Tuesday, September 30, 2008

This Icky Feeling

I knew it. I just knew it. But I never learn! I totally jinxed myself AGAIN. After posting how my pregnancy was going pretty well I came down with the worst colds which was accompanied by an itchy-scratchy throat and had my head aching for the past 3 days. Yesterday at work, my backed started to ache so much that I started to cry.
I went for my check up yesterday. So far, I haven't gained weight BUT the baby is growing. I got to hear the heart beat as well. I was prescribed antibiotics as well.
And with my boss being on leave, I had to go to work this morning. But I really couldn't take it anymore so I took the half day off. Eeech.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

For Some Reason

2 years ago, I started this blog. For many reasons -- I thought it was an awesome way of keeping a diary and an even "awesomer" way of meeting great people on line. And I have. And I am thankful that I have developed special ties with some people who even if I have never met in real life, seem like I have known them forever. I have shared my life on this blog and you all have shared your lives with me too. And I am grateful.

Lately though, a number of people I have come to love seem to have grown distant for reasons I don't know. Some have decided to go private with their blogs, some have chosen to suddenly remain silent and some may have completely lost interest. And I do wonder why. At times I think if I'm the problem? I try to think of possible reasons why they decided to do such, was it because of me? What pushed them to suddenly be such?

Maybe they've outgrown it? Maybe they got tired?

I may never get the answers. It will forever remain unsolved. But to all of you who have remained true, please just know I that I am thankful and I'm glad we met.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My First...

... Pregnancy update that is. Funny how I haven't really talked about all my pregnancy symptoms in detail yet.

So far, I'm pretty much done with nausea, throwing up, migraines (oh crossing my fingers I don't want to jinx it!), sensitivity to smell and adverse dislike for certain foods. Thank God.

I am now on to bidding farewell to my high heels and pencil cut skirts and saying hello to unbuttoned pants and maternity tops. Together with this comes a truckload of laziness and whole face covered with zits.

Insomnia has come around the corner too. I've found myself awake at 2 or 3 in the morning so full of energy, as if my mind were so alive. Give it an hour or 2 and then I find myself in dreamland having the hardest time kicking myself awake to get ready for work.

The baby has been doing its job of kicking every once in a while. I feel light flicks through my tummy throughout the day. Pretty exciting.

And then there's this whole paranoia thing I have also been facing. The what if's. What if the baby isn't healthy? What is it comes out not complete? What if there's something wrong? what if I have a miscarriage? Gaaaad.

I've been doing pretty normal for a pregnant gal so far.

No tummy pictures yet. Soon.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


How does one collect oneself after giving birth and get ready to leave a baby barely 3 months old with a babysitter for 9 hours a day?

This was a nightmare I was faced with 2 years ago. I thought it would be easy. After a whole month of staying at home, I felt bored and thought I was ready to go back to my "old" day schedule. Surprisingly, as my 78th day of leave slowly approached, I found myself dreading the thought of walking out of the house at 730 in the morning leaving my baby all day. Although blessed with a bay sitter who had been with us for 4 years, I knew it was still my role to primarily watch over and take care of my children.

The day did come and I tell you, I was filled with an insurmountable amount of guilt. At work, my stomach felt queasy and I would feel my heart skip a beat every once in a while. A lot of my officemates assured me that that's the way things really are now a days, that both parents really have to work to support the family. Words of encouragement would make me feel better for a split second.

I would rush home for lunch to feed the baby and leave as much milk as I could for the next 5 hours I would be away again. B the time I would get home, I would be exhausted from work but I still knew that there would still be so much to do until both children would finally settle down to sleep. And then of course, there would be the wee hours in the morning feedings until the baby was about a year old.

2006 was a tough year. I felt the need to prove myself to myself and to many other people that I knew what I was doing and I could manage to do what I knew I needed to do. And when I would feel I would fail, I felt I would spiral into a depression -- a feeling of not being good enough.

It was a dark period in my life. As if I were drowning.

I dread having to feel that way again. March is just around the corner. Before I know it, the 3rd baby will be in my arms. And soon, I will dread the countdown to my last day of maternity leave before 2006 will flash before my eyes again.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

One Of Life's Toughest Choices

There's a new book out and I so want to read it. It's entitled The Comeback. It's a compilation of stories of women who left their careers to focus on family and after raising their children, decided to make a comeback in their careers.

I cannot speak for the book since I have not read it. But the topic feels very close to my heart because I am a working mom.

In developing countries like ours, it is almost impossible for both parents not to work to earn to support the family. I may be blessed to have a job which I love doing, which is related to the degree I earned and which I see as the career I would want to see myself continue to grow in. But there are so many other people who work because they simply have to. Because if they don't, their families will not have anything to eat. Because again, in countries like where I live, finding a decent job which pays enough is scarce so a lot of people settle for any job that would pay them even just the minimum.

And sadly, discrimination still looms over our heads. Especially for us women. I have seen it. Women who are married with children, married without children or single with children have a harder time looking for a job. Which is why some women upon finding out their pregnant, feel like the life that lies ahead for them is doomed. Others completely lose their confidence after giving birth and decide not to give their careers a second chance.

Motherhood can never be described. To define its importance would be insulting. YET, our government has failed to recognize its importance. If we deliver via normal deliver, we are only given 60 days of maternity leave. If it is via C-section, we have 78 days. The baby will barely be 3 months old by then. There are so many effects felt by both the mother and the baby.

When a mother goes back to work, there is a insurmountable amount of guilt felt. Should I? Shouldn't I just stay home and be with the baby? But if I don't go back to work, who will still want me after 3 years of being at home? You will no longer have negotiating power.

Some spiral into depression. Others go about in their daily routines in confusion. Some question their worth. Some choose to be indifferent. Others adapt beautifully.

But deep in our hearts, we question ourselves. Is it all worth it?

What IS all worth it?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So Many Questions...But The Answers Are So Few

Josh: Mom, who were the very first people in our city long, long, long ago. Like very long, long, long, long - the very first - long, long ago?

Me: (silence. thinking of an answer. but before I could answer...)

Josh: I think it was God.

Me: Uh Huh...

And then he cuts me off again.

Josh: How did God create people? Did he use mechanics? Or clay?

Me: (Carefully putting my thoughts together to avoid a very lengthy conversation which could last for months on just that topic)

But alas, he couldn't wait for my answer.

Josh: You're having a hard time thinking, huh?

Me: ....

Josh: I'm gonna go with clay.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

All Together Now

Want a jaw-dropping-shake-your-head-in-disbelief moment?

Nanny carrying probably a 10 - 11 month old baby. Grandmother pushing stroller. Mother walking behind them. In maternity clothes. Probably 5 or 6 months pregnant.Not sure.

Grandmother parks stroller. Mother sits down and asks for the menu. Nanny and baby sit down.

They get comfortable.

Mother flicks the match and lights her Marlboro. Grandmother asks for a stick and does the same.

Near by, a 26 year old woman, 3 months pregnant drops her jaw and shakes her head in disbelief.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I Can See It Coming

And then from the speakers came...

.... Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...


I mean seriously? Is Christmas already around the corner? I counted, we have 111 days to go but the memories of Christmas '07 still seem so fresh. Morning shows keep featuring everything about Christmas. From where to score beautiful / cool / cheap Christmas decors to tips about how to come up with a reasonable Christmas shopping list without having to max out all your cash.

I can't believe that soon, we will be planning the Christmas dinner menu again. Wrapping gifts - oh no, thinking of ways of how to hide the gifts from the kids and then finding the perfect time in the middle of the dead of the night to wrap them.

It is happening, The 'ber" months have set the mood. Early, early sunsets, the chilly air that greets you when you step outside.

3 more months before we close 2008.

Has is it been a good year for you so far?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Times When We Don't Meet Eye To Eye

Josh: Mom, let's play the guessing game! You go first!

Me: Ok. Guess who's blue...

Josh: Blue! (of Blue's Clues)

Me: Nope. He has a red nose. Long skinny arms and legs.


Me: Ok, he's a puppet monster.


Me: Kids love him (hopeful voice)

Josh: Who's that??!!!

Me: Grover! (Geez)

Josh: Ok, it's still your turn.

Me: Guess who's black and white, is a cat and says "I tot I saw a........"

Josh: Tweety Bird isn't a cat mom.