Saturday, May 10, 2008

After All, It Is Our Day

We celebrated it as mom-daughter for 18 years.We celebrated it together as moms for 3 years. I have been celebrating it alone for the past 3 years.

It's that time of the year again. I wanted to believe that it would get easier as the years went by. But not really, the feelings stirring in me are still the same as they were last year and the year before. Maybe it can be described differently, but the intensity is still the same.

The feeling of inadequacy has been so heavy lately. Wanting to turn to someone to talk to, to ask about things, to share stories with. Wanting to ask if what I am doing is right, if I should do something more, etc.

I guess being a mom now just makes me realize what kind of a bond only a mother and a child could share. It pains me to know that now that I want to nurture that bond with my Mom, I can't do it anymore.

Life was never explained to me in full detail-- after all, that would have been impossible to do. But growing up as an only child may have shielded me from a lot of the harsh realities of life. Is anyone to blame? And just when I was entering adulthood, the Lord decided it was time for Him to take away my parents. It was easy to accept in the beginning because just thinking of them having to suffer more (in the hospital) pained me too much. But as time has gone by, I have found myself questioning what this is all about.I'm not as strong as people think I am. And many times, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Or scream my head off. Or fall asleep for 10 years.

There are so many things I want escape. I'm yearning for that voice that could tell me that everything will turn out right. That things will be OK.

Each day I tell myself that later would be better, that tomorrow will be fine. Even if deep down in my heart there is so much doubt. It has proven to be very difficult to fight that doubt, to keep the faith, to believe that behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. Reality bites. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows and nobody will ever know.


C said...

Oh, Louann! This was such a sobering post. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It is so clear how close you and your mom were and how much you love her.

This post had me in tears because I could almost feel the emotions you're going through. My mom and I are close too, and I hate thinking about the day that she will leave us. Now that she's in her 50s, it's more and more of a reality that our parents will not be with us forever. When we're kids, we think our parents are super heroes and that they'll live forever.

I sometimes wish I were still a kid.


Heart of Rachel said...

This is a touching post. I could feel how much you miss your mom.