Monday, October 19, 2009

There Are No Answers

And I don't know why I always keep forgetting that life is a continuous journey, a never ending learning process where sometimes, we have to get hit real hard to finally learn our lessons. I may have forgotten that everyday, we learn new things. I've discovered that I haven't really defined who I am. I often still catch myself torn between opinions. Sometimes scared or unsure to voice out what I really feel or believe in for fear that people would judge me.

I've discovered that my emotions play a major, major role in my life. Sometimes, I feel extremely needy and lonely that when someone offers to do something nice for me or offer me help, I get extremely "high" and feel like never wanting that feeling of feeling special to ever go away. To the point where I dread that " special" moment to end.

I think a lot. I talk to myself a lot - silently in my head. I contemplate about a lot of things.

I wonder why people can be so selfish. I wonder why people can be so insensitive.

I've been going through this phase where I want to relive some parts of my life of before. Particularly times when my Mom and Dad were alive. I don't know how I survived those years when I lost them. I can't say things have gotten better- or worse. There's still that yearning, you know? And no matter what anybody says or does, no one will ever be able to love me the way they loved me. And the thing that slaps me in the face right now is that I can't seem to stop yearning for that same old feeling. It stabs me. It pains me.

On some days, I try to be jolly and bubbly. I fear people may already think I'm a weirdo. But what the heck, there are more weirdos out there. I don't know how to deal with certain things sometimes. I've cut down on crying. I don't like talking about it that much to anyone because I feel it's tiring to listen to.

So that's why maybe I write sometimes. Yes, that's why I write. In the middle of my journaling my everyday life with my kids, I sometimes find myself carving a space in this blog of mine to release my truth, my reality. One things that I know for sure is that I can't escape reality. I may try to ignore it, even pretend not to see it but it catches up with me and screams at me.

One thing I know is that I haven't lost the faith. When I'm on the brink of hopelessness, I am reminded. And then I pray.

When things start making sense, chaos sets in. Then I ask myself what all this is about. Then again, I tell myself not to expect any answers. I shake my head and roll my eyes.



Alicia said...

Hi Louann. What a great post. Thank you for your transparency!!

I can't imagine losing my parents. I would be missing them daily too.

But, just continue to lean on the Lord because He is the only one who can fill that void in your life.


Heather said...

I'm sorry you are in such pain. I know I am lucky to still have my parents and I hope I have them around for many years to come.