Sunday, April 27, 2008

Sunday, April 20, 2008

At A Loss

How great are you when it comes to getting along with you in-laws?

I admire families who have great relationships with their in-laws. I think it really is an issue for some. My cousin gets along perfectly with her MIL. They shop together, they go out together, they travel abroad together, she takes care of the grandchildren, they have long talks, my cousin can cry her heart out to her.

And you know what? I find myself envious of her.

I have tried so many times, to reach out to my MIL and my SIL's, especially after my parents both died and having no sibling, I really felt that they would be my second family. For a while I did believe it could actually happen but as time went by, I realized I was pushing it, I was trying too hard.

2 years ago, I suggested to my SIL (hubby's older sister), that we take an out of town trip to Cebu with my other SIL, the hubby and my eldest. We did go and we did have fun. I did and now I wonder if they did. A year after, I suggested yet again that we have another out of town trip to Boracay. Again, we all went. There are times when I tell them if they want to go watch a movie, to call me. Or if they wanted to go shopping, I was just a text away. Never happened. All those times that we actually went out or met up, it was because I contacted them and invited them out. When we do go out, it's as if we all enjoy each other's company. So I don't really get it why they can't be the ones to make the 1st move.

But for the past 3 months, I sort of told myself to stop. And true enough, they never got in touch with me. For Josh's birthday, I am not sure if they even did remember. In a month's time, my second one will be turning 2, I wonder if they will remember.

I have cried about it, prayed about it, talked about it, gotten angry about it, tried to laugh about it too.

It's sad because I love them and I care about them but I don't know if they want me to.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Thoughts 04.19.2008

(Palawan 2006)

Lately, I have been getting a lot of "me" time. Not really by spending time alone but I realized that "me" time can also happen when you choose to have it. And for me, my "me" time happens when I chose to shut out everything around me- all the chaos, all the drama, all the chit chat and just listen to myself.

I love to talk, I love to express my feelings and opinions but lately, I have been loving talking to myself within me. Just listening to my own thoughts. Assessing what I have to say -to myself- before saying it out loud.

During one of my "me" times - which was in the shower after doing gym, it dawned upon me that which each birth of my children, a death was closely accompanied by it.

On January 7, 2002 which happened to be my Mom's 54th birthday, my 91 year old grandmother (mom of mom) passed away quietly in the hospital. On February 24 of that same year, my eldest was born.

On June 6, 2006 my other grandmother (mom of dad) passed away quietly in her room in the house of my Dad's sister. My 2nd child was 10 days old.

I believe that with each loss comes a new addition. That mourning is always accompanied by dancing in the morning.

1 month after I found out I was carrying my 2nd child, my Mom went home to her heavenly dwelling.

We realize that life goes on. It always will. For us, it may stop for a while but it will go on just as the earth will never stop rotating. Every sunset reminds of the sunrise we must look forward to. With every breath lost comes a new heartbeat. We are reminded of who we are and of who we can never be, of what we are and of what will become of us.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


My Aunt informed me this afternoon that my cousin's apartment in Manila burned down. She called the house around 2am this morning. According to her, the top floor of the whole apartment complex burned down so she wasn't able to save anything on her 2nd floor. No shoes, no clothes, no nothing. The first thing she did was to move her car to a safe place. She was able to grab her laptop, camera and bag.
And that's about it.
The things in her 1st floor were "saved" but are all wet.
My Aunt goes down tonight to go see her. She will have to look for a new place and buy some things for herself. I packed whatever clothes I feel would fit her.
I am just glad she is OK and that nothing happened to her.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Not My Best Week

Last Friday, after gym, I took a shower before heading off to work. As I was locking the car doors, I started to see an aura at the left side of my left eye. I knew I was doomed. As I entered the office, I immediately searched for my migraine meds and realized that the puoch where I keep those meds were not with me. I immediately asked an officemate if she had a painreliever tab, luckily she did. So I took it. The aura was getting worse and worse and I just wanted to throw up. So I did. Out came the medicine. I took another one and tried to keep it inside me. But I couldn't. So out it went again. After about half an hour, I popped another tab into my mouth. I started work but in the middle of interviewing applicants, I would excuse myself just to run t the bathroom and throw up. Unlike others who are affected by heat or the glare of light during a migraine attack, I become very sensitive to sound. And some of my officemates were juts speaking so loud or laughing their hearts out. My head was throbbing. Lunch break seemed so far away. I tired to catch a quick nap while pretending to work right in fron of my boss --- didn't work. Come lunch time, I decided to go home to catch a quick nap-- I left the car and took a cab. I slept it off for a good 45minutes. When I woke up, I just had a headache. But I felt so drained--like a hang over.

On Monday. after coming from the beach, the lights went out twice- I was on the computer happily reading blogs. So I restarted the computer each time the lights would come back on. On my 3rd attempt, the screen of the laptop went blue and left me a message saying something like "check if hard disk corrupted." GREAT. I tried to troubleshoot (not a techy person here by the way) and after several attempts, I finally go the message: the hard disk did crash.

The next day, I went to the gym. I got great news. I do not weigh 118lbs, instead, I weigh 123lbs. I was 123lbs when I delivered the little one. AND THEN, they measured my body mass and body fat. The results: 20% of my total weight is composed of fat. How great can that be.

Yesterday, my boss met up with me and discussed some issues brewing at the office. Very petty and trivial things which in my opinion is so shallow. Too many other important things to focus on than such issues, but then...

Today was not as bad. I hope tomorrow will be better.

It will be.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Reasons Why I Heart Summer

  1. There is no morning rush (no school for Josh, remember?)
  2. The cool crisp air, the clear blue sky and the birds chirping just freshen up my day.
  3. No need to bring an umbrella for the afternoon rains.
  4. Each sunny day always gives me hope of a happ day ahead!
  5. The wash dries very fast.
  6. The afternoon heat is an excuse for an ice cream scoop or a popsicle.
  7. It is flip flop season! (when not in the office that is)
  8. No need for thick. bulky jackets.
  9. The kids get to play in the garden every single morning.
  10. Summer = Beach

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Thank you for changing my life.
Thank you for making me appreciate the miracle of life.
Thank you for teaching me to accept my faults and admit them openly.
Thank you for making me a stronger person. Matured and wiser.

Thank you for making me more responsible and less self centered.
Thank you for reminding me to be thankful each day for each breath that we take.
Thank you for softening my heart.

Thank you for teaching me to enjoy each days adventures.

Thank you for teaching me to be more affectionate and demonstrative with my love.
Thank you for reminding me to be more thankful even for just the littlest things.
Thank you for allowing me to enjoy taking care of you.
Thank you for the joy and warmth in my heart that you bring to me each day.
Thank you for reminding me of the beauty of uniqueness.
Thank you for amazing me.

Thank you for the smile you give every time which reminds me that yes, there is hope.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for allowing me to love you.

Thank you for giving me the best adventure this life has to offer.

Thank you.

I Love You.

It's A Me Post

Yesterday, I finally did something about my struggle. For the first time in 7 years, I did some decent exercise. Not considering chasing after a 1 year old or climbing after a 5 year old that is. It had been brewing in my mind for a couple of weeks already. I decided to get in touch with a close friend of mine who happens to be a health buff. I told her I wouldn't go to the gym alone and I am happy that she did say we could be gym buddies.
The next thing that crossed my mind was - when will I have the time to actually work out? The kids, work, the chores- how was I going to squeeze in everything and manage to spare an hour for myself to be able to go to the gym? But then I realized that everybody - whether mom or dad or daughter or grandmother- everybody is entitled to some "me" time. Whether you use it to just be alone and read a book, to shop, to go to the salon, to play a sport, to be with friends - in my case, my "me" time now is going to the gym.
I figured going to the gym after work would be too tiring and I would probably be too lazy to get myself to the gym after a long days work, so I decided that the best time for a work out would be early in the morning.
I joined the spinning class. You sit on stationary bikes and do "hills" as in like you are climbing a hill on a bike. I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously. My sweat just kept pouring like mad. It felt really good though. I felt so upbeat the whole day, no sluggish feeling.
Today I woke up with really really really sore muscles. I decided I was not going to push my body to the edge so I didn't work out today. But tomorrow I will go back. And because I know myself better, I decided to enroll and become a member of the fitness club so that I will be forced to push myself to work out on a regular basis.
On the weighing scale here at home (which happens to be very inefficient), I weigh 115lbs. I think a good +3-5lbs would be the more accurate weight. I plan to lose at least 10lbs.
After having children, some (like me) tend to forget to take care of their bodies. For me, it became an excuse to not take care of my body - my being "busy" all the time and not finding time to do something about it. I want to start living a healthier lifestyle- which includes a big part of my eating habits. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have been consciously taking more glasses of water. Eventually I would want to cut down on too much salty and fatty foods. Am not good at doing things cold turkey.
I hope I get somewhere this time.