You came into his life - my Dad's. You made him believe he would feel better, that he would forget his problems, that his pain would lessen. And for a time, I think he actually believed you. But you broke my Mom's heart. You made it difficult for her but she stuck through it. She tried so hard to make you leave but you wouldn't. My Dad got so addicted to you. I saw how you destroyed my Dad. He was so full of talent, of passion for what he loved doing but you came into his life and distracted him. You hurt him. I got angry at you. I despised you. My Mom and I despised you. And the worse thing? You took my Dad away. You burned his liver. You made him suffer.
I saw how it almost destroyed my Mom and Dad's marriage. So many times I found myself crying. You always distorted my Dad's perception of things. People disliked him when he drank you - even his own family. You took him away. You did him no good. You killed him.
Before it does the same to the family I have right now, stop. I don't want to be rude. So before I slam the door in your face, please leave.
He's my Dad's dog. CB, short for Charlie Brown came to us over 13 years ago. A month before we got CB, we had a black cocker-terrier named Bozzy. Bozzy was a naughty, naughty dog who became such a huge part of our family that when he was ran over, we grieved and mourned his death. My Dad, Mom and I thought that the best way to help ourselves move on would be to get a new dog.
CB was very different from Bozzy. He was gentle and mellow although he was a barker. On the day my Dad died in 2004, it was as if CB knew. He never yapped as much since then.
I am very scared about facing the day when CB will go to dog heaven. Given that he is 13 years old - human years, he is pretty old in dog years. I don't think I will ever want to get another dog after CB for fear of getting too attached again.
Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.
As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.
Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.
Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?
I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.
Today I don't really know what to say. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Last night's thinking and pondering left me so exhausted. My heart was beating so fast all through the night that it woke me up more than just a couple of times. I've never been able to just "let things be." I don't know if that's good or bad.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
Going back, today I found myself just thinking and thinking. And thinking and thinking. I kept praying and have been praying. I know I need to trust God on this even if right at this moment I am finding it hard to believe in what I am saying and in what I want to believe in. God is in control and I know He will never let me go.
Tomorrow, I wonder. I hope. I trust. I'm still thinking and tomorrow, I'll probably still be thinking.
For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.
More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.
That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.
I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.
I just read a post written by Alicia. It seems like in the 3 years that I have been blogging, I have never really talked about my job. Funny. Funny because it has been such a huge part of my life since I started working 5 years ago.
I started working when I was a senior in college. It was a part time job as an English tutor. I wanted to work because I wanted to earn a little bit more to help buy my son's milk and diapers. I was still depending on allowance from my Mom and my then boyfriend was also still studying.
Right after graduation, I took a 'break' for 2 months before landing myself a "real" job. I got a job as a human resource assistant at a call center. I met a lot of people and dedicated a lot of my time to my job. Too much time that I prioritized it over my husband and my child. I just wanted to be a go getter and reach the top right away. I was young and thought that my career was all that made me happy. My being too idealistic would always test my emotions as I always got frustrated when things wouldn't go my way. After 3 1/2 years, I got a call from a bank who was inviting me to join their human resources department as a recruitment and placement officer. I decided to move out of the call center and join the bank.
A few days ago, I 'celebrated' my 2nd year with the bank.
Basically, we recruit employees. We cover the northern region of our country, encompassing 10 provinces. Aside from that, we cater to the needs of our internal customers- our employees- when it comes to their needs like updating of records, processing of benefits, etc. It's a job I have always wanted to have since I took up Human Resource Development as an elective when I was a psychology major in college. I couldn't ask for more. Up to a certain point, it gives me a certain level of satisfaction, the pay is not all that but it does pay enough for the needs and the little wants of our family and I like the people I work with.
But it had to take me pails of tears, numerous heartbreaking moments and a thousand rolls of tissue for me to realize that it's not all that. I am thankful for my job but I am more thankful for the realization that nothing should come first before God, my husband and my children. 5 years ago, I made my work my life. I wouldn't care if my kid would be left at home even on Sundays because I had to do overtime or even my husband would be pissed that I had to stay in the office till late. What I wanted was to be on top of my game at work. I wanted to please my boss. I had to make an awesome impression. I wanted that promotion so bad. And I never got any of what I wanted.
Today, I enjoy what I do. There are days when I look forward to going to work but there are days when I would just rather be at home. But I am reminded that I am blessed with a job so I might as well do the best that I can in what I am doing. But I know in my heart that God, Jet, Josh, Dash and Arrow come first. So without hesitation, I say no to my boss when I know my husband or children need me. They do not need to tell me they need me, I just know when they do.
I often dream of being a stay at home mom. If only our country had more opportunities for mothers to work from the home. Or if I had more capital to set up a stable business. But for now, I will be thankful for what I have.
This is the longest that I have breastfed and I am loving it. The problem is, I think my milk is not enough. During the day, my baby drinks formula but once I get home I nurse him. The reason why I am saying that I feel that my milk isn't enough is because he nurses almost every 2 hours through the night. Although he doesn't really wake up, he becomes restless and automatically latches on once the 'food' is offered to him. I don't want to stop breastfeeding and what I want to know now is how to increase my milk supply. I have been taking supplements, drinking a lot of water and soup but it still isn't enough.
No candy for the little one...So he got an apple Deciding on which candy to eat first...strictly 1 candy/day He picked his candy for the day-- NERDS Halloween isn't such a big thing in our country yet. So this is as far as they got to getting treats.
People often judge me as a snob- or a person not easily approachable. I do agree to a certain level. I have encountered so many people telling me, "The first time I met you, I thought you would be hard to get along with but after getting to know you, I think you're really a nice person." I am not trying to flatter myself, please. But really, I do get those comments ALWAYS.
As I have grown older, I've realized that maybe that's my "wall," the front I put up because I am a shy person, really. Sometimes insecure and lacking in confidence when placed in a huge group of people. When I am unsure of the crown you put me in, I have the tendency to withdraw and wait for people to approach me. If no one approaches me - because of their perception of me-- that of being a snob, then I don't make the first move.
I have also always preferred to limit the people I choose to bare my soul to. In the office, I am comfortable with 3 or 4 of my officemates - people whom I can easily talk with, laugh with, express my rants to. As for the others, a polite smile and a nod every once in a while is enough. I have a circle of friends and the number of real, real, real friends I have can be counted on one hand. I have also figured that it's a choice I have made. I may have acquaintances, but I chose to maintain the relationship on that level.
I admire people who have a lot of friends, who are able to easily mingle with people they've met for the first time. I can't help but be amazed by people who can converse and build rapport with complete strangers.
Sometimes I wonder whether it's good or bad. I ask myself if it will affect my survival skills.
I woke up to the sound of the rain. Storm's probably coming. The sun wasn't up yet. I took a look at my 7 month old who had been awake for some time already. - 4 years ago, I got a call. A call nobody would have wanted to ever receive. "She had a cardiac arrest. But they were able to revive her" said my Aunt. As I look back, at that point, I think I thought I was ready and prepared. "Make sure you sign the do no resuscitate form tita (aunt)" I said. I woke up my husband and told him we had to leave for Manila.
I don't really remember the 5 hour trip down to Manila. Along the express way, we stopped to gas up. As we were pulling out of the gas station, my phone rang. "Lou, your Mama went to heaven na" said my Aunt. I also don't remember what I said. I remember I started texting all my friends and my Mom's friends telling them Ma had gone. I got a couple of calls. I remember getting one from a very close family friend and church mate and since it was a Sunday, she passed the phone to our other church mates. I got a call from my boss. And then from my then best friend.
Upon reaching the hospital, we went straight to the ICU but by then, they had brought her to the morgue already. I don't know why I didn't break down. We went to the morgue and they asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. My husband did. He came out and told me she was cold already. We started making arrangements about bringing her to the funeral parlor. - I think I may have been trying to deny so many feeling for the past 4 years. But today I come face to face with them. I regret a lot of things. I wish I had resigned and taken care of her instead. I wish I stayed with her. I wish I told her it wasn't ok with me for her to live. I wish I were there when she went into a cardiac arrest. I wish I took a look at her at the morgue. I wish I didn't pretend to be strong.
Today more than anything, I wish she were still alive. - I miss you Mom, so so so so much. I thought it would get better as the years went by. I really miss you Ma. I love you. Happy 4 years in heaven.
There this certain thing I have been going through lately. Maybe it's because I can feel that I'm not getting any younger? Lately, I have been so conscious about wanting to feel and look younger than I really am. I did feel these feelings every once in a while in the past but this year - especially after I gave birth- has been way more different.
For example, my hairdo counts a lot. If in the past I didn't really care about how it made me look, for as long as it was stylish and a 'wash'n wear' do, I would be perfectly fine with it. But now? I want it to make me look younger. Aside from that, I try to be careful about the clothes I wear. Not that I wear clothes that would make me look like I were in highschool, but I am careful to choose cuts and styles that would complement my over all look. And lastly, I have started investing in anti aging skin products. Suddenly, the fine lines around my eye area matter so much!
Some say women start feeling this when they reach 30. True or false? I have a few years before I reach the BIG 3-0. While men undergo this stage when they reach 40. Fact or myth?
I can't help but laugh at this thing I'm going through. With 3 kids, I am extremely conscious about wanting to look and feel good. Suddenly it is such a HUGE deal for me. I have been more conscious about the food I eat, the number of hours of sleep I get.
So who shares the same sentiments? Please raise your hands.
I wonder what today will bring. It's shining outside but the wind is chilly. Classes have been suspended in the preschool level. There's another super typhoon that's going to hit our country in a day or two. They say it will be as strong as the past 2 typhoons which brought so much destruction to our country. I wonder what tomorrow will be like.
It's 7:45 in the morning and I can't believe I have the time to blog. How is this happening? My 7 month old baby is on antibiotics to cure his upper respiratory tract infection. He was up most of the night because he was feeling very uneasy- so was I. I wonder when he will get well.
I wonder what today will be like in the office? Yesterday, my boss was absent but I still felt like I ad such a long day yesterday. I wonder when my workdays will feel light and easy and fun.
I wonder how Jet and I will be today. Yesterday we got into an argument- more than once actually. I wish our disagreements would stop. It's tiring and a waste of time.
And I don't know why I always keep forgetting that life is a continuous journey, a never ending learning process where sometimes, we have to get hit real hard to finally learn our lessons. I may have forgotten that everyday, we learn new things. I've discovered that I haven't really defined who I am. I often still catch myself torn between opinions. Sometimes scared or unsure to voice out what I really feel or believe in for fear that people would judge me.
I've discovered that my emotions play a major, major role in my life. Sometimes, I feel extremely needy and lonely that when someone offers to do something nice for me or offer me help, I get extremely "high" and feel like never wanting that feeling of feeling special to ever go away. To the point where I dread that " special" moment to end.
I think a lot. I talk to myself a lot - silently in my head. I contemplate about a lot of things.
I wonder why people can be so selfish. I wonder why people can be so insensitive.
I've been going through this phase where I want to relive some parts of my life of before. Particularly times when my Mom and Dad were alive. I don't know how I survived those years when I lost them. I can't say things have gotten better- or worse. There's still that yearning, you know? And no matter what anybody says or does, no one will ever be able to love me the way they loved me. And the thing that slaps me in the face right now is that I can't seem to stop yearning for that same old feeling. It stabs me. It pains me.
On some days, I try to be jolly and bubbly. I fear people may already think I'm a weirdo. But what the heck, there are more weirdos out there. I don't know how to deal with certain things sometimes. I've cut down on crying. I don't like talking about it that much to anyone because I feel it's tiring to listen to.
So that's why maybe I write sometimes. Yes, that's why I write. In the middle of my journaling my everyday life with my kids, I sometimes find myself carving a space in this blog of mine to release my truth, my reality. One things that I know for sure is that I can't escape reality. I may try to ignore it, even pretend not to see it but it catches up with me and screams at me.
One thing I know is that I haven't lost the faith. When I'm on the brink of hopelessness, I am reminded. And then I pray.
When things start making sense, chaos sets in. Then I ask myself what all this is about. Then again, I tell myself not to expect any answers. I shake my head and roll my eyes.
It was a birthday party my very close friend Debbie planned for her son Ichigo months before but because of the weather, a lot of those plans had to change. Nonetheless, we brought the kids to party and they had a blast. Most of our friends were unable to attend so most of the guests were the friends of Debbie's Mom and they brought along their grandchildren.
Seriously, the grannies had a blast spoiling their grandkids rotten. They ate cake and lots of candies and some were even allowed to drink soda! They were sort of laughing at my kids because I had to take charge and control their sugar intake. They were all telling me that if my Mom were alive and had the chance to be with my kids, she'd do the exact same thing. And knowing my Mom, she would really do that.
Dash was and has always been intrigued by Ichigo and even asked "Can Ichigo also be my brother? So I'll have 2 Arrows. Please Moms?"
I was also just really happy to get together with Debbie. Decent adult conversations with my girlfriends can be very, very therapeutic especially if you live in a house full of testosterone infested creatures all under 4 feet- oh yeah and a five foot nine male creature who refuses to understand stiletto's and beautiful handbags.
He's the most laid back kid I have ever had. He doesn't really have a schedule. He eats when he wants to, sleeps when he wants to and plays when he wants to. Not that he is an unpredictable kid, it's just that, of my 3 children, he's the least who has had to submit to my rigidity. Because I am such an OC mother, I have learned to sit back and just let it flow-- and I am very proud of that. If today doesn't turn out as good as yesterday, I don't try to re-run all the events of yesterday and try to reconstruct what I did today to pin point what I did wrong.
There were hardly any cars on the roads today- people saving on gas or maybe because they don't have anymore gas at all. We asked our messenger to buy lunch and he had a hard time looking for a place to buy our food. 3 restaurants were closed including KFC. Ironically, he was able to get us chicken and burgers at McDonalds.
Older folk have been talking about this same situation being almost similar to almost 19 years ago during the 1990 killer quake- of course things were much worse then. So I've been trying to remember 19 years ago when we ourselves were evacuees. I don't remember much except for a few very vivid memories. I do remember my Mom being very worried. And I do remember my Dad wanting us to leave the evacuation center where we had been staying for 2 weeks. I remember him something like, "You want to keep staying there? The old woman has tuberculosis for all we know." And I don't think I could quite understand the tension brewing between him and my Mom and my aunts and my grandparents. But now I know it must have been terrifying for them.
There's hardly any meat in the market. No fish since fish is brought up from the lowlands. Vegetables are priced 4-5 times the regular price. Our city has even run out of caskets.
There's a whole lot going through my head right now. I'm extremely thankful that my family is safe but my heart goes out to all those who are shattered right now- those who have lost their homes, those who lost their loved ones in the landslides. Our office put together boxes of relief goods, mostly clothing. It's heartbreaking.
The sun finally shined. After 6 whole days of stormy weather I thought I wouldn't see the sun anymore. It had been a crazy week. Classes were cancelled since Tuesday and office hours at the bank were so unpredictable. The lights went on and off. The rains were deafening and the winds were terrifying. Finally, on Friday, the rains decided to calm down and only then did we realize how much damage was done to our city.
We had 7 major landslides, one killing at least 50. All 3 major roads leading to our city have been closed. Gas stations have cordoned off their pumps since gas has run out and according to one city official, we have at least 2 days worth left of basic commodities. I'm worried.
The mayor has cancelled classes for all levels until Wednesday.
Other than that, we are all safe.
I can hear the kids squealing and running and playing on their bikes outside. That's a good sign, at least. For now.
Before heading back home, we passed through areas in Manila which just a few hours before was submerged in flood water.
While listening to the news on the radio, they were talking about climate change as the culprit who caused the flooding in Metro Manila.
I thought to myself, yes there have been so many eerie changes happening to our planet causiing so much calamities and destructions. But I think we should all just stop pointing fingers and stop rationalizing. Garbage is one major problem. Illegal logging is another. Over commercializing areas which are not meant to be commercialized is another as well. Pollution has caused great damage. Will we learn? Will we say enough is enough? Will we accept our faults and do something about it? We should. Why wait for another tradegy to happen? Why wait for so many lives to be lost?
I don't remember the last time I saw the sun shining. I miss the warmth of the sun on a chilly "ber" month. It has been stormy the past 5 days and I haven't been enjoying the weather that much.
Today the bank I work for decided to declare early closure because of the horrible weather. I was more than happy to know that I could start packing my bag a little before 4PM. The whole day, all I could think about was being home with the kids (since classes were suspended for pre school and grade school). So as soon ans the clock ticked 4, I called my husband and told him I was ready to be picked up.
On the way home, I got to start thinking, until when will I feel this way? Until when will I be all too excited to go home and be with the kids? Since I gave birth to my 3rd child, I have been extremely "into the kids." Not as if I wasn't into them before but this time, I feel different. The feeling of just wanting to be with my family is much, much stronger now. In the past, I seemed to have so many other things I wanted to do other than to just be with the family. While my husband drove home, I was thinking, what would life be 5 or 10 or 15 years from now? When my eldest would be in college and the middle and the youngest in highschool? When they will have their own schedules and interests and friends and priorities. I'm afraid. What will I do then? What will I rush home to?
No. Don't remind me that you only have 5 months left of babyhood. I do not want to think of you're taking your first step because that will mean you will be able to walk away from me. I will enjoy ever minute of carrying you even if some say I'm spoiling you by never putting you down.
Everyday I look at you and always whisper a prayer, thanking the Lord for blessing me with such a precious little guy. In the middle of the night when you wake up to feed, I always make sure to just look at you. To look at your face, your hands and everything else about you.
I talk about you to everyone, even if they don't ask. I tell them stories about you even if some may not even be interested.
I don't know what it'll be like tomorrow, next year or 10 years from now. But one thing is for sure sweetie, you will always be my precious.
I mean, where the heck have I been? Rediscovering myself I guess. I was seriously thinking of deleting this blog. But I know we -bloggers, all go through this phase at one point or another. But I thought about the 3 years I poured my heart and soul into this, was I willing to just throw it all away? I thought of deleting and then starting a new blog again somewhere-- but what about all the wonderful friendships I have developed over the years? I'm not good at throwing such away. I thought of doing so because at one point, I realized that I wasn't being true to myself and to my readers. I figured that what was pushing me to the brink of pushing the "delete" button was I was not utilizing my blog to its fullest.
With that said, I am going to be extremely true to me and to you. No arguments please. No room for debate. Just my purest thoughts and intentions with the ope of being able to find myself again, to keep treasured friends and discover so much more wonderful people out there.
Last weekend was hell. I tagged along with my husband because he was to join another one of his car races in Manila. We knew there was a storm coming but when we left or house, the sun was actually shining. By the time we got to the express way, the rain started to pour heavily and there were policemen waving their hands. We stopped and asked what was the matter and they told us that certain areas along the highway were already flooded. We decided to take the nearest exit and wait till the rain stopped. Fat chance. We were stranded for 9 hours and for the 1st time in my life I feared for my life. We were able to find a high enough ground where we parked the cars but when you looked to both sides, you could see that the waters were already rising. My husband tried to find food while I waited in the car. I was crying and praying. And at that point all I wanted to do was to hug my children. My husband came back without any food. He said he was too scared to proceed because the flood waters were up to his thighs already. So we stayed in the car and waited and listened to the news on the radio. At around 11PM, we heard that the highway was pretty clear. We took our chances even if the waters were still up to the tires of our car. Luckily, we got to proceed. We were hoping to make a u-turn and proceed back home but we were informed that the Northbound lane of the highway was closed because there were certain areas where the flood waters were neck deep. So we decided to proceed to Manila. We spent the night there and then headed back home the next day.
When we got home, my 3 year old had fever. The next day he couldn't eat because his mouth was full of mouth sores. It was horrible. The next day, he seemed to be feeling much better but then my 7 year old had caught the fever and was complaining of a sore throat. I had to go to work. In the afternoon, our house help sent me a message informing me that my 6month old had fever as well. Both Josh and Arrow had fever through the night and the next day, Arrow didn't want to drink milk from me and from the bottle. I brought them to their pedia for their check up. Apparently, it was a viral infection. After a day, they were all pretty OK already.
I have a huge mouth sore on my right tonsil, a runny nose and a throbbing head.
But I am thankful that the storm has passed. Google it. You'll see how affected the Philippines is.
And I wonder, is there hope for our country?
I'm feeling yucky- physically. But much better- emotionally.
He swam for 7 hours and after 2 days of paracetamol and mucolytic, we found ourselves in the ER. His Pediatrician felt it better we treat his pneumonia in the hospital - against my pleading. How would our arrangements be? There was a 6 month old baby waiting for me at home but I knew I had to be beside my 3 year old.
This was his first time to be admitted to a hospital.I am thankful that there was no drama in the ER. His IV was inserted without a hitch. He was extremely cooperative and didn't complain 1 bit except for when they were about to do an x-ray. I despise "cold, detached" health care workers who fail to make the patient feel safe and secure. So I had to do a bit more prodding at the x-ray room while the very impatient x-ray technician tapped his foot while waiting for a very scared 3 year old to subject himself to what the kid felt was a scary procedure.
The husband stayed with him through the night because I had to feed the littlest one through the night. I must say, Dash was such a trooper.
We were hoping to be discharged after 48 hours but his pediatrician thought otherwise. I would stay in the hospital the whole day and would leave when Dash would be asleep. I would come home feeling guilty and lonely. Looking for the normal.
Finally, today, Dash's pediatrician found Dash fit to continue his medications at home.
Sure it was a time of testing for us again. But I realized that in adverse circumstances, complaining never gets the job done. Being thankful is the best thing to do.
Everytime I would go to the hospital in the morning, I would have to pass by the PICU and I would have to see this little guy hooked up to a respirator and I would have to see the worried, sad, heartbroken faces of his family.
There are certain events I know are engraved in my heart. Often times, they cross my mind. Sometimes I choose to deny them access to my heart, I try to think of happier times. Seldom do I allow myself to live and relive those moments. That seldom is today.
I woke up at 6 or even a little before 6. Excited may never be right term. Anxious maybe. Scared a better word. We were to leave for Manila and bring Mom to St. Luke's Hospital -- for her to get the best medical care. They wheeled her down to where the ambulance was waiting. One of her good friends, Auntie June, rode with her in the back. when she was safely secured, I took my seat in front beside the driver. I was holding my Bible and a slice of banana bread. I don't remember the last time I ate. As we drove, I tried to take a bite of the bread because I suddenly felt hungry. So I did. And then I remembered why we were going to Manila then suddenly, I completely lost my appetite. I decided to read my Bible.
There was a funeral procession when we reached one of the provinces. It didn't mean anything to me. Or I didn't want it to mean anything to me. I watched the family members cry and mourn.
The trip just took around 4 hours. When we got to the hospital, my aunt was waiting for us there. Mom went through the regular pre admission screening and then we finally brought her to her room.
My aunt, who is a pre school teacher, had all of her students make get well cards for my Mom which she decorated the room with. Shortly after my Mom was settled on her bed, my other aunt (Mom's eldest sister) called. Mom broke down. This was the first and the last time I heard my Mom cry her heart out about her cancer. I cried. My aunt cried. My Moms friend cried. We cried. And then we had a hearty lunch of KFC chicken, mashed potatoes and coleslaw.
I miss you Mom. So much. I feel so lonely. I am full of joy with my 3 boys but a lot of times I crave for some decent adult conversation. It's the little things I miss. My being able to rant to you knowing fully that even if you didn't agree with me, I wouldn't feel as though I am being judged for how I feel or how I view things. Being able to ask you how to make certain dishes that I loved to eat when I was growing up. To gossip with someone. To share stories of the kids. You understood me Mom, you always got me. I'm lonely. You are one of the very, very, very few with whom I can be myself and when I am not with you, I miss myself too.
I still question God every once in a while and then I am reminded that for everything, there is a reason. I haven't understood His ways and I may never be able to do so. So each day, I remind myself that you are in a better place. By doing so, I also remind myself to stop being selfish.
But it doesn't change the fact that I miss you so.
Tomorrow I'll try to go on again with my life. Half heartedly convincing myself to keep my head up high, fill my heart with joy and live in contentment.
Last weekend, we --the whole family, took a trip down to Manila to enjoy the long weekend. I was a nervous wreck about how Arrow would take the 5 hour travel time. Turned out he was such an awesome trooper!
The hubby had a grand time at his autocross race.
I had a great time with my best friends. As my eldest son put it, "Mommy, did you have a splendid time with your friends?" Splendid it is.
There's this really funny feeling I only started to feel when I became a mother. And I do not know what words to use to describe it. But let me talk about it.
When you have children, priorities suddenly change. If in your past no child yet years, you could splurge your money on whatever your heart desires, when you have a child although you do want that something, you know you aren't supposed to spend all your money on that. When you have children, there are many things you can;t do anymore. Things like making a trip to the salon anytime you want to. Having a kid demands proper time management especially if you are a working mom. When you have a child, your circle of friends start to become smaller - especially if you're like me where I decided to have kids when all my other friends were still enjoying their reckless college years.
In short, having children demands a lot of change. Having children can be very tiring and toxic. It can drain the hell out of us. It can bring us to tears -- tears of joy and tears of frustration. It can make us want to just bury our heads in the sand-- forever. It can make us think and re-think about whether we made the right decision. It can drive us crazy.
And so, so many people tell us to 1. take a break 2. take it easy 3. spend some time alone. And I believe we believe them when they tell us that. But we don't want to.
Like let's say, we're carrying baby the whole day and our back is aching like hell. And then someone kindly offers to carry baby so that we can sit down for a while, probably eat a snack or read the papers or watch T.V. But do we? No, as soon as they get baby from us, we either wash the dishes, fold the clothes, wipe the counters -- do something to keep us busy. On a larger scale, when someone says, go on a vacation and leave your kids with me and do not for one second worry about them, do we? Well we may go on that a vacation, but we will probably spend every second on the phone checking on the kids.
Is it the inability to relax that we should call it? Is it the worry bone in our body that gives us that discomfort?
Everytime I hear or read about people battling cancer, my heart breaks. I find it still to be such a sore spot in my heart. When I heard that our former presidentCorazon C. Aquino was battling colon cancer, I thought to myself, "Indeed cancer does not pick anyone." When I heard that she was admitted to the hospital over a month ago and was in the ICU, I could not help but remember my Mom and her last month of her life which she spent in the hospital -- 3 weeks in a private room and her last in the ICU.
I was barely 4 years old when Cory Aquino became president of our country. I could hardly understand what the 1986 EDSA revolution was really all about. But what I did know was, our country was finally free from the Marcos regime. I remember my mom keeping in touch with her sister- my aunt who was living in Manila during the 1986 coup attempt. I don't really remember much about her 6 year presidency. But as I grew older, I started to learn more and more about what she and her husband Ninoy Aquino did for our country.
In the recent years, when our country would celebrate EDSA day and Ninoy Aquino Day, I would feel more and mpre for my country.
Last week, when former president Aquino passed away, I was again given an opportunity to reflect on many things.
There were basically two major thoughts that crossed my mind. First, I don't think I will ever feel the same way ever for my country again more so, for a former president of our country. I started to think of what the future held for the Philippines. Ninoy and Cory to me stood for democracy. I don't think graft and corruption were the main criticisms thrown against Cory Aquino but rather her ability to run the country - given that she was a former housewife and although most will not admit, and a woman. But she managed. She did. And she carved her name in Philippine history. Thoughts like, does our country still have hope? What now that an icon of democracy is gone? Second, how painful it is for former president Cory Aquino's family to have to cope with the loss of not just a former president, but with a mother. Losing a loved one is never easy, is never wanted. But yes, it is the inevitable.
Just thinking of that made me relive the memories of 2005 when my mom battled lung cancer. I didn't find myself crying this time. I thought maybe I am finally moving on. But the aching in my heart was so real. I am still trying to come to terms with so many things. Things I have tried to dismiss and push away- to hide and pretend they do not matter. I have guilt. I have anger. I have frustrations. But facing them allows me to come to terms. I'm not yet there but I know I'm almost there.
President Aquino's life made an impact in many people's lives. Her death changed lives.
I refuse to admit that time flies. I want time to freeze-- forever.
I want you to be my cuddly, sweaty, drooling baby forever. I want you to be the little creature who keeps me secure at night. You are my milk monster who gives me backaches because you love being carried. You are the angel who brings tears to my eyes everytime I remember what we went through when you were in my womb.
I love every single second of loving you, sweetheart.
When you have more than 1 kid, you can't help but compare one from the other -- in a good way.
Arrow reminds me of my eldest in so many ways. For one, he is a thumb sucker. Josh was one too while Dash preferred the binky. Arrow is a sweaty baby just like Josh unlike Dash who wasn't much of one. Arrow's hair is always standing exactly like Josh's until he was about 6 or 7 months. They both have the same color unlike Dash who was fairer. But Arrow is such an easy baby just like Dash unlike Josh who was the fussy one. Arrow loves being cuddled like Dash while Josh preferred to be free of any arms or blankets around him. Unlike Dash who was a serious baby, Arrow is like Josh who was always smiling and laughing.
When I look at my 7 year old, he is very different from my 3 year old. I can't help but wonder who Arrow will be when he gets older. Will he love chicken just like Josh? Or will he love sweets just like Dash?
One thing Josh and Dash do love though are their superheroes. Not a day goes by without hearing the names Spiderman, Ironman, Batman, Hulk. They assign names to each other. They never forget to tell me that I am either Supergirl or Barbie. Although they did say that Arrow could be Mary Jane (Spiderman's love interest). They also love tumbling and jumping and wrestling.
It's fun just thinking of how exciting it will be when the little one starts interacting with his 2 older brothers. I know it will be a riot.
I have a dream. It's a dream I have been dreaming of since 2006. It's a dream I rarely talk about because I pretty much know it's not going to happen.
You see, my family lives in the house where I grew up. Much as I would want to call it my own -- since my Mom and Dad have passed away already, I still can't since it is a family home. A home where my Dad's family lived and where 2 of my aunts also live downstairs. It is the home where my Dad's family comes home to when they come for vacations.
It is almost 30 years old. The tiles have cracked, the walls have been stained, the pipes leak. It is our home. But I can't help but dream of having my own house. A home free of clutter, a home which I can decorate and furnish, a home I can paint with colors of my choice. A home free of rodents and roaches.
Last Saturday, we finally caught the culprit. The culprit who has been destroying so much of our house -- nibbling on the wood, eating the electrical wires, eating our food. We tried mouse traps and rodent papers but it just kept outsmarting us. It was giving me nightmares!
My aunt prepared a whole bowl of nasty rat poison. I was praying it would hit the rat real bad because if it would survive the poison, then it would be able to survive more poison after.
During breakfast, while we were eating, our househelp was mixing coffee when she suddenly gasped. The nasty rat was right in front of her. My husband got up to see but the rat turned around and slowly ran into the laundry room -- where it had been living for the past months. The househelp ran to the room to take a peek and see what it was doing. She said it was moving very slow and couldn't climb up anymore. After a few minutes, my husband went to take a look. He said it looked like it was dying. It kept trying to climb up the wall but it kept falling down. It finally turned on its side and died.
Trying its best to climb up but to no avail.
I can't tell you how glad I was. I really heard angels singing.
It's the end of the month and I can't believe we only have 5 months to go before Christmas. Eeeeek! I am pretty excited because it will be Arrow's first Christmas and I won't be pregnant over the holidays. I do not enjoy being pregnant during the holidays-- because I always was with my 3 pregnancies.
We plan to have Arrow's dedication in December to celebrate it together with our 6th year wedding anniversary. A lot of people have told me about the 7 year itch. Who believes in that? That if a couple survives 7 years of being together, then the following years won't be as bad anymore and that they will most likely not end up separating.
And since we are on the topic of relationships anyway, I want to ask you about your opinion regarding having secrets. Do you share everything with your husband? Or do you keep certain things from him?
And when you know something about someone close to you but that someone close to you thinks you don't know about that something, do you tell that someone close to you that you know? So that she stops pretending or do you just let it be?
There are certain memories that are definitely much, much clearer than some. Some which I can even remember most of the details. Some just seem so distant. I wonder if it's because I choose to do so or not.
Like I certainly can't remember how my life was when I had only 1 child even if that was just 7 years ago. Even if I only had 2 children 3 years ago. Right now I am shaking my head and smiling, feeling funny that I can't remember those days. What I do remember clearly is the feeling I had shortly after giving birth to my second. I felt very, very restless. I had gone back to work and had been feeling this rumbling inside of me which kept me sitting still. It bothered me. I felt so much pressure to keep myself intact, to keep the whole show together, to please everyone around me. I wanted to just bury my head, clog my ears with water so that I couldn't hear what everyone around me was saying, drink till I was totally wasted so that I wouldn't remember what yesterday was all about.
Those were lousy days.
I sit and stare out of the window now. Trying to contemplate on my life as it is now. There is a certain calm inspite of the little worries and anxious feelings that bother me every once in a while. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I wonder.
There is no need to want to be perfect. For those who take notice of and highlight the negative, too bad. For those who choose to look at the brighter side of things and appreciate them, thank you.
There is a greater need to realize that one can only do so much. There is no sense in pushing a wall you know you can never move -- it's a waste of time. So then I wonder if not pushing the wall is enough in the first place. I guess in time, one gets to realize that it is better to remain still than to keep going somewhere without any direction in mind.
I search my heart. I dig deep. I still shrug and shake my head leaving myself wondering what's next. I'll probably never get those answers. Maybe not now, maybe not yet or maybe not at all.
I am craving for love. But I remind myself that it is better to love than be loved. There is someone I miss. Mom? Dad? A friend? I am glad there is no more fear. Just a blank feeling. Wishing it would leave.
Life has been pretty monotonous around here lately. Like really boring. Work, home for lunch, baby, work, home, baby, eat, homework, chores, kids, baby, sleep, eat, work....
Sometimes I want to scream but I realize that its boring in a good kind of way because I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I sometimes catch myself wanting to do this or that. But I know I shouldn't. Often times I dream of going here or there. But I remind myself I can't. There are priorities to think of, people to give more importance to. It may be safe to say that I have tamed the impulsive side of me a bit.
So what do I do then? I don't want to reach the point point of feeling burned out again. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. It's a feeling I do not want to have to deal with again.
These are feelings I rarely share with anybody for fear that they may think I am being too trivial. Given that I only have I think 3 relatives who read my blog and 2 real life friends who do as well, I feel comfortable pouring out my sentiments. I am able to speak out loud when I write on my blog.
What life has to offer us is not a choice. How we deal with what life has to offer us is a choice. everyday we are faced with decisions that have to be made and I would want to believe that for each and every decision we are faced with, we have every right to make our own choice.
There may be certain things in our past that we are not proud of. Some unwise decisions made which up to this day we have to suffer the consequences for our foolish ways. Many experiences that may have left us scarred by people around us. Countless heartaches that left us feeling helpless and worse, hopeless.
And for a time we wonder, will these ever end? Will we ever smile?
No one said we have to be perfect. It is in times of trouble, heartache and confusion that we learn.
We worry about tomorrow. We doubt ourselves. We lose faith. We feel we are trapped in a vicious cycle of never ending pain.
It is that one small step of faith that we must take. It is that conscious decision of making that one small step of faith.
We say goodbye to the past but remain thankful no matter how hard it is to the past that was. The past that made us. We step into a new tomorrow knowing better.
Life is sweeter with a bit of bitterness. A stitched heart makes us more appreciative of the people and things around us.
Faith says, "Lord help me through this."
Perfect faith says, "Lord, I know you will see me through this."
I have been so obsessed about being able to express and store enough breastmilk for Arrow especially now that his consumption has increased. So last week, I tripled up on my supplement intake. And yes I was able to store around 12ounces in a day aside from the feeding I get to give him when I leave before work, come home for lunch and when I get home from work. It seemed to be working pretty well for the two of us until I noticed he was pooping on a regular basis!
At first, I thought it was my diet. I started eating more fruits and vegetables and tried to cut down on the protein intake. I drank and drank water and milk. But it still wasn't working. I was thinking that he was seriously constipated. His pediatrician suggested I try using the suppository. So I did and it worked. But after another 2 days, he didn't poop again. His doctor said it wasn't advisable that I keep using the suppository.
I was already panicking because this is the first time I encountered this problem with a purely breastfed baby. So I asked my OB and when she tried to eliminate all possible factors, she concluded that I was taking in too much malunggay supplement tablets so she told me to stop taking them first.
One day passed. No poop. Two days, still no poop. Three days and still no sign of it coming. On the fourth day at around 8 in the morning, it finally arrived.
And for the first time in my life, in my 7 years of mothering I heard angels singing while cleaning Arrow's bum.
For the first time ever poop made me so, so happy.
I was the new kid in school. While all the rest spent kindergarten together, I came from a different pre school. My mom walked me to my classroom. I could feel the kids staring at me. That was 20 years ago when I was in 1st grade.
I had no idea that some of the kids I met that day would turn out to be the few who up to this day I consider to be my bestest friends.
They shared secrets with me during sleepovers, we attended debuts together, they cried with me as I walked down the aisle, we planned baby showers together, attended baptisms and dedications of our children, together we mourned over the loss of someone important. We've seen life together.
As we got older, we all started to have our own lives. Some have chosen to leave our city and live a few hours away while some have chosen to live in other countries. In spite of the distance, we still remain true. In the recent years, its been so difficult to all be together at the same time. Seeing each other at least 4 times a year is rare. But it doesn't change the fact that our friendship remains in tact.
This weekend, I got to meet up with 2 of them. We had lunch and then desert after. I listened to their stories of single life while I amused them with stories of married life. We shared out heartaches, our life's desires. I look forward to times like these for they remind me that life can still be sweeter when they're around.