I can be a complainer. Oh yes I can. I can sit and complain ALL-DAY-LONG. But should I?
I have been reading a lot of Mommy blogs. A lot of posts to which I agree that yes, indeed, motherhood is NOT easy. It never will be. Once motherhood becomes easy, I think we will have to come up with a new word with a whole new different meaning. For some people the quest to being a mother in the first place is where all the hardship begins. For some, it is during the pregnancy itself. But for all of us, as soon as the child is born so begins our journey.
The sore feeling after you have just given birth. Breastfeeding. The sleepless nights. The cough or the colds or the fever. Diaper changing. A trip to the mall. A 5 day family trip. Gas pains. Unexplainable crying. The carrying of the baby - who is as heavy as a solid rock or a sack of potatoes.
I love being a Mom. Yes I do. I love it. I love the baby smell. The soft skin. The milestones. The dressing up. The cuddling. Conversations with a 5 year old. His wit. The school programs. The art work.
But it will happen faster than I can imagine. Soon I will be a graduate. And will I miss it? Yes I will. Every second of it. I will miss the stinky poo. The heavy large baby. I will miss the drool. I will look for the sleepless nights. I will miss it.
But I do not want to think about it just yet. I will enjoy every single minute of it.
Even if last night I was sleeping very lightly from 12-4am because Dash was very restless and could not get into comfortable deep sleep. Because me, his great Mom thinking he was a big boy now failed to realize that he poo'd and needed a diaper change in the middle of the night. Because the last time I changed a dirty nappy in the middle of the night was 12 months ago.
Got an email from my Aunt (mom's sister). All of them (mom's brother's and sister's) all met up in Chicago to attend my cousin's wedding . Clearly, they all had a love filled time together. And I am sure my Mom would have had the best time of her life.
Many, many, many realizations. Decisions made. Prayers said.
I handed in my resignation letter last August 22. I decided to talk to my boss personally. I felt that was the best way - professionally as well - to approach the whole thing instead of sending an email or just leaving my resignation letter on top of her table. Initially, she thought it was a bad joke. Obviously not.
Backtrack. I am reigning? I finally am?! Yes but not to be a SAHM - I wish!
More than a month ago, I got a call. From a bank. They were asking if I was interested in working with them. I was surprised. And then I got excited - beacuse as I wrote before, change is beautiful . But thinking deeper, thinking further, I found myself rather scared.
I pray all the time. And in this one big decision I had to make, I found myself praying harder. I said "Lord, not what I want but what you want. Not my will but Yours."
I no longer want to waste any more time. Any more energy. Any more effort. On things which are not supposed to be.
And so I trust. I trust in His amazing will. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but, I trust.
"Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping a moment and think of it. And then, he feels that perhaps there isn't. Anyhow, here he is at the bottom, and ready to be introduced to you. Winnie-the-Pooh." A.A. Milne.
Everyone had a bear when they were a kid. I had a small brown one - who I loved dearly. Dilly was his name - given by a lady named Dolly (mom's friend).
Josh has one - a Pooh bear given to me by my friend and taken from me by Josh when he was 2. Pooh used to be a plump, fluffy, bright yellow teddy bear. He saw his bear hanging on the clothesline once - I failed to hide it from him - and he almost freaked out. He saw Pooh once in the dryer and didn't know what to make of it. He sleeps with Pooh. He buries his face on Pooh's tummy when he cries. He hides behind Pooh's head when he is watching something scary. He wrestles with Pooh. He tosses the Pooh-r bear around.
When he was younger, we would agrue about me not allowing him to tag along the 24" bear to the mall.
But a teddy bear isn't a teddy bear unless it is all worn out - never mind his limp arms, his worn out nose. Never mind if he has lost his shirt. Never mind. He is after all, a teddy bear.
When you have a sick baby, all you ever wish for is for his hyperactivity to return - no kidding. You will find yourself wishing that your kid be his normal naughty, silly, non-listening-to-what mommy-says self again.
And so what do you do?
Tender Loving Care of course and nice hot bowl of Chicken Broth. My Mom and Dad would always tell me that Chicken Soup is the best for colds and flu.
I read through my book , through the chapter on "special concerns" like when the baby gets sick and I came upon a short article on the Old Wives's tale on Chicken Broth which is not such and old wives's tale after all. And researching further, Chicken Soup / Broth has been used since ancient times . This powerful soup is also packed with lots of nutrients, check out Susie’s recipe.
I add lots of ginger to mine.
In no time, your sick Little baby will be back on his feet . . . .
Last Saturday, I was pleased when hubby said he was not feeling well and was not up to making a quick trip to the mall. So Jet instructed Josh to accompany me. While driving to the mall, I remembered how frequent Josh and I would do things together BEFORE Dash came along. So I took the time to take my little man out on a date. I was just so relaxed. Going to the mall with a 5 year old is much less stressful than with a 1 year old. No baby bag, no diapers, no milk - it was something I appreciated very much. First we went to have his haircut, went around a bit and then we had a snack. While eating, I noticed Josh kept staring at other people - it annoyed me. So, I told him to stop staring at other people to which Josh replied "stop talking while your mouth is full." OK. We had a great time together. It was something I really missed. And so did Josh as he told me we should do it again sometime - just me and him. We definitely will. - Come Sunday morning, Dash had a fever. I gave him paracetamol but I noticed the fever did not want to go away. Come Sunday night, Dash was very very hot, his temp reached a high of 39.5 C. He was very restless and could not sleep. Plus he did not want me to lie down, he would cry whenever I would. So I had to sit down beside him. At 6AM of Monday morning, he no longer looked good. He was red as a tomato - the ripest tomato, that is. Since the peed would be available by 10AM and I was very very worried, I told hubby that the E.R. would be the best thing to do already. So, I packed a bag for Dash - just to make sure I had a set of complete things just in case the little guy would be confined. When we got to the E.R. Dash just started to cry his heart out. I just had to keep asking the nurses and the doctor to repeat what they were saying because Dash was screaming in my ear the whole time and every time the nurses would try to make cute faces at him, the louder he would scream. Diagnosis: Upper Respiratory Track Infection a.k.a. The Cough Verdict: No Need For Confinement. Yahoo! The doctor just prescribed a whole bunch of meds - which included antibiotics. BUT yesterday was still hellish because Dash refused to be put down or carried by anyone else but me. He wanted the paci in his mouth the whole time and refused to let go of his sippy cup. He kept fighting his sleep as well. And he kept crying. Yes, he was a very normal sick little baby. Angels in heaven started to sing when Dash finally closed his eyes and did not wake up till 630 this morning. And now the muscles on my left arm hurt so bad. But at least Dash is feeling much better. And yes, the weekend was still great.
-- I love you all and thanks for the comments you left me in my last post.
I've been going through a lot lately. Been thinking about so much. Decisions that have to be made. Choices laid out before me. And I have found myself looking for someone to talk with, to get some words of wisdom from. Mental and emotional stress is much much much harder to handle than physical stress. I would join the an iron man contest right now in exchange for all this thinking and feeling!
I used to ask my Mom about everything. And my Dad would often think out loud even if I didn't ask him (because I was too scared of a very lengthy discussion). And lately, I have been looking for "what she would have said" moments to help me make decisions. It's not that whatever she said she thought I should do is what I would do. It's just that hearing what she thought about it, what she felt about it, what she thought I should do about it just gave me more insights on the situation and allowed me to think beyond my initial perceptions. And with my Dad, he was just so full of wisdom. When he would make me sit down on the dinner table, he would express his thoughts and a lot of times what he would say would be painfully true but just listening to him made me feel the love he had for me - that what he wanted for me was always the best. And although my Mom was a worrier, when I would listen to what she said, there was a certain peace in her voice which calmed me. I miss them.
And now I find myself trying to get around in this world. Like a blind person trying to cross the street alone. Sometimes I think that if I had a sibling, things would have been different. I love my family yes - I love Jet and I love my kids. And I talk to Jet and am very open to him about everything but there are certain times when he is just there to listen. Sometimes he really does not know what to say. And I totally understand that. And I guess it is for that reason that I am looking for the 'unsolicited advise' my parents would always give me - something I may have taken for granted. Yes I took it for granted. And look what I am looking for right now. It is different when you hear it from someone who is wise and who knows who very well because then they also know how to approach you.
I dream of days when I do not need to rush in the morning. As I open my eyes, I look beside me and see my little bugger (Dash) still sleeping. I comfortably get out of bed and prepare breakfast while ushering in big bugger (Josh) into the bathroom to take a bath. I get Josh ready for school just as the little one is waking up. We all eat breakfast together and send hubby and Josh off.
The little one and I spend half of the morning in the garden - Dash looking for bugs and butterflies to pester, flowers to pick while I chase after him. We stop for a morning snack before we head in for bath time. He has some play time while I prepare lunch. Hubby and Josh arrive and we all have lunch together. Hubby head out as I stay with the boys. We have some play time before they take a nap. When they wake up, I give them a snack and then the 3 of us head off to the grocery. We come home and I prepare a delicious dinner. We play while waiting for hubby to arrive. Shortly after hubby arrives, we all have dinner. As I wash the dishes, the 3 boys play. And then I get them ready for bed. And then ah- some quiet time for me and hubby. And then it is off to dreamland.
OK in reality - I prepare a bottle for Dash between 5-530 AM. We are all awake by 630. I prepare Josh's food and try to feed Dash at the same time. As soon as Josh finishes his breakfast, he takes a bath as I try to take a quick bite while Dash is with hubby. As soon as Josh finishes, it's my turn to jump into the shower. I get out and try to pick an outfit quickly while running after Dash with just a towel wrapped around me. Hubby is taking a bath by this time. Everyone starts to get on each other's nerves by 730 - we will all be late again. So we get in the car and wave bye bye to Dash. Hubby drops me off at the office and he takes Josh to school. My day revolves around checking emails, attending meetings and other administrative tasks. By 1130, hubby and Josh pick me up and we all head home for lunch. An hour is a quick break and then I head back to the office. Afternoons are the same for me in the office. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I head off to school until around 83o in the evening and then I head home. On days that I don't have class, we usually go home right after my work unless we have to make a quick run to the grocery or do a few errands.
I am on verge of complaining. Or banging my head on the wall. I miss my children. I wish I could spend more time with them. I'm thinking of not enrolling next semester - enroll when the kids are older. I have realized that I am rushing things and wanting to get them done too quickly.
We have heard it one too many times. I have heard it a zillion times . When people say " The only constant thing in this world is change." Yes it sounds all too familiar. When I hear this, I find myself not paying too much attention to it. In fact, it goes in my right ear and quickly leaves through my left ear.
But when we are truly faced with the need for change - the want for change - change itself - the fact that we cannot escape change, then the saying that "change is the only constant thing in this world" suddenly hits us hard. I panic. I wonder why such a fact must exist. It sounds so simple - very easy to understand but those things that lie beneath its surface are those which are unbearable to comprehend. I am perfectly comfortable with what I am doing now, what I have now- it took me some time to adjust to some changes and now that I am getting used to a lot of new things, why the need for more changes. And I find myself answering my own question - of course, obviously, because change is inevitable. And then I ask the deeper question - why am I afraid of change- am I?
Yes I am. I bravely say that I am. I am a coward when it comes to changes. So I decide to reflect and look back at the many many changes in my life that where I had no choice but to accept it and adjust to it and eventually learn to love it. My Dad's death changed too many things. I did not want it, I did not want to accept it but I had to and I learned to deal with the changes that took place. My Mom's death - it hit me hard but I knew that there was no way I could escape the changes that came with it. And then the birth of my second child - it changed me completely. So why am I scared again? I don't know. But I am.
And then I realize that I am scared because of the uncertainty that change will bring. Ah hah! There it is, that's right- it is the uncertainty. Not knowing what I am going to be faced with, what I can or cannot expect, what I can do, what I won't be able to do. Many, many things that bring uncertainty to my soul scares me enough. It is because of the unknown as compared to the known that you have come to know and love and be comfortable with. It will be a matter of stepping out of your comfort zone, leaving it and taking that one tiny step into something new and different.
But change is beautiful.
And maybe, just maybe, if I willingly accept what must change then I too can change with the changes - to turn into someone better.
It's been raining. In just 3 days, we had 2 storms pass our City. It is always like this, every year from June - October or November, the rains decide to pour themselves down on us. I have gotten used to this, it has always been like this since I was a kid.
When I was in elementary, strong rains made me happy. They meant classes were suspended and cold, rainy afternoons would be spent playing with cousins. As I grew older, strong rains no longer appealed to me. They meant wet jeans and jackets. Feeling miserably cold while sitting in a colder classroom listening to the college professor lecture away as I yearned to be dismissed so that I could go straight to a coffee house and get a hot cup of coffee. As the years passed, rains became a constant complaint, finding myself asking for the warm sun to sunshine its rays on my days.
Today, I like to see the rain as a sign of the changing seasons of this earth. Inevitable. Needed to water the trees and the plants. When I look out the window, I see happiness. The grass so green, so lush. It's nature's way of feeding - of blessing the plants and the trees and the flowers. Rainy days used to make me sad, used to make me sulk. It used to give me reason to complain. But rainy days allow me to be still. To sit and cuddle with my kids - also with myself. To seek warmth not from people or things outside, but from within. It is a time I cannot escape.
Sometimes I look for the sun - for sunshiny days when weather is cool and light but I am reminded that it cannot be. Rainy days remind me to be content - to be thankful for what I have and for what I do not have.
And as the seasons of the earth change, so do the seasons of our lives.
One realization that hit me again a few days ago is that I want to try to be perfect. If I can't be perfect the first time, I would want to do whatever it is all over again and make sure that this time around, I focus on making what I wasn't able to make perfect the last time perfect this time. Like OK, motherhood. Like right now, when I think of having another baby - given that I totally remove all my hesitations about having another baby like morning sickness and being extremely sensitive or the pain of having another c-section or sleepless nights or having to go back to work when the baby is only 2 months old, child care, etc (the list can go on but the list of why I should have another baby will definitely be longer). I'd want to make a lot of things different the 3rd time around. I would definitely breastfeed much longer (which is why before pushing for the daycare will have to wait a bit as a proposal for a breastfeeding room is what I am currently working on - will post about this later on). I only fed Dash for 5 months (sniff) but it became rather difficult for me and the baby because his appetite was increasing and due to the lack of stimulation, my milk supply decreased so I was forced to purchase a can of formula milk. Aside from this, I would definitely wear the baby . It never dawned upon me how wonderful this experience must be until I started to read the so many articles on the benefits of baby wearing. Also, I would want to train the baby NOT TO rely on the thumb as my older boy did so for 3 1/2 years! Which is why I gave my second kid a pacifier which I will totally also never encourage my next baby to do! Oh my goodness the addiction! And you know what else? I am totally going to stick to a strict and healthy diet! And thinking of these things make me excited. In a way it gives me reason and purpose. The realization that I can better next time is how I see it. I may have stated it too strongly - the wanting to be perfect thing - because there is no such thing as perfect. And now I further realize that I guess that's what makes life so beautiful - there is a realization of mistakes and a yearning to want to make things better the second time around. That's why I guess I also believe in second chances - in third chances and in fourth chances. I guess I chose to focus on motherhood as it is something very close to my heart but there are so many other things that we can work on - for as long as we are given the chance to do so. And it is very important that we are surrounded with love by the people we love and love us to continue to encourage us to keep going, to keep working on making things better, to keep reminding us never to settle for second best. Because life is beautiful. No matter what the circumstances are, it is. It is a matter of putting things in the right perspective. Because life is beautiful, We were made beautiful.
OK so, I had this wonderful proposal - very informal - which I mentioned to my boss - I said our office needed a day care. I know a lot of companies in the States have this already but over here in the Philippines, only a few companies have started this. Actually, after my maternity leave last year, I proposed the installation of a breastfeeding room. I sort of got the approval of my boss but there was never really a follow through of this project - which I will seriously be working on this year. In the office, we have a Family Welfare Committee which aims to ensure healthy living for employees, promote health awareness, etc. So one major project the committee thought of was to have a day care for the children of our employees. So, when I told my boss about this, she had many many many questions like- up to what extent will the company be liable and accountable, where will be get caregivers for the children, up to what age will the children be, how long will they stay in the day care, who will pay. So many questions. And I tried to answer them with answers that were just simply coming from the top of my head - not well though about YET. And when my boss and I were talking, I was under the impression that this would be one proposal that would be quite difficult to get an approval. Thankfully, when the rest of the committee met, they mentioned this day care thing to my boss and started justifying its need and importance. So, how does this work? Day cares in the workplace I mean. My one very important concern is, and I have to agree with my boss - up to what extent will the company be liable and accountable if something happens to the child? We have a lot of working mothers in our workforce, many of them come to a point where they opt to resign because nobody can take care of their kids. And as I have said many times before, working from the home here in our country is almost close to impossible unless you go into business.