I dreamt of her last night. Whenever I dream of her, it is always a given, in my dream, that "she came back from the dead." Like it is understood that she died but is again present in my life.
The whole time I was dreaming, I felt like I had to let her go. We were talking. We were discussing things but I kept asking her if it was time for her to go. She never answered my question.
A lot of things happened in my dream. I saw classmates from way back. An office mate even appeared. But Mom was always there with me.
I still kept asking her if it was time to go and finally she said that she was ready. And then we embraced - boy did it feel all too good. I embraced her tightly and was thinking that she was becoming stiff. So I said goodbye. And then she went to her coffin and we were supposed to wait until she became hard. But I didn't want to around while waiting for that to happen so I said I would be back when everything was already finished. And when I returned, she was peacefully lying in her coffin already.
And then I woke up to the squirming whimper of my 1-year old who wanted a bottle of milk. I checked the time - 4:33 AM. I got up to make a bottle and gave it to my baby. Covered the bottle when he was done and tried to go back to sleep. Wait no - I wanted to go back to my dream but I couldn't. So I just laid there, eyes closed but remembering how wonderful my dream was - my seeing Mom again. She was so clear in my dream. I finally was able to get my sleep again.
I woke up this morning just thinking of my dream. Did that mean anything? Did I dream of her because lately I have been yearning for her?
It was been 2 1/2 years but sadly, the pain is still there. Everyday I miss her. Sometimes I miss those times we would sit down over a cup of coffee or iced tea and just tell stories, often times I miss our shopping sprees, more often I miss her cooking. There are times when I just want her to be around - not for anything but just for her to be there - I look for a certain sense of security I guess that which I will only be able to get from her. I miss her so much.
And now, I wish I had told her so many things in my dream. I wish my kids were there so that she could have seen them - or I could have seen her see them and would have seen how happy she was to see and be with them.
My heart still breaks. Often times I wonder why she deserved to die that way.