Dr.Charity a.k.a. Dr. Heavensent

Please visit this link http://www.mb.com.ph/issues/2006/08/27/SCTY2006082772710.html. It is an article on Dr. Heavensent, Mom's oncologist.
Reading it just reminded me of how Dr. Heavensent took very very good care of Mom when she was still with us. She made every single moment of Mom on earth as comfortable as possible.
Thank you Dr. Charity, truly you are Heavensent.
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Missing you, Mom.

Tuesday Tellings

I'm back ...
I was on leave yesterday. Actually, I was supposed to come in but I felt a bit sick so I went back to the doctor to have a follow up check up. Track back a bit...Since the kids got sick, I too got the germs argh. So I went to the doctor last Thursday and antibiotics were prescribed. Last Sunday my chest was still feeling a bit heavy so I decided to go to the doctor yesterday. She told me to continue with the antibiotics but gave me a different mucolytic. I hate times like these.
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The weekend was pretty great though. I got to spend a lot of time with the kids. Dash turned 8 months last Saturday. I have mixed feelings. Happy because I just can't believe where the time has gone. The last time I remember, I was a zombie, having to wake up every 2 hours at night and now I am able to sleep relatively peacefully except for the 2 feedings during the night. 8 months ago, I would just stare at a little bundled blanket with a tiny breathing creature in it and now, I stare in horror at an 8-month old baby who tries to crawl but fails to do so, so decides to get on all his fours and dive just to be able to move a bit closer to his toy. Sad because seeing how my little one has grown reminds me some more that in a few months, I am going to have a toddler. Which will mean in a few years I am going to have a pre-schooler. And it freaks me out. Bottom line is, I am no longer going to have a baby.
So yeah the weekend, I went to the doctor in the morning and did a few groceries. I so love the grocery. I enjoy looking around. And the best part is, every time I go to the grocery, I always have my list. And every time I leave the grocery, I leave with double the items that were on my list. I know. After that, we went back home and cooked pansit (stir fried noodles). We do this every month when Dash turns a month older -- like a mini celebration and a reason for us to eat. After that we had dinner out since it was the birthday of my SIL. Josh slept over at my MIL's house. We got home and then Jet and I decided to do a One Tree Hill marathon -- it was a lazy Saturday night for all of us. And then we had lunch at my MIL's place on Sunday just in time to also pick up Josh. We lazed around the rest of the afternoon. Ahh I love the weekends - I really do.

Where are my BABIES?!

Has anyone seen where my babies went?
Seriously, the last time I saw my older one (Josh), he was laying on our couch drinking his milk from the bottle (as seen in picture). He is about 2 1/2 years old, around 3 feet in height and weighs around 30-35lbs. If you ask him his name, he will answer you by saying "name is Osh Amos."

The other baby was last seen on his bouncer, trying to figure out who's shadow was who's. He is 1 month old and weighs around 7lbs. He may cry a lot especially when not beside the boob or the smell of the boob.

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Oh there they are!!!!!!

Whew, it took me some time to recognize them!

Although I couldn'd quite get a staright answer form the younger one,since he still cannot express himself clearly, I saw him attempting to reach out for his toy, I figured he crawled out of his bouncer when he clearly saw the colorful, cute crinkly buble bee on the rug and wanted to play with it. Whew, close call. For a while I though I lost him! Talk about being a responsible parent who knows how to watch over a newborn!!!

The older one had to do a lengthier expalnation as I found him in the car!! SO since when were you allowed out of the house by yourself young man? ANd he answered me by saying "Ma, you told me to put on my shoes and wait in the car so that we wouldn't be late!" Uh, I did? He had a full bottle of milk when I left him on the couch a couple of minutes ago.

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Please help support my campaign: THE HELP STOP BABIES AND TODDLERS FROM GROWING UP ON THEIR PARENTS WHO LOVE THEM DEARLY CAMPAIGN.

Watcha Think?

So watchathink about pacifiers? Dash cannot live without his. I ususally stick it in his mouth when he is either:

1). Cranky (but not hungry)
2). Sleepy and can't get his sleep (but still not hungry)
3). When we have lunch out on Sundays and he wishes not to sit still in his stroller or car seat
4). When he is on his Bumbo playing and wants to shove all of his toys in his mouth
5). When he is rolling around on the bed while looking for pillows and blankets to suck on
6). In the middle of the night right after I have given him a bottle but still want to suck on something

** Geez that sounds like the pacifier is always in his mouth -- but no. He has his noisy moments.
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Josh NEVER appreciated the pacifier because he preferred his left thumb over the dummy rubber nipple when he was just 4 months old. We tried many times to stick in the dummy but Josh would just spit it out. Smart kid. AND boy, he sucked on that left thumb for the next 3 1/2 years of his life. Of course, we all kept encouraging him to stop, but to no avail. He just stopped on his own. Except for a chapped left thumb nail, I don't think Josh's thumb sucking really had any negative effect on him. His front teeth arean't crooked, he seems emotionally stable.
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I came across this article, http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/PR/00067.html which gave me a better understanding of the pacifier. And I must agree with both the pro's and con's although Dash's sucking on the pacifier never interfered with my breastfeeding (when I was still breastfeeding him). But I still have no idea what to expect as Dash's grows more and more fond of his pacifier.





** picture taken when he was 4 months. And please do not laugh / make fun of the spunky funky standing up at the back but flat up front hair (attempts were made to "fix" it for the picture but to no avail).

Mom of 2

When I gave birth to Josh, I never imagined having another kid - well not really in the sense that I vowed never to have kids again - it's just that, it just never crossed my mind. Like it was never a thinking topic for me. Josh became my world - he became everybody's world, my parents, my in-laws, my cousins, my aunts. When Josh was 1 year and 10months, Jet and I got married but it never crossed our minds to plan for another kid just yet. But after a few more years, I guess we felt it was about time Josh had got a sibling. So after 3 1/2 years, I discovered I was carrying another little bean in my tummy.
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Being pregnant again was a different experience from when I was carrying Josh. And during this time, I couldn't quite imagine how my life would be with another kid in the house. My life still revolved around Josh. There were nights when I would lay in bed and try to remember how it was when Josh was a baby. I would look at Josh, who was laying beside me and I would try to recall the sleepless nights I shared with him, how it felt to change a stinky diaper, my perils of burping an ultra-mega-delicate breathing but not yet squirming little creature -- god I just couldn't! It just seemed so far far away! And as much as I wanted to imagine that I would be able to love 2 children, I just couldn't. Josh just seemed to be the only one who mattered to me at that time. Yes, I loved the baby -- of course! But I just couldn't imagine how it felt to equally love 2 little children.
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A soon as I heard Dash's cry when he was delivered, I couldn't explain the feelings that suddenly rushed all over me. Unexplainable. Now I had two little boys who I would love unconditionally. It felt so perfect.
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Today, I have given up on my dolls, lace and pink. Over the past 5 years, I have learned to play with trucks, blocks, mud and sand. I have found excitement in sweating it out in the garden playing ball and tag.
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And at the end of the day, there is nothing more perfect than staring at my two little superheroes wiped out after a day of rumble and tumble.
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God I love my family -- and that's what pretty much matters to me - now, tomorrow and forever.

Seriously Speaking

So Jet has finally decided that is is time for him to look for a job. Thank God -- really. When he left his job a year ago, we really thought it was going to be a good idea. The one main reason he did this was because he wanted to spend more time with the family especially since I was due in 4 months back then. As I mentioned in my previous entries, he ventured into business, which never actually made a whole lot of money. We used to fight --often-- about everything because we could start to feel the consequences of having only one of us ear and get paid on a regular 15-30 basis. Aside from this, I believe that having a job builds one's character. And so...after 1 year, Jet has expressed his intentions of applying again for a job.
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I honestly feel very good about this. I think this will benefit the whole family in the long run. And maybe, just maybe (with my fingers and toes and eyes crossed), I will be able to look for a part time job so that I could spend more time with the kids and continue with my Master's degree. Otherwise, the other good thing about this will be at least Jet will have a better understanding of the need to perform well, excel and give you heart into whatever it is you are doing. Which will mean, we will both understand the importance of one's job.
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I am pretty excited about what is in store for us. I think a lot about the future of my boys. All I really want for them is to have a secured future. I know how much my Mom and Dad worked so hard in order to give me the best --good education that is, and I would want to also give that to my boys.
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Keep you posted.
Wish us luck and please pray with us =)
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Which Does He Love More?

His Sock?

Or His Cookie?

Speaking Of

I have been reading blogs of mommies whose kiddos are sick. And I really feel for all mommies and kiddos going thru such. Sick babies are absolutely the worst -- I mean I just feel so bad when my babies are sick.
So yeah my babies are sick. Argghhh. I know. Just last month both Josh and Dash were under medication, dash even being under antibiotics. Lately, it's been real cold in our city. And whenever this happens, Josh usually goes into an attack, but his 2 attacks in the past 7 months have been fairly manageable without us having to bring him to his pulmo peed. We would just have to nebulize him and give him cough meds. I figured the little guy's immune system must be a lot stronger by now. The sad, crappy, yucky, irritating thing is, whenever Josh has an attack, the baby is surely to catch the virus too.
It was Dash's 2nd day of coughing so we brought him to his peed. And he has bronchitis. Eeeesh. I hate it. So the poor little guy is on antibiotics again and he has not had a good night's sleep for the past 2 days. He also hardly eats his yummy mashed food. I just hate it. He threw up 2x last night after drinking his milk. Which may also be a good thing since some of the phlegm went with it, but still.
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I hope the weekend will be better.

It's 530 AM For Cryin Out Loud

Yeah it's 530AM and I am in the office. This is exactly the kind of schedule I was telling you about in my "Should I Stay or Should I Go" post. So yesterday, one of our Senior Operations Manager sat down with me and discussed a potential case which may result in a termination blah blah. Cut the long story short, being the Labor Relations Officer, I had to attend the hearing. And that said hearing was scheduled at 6AM.
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So last night, Josh,Dash and I were lying on the bed playing around. Gosh boys sure are energetic. So anyway, Josh decided to pick his nose. And so I say "ahh ahh ahh, were are you going to put that?" just as he pulled his finger out with this soft greenish looking slimy ball. Josh looks around, still with that slimy looking ball on his pointer. And then he sees no tissue around. I just stared at him. And then Josh says "OK, I'll just put it back where it belongs" and sticks his pointer back into his nostrils.
I know -- Gross.
That's my little boy!
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Good Morning!

My 4 Year Old Little Boy

I was looking at Josh yesterday and I couldn't help but be amazed at how big he has grown.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. That was 6 years ago -- June 2001. Jet and I weren't married yet. I was 19. He was 20. We were both still in college. I had to tell my parents but I was so freaked out. So finally I did. And then they were the ones all freaked out. 9 months of carrying Josh in my womb was no easy thing. I was still in school and there were so many emotional tests both Jet and I had to face. Are we going to get married just because I got pregnant (so no we did not get married), how are we supposed to support the baby? More so how are we going to pay for the delivery of the baby? Where are going to live? And oh yeah, when the baby comes out, who will take care of the baby while both Jet and I are finishing school? Yes there were many many issues but I still managed to enjoy my pregnancy. I loved steak. I loved the quarter pounder of McDonald's. I loved lasagna. OK, I loved eating. And yes I gained 32lbs. From my small frame of 91lbs (pre - pregnancy weight), I weighed 123lbs on the day I was going to give birth.
I remember clearly that day in Feb 2002. The night before, Feb.23, my mom and Aunts decided that we have a mini "party" before I give birth. My OB even dropped by and she kept joking me that I should wait for a week before I give birth because she was off to a convention in 2 days. So we all went to sleep late, like around 12am. At around 4am, I woke up because the contractions were getting stronger. I told my mom and she called up my OB. My OB advised me to start monitoring the intervals of the contractions and when they reach a 5-10 minute interval, it would be better for me to go to the hospital already. So Mom goes back to sleep. SO I get up and decide that I HAVE TO POOP because I do not want to be pushing the baby out with a "twin" coming along (if yah know what I mean). So I get that done. Then I go see Jet in the other room to tell him that it looked like I was going to give birth soon. It takes a little time for Jet to absorb what exactly I was saying. Then I decide to get in the shower. I gotta be fresh for the big day right? So after the shower, I pee. And uh-oh. Something pinkish. M-O-M!! Mom comes running in. I tell her about it. And of course she didn't know what it was, she never experienced labor (she scheduled her c-section when she delivered me because she was CPD). So she decides that it was time for us to go. We make sure everything was packed, Mom changed her clothes and I went to check on Jet to make sure that he was ready. So the guy was snoring his heart out. J-E-T!!!! Lets go.
When we get to the hospital. They asked me all sorts of questions. They did and I.E. "3cm" said the doctor. "3cm!" They asked me to put on the hospital gown and proceed to the Labor Room. Only the patient, OB and nurses are allowed inside the labor room. By this time I could feel a bit of pain (I have a very high tolerance for physical pain by the way) but I was still walking around. By 12 noon I was bored as hell. I already watched 2 pregnant women being wheeled in to the delivery room and wheeled out with their babies beside them. So I decided to ask for the Sunday papers. I sat down and read the papers. Jet would occasionally peep in the Labor Room to check on my progress. When he peeped in while I was reading the papers, I even waved at him and gave him the thumbs up sign. And then the water just gushed out.
PAIN is all I remember for the next 6 hours. My bag broke at a little past noon. And I was in pain the whole time after that. They kept doing an I.E. on me but the dilation was taking forever. I was irate by this time. I disliked the fact that there were male nurses in the labor room. I requested for a pain reliever. They put me on demorol twice. Boy they should've given me a quadruple dose becuse man I could still feel every bit of the freakin pain.
AT 6PM my OB asks me if I could still bear the pain or if I wanted to have a c-section already. I was crying in pain by this time. According to my doctor, I was dilating at a very slow pace (I was 8cm after 14 hours of labor) and the baby was not descending. SO I said, OK go!!!!
The next thing I knew, they were wheeling me out of the labor room and in to the delivery room. My OB was already in her scrub suit and all the nurses started to gather around me. I was crying and I kept asking if the baby was going to be OK. They kept telling me that this would be better for the baby since he was in distress already. Suddenly there was the anesthesiologist above me trying to explain to me the procedure she would be doing. It was all blurry already. I remember the anes asking me to go into fetal position. I was like What The...In this pain she expects me to do that?? Apparently the answer to that was YES.
At exactly 6:25 PM on February 24, 2002, Joshua Alexander screamed (yes screamed, he was screaming from the time he was brought into this world until the nurse was finally able to bring him to me 4 hours later) his way into this world and into our hearts.

The Parent Teacher Conference

So yesterday, Jet and I went to see the teacher of Josh for our quarterly Parent - Teacher conference. For the past 2 years, I never dreaded our Parent-Teacher conferences in fact I would look forward to them as Josh is actually a well behaved little kindergarten-er.
Teacher K shared with us that Josh has shown big improvement in his socialization skills. Now he doesn't only know how to play with other kids, but he actually enjoys playing with them.Josh had a hard time adjusting when he first started school because he grew up as the only kid in the house for 4 1/2 years. There are times when he starts the game and there are also times when he follows his classmates. But, this play thing he has come to enjoy, it sometimes interferes with getting his " work" done. Like instead of finishing his coloring page or whatever activity they are doing, he ends up telling stories with his seatmates or playing with his classmates. Oh yeah Teacher K added that there are small factions in the calssroom already and Josh addresses his special group of friends as "dude" LOL how cute can that be?! So when I got home I asked him what was up with the "dude" (just for the heck of listening to the kids reasoning), and Josh says "none, I just like calling them dude."
And then this morning, while rushing out of the house, I overhead Jet calling Josh while Josh was putting on his school bag
Jet:" hurry up dude, you might be late again."
OK -- so that's where dude came from. From the dude of the house himself. Thanks honey.

A Great Weekend

Yes, I had a great weekend and I feel great about it. So great that I will have to tell all of you about it.

After Sunday worship, Jet and I decided to take a quick trip down to San Fabian (about an hour and half's drive) with the 2 boys. Ok the car trip wasn't too great. This was Dash's first "long" trip (if you wish to call 1 1/2 long), so he was all over the place! He hated his car seat. I had to distract him the whole time, of course unsuccessfully! Gosh. But anyway, I didn't allow that to destroy the wonderful day. We had luch first and then looked for a resort where the boys could swim. This was Dash's first time to go splish splashing. He wasn't too excited at first, but we dipped him slowly and then later he found himself enjoying the water. Josh, of course, had a blast. And yes, he didn't want to get out of the water. We left the resort around 430PM and headed up to Baguio. Hah -- this is the greatest part -- Dash was so wiped out that he slept the whole trip up. And yes, that is what made my weekend so great!Well there he is enjoying his first swimming experience.

And there's Josh enjoying himself too.

Aww, no, of course the floaters didn't work. I was too freaked out to allow Jet to let go of Dash even for just a micro mili second. So there, the floaters were worn for the sake of taking a picture (big grin) besides, the little one was too concerned about putting the floaters in his mouth.

Delurking Week

I supprt this. As a new blogger, I totally look forward to fellow bloggers who leave me a comment and share with me their thoughts. Aside from the fact of course that I get to meet fellow bloggers.

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Leave me a comment if you please =)

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** photo courtesy of http://www.citylizzy.blogspot.com/.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I am 106% sure that ALL mother's go through this. For the past 2 days I have been thinking -again- about whether I should resign from my present work or not. Right now, I am no longer confused about whether or not I should work or not. I know that I have to work and I want to work. The question is just whether I should look for another job or not. Like maybe look for a company which operates during normal hours, that is, 8am-5pm. Or maybe look for a part time job instead so that I get to spend a little more time at home with the kiddos.
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You see, I work for a call center. You now when you call customer service department of a certain company, we are the ones who actually answer your calls and provide you the assistance you need. The thing is, we provide customer and technical assistance to customers living in the opposite time zone. So 80% of operations operate during the night. Aside from that, we are open 365 days a year. We never "close" for the holidays. Although I am with the HR department and my work schedule is 8am-5pm, there are times when I have to come in to work at night to attend meetings,etc. Plus, 75% of our workforce are single. The work environment here is very competitive. Everyone here wants a promotion and everyone works damn hard to get that promotion. I love my job. I have a good enough compensation package.
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I just feel that I am not able to run the race as fast as I would want to because I have a family. And I WILL NEVER prioritize my work over my husband and my kids.
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Working from the home is not common here, especially in Baguio. I have not found a job where you can work from the home and earn enough. So right now I really don't know. Jet says that I should stay, but you know, there are times when he gets pissed off when I have to return to work at 10PM to attend to something despite the fact that I already worked my complete shift that day.
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I hate moments like these.

He is reading!!!! And A Whole Lotta Other Stuff

Oh yeah the big boy has started reading his first words. I wrote down a couple of words on a notepad and asked him to read them. Here's how it went.

B-A-T (as in spelling it out) : Bu-Ah (long pause) BAT? (big hug!)

P-E-T (spells it out again) : Eh-Tu ( "i mean uhm...) (long pause) Puh (pause) PET! (bigger hug!)

C-A-T : CAT! (hug with a kiss) (jets cheering him on)

M-A-T : Mm-Ah-Tu ("oh no, I mean") Mm-Ah (pause) Du (stares at the word) MAT!

Ok Josh we are so going to Disneyland, grab a book and read it to me before I sleep. LOL!

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I have this things for bags, right? I like designer bags BUT I cannot afford them. And even if I could, I would NEVER spend a thousand or more dollars on a Gucci. Hell no! I'd rather spend my money on milk diapers and baby and kid stuff. BUT! Here in Baguio, we have thrift shops. And guess what I was able find -- An authentic Twiggy Balenciaga bag. It's not in mint condition I know, but for the price I paid for it PHP 1,600 ( $ 32.25) I think that it's all worth it.

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There's CB our dog. I know what a crappy picture, I couldn't get him to sit still! I will take a better picture next time -- I promise. CB is 10 human years old. That's times 7 in dog years right? Man he's old. If and when this hairy furry decides to leave for dog heaven, I AM NOT getting another Dog. I become too attached to my dogs and it will be too painful for me.

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Here is my Certificate given after my promotion test for 1st dan blackbelt

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And there's the little one contemplating the world around him

Here he is chomping on the yummiest thing in the world -- his rattle

Here he is minutes before he left for dreamland. I know I just had to put that little fisherman's hat -- I thought it to be cute. Oh c'mon all mommies do that =)

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GOOD MORNING WORLD!!!!

This Thing Called Blog

So I have been blogginf for the past month or so and I must admit, I have come to love it. I have come to love the fact that I am able to use this as an outlet to vent out whatever it is I have inside -- ok, to vent out anger, pain, hurt, angst, joy. And because of this blog I am also able to show off my 2 wonderful little superheroes. So far, I have met a few bloggers on line too and that is the part I am most happy about! Really. Seriously. When I got my first comment on one of my posts, I was so happy -- no I cannot describe the exact feeling. I was just happy. I hope to find more friends though =)

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Thought of just putting down a couple of things more about me

1. I have long hair

2. I love FRIENDS, Sex and the City, The OC and Desperate Houswives

3. I can watch re-runs of the shows mentioned above anytime, anywhere

4. I am a 1st dan balckbelter in Taekwondo

4. I got my blackbelt when I was 12 years old thus the title "junior" blackbelt had to be given to be since I was too young to remove the "junior" from the title

5. I danced ballet until I was 14

6. I have had 3 toe shoes

7. I am impulsive

8. I am emotional

9. I like the color pink

10. I learned how to drive only when I was 19 years old -- I was 3 months pregnant with Josh then

11. I rammed my car into a taxi in 2003

12. I love barbequed stuff

13. I love to cook but I never tried baking

14. I have a thing for shoes -- I love them. Oh yeah and bags too.

15. I have a birth mark -- on my right leg that is.

16. I haven't worn my hair short in 4 years.

17. It took me 5 years to finish college.

18. I finished BA Social Science --major in Sociology and Psychology.

19. Ok - I admit I am a terrible speller

20. I am a terrific, wonderful talker though

21. I am loyal -- to my family and friends

22. I am no where near 'tall' -- let's put it this way, I am petite

23. I am forever on a diet

24. My punch is much weaker than my kick

25. I am a very light sleeper.

26. I have a cocker-spitz who has been with the family for 10 years now. Prior to that we had a cocker terrier who ran out into the road and got run over --- I mourned his death.

27. My dogs name is CB ( as in Charlie Brown). The one before CB was named Bozzy. Both are very smart, clever and loving dogs.

28. I love chocolates with nuts.

29. I make really good ceasar salad -- really. I can send you my recipe if you want me to.

30. I have been to Tanzania, Sierra Leon, Dubai, Japan, Hong Kong, Bali, Thailand, Netherlands, USA and Canada.

My Dad, My Hero

While on the way to work this morning, the song "Butterfly Kisses" (by Bob Carlisle) began playing on my iPod. Whenever I hear this song, an enormous lump begins to form in my throat. This was my wedding song. When you hear the lyrics, it is all about a father-daughter relationship and how a dad is just about to give his daughter away.
I know I haven't written much about my dad because I still feel it to be a sensitive topic --for me,that is. Although he went ahead of Mom by 1 1/2 years, I still am very much affected by his death.
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As mentioned, dad was a drinker. According to my Aunts (his sisters), they noticed Dad's transition from social drinking to alcoholism when he started working right after college. And I do remember that Dad's drinking was a problem ever since I was born. Yes my Dad was an alcoholic but he never hurt me or my Mom physically, he was not a womanizer, he was not a gambler. In fact come to think of it, my Dad was a happy drunk. The worst my Dad would get when drunk was irritating. I love my Dad terribly. Although we had our own share of debates, arguments, fights and misunderstandings -- I love my Dad.
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On April 5, 2004, around lunch time, while I was at work, my husband called me up and said that my dad collapsed at home and that they had just rushed him to the ER. I panicked. My shift that day would end at 3PM so I was debating with myself whether I should leave work and risk a flunked evaluation (at that time,I was tutoring ESL to Koreans while finishing my last semester in school) or finish my shift and go to the hospital right after work. My co-workers saw how anxious I was and they advised me to leave work instead since I would not be able to concentrate anyway. So leave work it was. When I got to the ER, Dad was there, fully conscious. I held his hand and he squeezed back. I asked how he felt and he said "It's very painful." I didn't ask what was painful anymore. I knew that everything inside must have been painful. And for my Dad to say that he felt pain really meant that IT WAS PAINFUL. They continued doing tests on Dad. Also, that day, I was to pick up my hard bound copies of my thesis from the printing press so that I could submit it in time for my graduation on the 22nd of April. So after I saw that Dad was being taken cared of in the hospital, I told him I would run to the printers first to get my hardbound thesis. Boy, you should have seen the smile on his face. So a little after 5PM, I went back to the hospital and by this time Dad was already in his private room. Mom was with him the whole time but you could see how scared and worried Mom was. When I entered Dad's room, I showed him my thesis and all he could do was look at me. I asked my Mom why Dad couldn't talk and she said she also didn't know why, she was still waiting for the doctor. Jet and I had to leave the hospital becasue Josh was waiting for us at home with my Aunt. Josh was only 2 years old then.
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On the way home, I didn't know what to think. What was happening? What would happen next. I sent Mom a message on her mobile and I told her to keep me updated. Later during the night, Mom called me up. She said Dad wasn't waking up anymore and that they were going to transfer him to the ICU. Both Mom and I were crying. I didn't know what to think. I said I would be in the hospital first thing in the morning. Later that night, Mom texted me and told me that things didn't look good.
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The next day, April 6, 2004, I went to see Dad. It was their 23rd wedding anniversary with Mom that day. He looked terrible. He no longer had control of his eyes. But when I started to talk, he started to wave his hand in the air as if looking for where I was. So I took his hand and held it tight. I reminded him that it was their wedding anniversary with Mom and he squeezed my hand when he heard me say that. -So now I'm crying- He had all these machines attached to him. According to the doctor, he had liver cirrhosis, hernia, gall stones and his kidney seemed to be failing. I was like God what is this, 2 days ago I was talking to him and he seemed perfectly fine and now my Dad cannot even see me. My head was spinning. My asked me to do some errands and get clothes for her and Dad as she too was going to the bank to withdraw some cash.
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And then Mom called. She just got a call from the hospital. They put Dad on the respirator. I didn't say anything. I just put down the phone and cried.
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Dad never admitted to his alcoholism. He never complained when he was in pain. He never went to see a doctor. And the last thing he would want right now would be for his friends to see him in the hospital. But I felt that it was time to inform his 2 bestfriends. Uncle Mon and Uncle Joe. Dad was a media man. After leaving a career with IBM in Manila, he decided to come back homw to Baguio and work with his father (my grandfather) at our local newspaper which our family owned. There he met Uncle Mon and Uncle Joe. I called Mom and told her to get in touch with both his friends.
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When I arrived back in the hospital, Dad was on the machine and both his eyes were covered with patches. According to the doctor, he no longer could close his eyes on his own. He was scheduled for a CT Scan as it seemed that he had a stroke. At this point, Dad really looked like a gonner. I felt that what they were doing to him would no longer have any effect on the condition he was in. But Mom and I just told the doctors to do whatever they could do. CT Scan results showed swelling on Dad's left brain. It looked like a massive stroke. By this time, Dad was already in a coma. Tired, Mom told me to go on home. My Aunts and Uncles and all other relatives were also in the hospital. So Mom said she would be ok that Jet and I better be home with Josh.
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Later that night, Mom arrived. She was supposed to stay the night in the hospital but all her friends saw how tired and drained she was that's why they convinced her to come home. My 2 Aunts volunteered to night watch.
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The next day, April7, 2004 I was in the shower getting ready to leave for the hospital. I heard one of my Aunts call Jet. And then Jet came in the house. I had just gotten out from the shower. He quietly says, "Dad's gone." I go wild. I become hysterical. I throw my clothes, kick the chairs and I remember I just kept shouting " I don't have a Daddy anymore." Jet tried to calm me down but he couldn't and then he hugs me tightly and I break down.
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I go up to see my Mom. She was smoking. I embraced her and then we cried. She told me that we were to choose what Dad would wear. We looked thru Dad's suits and decided that he would wear the mocha brown suit he wore when he and Mom got married on April 6, 1981. We packed his things and headed off to the hospital to settle the bill and bring Dad to the morgue. On the way, Mom and I started to text the family and other friends about Dad's passing. A few minutes away from the hospital, my Mom gets a call from one of her close friends who happens to be a doctor in the hospital and saya that Dad was revived. WHAT!?!? Jet steps on the gas. When we get to the hospital, Dad doesn't look any better. It's just that he was revived. They were able to resuscitate him. The doctors tell us that he can go into a cardiac arrest again anytime. I told Mom to sign the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form then I stayed by Dad's side. Mom and I agreed that with my Dad's condition at this time, resuscitation should no longer be an option. My Aunts who were there told me to just keep talking to him. I did. I kept saying sorry to him for all the hurt I caused him, I told him I loved him very much. I was crying. I embraced him and held him tight. Mom was there. She leaned on Dad's chest. Everyone was crying by this time. I was watching Dad's monitor, he was about to go into another arrest. So I told Mom to keep talking to him. We just kept telling him how much we loved him. And then toooooooooooooooooooooooot. Flat Line.

Happy Birthday Ma!

Lourdes A. Hamada

January 7, 1948 - October 23, 2005

Yesterday would have been Mom's 59th birthday. This picture was taken sometime in May of 2005 when we took a short trip to Batangas on a weekend when I went down to visit Mom in Manila. Mom had already undergone her 3rd chemo session when this picture was taken.

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* This is a continuation of Mom's cancer battle as told by me in my efforts to also release some of my angst,pain,hurt and anger in the hope of helping myself come to terms with the death of both my mom and dad. (all other entries of my Mom's story can be read under "In Memory of Mom" category).

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Once Mom was settled in the hospital, they started to run tests on her. At that time, Mom's oncologist was still in China reading a paper in one of the doctor's conventions there so Mom's 1st cousin, who happens to be a surgeon, took on her case while waiting for her onco. X-ray results showed that the tube in her lung was dislodged and would require a reinsertion procedure. Mom was scared as hell, so was I. She was scheduled for a minor operation the next day. I just kept reminding Mom that she would be ok. Reinserting the tube was a needed procedure before they could take out the tube and perform this procedure called pleurodisis, a procedure that causes the membranes around the lung to stick together and prevents the build up of fluid in the space between the membranes. This procedure is done in cases of severe recurrent pleural effusion (fluid around the lungs), as from cancer, to prevent the reaccumulation of fluid (http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=20053). Before we left our hometown in Baguio, Dr. Nonsense also told me that "we will never be able to remove the tube.she will die with the tube still inserted." (I hate that doctor --I sooo hate her). The reinsertion proceeded as planned the next day. Mom was wheeled back into her room after about 3 hours. The doctor also advised Mom to practice coughing at least 3x a day in order to hasten the draining process. By this time, Mom had already been in the hospital for a couple of days. The real cool thing about Mom was that she didn't look sick at all. If someone who didn't know her saw her, they would never have believed that she was battling stage IIIb lung cancer.

Towards the end of the week, Mom's oncologist finally arrived from China and dropped by the room. She was a petite lady with an extremely bubbly personality. Once she entered the room, I immediately felt so comfortable with her. She took Mom's hand and said "Things will be ok Mommy." I cried, Mom cried. So Dr. Heavensent told us that she read Mom's clinical abstract and that we should all start working to get Mom well. My spirits were so high that day, I can still remember that feeling. That day, we were surrounded by a team of doctors who I will forever be thankful for, for they made Mom's last months on earth as comfortable as possible.

The days that followed were full of doctors and nurses hustling and bustling in and out of Mom's hospital room. We got to befriend a couple of nurses as well as other cancer patients. After almost a week, Mom and I got pretty comfortable with the "living situation." Mom's room would be our "home" for the next 3 1/2 weeks. Jet and Josh were left in Baguio, our hometown as Jet had work and Josh would not be allowed inside the hospital. During Jet's day off, they would drive down to Manila to visit me and Mom.

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The first few days were rather uneventful as Mom could only sit and lay down although very cautiously so as not to dislodge the tube to avoid another reinsertion. Mom had no restrictions on her diet so we enjoyed all the food her visitors would bring her, at night when all visitors would leave, we would order coffee from the caf while watching TV. On our second week, Moms pulmonologist noticed that there weren't any more fluids draining out of mom's lungs and it looked like Mom was ready for pleurodesis. Agian, this freaked Mom out. My Mom is a very intense worrier --really. She can stress herself out worrying about what to cook for dinner or how she looks without her earrings on. So this pleurodesis thing really freaked her out. Shortly after her pulmonologist said that she would be performing the procedure in a short bit, Mom's blood pressure shot up, she started feeling nauseous and wanted to throw up. I held her hand and told her that things will be fine, that this is a good thing because right after the pleurodesis, they would be able to pull out the tube from her lungs already. Ok - so she still wasn't convinved. She wanted to delay the procedure. Her pulmonologist and I decided that it would be a good idea to put Mom on a light sedative so that Mom could fall asleep while they performed whatever they had to perform. So there, after a couple of hours, Mom wakes up with the tube gone. Much better.

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The next days were fun. Each morning, Mom and I would walk around the Cancer Institute of the hospital as her doctors advised her that it would be good enough excercise for her. At this point, we knew that chemotherapy would be next on the list, only none of us wanted to talk about it. At this point, Mom tells me "Cancer isn't such a terrible thing after all. Look at this, we cancer warriors even have our own institute." We would spend late nights laughing, reading magazines, eating our hearts out and we would sleep till lunch the next day.

I do not remember exactly when Dr. Heavensent came in and asked us to sit down because she needed to discuss Mom's next step in her treatment. All I can remember was my heart was beating really really fast, I was nervous and anxious, not wanting to hear what I needed to hear. I looked at Mom and saw the uncertainty in her face. Dr. Heavensent discussed with us that Mom's tumor was about the size of a goldball and it was a non-small cell adenocarcinoma. The thing with these types of tumors is that although they grow and develop very slowly, they are one of the hardest to shrink. Surgery would be too dangerous at this point considering Mom's age and the size of the tumor. Dr. Heavensent informed us that Mom's chemo treatment would involve the use of Cisplatin and Taxotere. God at this point, my head was spinning like crazy but I had to keep a hold of myself and show Mom that we would battle this together.

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*** Cancer runs in our family. My gradfather (mom's dad) died of the complications of brain cancer, Mom's Aunt died of stomach cancer, Mom's other Aunt is battling stomach cancer adn my cousin is being observed for the tumor in her left lung.

All This Clutter...Please Help Me

Before I enjoy my weekend..ahem...allow me to post pictures of my boys' playroom...I need your help! Tips on how to organize and fix up their playroom will be truly appreciated. I have started with sorting out Josh's toys which are broken or destroyed. Also, with the cleaning up of the living room, I moved the day crib of Dash into this room too. We also no longer use the desktop since we only use the laptop now, which means the massive computer table was also moved into this room. This room used to be the study of my mom and dad. They both had their own desks (my mom's was full of papers and books) while my dad's is still full of his paints, paintbrushes, art stuff and books). I am thinking of eventually also making this into the study tables of the boys. Our home isn't too big. HELP. and THANK YOU in advance. I promise this will be one of my major projects for the first quarter of this year.

Helluvan Emotional Pool You Got Here

I couldn't...I just couldn't. I kept telling myself to put the book down last night but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Sometimes I hate good books. The problem with me is, whenever I start a good book, I get so addicted to it and the worst part is whether or not it is fic or non-fic, I get so attached to the characters! Reading The Catcher In The Rye makes me want to meet this Holden Caulfield guy --yeah like he even exists! Like this other book, Into Thin Air (written by Jon Krakauer), a non-fic account of what happened on Mt.Everest sometime in 1996 or 1997 when a group of climbers died on Mt. Everest. Gawd did I feel sick and sad. I wanted to cry. I even got so attached to the leader of of one of the 2 guided groups, Scotty Fischer. My mom once told me that when I was a kid, I would cry whenever they would read this children's book titled "Little Miss Suzy" and "Are You My Mama?" Same goes for t.v. shows and movies. I cried during the season finale of FRIENDS. After 10 years of FRIENDS, I feel like all 6 of them are actually my friends--geeez. I hated it when they announced that Sex and The City would air it's last season on HBO. And now FOX made an announcement that they will be cancelling The OC and will be airing it's final episode on Feb.22.

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So yeah T.G.I.F.!!! Woohoo. See you all on Monday =)

How Big A Family?

I've been thinking, how big a family should we actually have? When I got pregnant the second time around, I was soooo happy. People started to ask me whether or not that would be my second and last baby and I was like "what?! no!." In my mind, I was going to have 4 kids. You see, my childhood was pretty damn lonely. I was an only chid although I had 2 older cousins who lived in the house, they were a lot older than me -- like 8 and 9 years older. When my uncle finally had kids, I was already 6 or 7 years old. Although I had other cousins my age, I would only get to see them on weekends. So I got used to playing alone. So when I started to have kids, I so wanted a big family. But when I learned that I would only be able to deliver via c-section for the rest of my life, I told myself that having 4 kids via c-section would be good enough. After I gave birth to Dash though, I dunno it must have been the hormines still running wild, although I was enjoying every single moment spent painfully breastfeeding the baby I thought to myself that my 2 boys would be enough already. But then again, I always wanted a baby pink of my own! After experiencing a 4 1/2 year gap between Josh and Dash, I told myself that too big a gap is a huge adjustment. It was like everything was back to zero for me and Jet. I couldn't remember the pain caused by the operation, I couldn't imagine the pain I would feel during the initial days of breastfeeding...worst was I couldn't imagine life without a good night's sleep LOL. But that 4 1/2 year gap was actually needed because when I had Josh, I was still in 3rd year college so Jet and I had to make sure we graduated and get a job and settling before having another one.
SO BACK TO MY QUESTION
How big a family should we actually have? Jet and I talked about it after I gave birth the second time around and decided that our 2 boys would be enough. But then you know when you see your baby growing up on you, you suddenly start to want another one again. And if I am given that chance to have another baby, I wouldn't want to wait for another 4 years again. This has been running through my head for the past couple of weeks.

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So Josh is still on vacation and goes back to school on the 8th. By the way, my aunts made Josh an offer -- The moment he starts reading ON HIS OWN, they will be giving him a ticket to HongKong Disneyland! So the cheering in the house has begun -- Read Josh! You Can Do It Josh! Read! Woohooo!

2006 -- The Year That Was

I read a post which featured a run down of the year 2006 and thought that I would do the same.

January 2006 - 4 months pregnant, still working. Had a family vacation in Boracay.
February 2006 - Josh's 4th Birthday. Jet had just recently resigned from his job and was venturing into his buy and sell business.
March 2006 - 6 months pregnant. Stressed Out. Was falling into a depression as I started missing my mom and dad very much. Found out we were having another baby blue. (Wanted a baby pink though). Had pre-term labor. Bed rested for a week.
April 2006 - Dad's 2nd death anniversary. Depressed and Stressed. Still working.Cried a lot.
May 2006 - Getting ready for the baby. Went on early maternity leave. Trying to destress myself before the deliver. Scheduled the delivery for May 27. Arrival of the new baby blue. Very excited.
June 2006 - Still enjoying maternity leave. Enjoying the baby very much. Post partum blues.
July 2006 - My 2_th birthday. Depressed.
August 2006 - Back to work. Refereshed and Re-energized.
September 2006 - Nothing significant. FIL's 1st death anniversary.
October 2006 - Mom's 1st year death anniversary. Wanted to drown self in alcohol.
November 2006 - Vacation with hubby. Good relaxing time.
December 2006 - Got my promotion. Feeling the Christmas spirit. Looking for mom and dad's presence. Dash's first Christmas. Josh's 4th Christmas and loving every second of it.

Looking back, I guess my year wasn't that bad. Everyone has had their own bad year I guess haha. I'm still not over my Mom and Dad yet and I guess I never will be. I will just have to learn to place a box inside my heart packed with my memories of Mom and Dad and can be brought out once in a while. It's damn hard though.

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Have any of you read the Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger? I read it once and I'm reading it again. I find the book funny and amusing. As Holden Caulfield puts it "What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."

Where Is Joshua?

So I go downstairs to my Aunt's house looking for Josh -- Josh hangs out a lot with my 2 old aunts (I guess he finally found people he could decieve and manipulate LOL -- I am being a little too nasty with my words -- Josh has found people he can AMUSE AND ENTERTAIN) and he was nowhere to be found in the house. I walk out into the garden and start calling out his name. Finally after a couple of shouts and a few trickles of sweat from panic about the whereabouts of my 4 year old kid, I hear Josh shout back "I'm here Mom!" And I'm like "WHERE?!" and he answers "HERE!" (In an I-achieved-a great-deal tone) And then I realized that I am going to have more of these panic attacks this year.

Thanks Mr. Cypress Tree!

I Finally Got What I Wanted!!!

I finally got what I wanted! After a zillion years --ok fine--7 months, Dash's Bumbo finally arrived! Thanks to my cousin (whom I love sooooo much), Dash is finally able to "join" the happenings around the house without feeling too left out. Check him out

Along with Dash's Bumbo, my cousin also sent a zillion toys for Josh. Just look at those boys play --splendid.Now I have forgotten how to play with little girls toys -- just splendid.

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So 2007 -- New Year, New Beginnings. I'm pretty excited about what this year has in store for me and the 3 boys. 2006 was absolutely stressful for me --the pregnancy, the delivery, post partum blues, deciding weather-or-not-to-go-back-to-work-or-be- a-stay-at-home-mom or not dilemma.Gosh I am glad I survived 2006. This year will be better, I know it.

Which gets me to thinking about those babies and children at the orphanages I got to visit. What's in store for them this year? New beginnings too?