I woke up to the sound of the rain. Storm's probably coming. The sun wasn't up yet. I took a look at my 7 month old who had been awake for some time already.
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4 years ago, I got a call. A call nobody would have wanted to ever receive. "She had a cardiac arrest. But they were able to revive her" said my Aunt. As I look back, at that point, I think I thought I was ready and prepared. "Make sure you sign the do no resuscitate form tita (aunt)" I said. I woke up my husband and told him we had to leave for Manila.
I don't really remember the 5 hour trip down to Manila. Along the express way, we stopped to gas up. As we were pulling out of the gas station, my phone rang. "Lou, your Mama went to heaven na" said my Aunt. I also don't remember what I said. I remember I started texting all my friends and my Mom's friends telling them Ma had gone. I got a couple of calls. I remember getting one from a very close family friend and church mate and since it was a Sunday, she passed the phone to our other church mates. I got a call from my boss. And then from my then best friend.
Upon reaching the hospital, we went straight to the ICU but by then, they had brought her to the morgue already. I don't know why I didn't break down. We went to the morgue and they asked me if I wanted to see her. I said no. My husband did. He came out and told me she was cold already. We started making arrangements about bringing her to the funeral parlor.
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I think I may have been trying to deny so many feeling for the past 4 years. But today I come face to face with them. I regret a lot of things. I wish I had resigned and taken care of her instead. I wish I stayed with her. I wish I told her it wasn't ok with me for her to live. I wish I were there when she went into a cardiac arrest. I wish I took a look at her at the morgue. I wish I didn't pretend to be strong.
Today more than anything, I wish she were still alive.
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I miss you Mom, so so so so much. I thought it would get better as the years went by. I really miss you Ma. I love you. Happy 4 years in heaven.
4 comments:
I sincerely feel the emotion behind your words. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry. I'm sure these emotions were not easy then or now. Sending you many *hugs*
Louann, I'm sure at the moment, you were in such disbelief. I don't think anyone could think rationally when something unexpected like this. I pray that you don't have to live with feelings of "what if's". I'm sure your mom knew just how much you loved her and would do anything for her.
HUGS!!!
Sending you lots of hugs, Louann! I cried when I read this post. xoxo
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