Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm ready -- or so I thought I was

For the past month or so, I have been reading blogs -- mainly of people with babies, of people with babies with special needs, of new wifeys, of new mommies. And that is the main reason why I decided to start my own blog in the first place, to update whoever about the going on's in my life with my hubby and 2 wonderful little superheroes. And then today, it happened. I decided to write a short something about my mom who passed away because of cancer. And then I decided to search for blogs about cancer -- cancer patients, relatives of cancer patients, cancer survivors. I came acrooss a few. I read them. And then I broke down. I didn't exaclty cry. What, cry in front of my officemates??? No way. I broke down inside. Suddenly all the memories of mom's battle came flooding back.
For the past 3 years I have been telling myself that I was ok, doing just fine, coping with my circumstances just well. Am I to continue doing so despite the fact that deep inside of me I am still shattered?
Psychiatrists are not an IN thing in the Philippines more so in our small city. But I have been looking for one who could help me. Help me revisit my past, talk about my past, listen to my pain, anger, bitterness, hurt, angst, help me realize that it's ok to break inside yet help me discover who I can be in order to be whole again.


I Hate It.

January 7, 1948 - October 23, 2005

I know I need to get this out.

Mom was a smoker. She lit her first cigarette when she was 16 years old. I once asked her how and why she ever started smoking. She said that when she was 16, she was part of a foreign exchange student program. She was sent to Connecticut in 1963 and there she lived for a year. For the first time, she was free. She was exposed to a whole new different culture. According to her, almost all of her friends were into smoking and they all thought that smoking was cool. So she lit her own stick. And she liked it. She never kicked the habbit. She smoked for 41 years only stopping for a year and a couple of months when she got pregnant with me. I asked her, if you were able to quit when I was in your womb, how come you went back to it? She said, she just did.

Although my dad also smoked, my mom was a much heavier smoker. My dad was THE drinker --but that's a whole different story.

I remember when I was a kid, I put up NO SMOKING signs all over the house so that my mom and dad would refrain from smoking inside the house. Growing up, I got used to seeing mom smoke after meals, smoke when she was tense or stressed -- smoke whenever and wherever.

After my dad died in April of 2004, Mom continued smoking. This was her way of relaxing. And then one day, sometime in February 2005, It hit her --she wasn't feeling well anymore.

I miss you Ma...everyday I think of what life would be today if you, me, dad and your grandkids were still all happily living together. I cry -- I still do. I tried to tell myself that things would get better , that I would eventually learn to move on, learn to live without you...but it is so damn hard.

I miss you...someday we will be together again. We will laugh and tell stories just like the old times.

God I miss my mom.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Josh and Dash

6 month old Happy Baby.... The BIG Guy with his way too small bike
I wish they'd remain babies forever =(


Dash turned 6 months yesterday...again, time flies real fast.
I remember how samll and tiny he was when I first saw him after they took him out from my tummy--but he did have a loud cry. I was so worried if he was ok, if he was healthy, if his fingers and toes were complete.
Today, Dash never ceases to amaze me. He has grown into a round cute ball. Full of surprises. He loves playing with his 10 little fat toes. He loves his milk. He enjoys waking me up at 5am. He loves putting everything in his mouth.
I'd do everything for him and his brother. I am so blessed by these two little superheroes!
I love this boy!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Been That Long Ago?

Gosh, It's been 4 days since my last post? Hah just means that I've been that busy. Boy, time sure did fly by.
Dash turns 6 months today!!! Time sure flies by--really.
The weekend was great. Did I ever mention how hectic the house can get during the weekend? With the nanny rushing to finish all chores, cleaning the house, washing the rags, wiping the windows, sweeping the yard, ironing the that all major chores are done by Monday since Monday is laundry day? Oh yeah I did mention that Monday was laundry day. Anyway, so yes the house gets pretty busy on weekends, so I decided to get a Friday our case -- a Saturday lady. So the house was a little more relaxed last Saturday, since the cleaning lady (changed names again) came over to finish the major chores. So I thought that this morning would be a little more relaxing. NOT!!!! Dash was up at 3:46 AM (yup I checked the watch beside me). SO I got up to make a bottle for him. His eyes were shut at first but after gulping down just 2oz'z, his eyes opened and then he started grunting ( the sound he makes while poo'ing). So I thought, great, poop at 3:36AM just great. After a good 15mins of grunting, I got up to check his diaper. No poop. Then he became really grumpy. Now Dash isn't your typical difficult, grumpy baby. In fact he is the complete opposite. So this grumpy mood of his was new to me. Then I remembered, he didn't poop yesterday!!! Arghhhh constipated it is.
So, going back. The weekend was great. great enough. Friday night, we had dinner with my bestfriend (it was her 25th birthday) and no I am not as old as her --yet haha. We spent Saturday morning at home with the two kiddos. In the afternoon, I brought Josh to see my Aunt (wife of Mom's brother) who brought Josh to see Happy Feet. Bot did he enjoy it. Sunday morning, we all went to Sunday worship and then had lunch at the Club House with relatives (Mom's side). My Aunt (sister of Mom) came home from the States. We all had a good time.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


Today, I thought of writing a little bit more about myself, my hubby and my two boys.

As mentioned, I am an early twenty something wife and working mom. I am an orphan and an only child. I was born and bred in Baguio City and have lived here all my life. I had my first child when I was in 3rd year college. I was 19 years old when I delivered Josh. I stopped school for a semester while waiting for my due date. I enjoyed my pregnancy and gained 30 lbs. I labored for 14 long hours just to find out that I was CPD. Josh was already experiencing fetal distress and that's when my OB decided to do an emergency c-section. The first 3 months of Josh were really bad. I experienced post partum depression, I had the worst time breastfeeding, I felt so incompetent as a mother and Josh just wouldn't sleep straight thru the night. When Josh was 1 year 10months, I married hubby. I lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago. Last September, I lost my father-in-law and a month later, I lost my mom. Also, I got pregnant in early September of last year. I was working while pregnant with the second one and was totally stressed out. I tried hard to gain weight during my 1st and 2nd trimester but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I doubled up on my vitamins and pre-natal milk but to no avail. I had pre-term labor at 7 months and went on bed rest for 1 week. My last ultrasound (at 32 weeks) showed that the baby only weighed 2.3kgs pushing my OB to conclude that I may have had a mild case of IUGR. Hubby and I decided to schedule the cesearan delivery on May 27, 2006. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been working with the Human Resource Department of one of the call centers here in our city. So far, I've had my good days and I've had my bad ones in the office (don't we all?!?) but I have been enjoying my job in general. I plan to continue my masters next June when the little one turns a year old. I enjoy keeping the home, doing the groceries, cooking and playing with my 2 boys. I love sushi, buffalo wings and mango shakes,the color pink and pooh bear. I have in the past 4 1/2 years learned to love trucks, blocks, cars and robots. I have given up on the dream of someday having a mini-me princess of my own as hubby and i have decided that life is indeed hard and that our 2 boys are enough to rock our world.

Hubby on the other hand, is a year older than me. He worked as a selling supervisor for one of the malls in our city for 2 years. During his time there, we had no family bonding time since his day off was always ona weekday (when I was at work) and my days off were always on weekends (when he was at work). Hubby loves cars. When he left his job in January of this year, he ventured into 2 businesses. He set up an auto repair shop where they do paint jobs and body repairs for cars and he started his buy-and-sell business of cars. So far, as in all businesses, there are dry months and there are blessed months. Hubby enjoys bringing Josh to the movies and to the mall.

Josh, my eldest was born on February 24, 2002 at 40 weeks and 1 day. He weighed 3.4kgs and was 49.5cm long. APGAR was 9 and 10. He had jaundice and had to be confined in the hospital for 7 days so that he could undergo photolight therapy. During his first year, Josh loved balls. All sort of balls. He loved barney and elmo dearly. He said mama when he was 7months old. turned on his tummy when he was 4 months. He never crawled. Nor did he ever attempt to hold on to something and pull himself up. He took his 1st steps alone when he was 10 3/4 months old. During his second year, he was into match box, blues clues and blocks. He loved chicken and rice and developed a liking for iced tea. Josh never liked the taste of soda drinks and was never a chocolate and cookie eater. When he turned 3, we decided to enroll him in nursery class. This decision came about when both hubby and I were working and realized that it wasn't healthy for Josh to be left home alone with the nanny. His 3rd year was all about sesame street, dora, hot wheels, spiderman, the incredibles and play dough. He potty trained a few months after his 3rd birthday. SHortly after his 3rd birthday, we discovered that he had primary complex and asthma. His primary complex has been treated with 6 months worth of antibiotics but he still gets his asthma attacks at least every 3 motnhs. When Josh turned 4, he learned how to swim. Succeeding weekends were then spent on beach trips to La Union (about an hour's drive from Baguio). Today Josh still drinks milk and sleeps with his 2 ft pooh bear. Up until 2 days ago, Josh was still drinking milk from the bottle.

Dash screamed his way into this world on May 27, 2006 at 38 weeks via a scheduled c-section. He weighed a tiny 2.8kgs and was 49cm long. APGAR was 8 and 9. Surprisingly, he seemed a little more healthier than his big brother Josh. Dash had no jaundice. I breastfed Dash up until he was 5 months and then my milk dried up. His first month was a month of adjustments for all of us at home. After 4 1/2 years, suddenly there was a baby at home again. Dash's sleeping schedule wasn't well formed yet. His second month was a little better. He started to eat voraciously which caused me to lose all the weight I gained during my pregnancy with him. When Dash was 3 months, he developed a better sleeping schedule at night, only waking up to feed. His poopoo schedule also straightened out, with one poop/day basis. On his fourth months, he began to experiment with his voice, gurgling and babbling during his waking hours. He enjoyed it when we would bring him out to the garden to sunbathe. He also enjoys playing on his rocker. Dash turned on his tummy when he was 5 1/2 months. Just recently, I started feeding him cereals and boy does he love eating! Today, Dash is a very active chubby little big baby who never fails to amuse and entertain me, hubby and Josh.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


I've been wanting to post my flickr photos on my blog but I can't seem to do so. Anybody' help truly appreciated =)


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ramblings for the Day

Good Morning world =)
Yup i am feeling a lot better today. sore throat gone, runny nose no longer runny, had a good night's sleep -- oh yeah dash got up at 530 this morning but hubby picked him up from my side and allowed me to snooze off to dreamland for another hour. ah how i love hubby when he does such.
So last night dash fell from the bed...god yes he bad. i know.geez. we were all getting ready for bed. josh was on the mattress watching tv while the little one was on the bed (on his tummy), i was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and hubby was somewhere in the house. and then hubby walked into the room and shouted when he saw dash on the matress. and then dash began to cry and cry and cry. i rushed out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth while trying to demand if dash was alright. josh started to cry. and then chaos. it took a few minutes for all of us to settle down. im guessing that dash started to cry because he got startled with hubby shouting and my panicking. but as soon as everyone settled down, so did dash. the matress on the floor is thick so there were no bumps on dash's head. god i got i noted in dash's baby book: dash's first fall 11-20-06 at 5 3/4 months. which got me thinking of josh's first fall. i went to look for josh's baby book and found that his first fall from the bed was at 10months. he was asleep and then he turned and then !-bump-! yup he got a big bump on his head.
Which got me thinking about the similarities and differences of josh and dash. when I got pregnant the second time, i started to compare my 1st pregnancy to my 2nd pregnancy the moment i found out i was expecting again.
I was a lot bigger during my first pregnancy. i experienced the worst morning sickness which would strike at exactly 6pm every night during my 1st three months. i craved for steak and sweets. i was still studying at that time. i labored for 14 long hours just to find out that i was CPD which meant that they eventually had me undergo c-section. josh came out a healthy 3.4kgs 49.5cm baby.Oh yeah, I gained 30 freakin pounds when i carried josh.
I was a lot smaller with dash. i figured that it was that way because i experienced too much stress during my first trimester. i got pregnant early september 2005. september 27, hubby's dad passed away. when october arrived, my mom was confined in the hospital. i would travel down to manila (5hours away from home) every weekend until october 23 when mom finally decided to go home to her heavenly dwelling. i never experienced morning sickness with dash, i had no cravings. and since i was CPD, my OB informed that i would forever have to deliver via c-section. so my delivery was scheduled. dash came out a smal 2.8kg 49cm baby. i only gained 16 lbs with dash.
A lot of people say that the second baby is a lot easier to handle. im guessing that this is true because of 'experience.' josh seemed to be a real fussy baby. sleepless nights were until josh was 4months. i was a young mom then (19 years), not fully knowing how to handle a baby. i had the worst experience with breastfeeding, i hated it actually. bathing josh was hubby's duty up until josh could hold his head up by himself. i was too scared! recovery took the longest time. I couldn't sit and stand by myself until about the 3rd week post delivery. weight loss was the worst. and although josh was born a bigger baby, weight gain/ month was kinda slow.
As soon as dash was handed over to me, small as he was, it was as if i knew what to do with him right away. Although he didn't latch on properly right away, I loved the feeling of cuddling him while breastfeeding him. i was able to sit and stand by myself 2 days post delivery. as soon was we got home from the hospital, i gave dash his first bath. i lost the 16lbs i gained in a month. i also noticed that i was a lot more at ease with dash. i never had too many panicky moments with him. dash also gains an average of 1 kg per month. so now, he already weighs 8kgs at only 5 3/4 months =)
No two people will ever be the same. Inspite of and despite their differences, I love my boys dearly and will do anything for them, anytime =)

Monday, November 20, 2006

They Make Me Smile

God I love My Boys

Manic Monday

Weekend over...Back to reality...
The weekend wasn't as fun as it usually is. Saturday morning I woke up with an itchy- scartchy throught, runny nose and a headache. Sunday was a bit better. We woke up early enough and went to church. We usually eat luch out after service but this time, hubby requested we go home for lunch so that he could catch Pacquiao's bout with Morales.
Monday mornings are always the busiest for me. Monday is laundry day. So our yaya (nanny) wakes up early in the morning to start the laundry so that she's done by the time we have to leave the house. So this means that when dash, (that's baby superhero) wakes up at 530am, I have to get up as well arrghh ( i usually turn the little one over to the nanny and go back to sleep till about 630). since yaya is busy with the laundry, i cook breakfast, clean and tidy up the rooms, take a bath and then bathe dash and josh (little superhero 1) and prepare josh for school. So by the time I reach the office, Im about ready to sleep LOL. Waaah. And a couple of minutes ago, when I got to the office, I was once again reminded about the load of work I have left to finish -- stacks of gov't mandated registration forms ready for processing a box full of folders waiting to be noticed...ahhh.
Anyway, away with the pessimism...I am actually looking forward to this week. My aunt (mom's youngest sister) arrived from the States last night. So this week will be spent enjoying "mini reunions" with family and friends. It's also my best friends birthday on Friday, we will be celebrating it at her house on Saturday.
Mondays may be hectic but I guess I just have to get used to living and loving it =)

Friday, November 17, 2006

Self Assuring

Just a quick post, I came across this blog. All you mommies out there check this out =)

Of Beaches and Beyond

Last weekend, hubby and I together with a couple of our closest friends -- 7 to be exact, went on a mini vacation in Boracay! Oh yes, we spent 3 days child-free...3 whole days to ourselves just relaxing, SLEEPING straight through the night and chit chatting by the beach with friends. Oh yes, I definitely had that guilty feeling but I reminded myself that yes, I do need time for myself sometimes. Hubby's mom, ok fine my mother in law, volunteered to sleep over at our house to watch over the 2 little super heroes. There were no alarming updates from her while we were gone, in fact, she told us that she wouldn't mind staying another night if we decided to extend out vacation!!! LOL! No we didn't extend. So anyway, back to our Boracay getaway....
For those of you who haven't heard of Boracay (who hasn't heard of this world class beach!?!?!?!), it is located in the Visayas province of Kalibo. Anyway, it has a spectacular beach...with powdery white sand and crystal blue water. Bora is also known to be a party place -- with bars, discos and pubs lined along the shore. Beer and cocktails are served 24 hours a day. It a perfect place to unwind with friends , i must say. So went I went there earlier this year, I wasn't quite able to enjoy the whole Bora party place mood since I was 5 months pregnant!!! So this vacation was really my chance of enjoying the Boracay beach party mode.

God we had a blast. The friends we went with were my classmates from elementary. Yes we are very close friends. Even our parents are very close. So anyway, my friends and I were able to sun bathe ( i actually burned the hell out of my skin) while we shared out never ending stories about everyone and everything, had yummy fruit shakes by the shore, swam in the ever so clean beach and we even had a lobster dinner! It was my first time to eat lobster by the way. After dinner we hung out and shared a few drinks. Incidentally, it was also sort of a going away party for one of my friends who will be elaving for Singapore in Saturday to work there...sad.

Hubby and I returned to reality on Sunday night, tired, exhausted but totally refreshed.

The next morning, I tried oh yes I tried to open my eyes but they just couldn't bring themseleves to open themselves! So I called the Boss and asked her if I could take the morning off. Luckily, she agreed. So I reported back to work in the afternoon.

I so can't wait for the next vacation. We're targetting Palawan but this time with our two little superheroes in tow =)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

I am This

For the past month or so, I have managed to amuse myself by reading blogs of other people. Yes, I manage to do that while working! So I said to myself, why not amuse other people too =)

For starters, allow me to share with you a little part of who I am and eventually, as I master this craft, I will slowly share a bigger part of my little worl with you readers.

I am an early twenty something working mom and wife to three wonderful boys. My 2 little boys are ages 4 yrs & 10months and 5 1/2 months and my little big boy is -- hubby!

My dad succomed to liver cirrhosis last April 7, 2004 and my mom battled cancer until October 23, 2005.

So far, I have been managing myself pretty well -- caring for my two little super heroes and being a loving wife while caring for a home and working my ass off to contribute to the financial needs of our house.

Welcome to my world =)