Thursday, November 12, 2009

Unplugged II

Growing up as an only child, I felt like I was a gold fish in a fish bowl. A thousand eyes peering at me. Once in a while, an obnoxious finger or hand would tap violently on the glass and shake the calm waters where I was swimming. There would be those who would stare at me for hours - years in reality, some would occasionally stop and look and then go on with their lives, some would happily look and even talk. But all I could remember was there were eyes constantly on me. All the attention was on me- sometimes I liked it but sometimes I despised it.

As I have gotten older, I think I never got over that feeling which is why I have always believed that I have to please everybody and when I don't, I get so frustrated. For a time I thought the world revolved around me. And now, I want to shale it off. I want to get over it but I am finding it hard.

Life has thrown a lot of oranges when what I wanted to make was an apple pie. It has challenged me with so many frustrating moments. And the problem is that I often get too caught up in thinking about what others would think of me and my actions rather than working on my actions instead. I often tend to absorb myself looking around and putting up my guard rather than just letting loose and doing what must be done.

Uncertainty scares me and right now, I feel like that's what I am swimming in. I am trying to hold on to something because I feel the current is too strong, I might be carried away to rougher waters I may not be able to tread in. I feel scared and desperate, confused and alone. To literally scream my head off and say that's all I actually needed would be an understatement. Why is the cold biting me too much? How come I am unable to light the fire I so desperately need to warm me and make me feel safe from the blistering cold?

I lack the confidence to assure myself that I will be ok.

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