Where Have I Been?

I wish I could say I've been to London to visit the queen.

But NO.

The Internet connection at home has been down since 3 weeks ago.

I have so much to say. The Valentines dinner. The birthday of Josh. And the robber who got our money. The long weekend.

So much.

I will write once everything is okay...but for now, I have to rush back to work as I just decided to quickly log on at one of the Inetrnet cafe's.

How have you all been? I hope I still have you guys to read my blog.

Wish I Could But I Couldn't. And With This, I Am Sorry.

How were you as a kid? I mean when you were in pre school or elementary or highschool what kind of a kid were you?

Were you a:

star of the class
loner
attention grabber
dork
class clown
push over
genius of the class
super athlete
leader type
loser

Add to the list if you wish.

I'd want to think I was a good kid-- uh a kind kid but I think NOT. Growing up, I used to have a bunch of girlfriends. We wanted to believe that we were the smartest, prettiest and coolest girls in the class. Continue the story if you want. And yes, we excluded the timid, quiet and shy ones out of our group. Until this day when we have reunions, we tend to forget or leave out a couple of classmates who we neer really made any effort to get to know.

And I regret every single moment of it today.

My 5 year old came home today and told me "Mom, Sam said he does not want to be my friend." I couldn't count how many times my heart broke when I heard him say that. What did you tell Sam I asked? Josh replied, "But your still my friend, I said."

And so, to all those I hurt in the past- whether I was aware of it or not, I truly am sorry.

I really am.

Even If Just For This Year

It may not happen- may not even come close to happening, but IT IS OK to wish , right?

On the morning of the 14th, I'd want to wake up excited. Not even remembering if I actually slept the night before because I had been thinking about the next day. I'd want to spend my day just thinking of you and looking forward to our time together.

The kids would be taken cared of. No need to worry about what they will eat. They will be read a story at night. They will be tucked in to bed. They will sleep tight. No worries.

I'd want to worry about what I will wear or about how I will look. About the perfume I will use.

Will you give me flowers? Maybe chocolates? Or maybe you will surprise me with a letter? Maybe?

I can only think of all that during the day. The rest of the day will be a blur. I will be distracted because I will keep thinking of you.

I never had a candle light dinner. Maybe this year? I never got all dolled up for a date. Maybe this year? I never was surprised by you. Maybe this year?

Sweep me off my feet, just this year.

I try to keep these desires to myself because I say to myself, things are different now. Now that we are married. Now that we have kids.

I've tried to tell you but that's as far as it goes.

But allow me to hope. Allow me to wish. Even if just for this year.

Just An Update.

Just an update on the kids, we brought them for their shots last Saturday.

Josh has been getting better. No need for antibiotics. Just the reglar cough meds and nightly nebulizing.

But the little on caught the bug. He's got the colds and the cough and has been extremely cranky / snappy / grumpy / clingy little boy.

It Makes My Heart Jump

Who He Has Come To Love

Happy Birthdays

When I got home yesterday, my soon to be 6 year old son looked weak. His cheeks were flushed, he was wheezing and he just didn't look right. I knew something was wrong. I wasn't that surprised though, given that his birthday is 3 weeks from now.

Some people have told me that some people do get sick sometime near their birthdays - either before, after or during.

I never wanted to believe that until.

March 1 2003. Josh's 1st birthday party. We decided to celebrate it a week after his actual birthday. The next day, we found ourselves checking JOsh into the hospital due to a viral infection which was causing him to throw up everything he would eat and or drink.

Sometime February 2004, Josh's 2nd party was spent with close friends and family. He was down with cough and colds.

February 2005, JOsh was supposed to have a Superhero's themed birthday party but we decided to cancel 3 days before the party because he had a terrible cough and was down wth the flu. This was the year we discovered he had primary complex and asthma.

February 2006, we did push through with his party even though he had a bad cough and had asthma. He was on antibiotics during his birthday week.

Last year, we did spend his birthday in the beach.

This year, I hope whatever it is he is down with will be over before his actual birthday. It is very difficult to see a child so weak and listless.

Here. There. Everywhere. Tangled.

Whiny. A complainer. A sulker. A pouter. A complainer. That's what I have been lately. But no, people have not been annoyed by my being this simply because I whine, complain, sulk, pout and complain AGAIN- to myself.

No words can describe why I have been feeling this way. THere are probably a million reasons I can think of right now- some of which are shallow and some of which are probably not - in your opinion that is.

I have found myself constantly talking to myself in my mind these past few weeks. Debating with myself whether what I am feeling is normal, telling myself to try to let things go.

And to think I am not pregnant.

Goodness - these emotions.

Get lost I say to them, but they won't. I think they're here to stay for a bit more time.

In 3 Weeks

In 3 weeks, my 5 year old will turn a year older.

(Sniff Sniff Sniff)

I can't believe that it has been almost 6 years since he was born. I enjoyed every single minute of being pregnant with him. He was the best things that ever happened to me. My oife changed but most importantly, he became the instrument the Lord used to change who I was then.

I was young and confused. Scared and afraid. I did not know what tomorrow would bring. But when he was born, suddenly life had meaning. There was purpose. I had hope. He gave me a reason to want to become a better person.

Each year he would turn a year older, I would be reminded of the miracle of life. I would sit and think and be amazed at how such a tiny bean evolved into such a wonderful creation.

I still struggle sometimes. I falter at times. I realize I am not perfect and will never be. He may never really know how much he means to me. I am grateful everyday for this gift the Lord has given to me.

My desire is to grow old and see him grow up. To see him graduate. To watch his games. To play videogames with him. To send him off to college. To take pictures on prom night. To meet his girlfriend. To see him get married. To support him on his first day of his first job. To love his wife. To love his children.

I Love You.

Joshua Alexander.

Today Is A Saturday.

So far, the weekend has been pretty uneventful. Well, today the hubby decided to shoot some hoops in the park with a close friend. He brought along our 5 year old while his friend brought along his 9 year old. I tagged along. While the dads were playing basketball, the 2 little boys decided to climb and swing on the branches of the pine trees, play videogames on the grass, pick up pinecones.

I brought a book with me and when I was bored, drove to a nearby shopping center and picked up a few items. We all had a late snack after that.

Tomorrow is a Sunday and I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

I look forward to weekends, it brings a sense of calm somehow. I also gives me a reason to work hard during the week.

How has your weekend been so far?

Yesterday.

Fir the first time in my entire life, I did my first long out of town drive yesterday. Yipee. I was tasked to attend a job fair in one of the provinces outside our city. It was a 1 1/2 hour drive down to the province of La Union.

I was scared at first but then finally got the hang of it.

When I got there, I had a booth waiting for me there so I immediately set up all the materials I needed. Because I wanted to make the most of the day there, I decided to interview all the applicants. It was draining at first but then I did get to speak with pretty inter sting people.

Whenever I interview applicants. weather in the office or during job fairs like these, I never fail to try to get to know the person better - who he is, why he is, who he wants to be, etc. And a lot of times, I have found myself almost in tears whenever they start talking about their families and their need to find a job to be able to help support the needs of their family.

In developing countries like ours,finding a job is a struggle. Aside from the fact that not everyone is able to earn a college degree (which is a pre requisite for most jobs), even if one is able to earn a 4 year college degree, the educational system is still unable to prepare them for the jobs offered which can give a decent pay. It is hard.

Out of all the applicants I got to talk to, probably 4 or 5 really made the "cut," but I was glad I was able to get to meet new people again. Experiences like these continue to add to my learning's about this world we live in.

By 5PM, I was back home, happy to be with the kids again.

Blah

Feeling really - really --really bad today.

Am not sure if it is worth even telling you about it but to cut the long story short what really makes me feel sad is the fact that of all people who you expect to stand by you, to care for you, to understand you - they are the first to turn their back on you.

It breaks my heart.

--

In the meantime, go on over to Susie's blog. There is some very interesting topic brewing over at her blog.

It Should Never Really Matter -- Really.

She did have her baby girl last December.

On Sunday, we went to the baby's christening.

I was seated on the couch in their living room since the reception was held there. My boys were with me. My 5 year old was watching TV. My little one was running / hopping around. I was seated beside my friend who happens to have a 10 year old boy and a 4 year old boy. Her 10 year old was beside my older one. while her 4 year old was running around.

The grandmother of the baby girl (Mom of the father of the baby) came around while cradling the baby to sleep. She looks at our boys and says "Boys are very different, look at them! They are all over the place!" I give a polite giggle. And she says in a know-it-all voice "Lou Ann, you should have a baby girl yourself. It is very different. THEY ARE VERY DIFFERENT." "Ahh look at your boys!!!" "See? Look at her?! Don't you just want a baby girl??"

Uh in case she didn't know, the baby she was holding was 6 weeks old. Of course she could not run and jump around just yet!

Insulted. That's exactly how I felt.

I said "If I do have another baby, I don't really care if it is a boy or a girl anymore. A healthy and normal baby would be perfectly fine with me."

Ughhh.

I feel soooo irritated whenever I remember that incident.

I will be honest - I never imagined how much joy and warmth and contentment I would feel with my 2 boys. I did for a while, think that having a baby girl would be much better than having another baby boy. But heck no! Right now, I would never ever think of not wanting my 2 boys.

I think I am perfectly happy with tumbling and running and jumping. I have accepted bumps and bruises and scars and scratches. I have welcomed bugs and caterpillars and spiders into my home. Enjoying the robots and cars and trucks and blocks. I am slowly trying to learn to keep up with shooting hoops and climbing trees. I look forward to prom night and girlfriends and ---oh I can't seem to say it just yet --- OK...daughters in-law.

My boys will grow up to be my protectors. They will be my body guards. They will look after me when their father is out of town. They will love me just as I have loved them.

Why is it such a big deal. And why do I have to be so affected anyway.

I Tried But It Was Just Too Much

Did anybody here watch Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium?

Goodness.

Halfway through the movie, I had to get up and leave the room. I could not watch it any longer. Do agree with me if you felt the same way about the movie, but the movie was just too emotional for me to take! It had too many life lessons packed in such a short span of time-- just when I was trying to get over one very strong statement or line, here comes Mr. Hoffman delivering another one.

Every time there was a profound thought expressed, memories or experiences would come rushing through my mind. My heart would be filled with so much emotion and sometimes tears would just well up in my eyes. And right after I would dry my eyes, here would come another line that would speak right through my heart.

There was a scene there where Dustin Hoffman said he found a pair of shoes in Tuscany which he loved so much that he bought all the pairs in the store. And then he looks down at his shoes and looks up and then says "These are my last pair." And then the next scene where he is sitting down with his feet up on the table, you will notice that the sole of his shoes have holes.

And then it really hits you, time is running out.

Which brought me to think, will you ever really know if you are about to die? Will you even have the slightest clue that your time is about to come to an end? Yes, that the sole of your shoes have holes in them and that that pair is your last?

And then Natalie Portman says something like "But you have to live." And the Mr. Magorium answers her by saying " I have."

I would want to be able to say that when it is my time to go. That I had no regrets whatsoever, that whatever life presented me with, I happily took it and accepted it. That my life completed me and made me ready to say that I am ready to go.

Fear Provoking

Leaning against the wall and the headboard, I was watching TV while partially reading a magazine- this was about an hour ago. Husband snoring. Little one busy "helping" our househelp segregate the laundry. Older one sleepy but still watching TV. Oh yeah we were watching a show on National Geographic featuring the son of Sir Edmund Hillary and his attempt at climbing Everest.

Suddenly, it started to shake. I could hear the windows shaking. I sat up. Still shaking, this time the shaking getting stronger. I started to wake my husband up. He sat up and the shaking still got stronger. TV turned off. I jumped up and told my older one to get up. The husband called out for the little one. We started to walk towards our front door. They came out with the househelp from the laundry room. The little one now being carried by my husband. Still shaking.

And then it stopped. It finally did.

"That was a long one" I told my husband.

I can't explain how much fear I still feel every time we experience aftershocks. The memory of that fateful day in July almost 17 1/2 years ago still comes rushing back. Even the slightest shaking stirs up the fear in my heart.

When the shaking finally stopped, we all stayed in the living room for a while. My 5 year old asked me what that was and why I was so scared. Suddenly, my husband and I found ourselves sharing with him the experience we went through during the 1990 killer earthquake that hit our city.

He had a lot of "huwat's?!" and "ahh's!" and "oh's" while listening to me tell stories. And while I was telling him all about that experience, I too could not believe that all that happened. I realized how blessed I was. Many people died during that earthquake.

Although we were told that aftershocks were to be expected, for me, it never becomes "common." Each and every aftershock that came during the past 17 1/2 years still invokes fear. Especially now that I have children-- what if I am not with my children when there is another aftershock? What is it isn't just and aftershock? What if another earthquake comes?

We can never control Mother Nature.

Moments like this reminds me of how small we are in the universe. Moments like this reminds me that I am human. Moments like this makes me feel scared.

You Think You're Not But You Are

Thank You C for this award! You are the sweetest!

--

Which brings me to think about thinking and how powerful it can be. When we pick up a book to read, we think. While watching TV, we think. While engaged in a conversation, we think. While blogging, we think. Sometimes, we may not be aware that we are thinking. I guess our brains look for it?

Thinking allows us to learn. As we process our thoughts, we discover insights which make us more aware of who we are.

When I was away from home for 6 weeks for my training with my new job, I would find myself sitting down, doing nothing. While senior employees were busy about doing their everyday tasks, there I was in the corner, quietly waiting until someone gave me work to do. It drove me crazy. I didn't understand why I had to be so far away from home doing nothing. So when I got the chance to talk with the SVP of the training department, I shared with him my feelings and opinion about this. I expressed the feeling of disappointment doing nothing when all the while I was expecting to be trained -- to learn. I was expecting him to empathize and understand where I was coming from. I was taken aback when he said, " the quiet time you spent just sitting down, looking around you, listening to others was in itself the training - the learning experience." Because, he said, all the thoughts and feelings and emotions that were running through my mind and my heart were teaching me. It may not have been the technical training I was expecting, but I was still learning.

I stood up and could not collect my thoughts. I wanted to cry. I felt humiliated. I felt sad. I found time to be alone and be quiet and I thought of all the things the SVP told me. And then slowly, I began to realize that yes, it was indeed a learning experience.

Months later, I am slowly starting to comprehend what he meant. What it all meant. I understand the importance of keeping still to listen to yourself without having to say anything. To think to yourself. It is important to know how to, once in a while, step back from the deafening chitter chatter of the people around you and just be quiet.

Think.

Why My Feet Are Cold In The Morning

Wondering What This Is All About

Guess what I have been feeling lately? Weird. Yes.

There is this feeling I am feeling that I can't seem to explain. And whenever I try to blog, I feel weird. Is it because I had been 'gone' for a while last year and may have lost touch with some of my blogging friends? I don't know. Whenever I try to write something (because I felt I had an inspiration to write about something), the box where you are to type your post remains blank for a long time. Suddenly. I had nothing to say. And then I decide to save it for another day so I shut down the computer but as soon as I do, I suddenly have something to write about but by this time, I am already too lazy and say to myself I will write about it tomorrow and then when tomorrow comes, I feel weird again.

Did you ever feel this way? What is this called? What causes this to happen?

I miss my old self.

And I can't wait to go back to my old self.

60

She would have turned 60 today.

January 7, 1948.

I miss you so much. I still think of you everyday.

I Love You Mama.

Believe

2008. Hmmmm. A new year ahead for all of us. But what does it mean to me? Me, being me - optimistic, I think I would want to believe that this year will be another great year ahead.
Of tears shed. Of funny moments. Of painful and heartbreaking experiences. Of heart warming memories.

We look forward to each tomorrow that this year will bring.

Try to find meaning and purpose even in just the littlest things. Cry -- crying is good. Find joy in what you do. Hurt if you must. But learn to forgive. For we age because of the bitterness kept inside the heart. Know that in everything, there is a purpose. We have a big God and our problems can never be to big for us if we trust in our God.

Life would not be life if it were all pain. Life would not be called life if it were all joy. Life would not exist if it were perfect. Life exists because we live to find perfection in the pain, in the joy, in the hurt, in the laughter even if we know it will never be and that is what makes it so beautiful.
Feel each day. Be aware of what is happening. Know which things must be given importance. Take a minute or two each day to spend with yourself. Think. Ponder. Realize. Learn. Feel. Know. Be.

Never forget that we have choices. That we are never NOT given a choice.

Know and believe that tomorrow can always be better than today if we have faith.

Here's to 2008.