For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.
More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.
That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.
I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.
I'm scared. What will tomorrow be? I'm afraid.
I've always been.