Mix Mix

It's the end of the month and I can't believe we only have 5 months to go before Christmas. Eeeeek! I am pretty excited because it will be Arrow's first Christmas and I won't be pregnant over the holidays. I do not enjoy being pregnant during the holidays-- because I always was with my 3 pregnancies.

We plan to have Arrow's dedication in December to celebrate it together with our 6th year wedding anniversary. A lot of people have told me about the 7 year itch. Who believes in that? That if a couple survives 7 years of being together, then the following years won't be as bad anymore and that they will most likely not end up separating.

And since we are on the topic of relationships anyway, I want to ask you about your opinion regarding having secrets. Do you share everything with your husband? Or do you keep certain things from him?

And when you know something about someone close to you but that someone close to you thinks you don't know about that something, do you tell that someone close to you that you know? So that she stops pretending or do you just let it be?

_________________

There are certain memories that are definitely much, much clearer than some. Some which I can even remember most of the details. Some just seem so distant. I wonder if it's because I choose to do so or not.

Like I certainly can't remember how my life was when I had only 1 child even if that was just 7 years ago. Even if I only had 2 children 3 years ago. Right now I am shaking my head and smiling, feeling funny that I can't remember those days. What I do remember clearly is the feeling I had shortly after giving birth to my second. I felt very, very restless. I had gone back to work and had been feeling this rumbling inside of me which kept me sitting still. It bothered me. I felt so much pressure to keep myself intact, to keep the whole show together, to please everyone around me. I wanted to just bury my head, clog my ears with water so that I couldn't hear what everyone around me was saying, drink till I was totally wasted so that I wouldn't remember what yesterday was all about.

Those were lousy days.

I sit and stare out of the window now. Trying to contemplate on my life as it is now. There is a certain calm inspite of the little worries and anxious feelings that bother me every once in a while. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I wonder.

There is no need to want to be perfect. For those who take notice of and highlight the negative, too bad. For those who choose to look at the brighter side of things and appreciate them, thank you.

There is a greater need to realize that one can only do so much. There is no sense in pushing a wall you know you can never move -- it's a waste of time. So then I wonder if not pushing the wall is enough in the first place. I guess in time, one gets to realize that it is better to remain still than to keep going somewhere without any direction in mind.

I search my heart. I dig deep. I still shrug and shake my head leaving myself wondering what's next. I'll probably never get those answers. Maybe not now, maybe not yet or maybe not at all.

I am craving for love. But I remind myself that it is better to love than be loved. There is someone I miss. Mom? Dad? A friend? I am glad there is no more fear. Just a blank feeling. Wishing it would leave.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

Life has been pretty monotonous around here lately. Like really boring. Work, home for lunch, baby, work, home, baby, eat, homework, chores, kids, baby, sleep, eat, work....

Sometimes I want to scream but I realize that its boring in a good kind of way because I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I sometimes catch myself wanting to do this or that. But I know I shouldn't. Often times I dream of going here or there. But I remind myself I can't. There are priorities to think of, people to give more importance to. It may be safe to say that I have tamed the impulsive side of me a bit.

So what do I do then? I don't want to reach the point point of feeling burned out again. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. It's a feeling I do not want to have to deal with again.

These are feelings I rarely share with anybody for fear that they may think I am being too trivial. Given that I only have I think 3 relatives who read my blog and 2 real life friends who do as well, I feel comfortable pouring out my sentiments. I am able to speak out loud when I write on my blog.

So there, life has been pretty boring.

Broken Promises

For me, such leave the deepest scars.

Things so easily said but what has to be done after is always the hardest.

Expectations. Hopes.

Broken. Shattered.

As I Ponder

What life has to offer us is not a choice. How we deal with what life has to offer us is a choice. everyday we are faced with decisions that have to be made and I would want to believe that for each and every decision we are faced with, we have every right to make our own choice.

There may be certain things in our past that we are not proud of. Some unwise decisions made which up to this day we have to suffer the consequences for our foolish ways. Many experiences that may have left us scarred by people around us. Countless heartaches that left us feeling helpless and worse, hopeless.

And for a time we wonder, will these ever end? Will we ever smile?

No one said we have to be perfect. It is in times of trouble, heartache and confusion that we learn.

We worry about tomorrow. We doubt ourselves. We lose faith. We feel we are trapped in a vicious cycle of never ending pain.

It is that one small step of faith that we must take. It is that conscious decision of making that one small step of faith.

We say goodbye to the past but remain thankful no matter how hard it is to the past that was. The past that made us. We step into a new tomorrow knowing better.

Life is sweeter with a bit of bitterness. A stitched heart makes us more appreciative of the people and things around us.

Faith says, "Lord help me through this."

Perfect faith says, "Lord, I know you will see me through this."

Who Wants Poop? I Do!

I have been so obsessed about being able to express and store enough breastmilk for Arrow especially now that his consumption has increased. So last week, I tripled up on my supplement intake. And yes I was able to store around 12ounces in a day aside from the feeding I get to give him when I leave before work, come home for lunch and when I get home from work. It seemed to be working pretty well for the two of us until I noticed he was pooping on a regular basis!

At first, I thought it was my diet. I started eating more fruits and vegetables and tried to cut down on the protein intake. I drank and drank water and milk. But it still wasn't working. I was thinking that he was seriously constipated. His pediatrician suggested I try using the suppository. So I did and it worked. But after another 2 days, he didn't poop again. His doctor said it wasn't advisable that I keep using the suppository.

I was already panicking because this is the first time I encountered this problem with a purely breastfed baby. So I asked my OB and when she tried to eliminate all possible factors, she concluded that I was taking in too much malunggay supplement tablets so she told me to stop taking them first.

One day passed. No poop. Two days, still no poop. Three days and still no sign of it coming. On the fourth day at around 8 in the morning, it finally arrived.

And for the first time in my life, in my 7 years of mothering I heard angels singing while cleaning Arrow's bum.

For the first time ever poop made me so, so happy.

The Cherry On Top Of My Already Yummy Cake

I was the new kid in school. While all the rest spent kindergarten together, I came from a different pre school. My mom walked me to my classroom. I could feel the kids staring at me. That was 20 years ago when I was in 1st grade.

I had no idea that some of the kids I met that day would turn out to be the few who up to this day I consider to be my bestest friends.

They shared secrets with me during sleepovers, we attended debuts together, they cried with me as I walked down the aisle, we planned baby showers together, attended baptisms and dedications of our children, together we mourned over the loss of someone important. We've seen life together.

As we got older, we all started to have our own lives. Some have chosen to leave our city and live a few hours away while some have chosen to live in other countries. In spite of the distance, we still remain true. In the recent years, its been so difficult to all be together at the same time. Seeing each other at least 4 times a year is rare. But it doesn't change the fact that our friendship remains in tact.

This weekend, I got to meet up with 2 of them. We had lunch and then desert after. I listened to their stories of single life while I amused them with stories of married life. We shared out heartaches, our life's desires. I look forward to times like these for they remind me that life can still be sweeter when they're around.

Every Single Penny

You know you're getting your moneys worth when your 3 year old comes home from school...

Dash: Mom, wook! (Holding up his drawing of the 7 continents)

Me: Wow! That's a nice drawing!

Dash: In Afca, it's hot.

Me: Oh really?

Dash:Yes! And in Antarca, it's cold! Peacher said.

Me: Oh so that's what teacher taught you today huh? What else did you do in school?

Dash: Slept.

Me: What? Did all of you sleep? All of your other classmates also slept?

Dash: No, just me.

Me: What?! Why?

Dash: Yes just me. (flashing the hugest smile in the world).

My Day

This time he didn't forget and he made it a point to give it to me first thing in the morning.

Then hubby and I went for a massage. We picked up the kids and then had lunch with my MIL.


We pretty much stayed home in the afternoon and had pizza delivered while we watched a movie. And then we had dinner with my 2 aunts.

Great day.

4 Months

A year ago today, I had no idea who you were. I wasn't feeling different yet. Only after almost a month did I find out about you. I couldn't believe it.

Four months ago, I was terrified but excited. I wanted to see you. You surprised me by being the biggest among you three. You are a blessing. My angel.

As My Year Comes To Another End

I'm turning a year older tomorrow. I can't believe it. I really can't. I also can't believe how far I've come. It feels like just yesterday when I had no worries, no cares, no other soul to think about. And now, I am surrounded by 4 great boys who are the loves of my life.

My mom and dad never told me that life would be this tough. There was a time when I wanted to regret that. But why should I even? Such a waste of time.

As I look back, I sometimes feel that I haven't done much with my life. While other family members have fought for what they believe in I haven't done anything. A few days ago, I was contemplating on what is is that I am really passionate about? Women's rights? Political issues? Gender concerns? Human rights? Nothing really quite struck me.

As I sit here right now, quietly expressing my thoughts I realize what I am passionate about. God, my husband and my children.

As I turn a year older, I look forward to a year centered around God and my family.

I may not be able to make a change in this world. But I may make a change in our home.

And for me, that is more than enough.

You've Got To Vent It Out

If I want to keep my sanity, I have to complain sometimes about things like:

1. My very small feet. And because women in general love shoes, I love shoes. But I do not love walking out of a shoe store feeling extremely sore about not being able to buy that pair of shoes that looked so comfy, matched most of my wardrobe but had a smallest size a size bigger than my feet.

2. The weekend being too short. After being able to lay in bed without rushing, after watching Transformers and having a blast just being with the kids, Monday is something I really have to hate.

3. Our house being too messy. After picking up the toys, there is food on the floor to be swept and then there are toys to be picked up and then more toys to be put away and then more toys to be picked up. I have not talked about the water that spilled on the tablecloth or the throw pillows on the shelves. What are the pillows doing on the shelves?