I wrote a post twice or thrice and deleted it twice or thrice - all on the same topic - and now, I have found myself writing about it again.
Ok, so lately I have been feeling weird. Weird not weird as in weird. But just weird. Weird because maybe I have been facing a whole lot of emotions which I have been trying to avoid. Like I just want to leave them floating around somewhere but each time I try to just leave them there, I can feel them lurking around. Watching and waiting for the perfect time to pounce on me and then WHAM! Meltdown.
I have been wondering if I am pushing myself too much. In terms of my career growth, that is. As I mentioned, I will be enrolling in grad school this semester. Why? Because I need it. I need to learn. I want to be more marketable in the future. I know I have to work hard for my children's future. Here in the Philippines, having health and life insurance IS a privilege. Not everybody has one. Here in the Philippines, not everyone has social security. Even if you are employed, some employers do not pay Social Security for their employees. Here in the Philippines, education is never free. In order to secure a good future for yourself, you have to make sure you get into the more prestigious universities in the country. Without that, you will have a very tough time looking for a job. So again, am I pushing myself too much? What about my dreams of becoming a homemaker? I will have to put that on hold. Working from the home is non existent here in the Philippines.
And then I have been lonely lately. The one thing I do not want to "die on me" is my marriage. But lately I have been yearning for something I cannot seem to find. IS it because we have been together for a long time? Is it because we are still young and probably trying to sort out our emotions, dreams and yearnings? Have we become all too familiar with each other? Will love ever be just enough? Is that all that we need to see us through forever?
And at the end of the day, the kids will grow up and have their own lives. In time they will leave. And then whose hand shall I hold when I reach my golden years?
I can go on and on. But I shall stop here.