Saturday, May 19, 2007

Tangled Up

I wrote a post twice or thrice and deleted it twice or thrice - all on the same topic - and now, I have found myself writing about it again.
Ok, so lately I have been feeling weird. Weird not weird as in weird. But just weird. Weird because maybe I have been facing a whole lot of emotions which I have been trying to avoid. Like I just want to leave them floating around somewhere but each time I try to just leave them there, I can feel them lurking around. Watching and waiting for the perfect time to pounce on me and then WHAM! Meltdown.

I have been wondering if I am pushing myself too much. In terms of my career growth, that is. As I mentioned, I will be enrolling in grad school this semester. Why? Because I need it. I need to learn. I want to be more marketable in the future. I know I have to work hard for my children's future. Here in the Philippines, having health and life insurance IS a privilege. Not everybody has one. Here in the Philippines, not everyone has social security. Even if you are employed, some employers do not pay Social Security for their employees. Here in the Philippines, education is never free. In order to secure a good future for yourself, you have to make sure you get into the more prestigious universities in the country. Without that, you will have a very tough time looking for a job. So again, am I pushing myself too much? What about my dreams of becoming a homemaker? I will have to put that on hold. Working from the home is non existent here in the Philippines.

And then I have been lonely lately. The one thing I do not want to "die on me" is my marriage. But lately I have been yearning for something I cannot seem to find. IS it because we have been together for a long time? Is it because we are still young and probably trying to sort out our emotions, dreams and yearnings? Have we become all too familiar with each other? Will love ever be just enough? Is that all that we need to see us through forever?

And at the end of the day, the kids will grow up and have their own lives. In time they will leave. And then whose hand shall I hold when I reach my golden years?

I can go on and on. But I shall stop here.


pinks & blues girls said...

I think we all have these feelings sometimes (at least, I do... so there's two of us at least)! I think it comes with being our age (I'm 26) and all of a sudden being adults with responsibilities... while at the same time still wanting that piece of freedom and exploration in our lives.

I am sure you will sort everything out and find your balance! I'm right there with you!!

Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls

Jennboree said...

First of all, *HUGS* to you.

We all go through a roller coaster of emotions as changes happen in our life. Going back to school is a huge decision and obviously a very important one for not only you but your family as well.

I understand what you mean about marriage. The best thing I can suggest is to talk about it with him. Really get some one-on-one time to hold hands, sit close and share your heart. The love is there but it constantly needs tending to.

We all change and grow, whether we are 25, 35 or 65. Learning how to change together and hold onto one another is the challenge but perhaps both of you recognizing that will help you stay together.

SusieJ said...

Interesting. Maybe you are pushing yourself a little too hard. You are a bright woman, and I don't think putting food on the table is something you will have to worry about. And maybe, just relaxing a little bit, and letting things slow down. Yes, marriage has its ups and downs. Just ride them out. Your kids will be better for it.

Sophiagurl said...

i also agree, with SusieJ that you are probably pushing yourself a little too hard. everything will fall into place, you'll see. marriage is something we have to work at and communication is the key. i hope all goes well with you and the hubby. God bless!

Maggie said...

I agree with Jenn. Get some one on one time with your hubby - even if it's just an hour here or there. It makes such a huge difference. Remember, you are in this together!

Shoshana said...

(((hugs Louann)))

That is normal feeling in a marriage I think. Especially when you might not have as much time to date as you wanted, or been busy or burned out at work.

Jenn is right. Going out together even if it's just to hold hands while strolling in your neighborhood will make a difference.

Marriage is like a plant. It needs nurturing to last. Maybe get some snuggle time out in the couch while watching a TV show even if only one of you likes it. Better if none of you likes it then you can talk through it. But whatever you do, do it with your husband.

Chaos Control said...

You are so not alone with these thoughts. I think most all women, wives, moms have these same thoughts at one time or another. Career, family and marriage ... you feel like to want to give 100% to all three, but that's not possible - because we don't have 300% in us.

These other brilliant women have left great advice regarding your marriage. I've been there, and it does take hard work - especially after you've been together for so long. My husband and I play on a softball team together, giving us something fun to do - and we make sure to sit down and talk (no tv) every night right after we put V to bed. It helps keep us feeling connected when life gets to hectic.

Hugs to you ... and here's hoping you untangle soon!