You came into his life - my Dad's. You made him believe he would feel better, that he would forget his problems, that his pain would lessen. And for a time, I think he actually believed you. But you broke my Mom's heart. You made it difficult for her but she stuck through it. She tried so hard to make you leave but you wouldn't. My Dad got so addicted to you. I saw how you destroyed my Dad. He was so full of talent, of passion for what he loved doing but you came into his life and distracted him. You hurt him. I got angry at you. I despised you. My Mom and I despised you. And the worse thing? You took my Dad away. You burned his liver. You made him suffer.
I saw how it almost destroyed my Mom and Dad's marriage. So many times I found myself crying. You always distorted my Dad's perception of things. People disliked him when he drank you - even his own family. You took him away. You did him no good. You killed him.
Before it does the same to the family I have right now, stop. I don't want to be rude. So before I slam the door in your face, please leave.
He's my Dad's dog. CB, short for Charlie Brown came to us over 13 years ago. A month before we got CB, we had a black cocker-terrier named Bozzy. Bozzy was a naughty, naughty dog who became such a huge part of our family that when he was ran over, we grieved and mourned his death. My Dad, Mom and I thought that the best way to help ourselves move on would be to get a new dog.
CB was very different from Bozzy. He was gentle and mellow although he was a barker. On the day my Dad died in 2004, it was as if CB knew. He never yapped as much since then.
I am very scared about facing the day when CB will go to dog heaven. Given that he is 13 years old - human years, he is pretty old in dog years. I don't think I will ever want to get another dog after CB for fear of getting too attached again.
Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.
As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.
Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.
Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?
I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.
Today I don't really know what to say. Right now, I don't really know what I am feeling. Last night's thinking and pondering left me so exhausted. My heart was beating so fast all through the night that it woke me up more than just a couple of times. I've never been able to just "let things be." I don't know if that's good or bad.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.
Going back, today I found myself just thinking and thinking. And thinking and thinking. I kept praying and have been praying. I know I need to trust God on this even if right at this moment I am finding it hard to believe in what I am saying and in what I want to believe in. God is in control and I know He will never let me go.
Tomorrow, I wonder. I hope. I trust. I'm still thinking and tomorrow, I'll probably still be thinking.
For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.
More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.
That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.
I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.
I just read a post written by Alicia. It seems like in the 3 years that I have been blogging, I have never really talked about my job. Funny. Funny because it has been such a huge part of my life since I started working 5 years ago.
I started working when I was a senior in college. It was a part time job as an English tutor. I wanted to work because I wanted to earn a little bit more to help buy my son's milk and diapers. I was still depending on allowance from my Mom and my then boyfriend was also still studying.
Right after graduation, I took a 'break' for 2 months before landing myself a "real" job. I got a job as a human resource assistant at a call center. I met a lot of people and dedicated a lot of my time to my job. Too much time that I prioritized it over my husband and my child. I just wanted to be a go getter and reach the top right away. I was young and thought that my career was all that made me happy. My being too idealistic would always test my emotions as I always got frustrated when things wouldn't go my way. After 3 1/2 years, I got a call from a bank who was inviting me to join their human resources department as a recruitment and placement officer. I decided to move out of the call center and join the bank.
A few days ago, I 'celebrated' my 2nd year with the bank.
Basically, we recruit employees. We cover the northern region of our country, encompassing 10 provinces. Aside from that, we cater to the needs of our internal customers- our employees- when it comes to their needs like updating of records, processing of benefits, etc. It's a job I have always wanted to have since I took up Human Resource Development as an elective when I was a psychology major in college. I couldn't ask for more. Up to a certain point, it gives me a certain level of satisfaction, the pay is not all that but it does pay enough for the needs and the little wants of our family and I like the people I work with.
But it had to take me pails of tears, numerous heartbreaking moments and a thousand rolls of tissue for me to realize that it's not all that. I am thankful for my job but I am more thankful for the realization that nothing should come first before God, my husband and my children. 5 years ago, I made my work my life. I wouldn't care if my kid would be left at home even on Sundays because I had to do overtime or even my husband would be pissed that I had to stay in the office till late. What I wanted was to be on top of my game at work. I wanted to please my boss. I had to make an awesome impression. I wanted that promotion so bad. And I never got any of what I wanted.
Today, I enjoy what I do. There are days when I look forward to going to work but there are days when I would just rather be at home. But I am reminded that I am blessed with a job so I might as well do the best that I can in what I am doing. But I know in my heart that God, Jet, Josh, Dash and Arrow come first. So without hesitation, I say no to my boss when I know my husband or children need me. They do not need to tell me they need me, I just know when they do.
I often dream of being a stay at home mom. If only our country had more opportunities for mothers to work from the home. Or if I had more capital to set up a stable business. But for now, I will be thankful for what I have.
This is the longest that I have breastfed and I am loving it. The problem is, I think my milk is not enough. During the day, my baby drinks formula but once I get home I nurse him. The reason why I am saying that I feel that my milk isn't enough is because he nurses almost every 2 hours through the night. Although he doesn't really wake up, he becomes restless and automatically latches on once the 'food' is offered to him. I don't want to stop breastfeeding and what I want to know now is how to increase my milk supply. I have been taking supplements, drinking a lot of water and soup but it still isn't enough.