Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm ready -- or so I thought I was

For the past month or so, I have been reading blogs -- mainly of people with babies, of people with babies with special needs, of new wifeys, of new mommies. And that is the main reason why I decided to start my own blog in the first place, to update whoever about the going on's in my life with my hubby and 2 wonderful little superheroes. And then today, it happened. I decided to write a short something about my mom who passed away because of cancer. And then I decided to search for blogs about cancer -- cancer patients, relatives of cancer patients, cancer survivors. I came acrooss a few. I read them. And then I broke down. I didn't exaclty cry. What, cry in front of my officemates??? No way. I broke down inside. Suddenly all the memories of mom's battle came flooding back.
For the past 3 years I have been telling myself that I was ok, doing just fine, coping with my circumstances just well. Am I to continue doing so despite the fact that deep inside of me I am still shattered?
Psychiatrists are not an IN thing in the Philippines more so in our small city. But I have been looking for one who could help me. Help me revisit my past, talk about my past, listen to my pain, anger, bitterness, hurt, angst, help me realize that it's ok to break inside yet help me discover who I can be in order to be whole again.


I Hate It.

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