There are certain events I know are engraved in my heart. Often times, they cross my mind. Sometimes I choose to deny them access to my heart, I try to think of happier times. Seldom do I allow myself to live and relive those moments. That seldom is today.
I woke up at 6 or even a little before 6. Excited may never be right term. Anxious maybe. Scared a better word. We were to leave for Manila and bring Mom to St. Luke's Hospital -- for her to get the best medical care. They wheeled her down to where the ambulance was waiting. One of her good friends, Auntie June, rode with her in the back. when she was safely secured, I took my seat in front beside the driver. I was holding my Bible and a slice of banana bread. I don't remember the last time I ate. As we drove, I tried to take a bite of the bread because I suddenly felt hungry. So I did. And then I remembered why we were going to Manila then suddenly, I completely lost my appetite. I decided to read my Bible.
There was a funeral procession when we reached one of the provinces. It didn't mean anything to me. Or I didn't want it to mean anything to me. I watched the family members cry and mourn.
The trip just took around 4 hours. When we got to the hospital, my aunt was waiting for us there. Mom went through the regular pre admission screening and then we finally brought her to her room.
My aunt, who is a pre school teacher, had all of her students make get well cards for my Mom which she decorated the room with. Shortly after my Mom was settled on her bed, my other aunt (Mom's eldest sister) called. Mom broke down. This was the first and the last time I heard my Mom cry her heart out about her cancer. I cried. My aunt cried. My Moms friend cried. We cried. And then we had a hearty lunch of KFC chicken, mashed potatoes and coleslaw.
I miss you Mom. So much. I feel so lonely. I am full of joy with my 3 boys but a lot of times I crave for some decent adult conversation. It's the little things I miss. My being able to rant to you knowing fully that even if you didn't agree with me, I wouldn't feel as though I am being judged for how I feel or how I view things. Being able to ask you how to make certain dishes that I loved to eat when I was growing up. To gossip with someone. To share stories of the kids. You understood me Mom, you always got me. I'm lonely. You are one of the very, very, very few with whom I can be myself and when I am not with you, I miss myself too.
I still question God every once in a while and then I am reminded that for everything, there is a reason. I haven't understood His ways and I may never be able to do so. So each day, I remind myself that you are in a better place. By doing so, I also remind myself to stop being selfish.
But it doesn't change the fact that I miss you so.
Tomorrow I'll try to go on again with my life. Half heartedly convincing myself to keep my head up high, fill my heart with joy and live in contentment.
Until I decide to unplug my self again....