Where Have I Been?

I wish I could say I've been to London to visit the queen.

But NO.

The Internet connection at home has been down since 3 weeks ago.

I have so much to say. The Valentines dinner. The birthday of Josh. And the robber who got our money. The long weekend.

So much.

I will write once everything is okay...but for now, I have to rush back to work as I just decided to quickly log on at one of the Inetrnet cafe's.

How have you all been? I hope I still have you guys to read my blog.

Wish I Could But I Couldn't. And With This, I Am Sorry.

How were you as a kid? I mean when you were in pre school or elementary or highschool what kind of a kid were you?

Were you a:

star of the class
loner
attention grabber
dork
class clown
push over
genius of the class
super athlete
leader type
loser

Add to the list if you wish.

I'd want to think I was a good kid-- uh a kind kid but I think NOT. Growing up, I used to have a bunch of girlfriends. We wanted to believe that we were the smartest, prettiest and coolest girls in the class. Continue the story if you want. And yes, we excluded the timid, quiet and shy ones out of our group. Until this day when we have reunions, we tend to forget or leave out a couple of classmates who we neer really made any effort to get to know.

And I regret every single moment of it today.

My 5 year old came home today and told me "Mom, Sam said he does not want to be my friend." I couldn't count how many times my heart broke when I heard him say that. What did you tell Sam I asked? Josh replied, "But your still my friend, I said."

And so, to all those I hurt in the past- whether I was aware of it or not, I truly am sorry.

I really am.

Even If Just For This Year

It may not happen- may not even come close to happening, but IT IS OK to wish , right?

On the morning of the 14th, I'd want to wake up excited. Not even remembering if I actually slept the night before because I had been thinking about the next day. I'd want to spend my day just thinking of you and looking forward to our time together.

The kids would be taken cared of. No need to worry about what they will eat. They will be read a story at night. They will be tucked in to bed. They will sleep tight. No worries.

I'd want to worry about what I will wear or about how I will look. About the perfume I will use.

Will you give me flowers? Maybe chocolates? Or maybe you will surprise me with a letter? Maybe?

I can only think of all that during the day. The rest of the day will be a blur. I will be distracted because I will keep thinking of you.

I never had a candle light dinner. Maybe this year? I never got all dolled up for a date. Maybe this year? I never was surprised by you. Maybe this year?

Sweep me off my feet, just this year.

I try to keep these desires to myself because I say to myself, things are different now. Now that we are married. Now that we have kids.

I've tried to tell you but that's as far as it goes.

But allow me to hope. Allow me to wish. Even if just for this year.

Just An Update.

Just an update on the kids, we brought them for their shots last Saturday.

Josh has been getting better. No need for antibiotics. Just the reglar cough meds and nightly nebulizing.

But the little on caught the bug. He's got the colds and the cough and has been extremely cranky / snappy / grumpy / clingy little boy.

It Makes My Heart Jump

Who He Has Come To Love

Happy Birthdays

When I got home yesterday, my soon to be 6 year old son looked weak. His cheeks were flushed, he was wheezing and he just didn't look right. I knew something was wrong. I wasn't that surprised though, given that his birthday is 3 weeks from now.

Some people have told me that some people do get sick sometime near their birthdays - either before, after or during.

I never wanted to believe that until.

March 1 2003. Josh's 1st birthday party. We decided to celebrate it a week after his actual birthday. The next day, we found ourselves checking JOsh into the hospital due to a viral infection which was causing him to throw up everything he would eat and or drink.

Sometime February 2004, Josh's 2nd party was spent with close friends and family. He was down with cough and colds.

February 2005, JOsh was supposed to have a Superhero's themed birthday party but we decided to cancel 3 days before the party because he had a terrible cough and was down wth the flu. This was the year we discovered he had primary complex and asthma.

February 2006, we did push through with his party even though he had a bad cough and had asthma. He was on antibiotics during his birthday week.

Last year, we did spend his birthday in the beach.

This year, I hope whatever it is he is down with will be over before his actual birthday. It is very difficult to see a child so weak and listless.

Here. There. Everywhere. Tangled.

Whiny. A complainer. A sulker. A pouter. A complainer. That's what I have been lately. But no, people have not been annoyed by my being this simply because I whine, complain, sulk, pout and complain AGAIN- to myself.

No words can describe why I have been feeling this way. THere are probably a million reasons I can think of right now- some of which are shallow and some of which are probably not - in your opinion that is.

I have found myself constantly talking to myself in my mind these past few weeks. Debating with myself whether what I am feeling is normal, telling myself to try to let things go.

And to think I am not pregnant.

Goodness - these emotions.

Get lost I say to them, but they won't. I think they're here to stay for a bit more time.