Monday, November 9, 2009

Me. The Real Me. Just Me.

For all you who have found the perfect husbands, I just want to say good for you. Because I didn't. Much as I have never really talked about my marriage, I just want to be true to myself right now. I am broken. Wondering if things will ever get better. I have thought about starting a private blog somewhere else where I could soak in my anonymity, pour out all of my angsts and just be me. But this is my blog and this is my space. I have chosen to spill a bit more than what I usually do.

More than the family pictures, the funny stories of the kids or anecdotes of my everyday life, I am much more human than just that. I hurt. I cry. I break.

That's where I am right now. Hurting. I was shouted at and was threatened to be left. Do I deserve it? I don't know. There are always two sides of the story. He has his to tell. I tell mine here. With 3 kids - the youngest 8 months, I don't see myself raising my children alone. My parents, despite their differences, made me know how much love they had for each other and for me and they stuck it out. When he doesn't get what he wants, he makes it a huge deal. I cry. He despises me. I cry some more. He goes on to do what he wants to do. I cry.

I cry. Crying is my friend. Puffy red eyes and a throbbing headache. I cry. It makes me feel good. I cry. That's what temporarily relieves the pain. I cry.

I'm scared. What will tomorrow be? I'm afraid.

I've always been.

4 comments:

Sophiagurl said...

Hi Louann, It took a lot of courage to be able to say that here and for that I admire you.

I feel sad that you and hubby have these differences and as a mom and a wife myself my heart goes out to you.

I hope you and hubby will work out your differences and be happy and at peace.

Alicia said...

Oh Louann...first of all, it takes a courage to write what you did.

None of us have perfect marriages. In fact, I think it's the ones who portray the perfect lives are the ones who are the most messed up.

All you can do is pray, my friend. Pray that the Lord restore your marriage the way it should be. But, start with yourself. You can't convict your husband, only the Lord can. So, keep praying..and I will be praying too!!

Heather said...

No one has a perfect marriage. Marriage is hardest when kids are young. You're both tired and you don't have time for yourself to recharge.

It is hard. Only you and he can decide what is right for you. Sometimes you have to decide whether you want to make an issue over things or just try to keep positive. Often I decide that the things that bother me are just my own issues and nothing that my husband is doing to purposely irritate me. So I just "fix" whatever he's not doing (or doing "wrong") and move on.

There is a lot to be said for attitude and perspective. Of course if there are abuse issues (emotional or physical) all bets are off.

Momisodes said...

I am very sorry you are going through this. We all have bumps along the way in marriage. Especially when children are young. If anyone claims to have a perfect or quarrel-free marriage, it isn't true.

I hope that in time, you and your husband will find a way to work things out. My thoughts are with you.