Wednesday, June 20, 2007

And They Just Keep Rolling Down

I totally suck when it comes to controlling my tears. My Mom once told me that I was such an emotional pool because when I was young, around 3 or 4 years old, she would read me the Little Miss Suzy book and I would just keep crying and crying midway through the story. And as I grew older, I started to slowly realize how much of an emotional pool I really am.

Growing up, there was no such thing as cable TV. I remember 2 or 3 channels with very very few shows to choose from. So nice movie specials on TV were indeed a treat. But I remember, I refused to watch Lassie because animal stories made me sick to the gut - they made me very very sad and made me cry a lot - even if they always had a happy ending. And the movie of Benjie? Never watched it too.

Aside from movies with animals as their heroes, movies of all sorts- which were not comedy in nature, made me cry. Remember E.T.? Agh, I could not stop my tears from rolling down my face but I was too ashamed to wipe them off in front of my cousins. Instead, I left the room and pretended I was more interested in playing than watching. And then Land Before Time became a hit. I cried until the end and instead of me being happy in the end, I cried even more especially when the "If We Hold On Together" song started to play. Movies like these stressed me out big time. I never watched The Lion King - I would have had a nervous breakdown at that point if I did force myself to watch it, so what did I do? I forced myself to sleep through the movie.

Goodbyes are also the absolute worst for me. I had 2 cousins who I grew up with although they were 8 and 9 years older than me, I loved them dearly - I loved bugging them. So when they graduated from highschool, they decided to study in universities 5 hours away from where we lived. They would come home on weekends - which would be such a highlight for me - but come Sundays, they would head back to their dorms. My goodness, everytime they would leave for the bus station, there would be this huge knot in my throat and my tummy would be turning. Although I was better in controlling my tears, there were times when I would not even say goodbye and instead stay in my room until I would hear the gate close.

Books make me cry too. I get too attached to the characters - even to the point of starting to believe they actually existed. I read the Joy Luck Club and could not stop crying. And then in college, we were required to read Ernest Hemingway's The Old Man and The Sea. The thought of an old man who would go out to sea alone just made me plain sad.

And the worst is when my pets die. I always had dogs as pets. When I was 1 or 2 years old, my Dad got me a boxer dog who we named - uh yeah, Ali. She was the kindest dog ever, with droopy eyes and short brown fur. I grew up knowing her as my pet and she did grow old with us. She got an ear infection and when it was treated, got another in the other ear. Anyway, the time came when Ali was just too old and the vet said the best option would be to "put her to sleep." This broke my heart and I just kept crying and crying. They buried her in our back yard and I made sure her collar was buried with her. We had to get another dog shortly after just to make the pain a little easier to bear, so my Dad got me a cocker terrier. We named him Bozzy. He had black fur on his body and brown fur on his paws (like he was wearing socks), he had big round eyes and a very cute snout. He lived with us inside the house. I loved him dearly. I would bathe him and comb his hair. And then one afternoon, he was able to run out of the house, having discovered his new found freedom, he ran to the road. He got ran over by a car. When my Dad got to his side, Bozzy no longer had a pulse. This was the worst time for all of us. I remember crying and crying and crying and crying and my Mom and Dad were crying too and we were all hugging each other. My Dad buried him in our backyard and again, I made sure his collar, favorite toy and food trough were buried with him.

I just totally suck when it comes to such things. But then, a good cry once in a while allows me to bring out whatever it is that is inside of me.


Jennboree said...

I think crying is just an outlet for you. You're obviously a very loving, nurturing person so naturally you wear your heart on your sleeve.

I think Isabella is very much like you. She refuses most Disney movies because they all have sadness or bad guys.

Perhaps if more people allowed the tears to flow, they'd not turn to other means of comfort, ya know?

SusieJ said...

Tears have chemicals in them that are bad for your body. That's why they burn sometimes. You're doing your body good, and I agree with jennboree.