The feeling of inadequacy has been so heavy lately. Wanting to turn to someone to talk to, to ask about things, to share stories with. Wanting to ask if what I am doing is right, if I should do something more, etc.
I guess being a mom now just makes me realize what kind of a bond only a mother and a child could share. It pains me to know that now that I want to nurture that bond with my Mom, I can't do it anymore.
Life was never explained to me in full detail-- after all, that would have been impossible to do. But growing up as an only child may have shielded me from a lot of the harsh realities of life. Is anyone to blame? And just when I was entering adulthood, the Lord decided it was time for Him to take away my parents. It was easy to accept in the beginning because just thinking of them having to suffer more (in the hospital) pained me too much. But as time has gone by, I have found myself questioning what this is all about.I'm not as strong as people think I am. And many times, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Or scream my head off. Or fall asleep for 10 years.
There are so many things I want escape. I'm yearning for that voice that could tell me that everything will turn out right. That things will be OK.
Each day I tell myself that later would be better, that tomorrow will be fine. Even if deep down in my heart there is so much doubt. It has proven to be very difficult to fight that doubt, to keep the faith, to believe that behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. Reality bites. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows and nobody will ever know.