Thursday, June 21, 2007

Just Like We Used To

I wish you were here, especially at this point in my life. So many things I want to tell you, so many stories I want to share, so many questions I want to ask, too many hurts I want to release.
There have been a lot of things happening lately. One, I got into grad school and guess what?! Dr. Ray is my classmate. I entered the classroom and saw him but I could not quite remember where I saw him or met him. And when Dr. Ray saw me, he stared at me with his finger pointing at me and he said "Ma'am Lulu's daughter?" And I was like, "Dr. Ray!" I got all excited about seeing him there. And then one of my classmates asked me why I knew him and I told her that Dr. Ray was the one who did your lung aspiration thing and biopsy and that he was the one who found out you had cancer. I tried to be casual about it and all, but deep inside that day in February 2 years ago kept playing in my mind.
And then yesterday, I entered the classroom and saw Lyza. I know! She is my classmate! How weird is that. I did not approach her at first as I wasn't too sure how to approach her but then the teacher asked us to introduce ourselves to each other, so when it was my turn, I looked directly at her and said that I was Lou Ann and then her eyes opened wide and she just said "Oh the one and only" and then she gave me a very warm smile. I remember when she was still your student and you would tag me along to your classes and there would be times when you would leave me with her. Gosh, your students are now my classmates Ma.
Agh Ma, just been feeling so yucky lately. Many many things. My realization that no one will ever take your place is now a fact. Tell me, how can you say you love a person if you want to hold them by the neck? How can a person grow if you keep breathing down their necks everytime something not nice happens? How come only the bad in you is noticed no matter how small but when you do something good it goes unnoticed - no merit at all. How can they ever say it is love if the underlying tone is they want something back in return? And how can they ever demand for me to trust them if I just simply cannot - or will not maybe. I know there is a big difference, but! I remember when you told me that a child is like a handful of sand, grasp it tightly and it will slip away, open your palm gently and it will stay there.
It;s just too frustrating already. I know we don't have that much and I appreciate all the help but I wish it were given out of the goodness of their hearts. Plus what I don't quite understand is, why it has to be this way. I'm 25 - not that young but not old enough to be wise, I have a job, I am in grad school, I care for the boys, I am married, Jet is earning, we pay the bills and yet we are treated as children. How will we learn? Is it going to be this way forever? My point also is I guess, do I have to live up to their expectations? I don't understand. Give me a little perspective here.
Oh yeah been wanting to ask you about your chicken-rice recipe. Do you put tomato sauce and mix it with the rice? Been wanting to cook that.

No comments: