Friday, July 20, 2007

The Stabs Still Hurt


I dreamt of her last night. Whenever I dream of her, it is always a given, in my dream, that "she came back from the dead." Like it is understood that she died but is again present in my life.

The whole time I was dreaming, I felt like I had to let her go. We were talking. We were discussing things but I kept asking her if it was time for her to go. She never answered my question.

A lot of things happened in my dream. I saw classmates from way back. An office mate even appeared. But Mom was always there with me.

I still kept asking her if it was time to go and finally she said that she was ready. And then we embraced - boy did it feel all too good. I embraced her tightly and was thinking that she was becoming stiff. So I said goodbye. And then she went to her coffin and we were supposed to wait until she became hard. But I didn't want to around while waiting for that to happen so I said I would be back when everything was already finished. And when I returned, she was peacefully lying in her coffin already.

Weird.

And then I woke up to the squirming whimper of my 1-year old who wanted a bottle of milk. I checked the time - 4:33 AM. I got up to make a bottle and gave it to my baby. Covered the bottle when he was done and tried to go back to sleep. Wait no - I wanted to go back to my dream but I couldn't. So I just laid there, eyes closed but remembering how wonderful my dream was - my seeing Mom again. She was so clear in my dream. I finally was able to get my sleep again.

I woke up this morning just thinking of my dream. Did that mean anything? Did I dream of her because lately I have been yearning for her?

It was been 2 1/2 years but sadly, the pain is still there. Everyday I miss her. Sometimes I miss those times we would sit down over a cup of coffee or iced tea and just tell stories, often times I miss our shopping sprees, more often I miss her cooking. There are times when I just want her to be around - not for anything but just for her to be there - I look for a certain sense of security I guess that which I will only be able to get from her. I miss her so much.

And now, I wish I had told her so many things in my dream. I wish my kids were there so that she could have seen them - or I could have seen her see them and would have seen how happy she was to see and be with them.

My heart still breaks. Often times I wonder why she deserved to die that way.

8 comments:

Chrissy121875 said...

Hi Louann!
I have been away from the computer and my blog for a while, but for some reason something made me get online tonight and visit your blog. I was surprised to read your post because I too have had a dream of a lost loved one recently and the feelings in the dream still linger. It is hard to let go or even to understand the feelings and emotions one feels when someone near to them has passed away.

Once again, your post was really touching and thought provoking.
Anyway, I ought to get to bed, but will chat with you soon! :)

cg underscore lee121875 at hotmail dot com

mommyness said...

Louann, *sigh* the pain of losing a loved one never goes away. it may stay dormant for a while. then, it knocks at our door again. and we become the little kids we once were. i miss my dad too. i wish i'd dream about him. his death anniversary is in august.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

wow, this is very powerful. I'm sorry about your mum. She is alive in you in a big way!

pinks & blues girls said...

Your mom knows your boys. She probably enters their little dreams, as well (not in a scary way... in a beautiful, angelic way) and kisses their little faces and strokes their hair.

I believe that she comes back to you in your dreams to make sure you know she is still around you always, watching you be a wonderful mother to your beautiful boys. And to hug you tightly. And let you know it's OK to miss her.

I wish I could give you a great big hug right now!

Jane, P&B Girls

Stam House said...

I love your new family picture, very nice!

Amanda Sue said...

i love these posts. they break my heart for you, but thank you so much for sharing.

Shoshana said...

Louann, I am sorry for your pain. Though your mother is gone, she's not forgotten. Through your post, we've gotten to know her. What a tribute. Your kids will know about her too, and they'll know your Mom as if she's here.

My mother told us so many things about my grandmother, I told the stories to my children too. Grandma died when I was 12 months old, and I have no memories of her. But because my mother showed her to us, we got to know her.

Deb said...

Hi louann!

So sad reading about your post. Women who became mothers like us, we tend appreciate our own mothers more.
Ow, you make me thank the Lord for my mom.
God Bless!