Saturday, February 3, 2007

My Pink Tainted Glasses

So yeah, my pink tainted glasses have been crushed. Thing haven't been too pink and rosy and sparkly and glittery in la-la land. I have been emotionally drained the past few days. I believe that I have had no posts regarding my rants and compliants and gripes. Things haven't been too great at home and in the office.
I go throught times of drought, like I just feel so dry inside. A lot of questions flood my mind and my heart aches a bit. Lately, I have found myself trying to asses and reasses my life. I can't quite explain what this is all about nut you know, there are times when I'm in the office and I suddenly wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Shouldn't I be home with the kids? And then I look around me and see a bunch of yuppies, perfectly driven and motivated, determined to climb that steep corporate ladder then I suddenly realize that although I have my kids to take care of, I would also want to join that race and climb the ladder too. ANd then it hits me, am I being too selfish? I don't know.
What about my plans of continuing with my Master's degree? How come I haven't started working on the applucation process? Which got me to think, that if I continue working full time and then enroll this coming semester, I would probably have less quality time with the kids. Unless I pretend to be Superwoman. But I know that it the end, the kids are going to grow up on me and will eventually have a life of their own and I wouldn't want to lose my life now and then later on start trying to look for one when the kids are gone.
I love my family terribly that's why it probably hurts so much at times.
On top of these emotions, I find myself looking for my Mom. She was the only who would never get tired of listening to me. Yes I have friends who I can talk to and pour out my heart and soul to, but sometimes I just feel like not telling them. Like a friend of mine asked me yesterday how I was doing because I didn't look to good, I just felt like telling her " I'm ok, don't worry, I just feel sad because the caterpillar in our backyard got squished by our dog."
We have our good days, we have our bad.


Lizzy said...

I feel like this a lot, Louann. Every day, in fact.
I miss my job, I miss my work, I miss the daily validation.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to put Henry in daycare and for me to go back to work. Our financial situation would be better off, for sure. And maybe Henry would have more fun, too?
It's something I struggle with every day. You're not alone, that's for sure.
I think for a woman, especially, to have to fight for her equality in the workplace and then downshift to staying home with the children--by choice--it's a hard transition. No matter if you've been a stay at home mom for a week or years.

louann said...

hey lizzy. thanks. it really makes me feel so much better when other mommies tell me that they often feel that way. it just assures me that indeed i am not the only one. that this happens to almost all mommies regardless of cultural background.