Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Past

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see

T'was Grace that taught
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
then when we've first begun

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

It's not like I am proud of IT but I am proud of the fact that I survived and conquered and IT has molded me into the WHO I am today.
Growing up at home wasn't easy. I had an alcoholic Dad. At first, I could not understand why my Mom would tolerate Dad's drinking. His drinking affected pretty much how our day would revolve. We hardly had any "family outings."
On the other hand, I had great parents.
Minus the drinking, Dad was a very principled man. He was an intellectual. He was a voracious reader - 2 novels a day, 3 if he really did not have anything to do. He did crossword puzzles for the heck of finishing it. He would write his articles minutes before the press would close - most of the time intoxicated. He loved me and my Mom.
Mom was a giver. She spent 28 years teaching her passion - Psychology. Except for those she reprimanded for obnoxious behavior, her students loved her. She had the hugest heart in the whole world. She loved Dad. She loved me.
I was popular during our elementary years. 9 of us girls had a group. We were the meanest yet smartest girls in class. Come to think of it, I was always in the top 5 of our class.
When I got to highschool, I hated having to stay home. I always wanted to be out of the house. I would come up with excuses so that my Dad would allow me to go out - often times, I would use school as an excuse.
When I got to sophomore year, I was smoking and drinking. I cut class everyday. Towards the end of Sophomore year, I met a guy, let me call him 'the guy'. He was a year older and he became my first boyfriend.
Both of us were lost souls looking for a place in this world. Both of us misunderstood by many. We resorted to drinking and cutting class.
Shortly after my 18th birthday, I got pregnant by 'the guy'. I remember clearly, that was early September.I knew I got pregnant after 'it' happened. I refused to take a pregnancy test for the heck of confirming it. I was in denial. I tried talking to 'the guy' and tried asking him what his plans were. I couldn't get quite a straight answer from him. One day he'd tell me we would do this together but his actions would say otherwise. Other days he wouldn't want to see me, hide from me in fact.
I got home at 4AM and was shocked to see my Mom still awake, standing in the kitchen, light dimly lit, cigarette in one hand. And then she asked me "are you pregnant?" I pretended not to hear her and went straight to my room.
The next day, she came in to my room and embraced me. She told me "Lou, we are in this together. I won't leave you. But we have to be prepared to leave if Dad sends us away." I told her I was scared.
Mom eventually told Dad. Mom said, one afternoon, after finding out, Dad just walked under the rain. I was avoiding my Dad this whole time.
Dad called me to sit down. He said we had to talk. I was so freaked out. And then Dad said, "Have you chosen a crib? What about the pram?" And then Dad embraced me soooo tight.
(now i'm crying).
So what happened to 'the guy?' Well, my Mom called up his Mom and told her about the whole thing. Anyway, cut the long dang story short. Our parents talked and agreed that there would be no marriage but 'the guy' would be very welcome to be a part of every step of the way. From the pre-natal check ups to the changing of the diapers.
My Mom accompanied me to my first pre-natal check up. I went for my first ultrasound sometime in November 2000. My mom and I just had this feeling that it was going to be a girl. Baby looked healthy based on the ultrasound results. Expected date of delivery: June 11, 2001. I had a name for her, it was going to be Angelia Karle and her nickname would be Lia.
Mom and I went looking around for a crib. We ended up buying baby bottles and tie-sides. My cousin got me the What to Expect When You Are Expecting and a Girlfriend's Guide. Everyone treated me like a princess at home. My Mom accompanied me during my craving days. I loved steak. I could eat it 3 times a day. My OB gave me no restrictions on my diet as I was under weight by 5 lbs. I started drinking my milk and my vitamins. Mom and I started to look for maternity clothes that wouldn't make me look too shockingly pregnant. I was 18 for crying out loud.
December 12, 2000. Dad, Mom, 'the guy' and I had dinner at home. Shortly after 'the guy' left, I stood up and went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, there was blood on my undies. Bloody red. "Mom!!!!! I'm bleeding!" Dad hailed a cab and we all went to the hospital. We left a message at 'the guy's' house to inform him about what happened.
I spent the night in the hospital with my Mom. I was to have an ultrasound first thing in the morning. The bleeding would not stop. They gave me Duvadilan thru an IV drip.
Next morning, my OB came to see me. I asked her if the baby was going to be okay and she said she could not tell at this point. I went in for my ultrasound and demanded to know how the baby was from the radiologist. Radiologist said "we will forward the results to your OB."
OB came in to my room an hour later. She said, "Lou the baby did not grow from the last ultrasound you had 3 weeks ago."
Family and friends came. All of them embracing me and assuring me that everything would be okay. They kept reminding me to "fight for you baby."
Later that night, my Mom went to the caf to buy soda and chips. I was laying down and a close friend of mine was by my side holding my hand. The pain just kept getting more and more painful. When my friend left, I couldn't take the physical pain anymore. And then I looked up and said it, "Lord this is you child. " And then I pressed the buzzer in my room. The nurses came in, I told them I could not stand the pain anymore. My back and tummy were killing me. The doctor did an IE. Then the baby came out just as my Mom was walking thru the door.
I saw my Mom and told her "the baby is gone." I remember this scene so so clearly. Mom dropped everything she was holding, the chips and the soda. She ran to me and just said "anak!" (child). And then she embraced me.
I had a D&C a few hours later. I was so groggy.
The next day, I was discharged.
I did not know where to start over.
But I did. By God's grace I am here today and by faith, He will conitnue to see me through each day.
Today I am married to 'the guy' better known as Jet. We've been together for 10 years, living together for 6 years and married for 3 years.
We have a talkative, inquisitive, gobbling up everything, cartoon loving, superhero fanatic 5 year old pre-schooler and an adorable, food loving, energetic, cruising around the house 11 month baby boy.
Mom and Dad served their purpose in this world. They got me to where I am today. And that is why it was time for them to go.
Miss you Dad. Miss you Mom. Thank You.


Chaos Control said...

Oh dear Lord, lady - you've got me crying so much I can barely see to type this. I don't even know what to say, other than WOW. WOW. You have a fan in me, sister. I can learn from your strength. God bless you.

Jennboree said...

WOW. Thank you THANK YOU for sharing. You are an amazing woman and you can probably thank your parents' love and acceptance as part of the reason.

Good for you, understanding parents have flaws as they are human too. That's a hard reality to see sometimes.

Neva said...

What an awesome story. Not that you need to clarify for a random reader of your blog...but did you marry "the guy" that got you pregnant? Either way, what a life and doesn't God work in mysterious ways. Good luck with your family.

Amanda Sue said...

thank you so much for sharing that. you are really brave to bare your soul that way. i cannot fathom losing a child, and i know that is something no parent ever wants to face.

this is amazing to me:

"It's not like I am proud of IT but I am proud of the fact that I survived and conquered and IT has molded me into the WHO I am today."

because that is true of all of us, whether we admit it or not.

louann said...

I was unsure, at first, about how readers would react. THANK YOU for allowing me to realize that what I bared is alright.
Now I feel better - a truer person :)

susiej said...

Louann, your honesty is amazing. I'm crying too! How touching that the baby brought you back to a close relationship with your parents. I love that all of your relatives gathered around you to support you. What a beautiful post.

Shoshana said...

Louann, you got me crying too. It felt good because I am so darned tired today.

What a road you've traveled, and you're a wonderful person for it.

Your parents rock!

Pinks & Blues Girls said...

Louann, you are SO brave and strong and honest! I commend you for putting this all out there... the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm so sorry you lost that baby. But I am so happy that you are in such a wonderful place now. Thank you for sharing.