Things You'd Rather Not Have To Face

After 3 biopsies - lung aspiration, bone scan and lymph node samples -- the family finally got the answers. He had stage 4 cancer and they could no longer determine where the primary tumor originated. Whenever there would be free time during both our hectic schedules in the office, she would come to my table, hot cup of coffee in hand, she'd pull a chair and I'd bring out the biscuits. She'd talk and I would listen. She'd ask and I would try to answer. She would get teary eyed but her tears would never fall. I asked her why and she said she didn't ant anybody to see her crying, she wanted people to see her as someone strong.

I tried my best to bite my tongue but I felt I needed to say something. I told her I was that way a few years back, before I realized what true strength was. Everybody saw me as someone strong and I was sick of it. One day, I let loose. I cried and cried and cried and it felt much better. I shared with her my insights.

True strength isn't measured by out ability not to cry even in the most painful situations. For me, it's being able to express what you feel in front of other people because you know, in your heart that you are but human, You have feelings that cannot and should not be suppressed. But at the same time being able to regain composure and keep yourself together.

So i brought out the tissue. And she gave it a good cry.

Yesterday, she got a call from her sister. Her dad was in a worse condition. He could harldy breath anymore and could not sleep. He is 67 years old.

The family's initial decision was to forgo chemotherapy. After all, it would make him even weaker. But this morning, I got a message from my friend, sh was asking for the contact number of my Mom's oncologist. They decided to push through with some treatment.

This time, I bit my tongue. And kept my thoughts to myself.

Moments like these, I can't help but be thankful that those painful times in my life are over.

Keeps Me Sane, Really.

On the way to the grocery, in the car with my 6 year old son.

Josh: So, what did you want to become when you were young?

Me: Uh...A lawyer.

Josh: A lawyer!????!!!! (shock of his life tone)

Me: Yeah, like my Grandpa Sinai.

Josh: He was a lawyer?

Me: Uh huh. What about you, what do you wanna become?

Josh: A skyjumper!

Me: I mean to earn money (silly guy! Are you kidding me tone)

Josh: Ah, ok. A teacher! A teacher of little kids.

Me: Cool.

--- silence--- (which lasted for zero seconds)

Josh: Dead stinky worms make me feel sick.

Me: Uh, where did you see or smell dead stinky worms?

Josh: At home, while I was swinging in the garden.

Me: Seriously?

And then he laughs.

Ahh I need more of these conversations. They keep me sane.

The 2 Year Old Guy

It's been a month since he turned 2. From the day he was born, I knew I was in a for a whole new different adventure. He slept through the night (?), which lasted for just a week. But even if he would wake up in the middle of god knows what time, it wasn't such a struggle getting him back to peaceful slumber. He loves his breastmilk but didn't mind drinking it from the bottle as well.

Unlike his older brother who had me completely until he was 2, this guy was left at home with the househelp when he was just 3 months old because I had to go back to work. Official lunch breaks were spent speeding home so that I could feed him.

He walked before he talked and he couldn't sit up until he was 11 months. He hardly got sick and I'm thankful he doesn't have asthma. He was a good eater ever since.

Today he has evolved into such a character. He has a temper and is very determined. What his older brother does he always thinks he can do better. He is slowly developing a larger vocabulary. When I call his name he doesn't just come to me, he first asks "why?" When he sees food on the table which he loves, he says, "wow food!" He doesn't just have one lovey, he has 2 of them and he can't go to sleep with one of them missing. He says "uck" when he forgets to pee in the potty and demands he be "chucked" (changed) right away.
He says "I Wuv Woo!" And I say, "I do too sweetie."

Spin Spin Spin

It's been 2 months since I started getting serious about my weight and although it hasn't been easy, I've come to love it big time. Spinning has a lot of health benefits and the main reason I was drawn to it is the number of calories you burn in just one 45 minutes. As compared to using the treadmill where you usually burn between 200-400 calories in 30 minutes (running) or doing aerobic class where you burn between 500-700 calories in an hour, with spinning, you burn between 1000-1200 calories in 45 minutes.

Some say it'll make your leg muscle huge. Well not really, it will tone your leg muscles. Each teacher has their own focus. Like the class I attend on M W and F's focuses on stamina. All through out the workout, she keeps the pace very fast. I feel my heart pumping very fast. And the class I attend on T and TH's focuses on hard resistance. So a lot of the cycles for this class focuses on strength and agility.

With this routine I have been following for the past 2 months, I noticed that I sleep better at night and can carry a 30 pound toddler for a much longer time -- even up the stairs! I feel much better and have more confidence. Although I have only lost around 6 lbs, I can comfortably fit into a size 6 and can squeeze into some size 4 clothes.

Now dieting is a much different discussion.

Check out these sites and learn more about it!

Dancing On In My Heart

Because this picture posted by Momisodes brought back a lot of memories, I decided to go through that old box on my top most shelf of my shoe shelf which kept what was once very, very precious to me.
It all started one boring summer when I was 9. Tired of art workshops and the lack of a decent swimming pool in our city, my Mom decided to enroll me in ballet class. Everyday for 2 months, I would diligently attend a one hour class at a dance studio. When classes started, I started to feel that dancing ballet was a part of me. So I asked my Mom that I continue dancing.

Danced I did. When I was 11, I had my first ballet recital. But it was only when I turned 12 did I take dancing seriously. My ballet teacher informed me I was ready for pointe class. I was so happy! For the past 3 years, I only watched ballerinas on their toes with their pointe shoes pirouetting and perfecting their forme.

Ballet was all that mattered. I watched what I ate, I made sure I did not get too heavy, I grew my hair long so that I could easily pull it up into a bun. I was disciplined. I learned how to concentrate and focus. I would dance after class, when I got home. I would dream of the dance steps. I had so much respect for the art and I loved my pointe shoes. I would plaster my toes before wearing them, my toes would bleed - the bigger my smile would be. I was working hard at it. The audience didn't really matter, I didn't care about the blaring lights on stage-- all I wanted to do was dance.

Before long, I wore out my first pair. And then I got another.

Until I found another love.

I danced for 5 years. It remains close to my heart and will remain to be.

Never Under Estimate

If you have a toddler at home, do not leave anything you do not want him / her to get a hold of. No matter how much you think to yourself, "Nah, he won't be able to reach for it."

Given that there were 24 pieces of dunkin donuts munchkins in the box when I left it on top of the divider.
There he is not wanting to listen to my lecture.

Going Pure And Natural

I'm no health buff although I try my best to be sometimes, I have the tendency to forget. And with me turning a year older in a few days (gagging here), I've been thinking to myself that I ought to be more health conscious. Given that, lately as well, I have been witnessing death, hospitalizations and discoveries of illnesses of people close to those close to my heart. I found myself praying one day, saying that I pray I get to see my children grow well into their age when they will be old and independent enough for me to say that my stay here on earth has been well spent. And in the natural chronological order of things, a child buries a parent. And that's exactly how I would want things to be. Not the other way around.

I remember my Mom mentioning that she used the juicer when she found out she had cancer. And I knew that the juicer had been sitting on our shelf - collecting dust. And then one time, I bought a glass of all natural juice in a mall and saw part of its advertisement stating "5 vegetables and fruits a day can help battle cancer." And I knew that juicer on our shelf was waiting for me to pay attention to it.

So, I finally opened the dusty box and took out the juicer.Yes I was scared. There was no manual to be found. And all the parts were apart. So slowly, I tried to learn how to put it together--I finally did after about half an hour.

I cut up the fruits. You can actually use any combination. There is no particular recipe to be followed. From the normal apples and oranges you can experiment with other fruits. For this one, I used papaya, banana and pineapple. You can add carrots or broccoli. Whatever tickles or craving.

You can add water if you feel it is too concentrated. I added ice cubes.


I've tried mixing pineapple, apple and orange. Bananas don't produce much juice but just a few give a very strong flavor. A lot of juice can be extracted from apples, pineapples and oranges. Papayas have a very subtle flavor.

I'd want to try carrots, broccoli and tomatoes maybe. I read an article that uses celery and ginger as well. Anything can be juiced. And there are a LOT of health benefits! Forget about all the unnatural juice we give our kids! Natural juice contains natural sugar-- nothing artificial in it.

Rainy Days and Mondays....

When you have a lovely / relaxed / wonderful / fun filled / nice weekend, you never want Monday to arrive.


Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go.

Not too excited about it.

Ahem, not excited at all.

Dad

Because you taught me to live by my principles -- by what is right and should be.

Because you taught me never to settle for second best. To do my best in everything I did.

Because you made helped me realize my potentials -- who I could be.

Because through you eyes I saw the importance of being passionate in doing the things you love to do.

Because you taught me the importance of integrity.

Because you made me see why an act of kindness should never expect anything in return.

Because you taught me to be.

Because you allowed me to cry when I needed to cry, to laugh when I needed to.

Because you protected me like no one ever did.

Because you are my Dad.

I think about you everyday. I look for your presence, especially when I feel lost. I always think of what you would have said to all of life's questions.

I Love You Dad.

I question why you had to leave. I wish you were still here to see the boys - you'd be crazy about them.

Because you made me who I am today.

Because you made me come this far.

Because you LOVE me.

I wish you were here.

I Love You Dad. I Love You.


I Love You.

For Being You, Thanks.

No fancy presents this year, no planned out lunch or dinner out. This year, it'll just be the full appreciation of how much you mean. Thank You.
Happy Father's Day.

Them Cuties

Because this week has been emotionally draining and tiring and exhausting for me ---- I leave you with these, which make me forget all my worries.....

Where Can The Answers Be Found?

I wonder if it's wrong to remember the past, to dig into one's heart and bring to life what once was even if we fully know that that once will never be and can never be anymore. It becomes especially difficult especially when the memories you have stored are those which now you realize were the best part of your life and the pain grows deeper knowing that all you have left of that is a mere memory. And the not so good parts? Well, I guess, you will end up smiling as you remember them after all, that's what brought you here today after all.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.

Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.

I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.

That void. I wonder what is it.

That Anger From Within

I got a message from one of my closest friends this afternoon. She was asking for prayers for Krystlle, her 14 year old niece (who I saw when she was growing up), who had cancer of the tissue. Krystelle had been in and out of the hospital for the past 5 months, the doctors advised against any sort of treatment since it seemed like it was too late already, the cancer had already spread.

I felt so sad.

After about an hour, my friend sent another message and said that Krystelle had passed away already.

How do you react to something like that. There was nothing I could say to make things less painful. What is there to say. There really isn't anything to say. It pains me to see people with cancer having to suffer. And it pains me more to see their loved ones left behind when they go.

Cancer is not easy. It is painful,in every aspect of it. But cancer patients are fighters. They give it one big fight and it is because of them that we are inspired to see life in a different way.

Cancer has hurt me. Cancer has pained me. Cancer has made me angry. Cancer has made me stronger. Cancer has hurt me.

Cancer took away my mom. It took away my grandfather. Cancer continues to take away so many special lives.


And I hate it.

Nope. Not. Really.

My nose grew an inch longer after I answered "I am!" to my six year old son after he asked me if I was a good speller. He's into spelling in school so I constantly play a game by asking him to spell certain words.

I suck at spelling. I cannot and will not dare compose anything if the spell check option is turned off OR if a dictionary is not beside me. It has been my struggle all these years. I was never a good speller in school. I disliked joining spelling bees. And until today, I do not have confidence in my spelling skills. I suck.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Josh spell man

Josh: M-A-N

Me: What about pants

Josh: P-A-N-T-S

Me: School

Josh: Hey Mom are you a good speller?

Me: Spell School

Josh: But are you? Are you a good speller?

Me: I am.

Josh: Then spell Clock

Me: C-L-O-C-K! See? I'm good.

And then he gives me a nod.

Well, for as long as he sticks to 5 letter words I guess I will be a good speller.