writing opportunities through craigslist.com and saw a few postings where I could possibly apply. So I sent an email to the indicated links but have not heard from them. I wonder if this means I am not qualified? I also sent my resume to another email ad. I was asked how much my rate is and when I did reply, they never got back to me.
Any more ideas, anyone? Need to earn extra income.

Nipping It At The Bud

I went to see a child therapist today. It all started with my desire to have my kids assessed in terms of their intellectual and cognitive skills mainly for my 5 year old because at 5 years old and in his last year of pre school, his teachers say that he is ready for 1st grade. In our country, one must be at least 6 1/2 years old when the child enters 1st grade. Dash turns 6 in May and if we do decide to put him in 1st grade by June of next year, will only be 6 and a few days old when he starts grade school. My questions are, is he really ready - intellectually and emotionally?
Since I have a friend who is a child therapist and works at a center for childrens needs, I asked her opinion and she was very supportive and thought it would be a good idea for me to have the boys assessed. In the first place, they do not allow mere assessment (testing). The kids will also have to go through play sessions to evoke a more wholistic picture of the child to the therapist.
As the session went on, I talked about my 3 boys giving detailed descriptions of each of them. As the session went on, the therapists perception of the picture I painted in her mind was that Josh, my eldest, is the one who needs the assessment the most.
Josh is a boy who has seen a lot. He was born to me when I was a teenager and when I had him, I didn't exactly mature overnight. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother back then. I was torn between the fact that I needed to be a mother but I also still wanted to do things that teenagers did. When Josh was only 2, he witnessed 3 deaths in the family - my mom, my dad and my husbands dad - all of whom were very close to him. After my parents death, times were tough. I was also 6weeks pregnant with my second My husband was also having a hard time coping with his dads death. I often turned to Josh and poured out my heart to my then 3 year old son. I remember he would sit beside me and listen to me cry while stroking my hair. After that, things happened so fast, I had my 2nd child and then my 3rd. Josh was in a way, required to grow up too soon.
Toady, I have a very kind 9 year old but often times I notice that he worries too much and can get anxious easily especially when he finds himself in uncertain situations. He sometimes lacks confidence in the things he does as he is often overshadowed by the assertiveness of Dash.
This is all preemptive I think. Plus I would also want to hear it from someone else -- whatever there is to be said. So we start in 2 weeks - meaning Josh will be going for his first session with the therapist.
We'll see where this will take us. Somewhere, I know.

Getting Started. Back to Business.

With the husband away for the past 3 weeks for training with his new job (yey! more on that later), we were able to spend 5 days together for a short vacation. He noticed how whiny and (possibly) bratty our 2 year old was everytime he was around me. It irritated the heck out of Jet everytime Arrow would want to get what he wants and it irritated him more when I would (in Jet's opinion) give in to Arrows wants.
It did irk me though when Jet would always, always try to drive home his opinion that, "Arrow has me tied around his finger." Point taken, whining is extremely annoying and can drain the strength out of me or anyone for that matter. Many times I would also want to snap at Arrow but there was one thing that always held me back.
With my eldest, he was surrounded by grandparents (both my parents and my husbands dad) who made him his world. I was 19 and still a student when I had my eldest and so my parents and my father in law gave us so much support when it came to raising Josh. This even meant my son preferring to sleep with my Mom over sleeping beside me. He was extremely loved.
My 2nd son, Dash grew up with Reyma, his nanny who loved him very much. She practically raised him since birth up until he was 4 years old. I returned back to work when Dash was only 8 weeks old and I would leave him most of the day with the nanny. Dash loved her very much also and he found comfort in her.
With my youngest, all he has is me - which is how things should really actually be. And maybe, for whatever reason, I want to be a better mother this time and be who I wasn't able to be to my 2 sons when they were also Arrow's age. Arrow no longer has his Lola or Lolo or Grampa or Reyma to run to but he has me and I want to him to always feel that until he is much older. Maybe I am filled with guilt which is why I am trying to make up for all of those feelings now. Maybe. I am still trying to sort through my feelings about this. Bottom line is, I just want Arrow to know that no matter what, there will be someone who will forever defend him, understand him and most of all, love him unconditionally.

OMG. It's September already.

I'm back. I hope. I can't believe where the whole of August went. The "ber" months are here and soon Christmas will be just around the corner. Last weekend a typhoon passed out city leaving so much damage and the rains had been pouring since then. The sun only decided to come out today.

Many things have been happening. For one, the husband has been applying for a job and we are praying that he does get this one he has been called back for for a final interview. I am the more anxious one I think. Three kids is a lot of financial responsibility. And deny it or not, one working parents salary will never be enough.

Anyway, everything else has been the same old. With the 2 older kids going to school and the littlelest one growing to be a fine young little boy.

How have you been?

My Growing Boy

He has one heck of an appetite. This 9 year old of mine can't get enough of anything!! He munched down a Bully Boy Burger - three beef patties in between 2 burger buns.

The New Pet

The kids have a pet. Note how I am trying my best not to include myself in the ownership of the new pet. It's a dog. The cousin of my Aunt gave it to her and since we have a very domineering grown dog owned by my Aunts who live downstairs, my Aunt decided that it would be best if the puppy stayed upstairs with us since we have a gate that will separate it from the big domineering dog named Bugs.

(Don't we just love kids fashion???)

My kids love him. We they have not yet come up with an official name for it yet. I love it that my kids love the new member of the family. My only apprehension is the attachment it will cause. It is inevitable and I am dreading it.

A TV channel once featured "The best jobs in the world" which mainly focused on jobs in the US. Jobs like that of eBay where employees are actually encouraged to buy stuff from eBay. If you were a shopper like me, I'm sure you'd want that job too! Another job was at some sport equipment manufacturer where employees had to be out of the office at least half of the day trying out their various products from surf boards to bicycles. For a sports enthusiast, I am sure one would die for this job.

My dream job would be something that would have to do with travel. Maybe a host of a travel show or a professional blogger who writes about the many wonders of the world. Traveling is such a rich experience regardless of age. Exposure to other cultures allows us to appreciate so many things - things we do not have and things we already have. It becomes an experience like no other where we get to absorb the many wonders the world has to offer which we usually fail to see because of the busy, busy worlds we allow ourselves to get absorbed in.

I'd write about the beauty of the city where I live, how it was named as the Summer Capital of the Philippines by the Americans in the 1940's when life in the country's capital of Manila became too hot thus pushing the Americans to look for a cooler place to hold National Assemblies, etc. It is a small city with old timers who comfortably live a slow paced life. In the years that have past, Baguio City has developed into its own identity. One may say it has lost the old, rustic small city life with the entrance of big malls, franchised restaurants and I would have to agree that in a way Baguio is not the old Baguio anymore. But there are still places in Baguio that one can still go to to enjoy Baguio as it has. Good food is what Baguio can also boast about especially if you know where to go.

Chocolate cake and Chicken and Chips at Honey in The Rock.

Restaurants that offer good food in Baguio are usually owned by families who have been in the business for generations. Years ago when life was simpler, these restaurants were places families would go to when there would be special occasions like a birthday or if someone graduated. Now a days, eating out has become nothing but normal. Other good places to go to for food would be Omai Khan, Rosebowl, Forest House or Mario's. 

 Food at Forest House

The Philippines has also so much more to offer especially the beaches since we are surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and the China Sea. Just an hour away from Baguio is the province of La Union which has  black sand beaches. When we want to escape reality on a rather low budget and with just 2 days to spend, we head of to the beaches of La Union. 

Heading Home

We are heading home today! Jet's IV has been removed and we are waiting for the discharge orders from the doctor. He is in a cast already and will have it on for the next 3 weeks. He will have to go for rehab after his cast has been removed. Bad news is, he will have to be operated on again after 3 months to remove the screws! Boo.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Where We Are

We're still at the hospital. Jet's surgery lasted for about 3 hours and stayed i the recovery room for about an hour and half. Regardless of what the case is, to have a loved on in the hospital can be very stressful. The emotions one feels can become very overwhelming. For me, it also brings back a whole lot of memories of Mom and Dad and their days spent in the hospital.

Anyway, so far, Jet has been recovering pretty well although he is still in pain. We also learned from the doctor that Jet will need to be operated on after about 3 months to remove the screws - which upon finding out turned Jet's mood very sour. 

Hopefully we get to go home by tomorrow. Crossing fingers!!

Off We Go

We're off to the hospital today and will be staying there for at least 4 days. Eeeep. This is Jet's first time in his 30 years of life to be hospitalized so he is totally freaked out. I really pray his surgery goes well, there will be no complications and he will recover fast. Am I asking for too much??

In the meantime, here are some photos of the littlelest guy when we went to do some errands last weekend

Of Things That Happened

We came from the doctor yesterday - to have Dash's wound cleaned and to talk to Jet's ortho sugeon.

Dash's wound is healing very well although his pedia still wants it covered so as to avoid any bacterial infection. He hardly feels any pain now so I think he will be OK.

On to the more serious matter. We got to talk to Jet's ortho surgeon who has decided to operate on him Wednesday morning. He will be doing 3 procedures - and I do not really remember the medical terms - but he will basically be doing an elbow reconstruction. I asked the doctor how bad it was and the doctor said, "very." Sheesh. The radial head of his elbow was shattered but the doctor will never really know the extent of the damage until he opens it up. If the radial head was damaged by only about 30%, then it will not require anything major but if more than that was damaged then the surgeon will have to use a couple of titanium screws to put things in place. Jet will have to stay in the hospital for about 3-4 days, will be in a cast for 4-6 weeks and will need rehab for about 3 months.

Meanwhile, I didn't get that job I was applying for at the other company and I didn't get the promoted at work this year.

Set backs aside, everything else is OK.

Happy Sunday everyone.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

On Monday morning, we rushed my 5 year old son to the ER. He accidentally spilled his very hot soup on his right thigh. He was very brave and didn't cry. The doctors cleaned his wounds and wrapped it in a bandage. He was a trooper. He is ok now and will be brought for follow up check up tomorrow.

Tuesday was my birthday.

On Wednesday, my husband and 9 year old son went to play basketball. A little before 5PM, my husband called and said he was on his way to the ER again! I left work and rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately, my husband suffered a bad fall. Upon confirmation from the doctors, based on the x-ray results, he suffered an elbow fracture. It is swelling until now so right now he is just in a semi cast. By tomorrow, we will know if and when he will be operated on since the radial plate of his elbow was shattered.

Its Essence

Today officially marks the end of the first half of the year. Whenever I have my own quiet time, I always find myself thinking of how I have been spending my time. I think I give a lot of importance to how one's time is spent. When I was younger - carefree and self centered, I could sit around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing, thinking of nothing. My goodness, I cannot go back to those days and imagine how much time was wasted on absolutely nothingness (if there is such a word)!

Soon, Christmas songs will fill the air. My kids will soon turn a year older again. The rainy season will end and we will welcome summer into our lives again. We will welcome a new year again.

Time goes by. Our lives go by. I want to make it worth looking back on.

Tid Bits

Words that come out of my mouth most of the time when at home:

NO!

STOP!

ENOUGH!

Talk about being more positive!!!

-

I just realized that I have a fascination for names that start with the letter "D." I was watching a show and the name of the baby was Daxton. I loved the name. I initially wanted to name my second son Dathan - but I realized that Dathan in the Bible was swallowed up by the earth. I believe in the importance of a name. So I decided not to name him that. I still gave him a name that starts with the letter D.  I also always liked the name Dustin as in Dustin Hoffman.

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I can't help but wonder why after more than a month of jogging, I haven't lost weight! How many minutes and how many heart beats per minute must I maintain in order to say that my workout was "successful?" On the other hand, I must also control my food consumption!! Argghh.

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I am starting to seriously potty train my toddler. He is now 2 years and 4 months old and I feel he is ready. He is the youngest one among my 3 boys who started potty training. My eldest took the longest to train at 3 years and 4 months! Getting rid of diapers will cut down a lot on my monthly budget. So, wish me all the luck!

Eastern Parenting : How It Was For Me

I would love to read this. Why? Because I can relate to it although I cannot say that I have had the same exact experience as the daughters of the author but in a way, I was raised in a family where we were never to settle for nothing but excellent.

Perfection is something not foreign to me. It was my goal for many years when I was much younger. Although my dad was careful enough to stay away from directly telling me that he wanted nothing but perfection, I could read in between the lines. The way he would make me repeat things if he didn't seem pleased with the way it was done, to his facial expressions that painted disappointment when I would present him with my scores of schoolwork / homework that weren't perfect or his rhetorical dispositions when he would be intoxicated where his tongue loosened up and finally expressed his desire for perfection in everything.

My parents always made me feel loved. That is not a question and never will be. But please don't ask me why love and acceptance do not quite add up - in my case, that is. I always felt loved but I never felt that I was good enough. When I would do something wrong, I would never hear the end of it. If I did something good / commendable / that deserved recognition, I would never hear appreciation. Like it was nothing special.

Criticisms never ended. When I was criticized for something and would do my best to improve on it, my Dad would move on to the next. It never ended. He would tell me that he always believed in me, that I was talented, that I had so much potential. As I look back on those times, those things he told me is what I believe carried me through. I may have used those to build my confidence.

I know my parents wanted me to have a normal childhood as possible, given that I was an only child. My playmates were mostly my cousins. Unlike kids in my 4th grade class, I never owned a Nintendo. I only had 1 Barbie doll while my other classmates had at least 5. I also took piano lessons. I was enrolled in ballet and taekwondo. When I got to highschool and felt a bit too old for ballet, I wasn't allowed to stop until I reached toe class. In taekwondo I got my blackbelt as well.

No matter how much my parents would tell me how much I could achieve, there would always be the phrase "if only you would be..." attached to it. So despite the slight morale boosts once in a while, I was more insecure than confident. I always found myself unsure of myself. I always craved for assurance that what I was doing was right, that what I was doing was correct, etc. And when I would "fail," instead of taking it on as a greater challenge, I would tell myself "that's what you get because you don't deserve it anyway."

For years I have been battling with so many insecurities.  I find it difficult to believe in myself even when people around me say otherwise.

It's a choice I guess on how a child will take on how his/her parents raise them. I chose to rebel although not intentionally. I found myself drinking and smoking at the age of 14. I skipped school. I got myself pregnant at 19.  And in my mind I thought, there, see? I am really not perfect.

So maybe the choice I made is one of my bigger regrets. Young and impulsive, I chose not to see it as something for my own good. I didn't choose to find happiness in how my parents were raising me. I decided to go the other way. The road usually traveled. I ended up lost. And there, I brought more disappointment to my parents, my Dad especially. And in a way, I paved my own unhappiness - at that time.

At almost 30, I am just slowly starting to shake off the excess baggage. I have so much. I am slowly trying to accept myself for who I am. I want to be able to say that I can do so much but I am taking those steps rather slowly. I know I don't have much time to wallow in my past. I have 3 kids to think of. I need to discover how I will raise them. Hard as it is to admit, I have developed some "Chinese Mom" characteristics (more on that in another post) and I am battling with whether I should try dropping those practices altogether.


I really don't know if it has done me any good. I would want to believe that it has.