I know I need to get this out.
Mom was a smoker. She lit her first cigarette when she was 16 years old. I once asked her how and why she ever started smoking. She said that when she was 16, she was part of a foreign exchange student program. She was sent to Connecticut in 1963 and there she lived for a year. For the first time, she was free. She was exposed to a whole new different culture. According to her, almost all of her friends were into smoking and they all thought that smoking was cool. So she lit her own stick. And she liked it. She never kicked the habbit. She smoked for 41 years only stopping for a year and a couple of months when she got pregnant with me. I asked her, if you were able to quit when I was in your womb, how come you went back to it? She said, she just did.
Although my dad also smoked, my mom was a much heavier smoker. My dad was THE drinker --but that's a whole different story.
I remember when I was a kid, I put up NO SMOKING signs all over the house so that my mom and dad would refrain from smoking inside the house. Growing up, I got used to seeing mom smoke after meals, smoke when she was tense or stressed -- smoke whenever and wherever.
After my dad died in April of 2004, Mom continued smoking. This was her way of relaxing. And then one day, sometime in February 2005, It hit her --she wasn't feeling well anymore.
I miss you Ma...everyday I think of what life would be today if you, me, dad and your grandkids were still all happily living together. I cry -- I still do. I tried to tell myself that things would get better , that I would eventually learn to move on, learn to live without you...but it is so damn hard.
I miss you...someday we will be together again. We will laugh and tell stories just like the old times.
God I miss my mom.