Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Today Felt Warm

Because I inherited the house of my Dad which he built for my Mom -- for which I am ever so grateful -- I also inherited everything in it. Given that both my parents "went" abruptly and in a span of just 1 1/2 years, there were and still are so many of their things in the house.

When Dad died, Mom and I sort of just left his things the way they were. It was probably our way of coping. His favorite jacket swung over on his chair, his typewriter on the table with an unfinished article. It probably took us a year to finally move those things. Most of his clothes were packed but never really given away. When my Mom died 18 months later, I decided to do the same. In fact, I only got to really sort through her things last year.

Part of my not wanting to touch their things involved the feeling of guilt. I felt that giving away their things meant me forgetting them and removing them from the memories of our home.

Slowly, I realized that I had would have to face the inevitable. With a growing family, I would need more and more space in the house for newer things. I started clearing things out this year, muttering under my breath as if talking to Mom and Dad that this was in no way a sign that I was trying to get rid of memories of them. I was filled with peace.

Today I decided to continue cleaning up. I stumbled across a wooden box. I opened it and saw that they were a bunch of letters of my Mom to my Dad. So I read them, knowing fully that I would end up crying. Just seeing the handwriting of my Mom made me feel so close to her. It was such a familiar feeling seeing her strokes.

Time changes people. Circumstance as well. I may have changed everything between them when I came into this world. They were letters written when they weren't married yet. And they were so full of love and passion -- something I never quite imagined existed when they were both still alive.

I got to know them a little bit more again. And that craving to be with them intensified all the more.

Little by little I will explore more corners of our house and discover more and more things that made it a home over the years.

With tears shed over memories stumbled upon, a heart is made warm.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Ya - Hoo - Oooh!!

I have been dying to blog about this since last week but I was just so scared that I would jinx the whole thing by talking about it too soon. That always happens to me. Anyway. I have HUGE news. I think my 2 year 8 month old IS potty trained. (Choir of angels singing in the background). Add Image

Its been a week since the whole "drama" that ensued last Saturday morning -- with my little one complaining of an "ouch diaper." So far, he has been able to pee and poop in the bathroom. I am crossing my fingers that he will never look back and want to go back to wearing his nappies!!!!

Indeed this is a milestone but also a reminder that my baby is slowly becoming a big boy.

Goodbye size XL nappies!

Hello New Born nappies.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A HUGE Decision

This may be a controversial post to some. For me, I just need your thoughts on it.

In 6 weeks, I will be delivering our 3rd baby. And I have to decide whether this will be my last one. Whether I will decide to permanently say goodbye to the chances of having another baby again.

There are many many things going through my mind right now. I have had sleepless nights just thinking about it. I have been open about my use of contraceptives -- pills and shots. But now I have to decide whether or not I go for a ligation already or not. My husband is 90% sure that I should go for it.

Why go for it?

The first thing that comes to my mind is for health reasons.Well for beginners, this is technically my 4th pregnancy. I had a miscarriage before I had my now 7 year old. And this will be my 3rd C-section. Aside from this, I also am tired physically and emotionally. Raising children is not easy. From the time they are born to the time they become adults ready to face the world on their own. We once had a discussion with my husband where we agreed that the financial obligations of raising a child is a given - no matter how difficult times may get. But the harder part is raising them well to become good men, to see them well into their adult lives knowing that when the time comes to "let them go," you will be able to do so with all confidence. I also feel that I want to be able to completely focus on them. For me (it may not be the same with other moms out there), I can get so caught up and distracted with 2 children more so when the little one comes what more if I add more to the brood?

Why not go for it?

Because I am still pretty young - 26. There are so many what if's as well. What if I will want another one in 5 years? A child is always a blessing no matter what. There are so many other people out there who want to have children but for some reason can't and here I am considering permanently shutting my door to the possibility of being blessed to take care of another baby.

Why not go for other methods?

Because I don't like its effect on me. Playing with my hormones does not seem to agree with me physically. I bloat. I retain water. I get headaches. I don't feel well while on it. Plus I want to be realistic meaning using the "all natural way." In that area, I may say we may not yet be that disciplined.

I'm torn.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

We All Want Happy endings

We brought the kids to watch Bedtime Stories. As usual, Adam Sandler was great. I laughed a lot and the kids generally enjoyed the whole movie. I did for a moment there wish that that could happen in real life. Tell a story to the children before they go to bed and hope that that story would come true the next day. Tell a story about whatever your heart desires -- your innermost desires, your hopes and your wishes, your dreams.

Adam Sandler (while talking to his niece and nephew) said something like, "There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you learn about that, the better."

Point taken, fact proven. Life is harsh.

And we try to protect our children from getting hurt -- physically, emotionally. Up to what point should we protect them?

I try to show my children painful reality. Children begging on the street, why there are vagrants, children abandoned in the orphanage. I tell them that times are hard now -- cut down on eating out, less buying of toys, settling for more affordable brands. Focusing on needs and lessening our wants. Being content with what we have. But I know that life, for them, is still comfortable.

Sometimes I feel that one will never know how difficult life is without experiencing it directly. How can you feel what a beggar feels unless you yourself have to beg? How can one feel what it feels like not to have anything to eat unless you really don't have anything to eat.

It is hard. But that's what reality is.

I wish not for my children to have to go through such. But I also hope that young as they are, they will be able to empathize with those who are not as blessed as they are. I don't want them to live a life forever wearing pink colored glasses.

Friday, January 9, 2009

What A Way To Start The Year

I have a co-worker who was 2 months pregnant ahead of me. Her due date was supposed to be on Monday. Well she went into labor today. But her baby girl died. According to her boss who told me what happened, the umbilical cord of the baby was wrapped around the baby's neck. They didn't do a c-section (I don't know exactly why) so when she was able to bring out the baby, the baby was already dead. It was her first baby.

So sad. So tragic. Paranoia fills me. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I'm going to say when I get to see her. I don't know how I'm going to act.

Is the doctor to blame? Was it fate? I don't know what to think of it. What to think of things like these. Why do they have to happen?

I pray she will get through this.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Happy Birthday Ma


Today you would have turned 61 and I'm sure you would have celebrated it. If Dad were around, he would have joked you about your being older than him again.

I've realized how much I miss you and need you. I find myself yearning to call on you -- to say the word Ma. Now that I have transitioned into a young woman, I often feel that I have so much to ask a mother. From the dishes you used to cook to the people you used to know to advise on how I should handle my marriage. I still have your cellphone number stored in my phone and sometimes I still dial your number knowing fully the voice I will hear on the other end -- "The number you dialed is incorrect."

Now that I have in a small way established myself in this world, I can't help but want so much for you to be around. I want to give back to you all you have done.

3 years. But it still seems like yesterday when everything was OK. I no longer blame the cancer. I've learned to release the anger I felt when the chemo didn't completely cure the cancer. But cancer still pains me and sometimes when I think about it, I get scared. Dreading to ever get it myself.

I am consoled knowing that in heaven there is no cancer, in heaven there are no tears.

I love you Ma.

Happy Birthday!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Welcoming In The New Yaer

Today marks the last day of a wonderful 2 week vacation. Tomorrow I go back to reality. Back to work. Back to waking up early. Back to hectic mornings and drained out evenings.

Last week, we said goodbye to our relatives who flew back to the States and Canada. I felt a huge lump in the my throat. I hate goodbyes. They just appeal to me as events which are very sad.

2008 was the year that was. 2009 is the year that will be. In spite of the many economic problems the world faces now, coupled with so many other implications that accompany it, I still want to look forward to this year with a heart full of hope and faith that things should get better

This year will be a big year for us. My eldest will be graduating from pre school come this March and as he moves on the Grade 1 we will have to decide whether or not to keep him in his old school or move him out to a new one. My 2nd turns 3 in May and also, we will have to decide whether or not to put him in pre school already or wait another year. Come March we will also be welcoming another new member of the family.

My head starts to spin thinking of all the events this year will bring. But at the same time, I would want to believe that is is going to be a great year.

How do you see this year coming along?