Monday, June 9, 2008

Where Can The Answers Be Found?

I wonder if it's wrong to remember the past, to dig into one's heart and bring to life what once was even if we fully know that that once will never be and can never be anymore. It becomes especially difficult especially when the memories you have stored are those which now you realize were the best part of your life and the pain grows deeper knowing that all you have left of that is a mere memory. And the not so good parts? Well, I guess, you will end up smiling as you remember them after all, that's what brought you here today after all.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.

Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.

I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.

That void. I wonder what is it.


Shoshana said...

I usually feel this way when my husband and I are out of sorts. I don't know about other people, but when I think he's mad at me, I get so mad, and hurt and lonely. Especially since he's the one person I can say and tell anything and everything too.

Sandy C. said...

I feel as if that void is something that may follow me all of my life. It seems to have taken on different faces throughout life. One thing as a child, another as a teen, and another as a young adult...the void seems ever constant.

Your writing and thoughts in this post are so beautifully said. I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way. Good for you for taking writing as your means to release and escape. *hugs*

PinksandBluesGirls said...

I just love how you are so honest and so open in your blog. You are ALWAYS such an inspiration and fresh breath of air to read. I am thinking of you!

C said...

Louann, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us through your blog. You write about a lot of things many people go through, but don't talk much about.

Sorry I haven't been around (no internet service for almost a week!!), but you have been in my thoughts.

E-mail me if you feel like it :) cg underscore lee 121875 at hotmail dot com

Waffy said...

Cheer up Lou!