It Still Is Warm

I've heard from a lot of people that :Christmas is just really for kids." For a while I wanted
to believe so too. But if you look deep inside your heart, you will see why Christmas IS an occasion we all look forward to celebrating year after year after year - whether young or old.

I Need Something To Warm The Heart

The holidays would be something we would all look forward to. Relatives living far away would be coming home for short holiday vacations, preparing the food would keep everyone busy, small family reunions would always be full of fun, stories and laughter, cousins seeing each other after quite some time would love playing together and would wish the day would never end. There would be gift giving and merry making. The fun would last well into the night when we kids would be too tired to even contest having to go home and call it a day. The next day, everyone would wish it were Christmas again. The days ahead would serve as a reminder of the Christmas that had gone and the Christmas that was to come again.
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I wondered why this Christmas felt quite dry. As if I was even dreading it because I did not know what to expect. My 5 year old's excitement suddenly reminded me of how beautiful the holiday season is - or was.
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We would all have dinner with my father's family on Christmas eve. Food was plenty, stories were more. When us cousins were a little younger, we would open gifts even before midnight. But when we were a bit older, we would all wait until the stroke of 12. At times we would watch movies together - family movies. Us younger ones would often fall asleep while my 2 older cousins would stay awake, all too excited to be allowed to stay awake till late in the night. When the clock would strike 12, they would wake us up. And then we would remember it was time to open gifts. After the opening of gifts, we would eat salad or whatever was left over from dinner. We would all fall asleep way after midnight. When tucked into bed, I remember my Mom and Dad would hug me and say "Merry Christmas anak."
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With no gifts under the tree- a big reason is because both hubby and I were low in cash, no plans set weeks in advance, no family member 'coming home' for the holidays, I did wonder where my Christmas spirit was. I wanted it, I needed it. I was craving for it.
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On Christmas day, we would go to my grandma's house (my Mom's side) and we would all have lunch there. Again, food was plenty. And jokes and teasing were more - as this is the character of my Mom's family. Us cousins would have a separate table, specially set for us littler ones. We too would have our own stories to share with each other. The eating and story telling would go on until mid afternoon until gift giving time. After opening gifts, we would all tease my grandma until she would give in and give us money to buy ice cream. Since her house was near town, us cousins would all walk and look for whatever mini mart or grocery was open. In the late afternoon, my Uncle would gather us all together and then we would go to the cemetery to visit my grandpa. We would then come home with hearts full of memories to treasure.
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I did the Christmas grocery in the morning of the 24th. I tried to be excited. I asked my husband if we were spending any Christmas activity with his Mom and sisters. But with an invitation from his Mom saying "come if you come but if you don't want to then don't," suddenly, I had to appetite for any Christmas cheer with them. He probably felt it, so instead, he invited them to join us at home. And I'm glad they did.
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I find myself missing the old. Missing what used to be. Terribly missing that warm feeling. And I wonder if my children will ever be able to feel that same way about Christmas as I used to because I feel I am unable to create a 'tradition' that they will look forward to every year. I feel guilty for not creating that warm feeling for my children.
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How does one start a tradition? A tradition not done just for the sake of doing but a tradition that warms our hearts, that makes us look forward to the next- that sparks the love in us? I want my children to treasure memories that they will forever carry in their hearts. Not just of Christmas time.
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Merry Christmas Everyone!

Look Now We've Made It...

Who knew we would make it? Who knew after 4 years, we'd still be together.

Many people doubted what we had. Many assumed it would not last. Some still think it will not work. A few wish not to be supportive.

Today we have brought 2 beautiful creatures into this world.

We are still young. Our emotions may be heightened more than we should allow them to. But everyday, we are learning together. And my faith in us says we will travel this road together.

My prayer is for us to both have good health, so that we will see our children grow well into their adult lives. When they too will have their own families. I look forward to holding your hand until we are old and grey.

Happy 4th year Anniversary babe.

The Disconnect

In the office, there are basically 2 groups. One group is composed of 4 young girls- 1 is married with a kid and another has a kid but is not married, the other 2 are single. 2 of them were my schoolmates / friends in highschool. The other group is composed of a mix of both male and female- older, married and with kids. My boss belongs to the latter.

It isn't as if the office is divided as in divided, we all have lunch together, we are united in a way. Except for when it comes to personal interests.

The first group can go on all day talking about boys, make up, fashion and themselves. I never heard those with kids talk about their kids, school concern of their kids, what they will cook for dinner-- nothing about the home.

As much as I would want to associate myself closely to the latter group, I still am not sure if they are willing or ready to accept me. Plus the fact that my boss is there still makes me think and feel that I should not be too assuming at this point since I am only 2 months old in the company.

It is difficult having to listen to stories I cannot relate to and do not really want to relate to, day in and day out. When I start to talk about my kids, my husband or the home, they just look at me, give me a very polite smile (with the very popular head tilt) and then they go about talking about boys, make up, fashion and themselves.

I am not saying they are bad people. Or that there is something the matter with them, I respect them it's just that their interests do not interest me. Maybe that's the best way to put it. I can really feel the disconnect. Sometimes I try, but it is difficult.

I hope I will be able to eventually connect with people I know I will truly understand and who will understand me as well.

Really?

Seriously? I wish not to believe that Christmas Eve is 7 days away.

I have not bought a single gift for anyone yet. There are no gifts under the tree. I have no idea what to prepare for Christmas Eve. I have no idea what our plans will be. I wonder why it is ths way this year?

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For all of your kind words in response to my last post, thank you!!!
Shosh
, am not pregnant. Teehee. But really, at 4'11,weighing 120lbs is not comfortable and getting into size 8-10 clothes can lower one's morale. I just really feel that I have been very unhealthy the past few months. I have been eating fruits for breakfast. Drinking lots and lots of water. And I have been cutting down on my rice consumption.

Lets see where this will take me. Excercise. I have been avoiding that.

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I'm not sure why I have not been myself lately.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

The Struggle

I think a HUGE part of what has been bothering me lately is my ...............................
WEIGHT.

Yes. Since I gave birth I have been getting bigger and bigger. And it has reached the point where I do not feel good about myself anymore. And although it is disturbing, I still find myself stuffing my body with food.

I was never really fat. I was chubby in highschool but became thin in college. And then I got pregnant. At first, I would tell myself it was OK to be 'big' because I had just given birth. Months passed and then years and then I found myself still getting bigger. But I never really paid attention to it. I did try excercising. And then diets. And then I got pregnant again. And this time, I have not stopped increasing in size.

I am not really that vain, although conscious, I never get obsessed over my appearance.

But until recently when my confidence level was being eaten up but pants that could not be zipped, blouses that were to tight and jackets that could no longer be closed. And then I realized I had a problem.

When I wake up, all I think about is food. What I will eat for breakfast and half way through breakfast, I am already planning what I will eat for lunch. And while eating, even if I feel full already, I still continue shoving food down my throat.

It isn't vanity. It is unhealthy.

I have been trying to consciously watch what I eat and I have been cutting down on my food intake. It is difficult but I really need to lose weight. Not for anyone wlse, but for myself. And it is a struggle, I admit.

Realizations

There have been many many things going on. New job, being away from home, adjusting to the new job, husband's new job, Christmas around the corner, the 4 day beach trip we had. Yes, a lot has been going on. And I have noticed that I have found myself tangled in a pool of emotions again but which I failed to deal with. I have been trying to live each day as if it were any normal day but yes, things have been borthering me - in a good and in a bad way.

With Christmas around the corner, I have found myself crying for my Mom and Dad. 4th Chrstmas without Dad, 3rd without Mom. I remember the Christmases spent with them. I have stories to tell but maybe not now- in the days to come I will.

And while on the 4 day vacation we had, I had time to think and really remember them. And a lot of what my Dad taught me about so many things - from cleaning a shrip without using one's hand to life in general- came rushing through my mind. And I will write about those things too - which made me miss him all the more. Suddenly so many questions I wanted to ask came to mind - but then how will I ask him when he is no longer around?

We celebrate our 4th year wedding anniversary as well- I even almost forgot.

I had a migraine attack last week. And it was terrible. And I think my migraines are brought about by psychological / emotional stress.

I have been trying to get along with my new officemates- so far I would want to think I have been successful at doing so. But I am still trying to find my way and carve my path in the office. Trying to learn and discover the different personalities of the people around me.

The boys are growing up so fast. The little guy slowly adding words to his vocablary - he calls his brother Jotch (Josh) and loves the word "Atch" (Ouch). My 5 year old has been reading books already and just this evening while doing his homework, I doscovered he is very comfortable when it comes to ading up numbers.

Oh Wow.

According to Morrie, it is not good to detach oneself because then, it is as if you are denying your emotions Instead, allow yourself to immerse in the emotion - be it pain, sadness, happiness- whatever it is, feel the emotion. And then when you get older, you will know how to avoid the feeling you do not want to feel because you already know how it feels. And so some people think it is detachment but it is not. Instead it is the wisdom brought about the experiences by which those emotions evolved that allow us to avoid the experience so that undesired emotions are not brought about.

And so I am trying my best to immerse myself in whatever emotion is brought my way. I am trying to just allow each experience to mold me. So that one day, I will look back at all these, smile and will know in my heart that this all had a purpose.

Ahhh...The Life

Apparently, some people decided to go to the beach. In December. But what the heck, the weather was still perfect. This was a trip actually planned 8 months ago. The husband and I had no idea we would be under new employers, so we were not entitled to any leaves. But thankfully, we had understanding enough employers who allowed us to enjoy this 4 day family beach trip.

We went to Boracay Island . The first time we went there, I was 4months pregnant with my little one. I fell in love with the place and vowed to go back with the whole family once the little one was born. 1 1/6 years after I gave birth, that trip finally came true.
There is something magical about this island. This island was discovered a few decades ago when the beach was still untouched and unexposed to commercialization. I read a write up on the island which mentioned that the few people who braved the travel to this island would treck for more than 10 hours tugging along gas lamps and drinking water to sustain them through their stay on the island. There were no such things as hotels, resorts or restaurants in those early days.
Today, when you get to the island, the whole beach stretch is lined with hotels, inns, cafes, bars and restaurants. There is a shopping complex. They practically have everything available there for tourists needs. Foreigners have come to love the place. It is, if I may just say, a world class tourist destination.

Local flights fly there on a daily basis. One can choose to fly on smaller planes and land on the island itself or fly via bigger planes but will have to travel via land for about 1 1/2 hours before taking a 5 minute boat ride to the island itself.

The beach is spectacular. I assume that surfers / surfing addicts will despise the beach there - for the waves are too calm. One need not worry about a pool in the resort for the ocean is in itself the pool. There is something about the water there that enchants the people - with its crystal clear water, one will not be able to resist it. Sitting by the shoreline, the gently waves lap on the shore, it's relaxing sounds giving one a sense of peace. Its powdery white sand is what Boracay is known for. I have never seen and felt sand as soft and white as the sand there.
And when you sit under a beach umbrella, sipping on your favorite fruit shake - or a cold beer, you cannot hep but wonder why and how such creations were created.

It is a beautiful place for both the young and old. The kids can swim in the ocean without adults worrying about strong under currents or big waves or shark attacks since none of such exist. As the sun sets, the beach is slowly transformed into one big cafe / bar. The beach is lined with tables and chairs and bean bags where families can sit and relax and order the perfect meal.

It is an enchanting paradise. Go.

Like No Other

It has been a pretty interesting week for me. Well I'm guessing it was a much more interesting week for my officemates who still see me as the "new girl."I have been trying to adjust and enjoy this whole new phase in my life. Working hours for me have been moved an hour later so I get to spend a bit more quality time with my little one in the morning.

When I was down in Manila for my training, the people I worked with there were almost all female, young and single. There was one who was young and married but without kids yet. And there was one who was in her early 30's, married and with one baby. And then there was me. And I did feel a disconnect.

Halfway through reading Tuesday's With Morrie, one line that really caught me was when Morrie said something to this effect (on having Children), "there's no other experience like it." That line caught my heart because I really think it is very true.

As parents, we talk about our kids. share experiences about raising kids, laugh and cry about how happy yet difficult disciplining children can be, etc. And people listen to us. But I feel that no matter how animated we can be while telling our stories or how emotionally filled out stories are, we can never really explain what it is like to have kids unless you experience it yourself. Partly I guess is because in general, for each and every experience we go through, we all feel, think and act differently. More so for experiences like having children.

Which is probably why a lot of married women with kids are often misunderstood.

It is difficult to fathom what it is like to have kids, to raise kids, to discipline kids, to prepare for the future of your kids.

It is an experience like no other.