Thursday, August 16, 2007

Thoughts and Realizations

I've been going through a lot lately. Been thinking about so much. Decisions that have to be made. Choices laid out before me. And I have found myself looking for someone to talk with, to get some words of wisdom from. Mental and emotional stress is much much much harder to handle than physical stress. I would join the an iron man contest right now in exchange for all this thinking and feeling!

I used to ask my Mom about everything. And my Dad would often think out loud even if I didn't ask him (because I was too scared of a very lengthy discussion). And lately, I have been looking for "what she would have said" moments to help me make decisions. It's not that whatever she said she thought I should do is what I would do. It's just that hearing what she thought about it, what she felt about it, what she thought I should do about it just gave me more insights on the situation and allowed me to think beyond my initial perceptions. And with my Dad, he was just so full of wisdom. When he would make me sit down on the dinner table, he would express his thoughts and a lot of times what he would say would be painfully true but just listening to him made me feel the love he had for me - that what he wanted for me was always the best. And although my Mom was a worrier, when I would listen to what she said, there was a certain peace in her voice which calmed me. I miss them.

And now I find myself trying to get around in this world. Like a blind person trying to cross the street alone. Sometimes I think that if I had a sibling, things would have been different. I love my family yes - I love Jet and I love my kids. And I talk to Jet and am very open to him about everything but there are certain times when he is just there to listen. Sometimes he really does not know what to say. And I totally understand that. And I guess it is for that reason that I am looking for the 'unsolicited advise' my parents would always give me - something I may have taken for granted. Yes I took it for granted. And look what I am looking for right now. It is different when you hear it from someone who is wise and who knows who very well because then they also know how to approach you.

It is tough. And all this is making me tougher.

Is it good or bad?


Amanda Sue said...

i can't imagine not having my sister for advice and "reality checks." i will pray for you that God would provide someone in your life to help fill the shoes your parents left.

*hugs to you!*

Mama G said...

Oh sweetie ... big hugs to you! Perhaps this blog can in some way help you? There's many of us out here always ready to offer unsolicited advice!!

mommyness said...

hmmm... it's hard to tell if it's good or bad. i also feel the same way. i always think of what dad's opinion would be if he was still here. but, i think, at one point or another, we also have to really really be on our own and just use their wonderful memory as inspiration, motivation or guidance.

Pavel said...

It's hard not to have family to offer advice the way families do. I only have mom left now and I appreciate her advice and love, but I do hope you find the answers that you need from other family and friends, even blog buddies.
It's admirable of you how you understand that your hubby may not always have the answer and don't let that stress your marriage.

I prayed that God will help you with this, and if anyone can bring you the answers, God can!

PinksandBluesGirls said...

You have left me with tears in my eyes. I will pray for you that some guidance comes to you in the form of someone with whom you love and trust and know wants the best for you. I just think you are such an amazing woman... and you have such a beautiful family that you have created... it must make you look at those boys and just want to teach them the way of the worlds... You are such an inspiration!

mommie's confession said...

I wanted to hug you since i read it.I wish someday i could meet you there to comfort you or listen to your point of view.I will pray for you always....

SusieJ said...

I'm with mama g -- I think your parents are here giving us advice, through all the people you meet -- you just needs to reach out -- which you are. Very nice.

PinksandBluesGirls said...

Just checking in on you, Louann... thinking of you and hope you're doing well. Miss your posts!

Jane, P&B Girls