Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Why Of It

There have been many many things going on lately - in my mind that is.

Have you ever experienced that? Just so many things to think about that sometimes you don't even know if you should think about them but they keep crossing your mind. And when you don't talk about it, you end up feeling like you wanna burst.

Which brought me to think about why exactly I blog. I admire crafts blogs, blogs full of yummy recipes, blogs which clearly have a purpose (battling an illness, children with disabilities, overcoming addictions, etc), blogs just simply centered around their children...There are a zillion blogs out there.

And so there, back to my question, why do I blog? Kept thinking about that. Well for one, I love to write. Since I was 6, I always had a diary / journal. I did find my diary when I was 6 and I could not stop laughing. I noticed that when I started writing, I would write about how I spent my day but my later entries contained my feelings for that day - I was 6. I still keep a journal where I write my inner most feelings, I keep it beside my bedside.

Back to my thinking. Yesterday, I was feeling really low. Really low. And I wanted so much to talk to someone but in the recent years, I have learned to choose what problems to share and to who I should share them with. And because it takes me such a long time to figure that out, I end up not telling anyone. And then around midnight, while l was tossing and turning, I so wanted to just let it out and I thought of my blog. But it was too late. And so I figured it out, I blog because this is my outlet. I blog because I want to write - it is my way of expressing my feelings.

When I first started this blog, I found this as my outlet to release the grief I was experiencing by the loss of my Mom and Dad. Later on, I focused on writing about my kids. But as I looked backed on my old posts, I found a lot which focused on me - just me. About my struggles, my feelings.

And along the way, I have found so many true true friends. Yes, although have never met you in real life, I feel that I know you. And you all have shown nothing but love and care.

And I thank you all for that.
And if I may just ask, do you think it is proper to talk about very personal things on your blog? Or is it something you keep to yourself.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Why It Is Better To Give

That day was just so filled with emotions. After Josh's moving up day, we ate out and then we dropped off the husband at the bank (where he works) and I drove the kids home. And since I didn't need to go to work that day, I was thinking of how I could take advantage of the free afternoon. I thought of running some errands and then gong shopping at the 2nd hand clothes store. Buthen I was having some hesitations about going shopping. And then I remembered my plan of sorting through the baby clothes.

As soon as we got home, I went through bags and bags and bags and more bags of baby clothes- marked 0-3months, 3-6months 6-9months and 12-18months. There so many clothes, I never realized how much I had accumulated over the past 6 years. There were more and more bags marked with 2T, 3T and 4T. I didn't touch those bags.

I was overwhelmed and wanted to just give up in the middle of it all. The tiny socks, the mittens, the itsy bitsy frog suits. seriously, how did my boys EVER fit into them. I found myself making 3 piles: clothes to be lent to a friend who has a baby, clothes to be given away and clothes that no matter what, they would be staying with me forever.

The little green rumper with duck prints made it to the "staying with me forever" pile. Both boys wore the first time they went to church. All the overalls made it to the same pile. It wasn't such a huge pile, after I finished sorting, I just had 2 bags full to put back and treasure.

The Pile of "clothes to be lent" consisted of neutral colored mittens, socks, layettes and rumpers because my friend's baby is a girl.

The "to be given away pile" turned out to be a mound actually. I packed 5 big bags.

2 years ago, the company where I used to work visited an orphanage (as we always did every Christmas where we have what they call the reverse caroling. We sing for the kids and instead of waiting for them to give us something in return, we feed them spend time with them and give diapers, milk, clothes and toys) and my plan was to bring the clothes there.

So I loaded them into the car and dove off. I parked right in frontof the gate of the orphanage. It is an old house which was just converted into an orphanage, a private institution trying to provide for the children's needs by donations and funding from non-government agencies. They facilitate international adoption as well. The name of the orphanage is Hope House.

I rang the doorbell and immediately a man came to open the gate. He was smiling although he looked a bit puzzled. told him I had brought clothes for the children.
"oh what a blessing" he said. And then he kept saying that over and over. After all the bags were unloaded, he invited me in. He said so that the kids could acknowledge me for what I just did. I politely said, no thank you. And then all the other staff members came to the gate and just kept saying thank you and how blessed they were to have gotten all those clothes. I said goodbye and told them I would be back with toys the next time I would go.

I got in the car and cried my heart out.

They Went Haywire.

My emotions, I mean.
The other day was my 6 year old's moving up day. He finished his Prep I year. I was blessed to have been able to off set my rest day so that I could attend the event. They sang and recited a poem and danced and in the middle of it all, I found myself crying. There was again, a surge of emotions that rushed through me as I listened to their teacher say something about how fast the year went by for him and the children - how much they grew and developed. And the teacher thanked us parents as well for playing such an important role in nurturing our children. I was taking a video of the program and I found myself wiping my tears while trying to hide it from the rest of the crowd.

I imagined how much my Mom and Dad would have gone gaga over this event if they were still with us.

I could not believe how far we have come - me, my husband and Josh. I had him when I was 19, totally unplanned but wanted. When I delivered him, there was just so much love for him. It was not easy and I think raising a child will never be, but it has been, so far, the best adventure of my life. This school year he will be in Prep II and by next year he will be in 1st grade. 1st grade?!?
My life flashed before me. I found myself asking why this is my life now. Just wondering why, not asking for more not wanting less. Not expecting this or not wanting that. Just wondering my this is how everything turned out the way it is.

I will never get the answer, I figured.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Ruby, July, Cancer

It's been a while since I was last tagged, thanks Angel !

The rules are simple:
1. Pick your birth month.
2. Bold the 5-10 that best apply to you.
3. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months ( click here )
4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
I am not tagging anyone but if you want to play along, do so. It is wuite fun =)

Is This My Final Answer?

While leaving for work this morning, I noticed how "fit" my 22 month old's sweater looked on him. A month or 2 ago it still seemed quite loose on him. I told the househelp / babysitter to start bringing out the next size of clothes again. And then I told her to bring out all the baby clothes so that I can pack and give them away to those who need them. In the car, I told the husband about it and added that I would just keep the "memorable" ones, like the rumper Josh used the first time we brought him to church or Dash's clothes when we brought him home from the hospital.
Later during the day, I thought to myself, how come it was so easy for me to say that I would give away the baby clothes of the kids already? My heart didn't feel heavy and I had no doubts as well. Does this mean I'm done having kids?
During the weekend while driving home with the husband, I casually asked him, "Do you still want to have kids?" and to my surprise he said "I think it would be nice to have one more but raising a kid is definitely no joke- it is hard." This was the very first time we actually talked about "family planning." I told him that I would really want to have another kid but I'd want to get pregnant again the latest would be when I reach 28, by then the little one would be 4.
And as I sit here and talk / write about it, I can still say I am still determined to sort, pack and give the baby clothes away. More than 50% says I am done with having kids - for so many reasons. A year or 2 ago, I wanted to have 4 kids- it was part of my ideals. But I guess a harsh hit of reality tells me to be a bit more rational this time.
But IF maybe if in a few years we be blessed with another baby, then I will be more than thankful. But in the meantime, I will focus on my 2 blessings and try to be a bit better at this thing called parenting.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

New 'Do

The Birthday

3 weeks before Josh's birthday, he mentioned that aside from me bringing food to his school so that he could celebrate with his classmates, if he could also have a weekend party for family and friends. I did consider it but after talking with the hubby, we decided to ask Josh if he would want to go on an out of town family trip just like what we did for his 5th birthday.

Josh agreed. And so we decided to go to the province of Ilocos, around 4 hours away from our city.
So we left at around 4am on February 23rd and arrived in Ilocos around 9am, just in time to have breakfast. And since the province is known for its longganisa (sausage) and bagnet (deep fried pork), we decided to hunt around for a good restaurant which served that. Apparently almost all restaurants and cafe's had it.

When the Spaniards conquered the Philippines in 1521, they stayed for 300 years and Ilocos is one of the few provinces in the country which was able to preserve the Spanish heritage left by the Spaniards many of years ago.

There was a whole street made of cobble stone, the town center still had their old Spanish style building and houses and they did have their traditional mode of transportation called the kalesa.

After eating, we decided to drive a bit up north (45 minutes away) to check in at a beach resort.

It was a beautiful resort with a nice pool and a nice beach. The kids basically swam for the rest of the day while I basked in the sun and dipped in the water a few times. We all had dinner by the pool while watching a mini cincert sponsored by the resort. Around 10 in the evening we all went inside the room, laid down and eventually all fell asleep.
The next day was Josh's birthday.

Throughout the night, Dash was very restless, I figured it was because of the hubby's (VERY) loud snoring. We all woke up and decided to take an early morning walk along the beach.

Little did I know what was in store for us.

Right after breakfast, I decided to pay the bill of the food that we ate, when I checked my wallet- it was empty. I panicked. I asked if anyone touched my wallet because at 9:30PM of the night before, I paid the food bill again and my money was complete. Nobody touched my wallet. I immediately called for the manager to report the loss. They frisked their employees and checked the locker room of the employees, no sign of the money. The husband searched our hotel room making sure the money was not misplaced (because it could have been possible that my 1 year old played with my wallet as he always does). Money nowhere to be found. I could not help but raise my voice at the manager because the amount of money lost was a significant amount.

We were clueless. The husband asked me where I left my wallet before I slept and I said I put it on the dresser beside the window. When hubby raised the very heavy curtains of the window, we saw that one window was open and when we peeped outside, you could see footprints on the sand.
So we guessed that sometime during the night, when we were all asleep, the robber was able to open one of the windows and probably saw my wallet and got the money.

We called for the police. To tell you frankly, they were not of much help at all. And instead of being empathic, they wanted to insinuate that it could have been because of our carelessness. To that I immediately objected. I said, if I lost anything outside our room, I would probably accept that it could have been out of my sheer negligence but to lose something that was INSIDE our room just means that they have a problem with their security. That we the guests, trusted that the resort did have the appropriate security measures to ensure that their guests were well taken cared of.
To cut the long story short, the money was not recovered. We would have wanted to stay another night, as that was the original plan but the husband and I were so pissed off. But then it would not be fair to the kids if we would allow that incident to affect the whole trip. So we decided to check out and drive down to La Union, another coastal town with beaches.

Talking with hubby, we said that probably there was someone who needed the money more than we did, in a way, we were able to help someone. Difficult to accept, but then what else could we do.
The kids had a blast swimming some more and the next day, we were all ready to come home.

2 Days Before His Birthday

3 weeks before his birthday (February 24th), I asked him how he wanted to celebrate it. As he we have done it during the last 3 years, he wanted me to bring food for his classmates, so I agreed. The original plan was for me to buy food at a local fastfood chain but thinking of how much healthier and cheaper it would be if I cook the food myself, I chose the latter instead.
I prepared chicken lollipop

And spaghettiWhen I got to their school, his class was outside doing an outdoor activity, so I had enough time to set up the food in their classroom Happy Birthday big guy

On That Day

OK, so Valentines Day...That was like a month ago!!

I was surprised when the husband sent me half a dozen red roses to my office.

I did initiate the idea of having dinner that night and he did agree but he made the reservations. We enjoyed the dinner buffet of sushi, tempura, black Angus steak and fruits which you could dip in a chocolate fountain.

It was of course, a hearts day I will always remember.

You know, looking back on that day, I realized I did not feel it to be anything close to romantic BUT it was such a perfect night. Nothing mushy or overly sweet (am not a huge fan of that anyway) but it made its mark in my heart. I guess after a while, you realize that love just isn't about what you thought it to be when you were younger (not that I am OLD). Just being with the person you love, doing what you love doing (which for me is eating haha) and enjoying the time together is what, at the end of the day, really matters.

And then you learn to appreciate what you once never paid much attention to.

The Culprit

After what seemed like forever, we finally have our Internet connection back. So so so happy!!!!

What happened?

Well, after a zillion calls to the customer service department of out internet provider they finally did come to the house to check on what was wrong. They discovered that our neighbor, who is building a 4 storey hotel beside our house (yes, I am wondering why he was permitted to build such in a residential area!?) put up 2 water tanks that apparently caused the signal of the internet to be blocked.

But everything is okay now and I can't wait to start writing again -- I don't even know where to begin!