Yearning

It's mother's day again. There's something about it that makes me dread the day and for the past years I couldn't exactly figure out what it was. And it hit me. Last night. It's that time of the year when we honor our moms -- our bestfriends, our role models, we prepare cards, take them out to a good lunch, buy them gifts or be extra nice to them. And I haven't been able to do that for the past 3 years. And it makes my heart ache.

When I was much younger, I would make a card for Mom. I would melt my old crayons and splatter them on the card I was making. When I was old enough to receive allowance, I would save up so that I could buy her a present. A nice handkerchief or a shawl and when I was older and could save up for more, I would get her a nice blouse or a bottle of white linen -- her favorite perfume.

As I sit and think of all the "what ifs" in this world, I find myself crying. Now that I am older and more mature, I feel sad knowing that I can no longer give back to my Mom what she deserves, to make up for all the heartaches I gave her during my younger years.

I miss her so much. There are still so many times I find myself craving for her smell, to embrace her, to talk with her.

I'm finding it hard to look forward to Sunday. How I yearn to brighten up Mom's day, to hug her and to see how excited she would be when we would plan where we would eat out for lunch.

I can't help but feel jealous when I see Moms and daughters together. I wish I still had mine. And although so many people always tell me that "it's OK" and "you're going to be OK," sometimes it just isn't.

Cherish every moment with your Moms.

Happy Mother's Day all you Mommies out there.