Sunday, November 20, 2011


I have had 10 helpers in 18 months and I don't think that it is doing me or my kids any good. It has traumatized me and my children but I have no choice but to keep getting helpers because I do not have anyone who can take care of my children permanently while I am at work. It is very stressful because it drives me to the point where sometimes anger wells up in me asking why I can't have my Mom or Dad anymore.
I think that I have been trying to deny my feelings of late to pretend that I am ok. I miss my Mom terribly. Even if it has been 6 years, I can't say that the intensity of the feelings have improved in any way. Circumstances like these even make it worse and harder for me to try to move on from the feelings of grief. I don't like it because it hampers my everyday outlook on life. It brings about feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I find myself thinking of "if only" thoughts all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for them because they don't have anyone permanent in their life - except for me and their Dad of course but seeing a new face every other month just makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them that no one ever stays for good to look after them while both the husband and I are at work. I feel the saddest for my youngest because he has been under the watch of too many caregivers and he is only 2 and a half years old. My eldest grew up with my parents around, my second had a nanny who stayed around until he was 4 years old.
I'm feeling really low right now.


Shoshana said...

Louann, your kids have you and your husband. They're lucky. You don't need to be sorry for them. Yes, it would be very nice to have your parents, too. But bottom line is, they have you and you rock as a parent.

Sophiagurl said...

Hi Lou-ann, i lost count of mine as well. Those very same feelings have run through my had too many times. The tears I've shed on it could fill a small river. Although my mom is still with me:) You know what she told me during this time? It doesn't matter how many nannies come and go, the important fact remains you, as their mom is always there for them and that's what they will remember. They will grow up and you won't worry much anymore...continue to be a good mother and that's all that matters:)