Happy Birthday Ma

Ma,

Today you would have turned 61 and I'm sure you would have celebrated it. If Dad were around, he would have joked you about your being older than him again.

I've realized how much I miss you and need you. I find myself yearning to call on you -- to say the word Ma. Now that I have transitioned into a young woman, I often feel that I have so much to ask a mother. From the dishes you used to cook to the people you used to know to advise on how I should handle my marriage. I still have your cellphone number stored in my phone and sometimes I still dial your number knowing fully the voice I will hear on the other end -- "The number you dialed is incorrect."

Now that I have in a small way established myself in this world, I can't help but want so much for you to be around. I want to give back to you all you have done.

3 years. But it still seems like yesterday when everything was OK. I no longer blame the cancer. I've learned to release the anger I felt when the chemo didn't completely cure the cancer. But cancer still pains me and sometimes when I think about it, I get scared. Dreading to ever get it myself.

I am consoled knowing that in heaven there is no cancer, in heaven there are no tears.

I love you Ma.

Happy Birthday!