New Year, New Reads

**Edited: Sorry for the backwards pictures. I held the books up using Photobooth because I was too lazy tp take pictures of them with my camera and then upload them.
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There are 3 books I have to make sure I read this coming new year. Essentials-- I may say to survive the year ahead.

1. Bringing Up BoysFor the simple reason that I have 3 boys.

2. The Dangerous Book For Boys
I remember stories of my Dad about his childhood. Of tadpoles and crickets. Of scars and bruises. Fond memories of his boyscout days. I wish I paid more attention. I wish I knew better. But who would have known? I was a girl. My interests revolved around paper dolls and cooking sets.
Now there's no one to ask.
This book will help me get through.


3. A Year In High Heels Because in spite of the fact that our home is filled with testosterone, nothing will change the fact that I am a still a girl.

I Just Can't Get Enough

There's just something magical about this island for me. The white sand, the clear, calm waters and the blue skies make me feel like I'm in paradise. The sun burns. The water cools. I just can't get enough of it.

He Would Have Been 60.

Happy 60th Dad.
I miss you so much.
Each day I still wish you were still alive -- still with us to celebrate life.
It pains me to know that my sons will never grow up with a Grandpa.

I Love You.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas, for most of us is a time when families get together. Eat. And enjoy the merrymaking. It for me, is made more special when relatives come home for the holidays and are able to spend quality time together. It warms our hearts.

Plus I get 2 weeks off from work. Heaven!

Merry Christmas everyone! How was yours?

How I Really Feel

When I am pregnant I am moody, needy, clingy, unpredictable, emotional. And the person who has to bear most of my bad side is my husband. Of course because I expect him to understand what I'm going through. Some may say its psychological or all in the mind. I don't know. But sometimes, he just doesn't get it. And when he doesn't, I get all sensitive about it and would rather pout in one corner and sulk. Ok, you may add immature, childish and selfish to the list.

But seriously? That's what I hate about being pregnant. I'm just so full of insecurities inside. I find myself not being able to do things on my own anymore. Like a handicapped person, I can't move without someone beside me. And I prefer that someone to be my husband.

A bunch of emotions surges all over me and often times I don't know what to do with the feeling. I prefer not to tell anyone about how I feel out of sheer fear that they would tell me that I'm being unreasonable. And the feelings bottled up inside just make me feel like I want to explode anytime.

I'm glad I just have 87 days to go. Still a long time but I know we'll get there.

Is it just me? Am I the problem?

I'd Rather Have This Conversation 10 Years From Now

At the dinner table

Josh: I have a crush

SILENCE

Me: Really? Who is she?

Josh: Uhm...Her name is Yuwi.

Me: What's her real name? Or complete name? Is it just Yuwi?

Josh: I don't know her complete name.

Me: Is she you friend? Why don't you ask her tomorrow.

Josh: I can't and she's not my friend.

Me: Why not?

Josh: Us boys don't talk to the girls.

Me: Why?

Josh: Because.

Me: Is she a nice girl?

Josh: She's adorable mom.

GEEEEEEZ.

I'm Marking Each Day with an X

It has been, for the past 3 years-- and if I may start calling it, a family tradition (my Dad's side of the family) to have an out of town vacation when relatives from abroad come home for the holidays. My uncle and cousin flew in from Canada a week ago. In 5 days, my other cousin from Oregon is arriving and in a week, my Aunt and 2 of my cousins will be arriving from Canada as well.

I love family time. And I love it even more when a lot of them can make it home. Partly because without having any siblings (and now, parents), it sure can get so damn lonely.

So in 6 days 3 Aunts, 1 Uncle, 5 cousins, 2 sons and a husband are heading off to the beach for some great family time.

Like a child who has been promised her dream toy for Christmas, I can't wait for Friday to come when I get to shut down my computer at work, lock my cabinets and bid my officemates a 5 day farewell to go give myself a well deserved break.

'Tis The Season

The cool breeze....The Christmas songs...

The word SALE posted on almost every store window...
Christmas sure is in the air!

And I love it!

When Hearts Silently Break

Last week, my pre schooler brought a donut to school for his snack. When I got home, our househelp / nanny informed me that she found that my son only finished half of his donut. I wondered why. My son loves that particular kind of donut. So I asked him. He said:

"Jacob saw my donut, got it from me while I was eating it and then licked it and then returned it to me."

Seriously? I wanted to smack the kid. That Jacob. How dare him.

I asked my son why Jacob did that and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he did anything to Jacob and he said he didn't do anything. I asked him what he did after Jacob did that and he said he just kept what was left of his snack. I asked him if he told his teacher about it and he said he didn't.

So I wrote my son's teacher quite a lengthy letter.

What do you do when your child is bullied?

I had to explain to my son that he should never allow people to treat him that way. Be nice to others but defend yourself when you need to. I will not be there to always protect him. The day will come when he will have to fend for himself -- he will have to face the harsh realities of this world on his own. And it breaks my heart -- it always does.

Anyway, the teacher apologized, informed me that she informed Jacob's parents, etc.

I understand that its something we as parents can never control. we can't always shield our children, I know that. But you know, when our children get hurt, silently our hearts break.

Can You Tell Me How To Get To...

Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy

If anybody can give me directions going to such a place, please feel free to leave me a comment.

My New Job

I never really had a problem leaving my 2 1/2 year old son when he was a baby and I had to leave for work. I figured he was a bit more secure so when I would have to turn him over to the nanny when it was time for me to leave for work, he would barely fuss. I'd kiss him and hug him and would tell him I'd be back. No issues.

Until 2 weeks ago when he probably decided it was time to make an issue out of it. While leaving for work one day, he looked at me with his puppy dog eyes while making sure his smile showed his deep dimples and said "Mom? I go with you?" I explained he had to stay, just like he always did. I told him I'd be back. "No Mom, I go with you." I explained again. "No Mom. I GO WITH YOU." (His tone of voice slightly changing). So I embraced him and told him how exciting his day was going to be -- play in the garden, bike out front, eat cookies. "I go with you Mom." I knew a tantrum was coming. I was running late. Everything started to get messy.

So I did the unforgivable.

I lied. Aarghh.

"Mom's going to the office to get rid of all the big cockroach! Do you want to come with me?"

His eyes grew wide and suddenly he was so concerned about my safety. He gets terrified when he hears the word cockroach or sees a cockroach. "Mom go whip cockooch?"

So now, everytime I come home from work I have a 2 1/2 year old little boy who runs to greet me at the door ever so thankful that nothing happened to his mom while at work while killing the cockroach. "Mommy!! No more cockooch?" "Yey Mom!!"

Now I'm a hero. The incredible cockroach killer. That's what I do now for a living.

Look Away. Its A Pregnancy Update.

So I went for my 23rd week OB check up. So far I have gained 2kg. It's pretty bad but my OB said the baby is growing bigger and bigger and seems healthy. I'm thinking that I probably am losing the weight but its going to the baby. I lost a total of 2kgs during my 1st trisem and then sort of didn't gain the past month. This is the smallest weight gain I have had compared to my past 2 pregnancies with my 6 year old and 2 year old. I'm not really worried because I still look huge and my belly is getting bigger by the day.

I have a low lying placenta and the baby seems to be in breech position. Good thing I'm really going to deliver via CS.

I have chosen a delivery date which will be March 3rd. I found the 03-06-09 thing nice.

As for the name, we're still thinking about it. I can't believe I have just 3 more months left.

That's What You Call Password Overload

Years ago when email was very new, I had absolutely NO problem remembering my user name and password. But as the years have gone by and the net has become a very convenient way of doing almost anything from sending email to paying bills on line to accessing billing details to online banking -- and oh yeah my blog too, user names for almost all accounts and not to forget the passwords that go with it have been piling up. Are you with me? How can we keep track?

Yesterday, I was going to pay my credit card online using the Internet banking service of my ATM and then my mind just went blank! I initially typed what I thought was my user name and password and after 3 tries a pop up window saying "your account has been disabled. please contact the bank" left me staring blankly at it and wondering what else could my password be?? Could it be this? No that's my password for my blog. Could it be that? No that's for my email. I thought I had the same password as my airline mileage on line account? Oh but no, I remember I had to change it.

So then I decided to call customer service. I dislike doing that because it takes forever to get connected to a customer rep! I spent around 20 minutes of my precious day waiting to be connected to one. Finally I got to speak to one. After all the verifying the rep finally gave me a temporary password.

So I went back on line and accessed my account. Voila I was able to get through. Now I had to change my password. So i entered my NEW password. Once the page was refreshed, a notice informing me that I could not use the last 3 passwords I had already used in past. So after again, typing a new password and having the page refreshed, I got the same notice. So i tried a different password and then got the same notice. Because I play around with names and numbers which I know I will never forget, I often try to use the same passwords because I get so confused! On my 3rd attempt at changing my password, I get a pop up window that said "your account has been disabled. please contact the bank."

Frustrating!

So I got my purse, walked to the nearest bank and fell in line to pay my bills.

So much for convenience!

Perspective Of A 2 Year Old

Conversations with the little guy are starting to really amuse me.

Dash: Mom? Buy Howlk?

Me: You have lots of toys already sweetie.

Dash: Peees Mom? Buy Howlk?

Me: Where are we going to get the money to buy Hulk sweetheart?

Dash: In da bag (points to my bag)

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Dash: Josh? Chupchup (Asking for his pacifier)

Josh: No

Dash: Peees Josh get chupchup?

Josh: Nope

Dash: Peees Josh??!!!??

Josh finally gives in and sticks the paci in Dash's mouth.

Josh: why do you love your chupchup so much?? Does it taste like ice cream??

Dash: Yah

HONGKONG

We went on a short 4-day holiday to Hongkong. We had a blast and I want another vacay. NOW.

An Pleasant Reminder

We attended my husband's cousins wedding over the weekend. I love attending weddings-- it's an occasion just so full of emotions. While sitting in the church waiting for the bride to finally walk down the aisle, I couldn't help but remember my wedding day.


The Prayer was sang as the beautiful bride slowly walked down the aisle with her father. A huge knot began to form in my throat. As her father gave her away, people started to wipe away their tears. The ceremony was solemn but brief. I was thankful for the message of the priest because it reminded me again of the importance of marriage. The hustle and bustle of everyday life often distracts me from certain things I should focus on. My priorities get jumbled a lot of times and I often end up neglecting people and things who deserve my love and attention. I allow petty things to destroy the day without realizing how much is being compromised because of my own selfishness.

I closed my eyes and said a prayer.

The reception that followed of course was for everyone to enjoy.

I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful for my children.

I am thankful for family.

More Color Blue

I went for my 2nd trisem ultrasound last week. Let me just say that everytime I have an ultrasound (I have had probably almost more than 20 scans in my entire lifetime! OC me), I always feel so, so nervous. Paranoia just fills my entire being -- what if the baby isn't there anymore? what if they see something wrong with the baby's heart, what if there's a left or a finger or a toe missing? And my heart begins to race so fast.

So anyway, I went for my scan. And voila! I'm really starting to believe that my body is really made for making boys. It sort of drove me hysterical just thinking of all the testosterone that will fill our home.

I walked out of the doctors clinic thankful that the baby was doing OK. Very energetic--he kept kicking the whole time.

Now on to what to name him.

Drumming My Fingers While Waiting For A Light Bulb Moment

He kicked the habit when he was 4 1/2. My 6 year year old son I mean. His addiction to thumb sucking. I thought it would NEVER end. But it did.

So I was pretty damn proud of myself for having been able to control my 2nd son's thumb from finding a comfortable place in his mouth when he was a baby. Unfortunately, he discovered something more comforting.
I have my faults, I admit. It was convenient for me in the beginning. He'd cry (but was full), pop the paci into his mouth. It would keep him busy.


And today, he still thinks its comforting. Only, his lovey Tigger has been added to his must have's. Or else a major melt down happens.Tigger can stay. But seriously, the paci's gotta make an exit soon.

The Scar It Left

3 years ago, I was faced with fear.
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To best describe it, I thought I was well into accepting the reality. But as I look back on all of it now, I somehow regret it. Why didn't I just remain true to what I truly felt? Maybe I contributed to her being so discouraged? Just looking at her made me want to fully acknowledge the fact that that was it, that the end of the line had come. Because so many people also told me to do so. But deep down inside, even in her worst condition, I was still wishing that she would get up, cancer free and live a normal life.
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She left on a Sunday morning.
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I said she was in peace. I knew she was no longer suffering.
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Today more than ever, I miss her.
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Why did cancer choose her? It chooses no one.

HAH! Who Would Have Thought.

This is it. The time that I never imagined myself facing has finally come. Doing homework with my child. I never gave serious thought to anything beyond breastfeeding, bottles, diapers, burping, crawling, 1st day of Kindergarten, school programs. I mean I seriously thought that was it. Gawd!

He used to bring home pages to be colored, pictures to be cut out or letters to be traced. I could deal with that.

Two days ago he came home with an assignment. He needs to do an oral report on Somalia and pick one holiday celebrated by that country. And because I was trying to be traditional, I referred to the good ol' World Book encyclopedia. I did get relevant information but I had to admit that nothing would beat the World Wide Web.

Anyway. So OK an oral report. I realized how physically draining and emotionally draining it was and still is (as we are still half way through his report) for both my son and I! I had to remind myself a million times that I wasn't the one doing the report but it was my son. That it wasn't MY report but his. That my son was doing a report for a 6 year old. Many many times I forgot that it wasn't a report for a 26 year old lady enrolled in a masteral class. So I had to edit and re-edit so much information. And then there was the writing problem. Of course as we were reading through articles, I expected him to start jotting down notes but then again he is 6! And then both of us started to get frustrated. And many times I told myself that this is HIS report and not mine. All I must do is guide him and help him and not dictate upon him how he should do it.

Of course as I sit here now, I find myself shaking my head while laughing.

Wait until he brings home Algebra problems sets. Totally out of here.

When Oh When

I can't believe it's already mid - October. Where did the 1st 2 weeks of October go? Better yet, where did the past 9 months go? Time. It flies.

During my last OB visit, my doctor told me I can start thinking of when I want to deliver. I can give birth March 4 onwards. That's only 4 freaking months away. Since I can never deliver normal and will forever have to go through a C-section, I look at it as a blessing that I can in one way or another choose the birthday of my baby.

So when should I give birth? Given that my 6 year old graduates from pre-school on March 21, I would want to at least not look so swollen / bloated on his graduation day. So I was thinking of giving birth on March 5 or 6. I searched the net for famous birthdays and found that Andy Gibb and Niki Taylor were born on the 5th and Tom Arnold and Shaq were born on the 6th. Sometimes though I wish that I would just naturally go into labor (like I did with my eldest) and then just have the surgery when that happens. Fat chance.

I'm still looking fat rather than pregnant so I do get A LOT of comments like "Looks like you've gained some weight! Eating must be so much fun for you" or "Did you quit going to the gym?" To which I answer "Yes I quit gym and I love to eat." And then flash them a huge smile.

My 6 year old is extremely excited about his "new brother." He says the 3 of them are going to be just like the Jonas brothers. And who in the world are the Jonas brothers, I ask. He gives me this lengthy explanation and says I should watch more of the Disney channel. One time I started to talk to him about how we have to start saving more since there's going to be 3 of them already and how the economy has been affecting us, etc. He listened intently and then said "Maybe if you shopped less, we'd save more money Mom." Smart kid. Left me speechless.

Lessons Learned

I thought it would be a great idea to ask my older cousin Tanya (who babysat / entertained / cared for my 6 year old for 4 days in Manila) to write about her experience with my son.

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Saturday, October 4, 2008

A Six Year Old Pedestrian

Lessons I've re-learned from my six-year old nephew in a span of 4-days.

1) Mornings are for waking up.
A conversation between my nephew and myself went like this:
Josh: What time will you wake up tomorrow?
Me: When you wake up
Josh: Nooooo.... you're still asleep when I'm awake eh!

2) Eat complete meals. Snacks are not considered meals.
Meals mean rice and cooked food. Bread does not constitute a meal, it is a snack. There are three meals in a day and one should cook or prepare adequately for a meal. Meals are important if you want to keep up with the energy of a six-year old.

3) Footprints and handprints are forgivable.
Black footprints on immaculately white sala cushion covers or lemon yellow dining room seats, or oily fingerprints on car uphostery are not so bad when the cause is a six-year old who feels comfortable enough to crawl into these seats. Solution, assign him a specific dining room seat for the duration of his stay. Less chairs to clean that way. And oh, wash his feet often and name him Joshua Blackfoot (i think he actually likes the sound of it)

4) Keep your promises.
Promises are made to be kept whether it be a glass of halo-halo in Chowking or a visit to a children's fun center or a morning of swimming in the pool. Trust is built on keeping one's word. In return, you also have a cooperative and pleasant kid along during the time you also have to go to a meeting or the office. He keeps his word too.

5) Decisions are best made with everyone's participation.
Each day begins with the writing of a list. A list of tasks, errands and also fun things to be done. This way, the day is both structured and planned out. Josh got to write the list and tick off each task as it was done. Spelling was of course subjective but the end of the day felt great: One day's list read something like:

1. Bring "amma bidit" to Ateneo
2. Fix bedings
3. See pool
4. Talk to carpenters
5. Pass auntie's office
6. Red Barn
7. OPAPP (my other office)
8. Meet Shalom at IPD
9. Home
10. The End

6) Children are children and Adults are adults.
No matter how pleasant or structured or fixed are any arrangements, children will at one point throw a tantrum. Be it because they are sleepy or because they miss home, they will cry and refuse to do what they otherwise gladly do (change into house clothes, brush their teeth, go to sleep) and in these instances, be the adult and make them do it but tuck them into bed with a kiss and a hug and a stuffed penguin for lack of any other available replacement for his Pooh bear. In the morning, you'll be greeted bright and early by a smiling kid.

7) Words make powerful impressions.
Chose your words and reasoning well. In explaining why we were not going BACK again to the children's fun center for a third time, I reminded Joshua that in the conference we had come from, there were children of community members who would not even get to see the fun center at all. It seems this image stuck with him as he went home so as to mention it to my mom in Baguio. Another instance was when Josh was given 100 pesos by my mom to buy anything he wanted. I brought him to a toy store where he said he would buy something for himself and for his little brother. I said we woud use his money. After an inordinately long time of going around the aisles, i realized he was not conflicted about which toys to buy, he was trying to see what was not expensive. My heart almost melted thinking no toy these days would be under 100 pesos and he had both himself and his brother to think of. Needless to say, we choose moderately priced toys over 100 pesos and i gladly footed the bill.

8) Children (and no doubt adults too) glow when they know they're loved.
Josh couldn't stop smiling and asking for the story to be repeated that his mom told him over the phone that his brother was looking for him in drawers going "Josh... wer ah yoo..?". Josh looked forward to calling home every night (or anytime he could press the speed dial) and candidly would say he missed his mom and dad and dash and Pooh bear then just as candidly and confidently say they missed him too. A kiss, a hug and a lot of affection would elicit a smile from Josh but not as big as when he was on the way home.

... and that is the biggest lesson of all...

and oh yeah... I need twice the energy I thought I had to keep up. I must have lost 5lbs and a whole day's sleep (or at least the equivalent of a day's sleep for me) in 4 days...

Monkey See, Monkey Do. But What If The Other Monkey Is Missing?

Since my 6 year old is on a 3 week break from school, my cousin thought it would be a good idea to "borrow" him and keep him busy for 4 days. So my Aunt brought my son down to Manila to stay with my cousin.

What happened is for my cousin to tell.

It was the first time in their entire lives that my 6 year old would be separated from his 2 year old brother for that long. I thought it wouldn't make such a big difference but boy it did.

My 6 year old left on the midnight bus trip so the next day, my 2 year old was surprised to see that his older brother was no longer in their room. He went around the house looking for him saying, "Josh? Josh! Josh?! Weh A Yooo?" while looking in the drawers. So I asked him, "Where did Josh go?" Lifting his shoulders he answered "Don Know." Used to playing / imitating / pestering / bickering / competing with his older brother, my 2 year old had to adjust to life at its simplest. Playing alone with no one to fight over toys with. And for the first time, I didn't hear any complaining around the house.

Over the weekend, we took advantage of taking our 2 year old out-- just him. To our surprise, he was the most behaved little angel in the whole wide universe. I didn't have to remind him to keep still in the car nor did I have to keep telling him not to touch this and that. He just sat there until we got to where we were going. We were amazed. And then come lunch time at a restaurant (this is a time I ALWAYS dread -- saving it for another post), he sat on his high chair and patiently waited for the food to be served (!). How great is that?! That NEVER happens when his big brother is around. And when the food came, I prepared a small portion on his plate and he finished it without any dilly-dallying. My husband kept asking if there was anything wrong with him. We couldn't help compare how our 2 year old was being so much like our 6 year old when he was the same age.

I thought to myself, having another child to interact with definitely affects the behavior of another. Since my 2 year old is in the monkey see - monkey do stage, whatever his 6 year old brother does, he thinks he can do --even better. So there are constant bumps and bruises caused by climbing and running and jumping. But this time, my 2 year old was left to interact with adults.

Although we were amazed / amused and happy, we noticed how much my 2 year old was yearning for his brother. My 6 year old came home the following Monday and I could tell how much they missed each other.

The moment he stepped in the door, they started to quarrel over a toy.

Now everything is back to normal.

It Pays To Pay Attention

Now I do remember, years ago -- paying half of my attention to what my Dad was saying -- about my Dad mentioning to me how good an appetite I had. I was probably 12 or 13, when I was at the peak of my growth spurt (if I could call it that, given that I only reached 4'11 1/2). If I do remember correctly, I was eating a snack while he was watching me eat. He went on saying something about how much his mother (my grandmother) would always have to have a food filled ref / cupboard --house in general -- to make sure she kept her 2 (forever) growing boys well fed.
resources running low

Really, I wish I payed close attention to what my Dad said and asked the necessary questions. I wish I paid more attention to what he was saying so that I could also ask my grandmother for advice / tips later on.

Based on my personal experience, it is a MUST when you have boys in the house to make sure that the house NEVER runs empty on food. NEVER. OR ELSE.

My boys are constantly eating / grazing / chewing on something. And if the monthly grocery hasn't been done and they go hungry, they give me the saddest / cheated on a million times / abandoned on the streets / left to fend on their own looks which totally makes me feel like the worst mother in the universe.

Well, I'm off to do the grocery.

I just got the "look" last night.

This Icky Feeling

I knew it. I just knew it. But I never learn! I totally jinxed myself AGAIN. After posting how my pregnancy was going pretty well I came down with the worst colds which was accompanied by an itchy-scratchy throat and had my head aching for the past 3 days. Yesterday at work, my backed started to ache so much that I started to cry.
I went for my check up yesterday. So far, I haven't gained weight BUT the baby is growing. I got to hear the heart beat as well. I was prescribed antibiotics as well.
And with my boss being on leave, I had to go to work this morning. But I really couldn't take it anymore so I took the half day off. Eeech.

For Some Reason

2 years ago, I started this blog. For many reasons -- I thought it was an awesome way of keeping a diary and an even "awesomer" way of meeting great people on line. And I have. And I am thankful that I have developed special ties with some people who even if I have never met in real life, seem like I have known them forever. I have shared my life on this blog and you all have shared your lives with me too. And I am grateful.

Lately though, a number of people I have come to love seem to have grown distant for reasons I don't know. Some have decided to go private with their blogs, some have chosen to suddenly remain silent and some may have completely lost interest. And I do wonder why. At times I think if I'm the problem? I try to think of possible reasons why they decided to do such, was it because of me? What pushed them to suddenly be such?

Maybe they've outgrown it? Maybe they got tired?

I may never get the answers. It will forever remain unsolved. But to all of you who have remained true, please just know I that I am thankful and I'm glad we met.

My First...

... Pregnancy update that is. Funny how I haven't really talked about all my pregnancy symptoms in detail yet.

So far, I'm pretty much done with nausea, throwing up, migraines (oh crossing my fingers I don't want to jinx it!), sensitivity to smell and adverse dislike for certain foods. Thank God.

I am now on to bidding farewell to my high heels and pencil cut skirts and saying hello to unbuttoned pants and maternity tops. Together with this comes a truckload of laziness and whole face covered with zits.

Insomnia has come around the corner too. I've found myself awake at 2 or 3 in the morning so full of energy, as if my mind were so alive. Give it an hour or 2 and then I find myself in dreamland having the hardest time kicking myself awake to get ready for work.

The baby has been doing its job of kicking every once in a while. I feel light flicks through my tummy throughout the day. Pretty exciting.

And then there's this whole paranoia thing I have also been facing. The what if's. What if the baby isn't healthy? What is it comes out not complete? What if there's something wrong? what if I have a miscarriage? Gaaaad.

I've been doing pretty normal for a pregnant gal so far.

No tummy pictures yet. Soon.

TOUGH

How does one collect oneself after giving birth and get ready to leave a baby barely 3 months old with a babysitter for 9 hours a day?

This was a nightmare I was faced with 2 years ago. I thought it would be easy. After a whole month of staying at home, I felt bored and thought I was ready to go back to my "old" day schedule. Surprisingly, as my 78th day of leave slowly approached, I found myself dreading the thought of walking out of the house at 730 in the morning leaving my baby all day. Although blessed with a bay sitter who had been with us for 4 years, I knew it was still my role to primarily watch over and take care of my children.

The day did come and I tell you, I was filled with an insurmountable amount of guilt. At work, my stomach felt queasy and I would feel my heart skip a beat every once in a while. A lot of my officemates assured me that that's the way things really are now a days, that both parents really have to work to support the family. Words of encouragement would make me feel better for a split second.

I would rush home for lunch to feed the baby and leave as much milk as I could for the next 5 hours I would be away again. B the time I would get home, I would be exhausted from work but I still knew that there would still be so much to do until both children would finally settle down to sleep. And then of course, there would be the wee hours in the morning feedings until the baby was about a year old.

2006 was a tough year. I felt the need to prove myself to myself and to many other people that I knew what I was doing and I could manage to do what I knew I needed to do. And when I would feel I would fail, I felt I would spiral into a depression -- a feeling of not being good enough.

It was a dark period in my life. As if I were drowning.

I dread having to feel that way again. March is just around the corner. Before I know it, the 3rd baby will be in my arms. And soon, I will dread the countdown to my last day of maternity leave before 2006 will flash before my eyes again.

One Of Life's Toughest Choices

There's a new book out and I so want to read it. It's entitled The Comeback. It's a compilation of stories of women who left their careers to focus on family and after raising their children, decided to make a comeback in their careers.

I cannot speak for the book since I have not read it. But the topic feels very close to my heart because I am a working mom.

In developing countries like ours, it is almost impossible for both parents not to work to earn to support the family. I may be blessed to have a job which I love doing, which is related to the degree I earned and which I see as the career I would want to see myself continue to grow in. But there are so many other people who work because they simply have to. Because if they don't, their families will not have anything to eat. Because again, in countries like where I live, finding a decent job which pays enough is scarce so a lot of people settle for any job that would pay them even just the minimum.

And sadly, discrimination still looms over our heads. Especially for us women. I have seen it. Women who are married with children, married without children or single with children have a harder time looking for a job. Which is why some women upon finding out their pregnant, feel like the life that lies ahead for them is doomed. Others completely lose their confidence after giving birth and decide not to give their careers a second chance.

Motherhood can never be described. To define its importance would be insulting. YET, our government has failed to recognize its importance. If we deliver via normal deliver, we are only given 60 days of maternity leave. If it is via C-section, we have 78 days. The baby will barely be 3 months old by then. There are so many effects felt by both the mother and the baby.

When a mother goes back to work, there is a insurmountable amount of guilt felt. Should I? Shouldn't I just stay home and be with the baby? But if I don't go back to work, who will still want me after 3 years of being at home? You will no longer have negotiating power.

Some spiral into depression. Others go about in their daily routines in confusion. Some question their worth. Some choose to be indifferent. Others adapt beautifully.

But deep in our hearts, we question ourselves. Is it all worth it?

What IS all worth it?

So Many Questions...But The Answers Are So Few

Josh: Mom, who were the very first people in our city long, long, long ago. Like very long, long, long, long - the very first - long, long ago?

Me: (silence. thinking of an answer. but before I could answer...)

Josh: I think it was God.

Me: Uh Huh...

And then he cuts me off again.

Josh: How did God create people? Did he use mechanics? Or clay?

Me: (Carefully putting my thoughts together to avoid a very lengthy conversation which could last for months on just that topic)

But alas, he couldn't wait for my answer.

Josh: You're having a hard time thinking, huh?

Me: ....

Josh: I'm gonna go with clay.

All Together Now

Want a jaw-dropping-shake-your-head-in-disbelief moment?

Nanny carrying probably a 10 - 11 month old baby. Grandmother pushing stroller. Mother walking behind them. In maternity clothes. Probably 5 or 6 months pregnant.Not sure.

Grandmother parks stroller. Mother sits down and asks for the menu. Nanny and baby sit down.

They get comfortable.

Mother flicks the match and lights her Marlboro. Grandmother asks for a stick and does the same.

Near by, a 26 year old woman, 3 months pregnant drops her jaw and shakes her head in disbelief.

I Can See It Coming

And then from the speakers came...

.... Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Ack!

I mean seriously? Is Christmas already around the corner? I counted, we have 111 days to go but the memories of Christmas '07 still seem so fresh. Morning shows keep featuring everything about Christmas. From where to score beautiful / cool / cheap Christmas decors to tips about how to come up with a reasonable Christmas shopping list without having to max out all your cash.

I can't believe that soon, we will be planning the Christmas dinner menu again. Wrapping gifts - oh no, thinking of ways of how to hide the gifts from the kids and then finding the perfect time in the middle of the dead of the night to wrap them.

It is happening, The 'ber" months have set the mood. Early, early sunsets, the chilly air that greets you when you step outside.

3 more months before we close 2008.

Has is it been a good year for you so far?

Times When We Don't Meet Eye To Eye

Josh: Mom, let's play the guessing game! You go first!

Me: Ok. Guess who's blue...

Josh: Blue! (of Blue's Clues)

Me: Nope. He has a red nose. Long skinny arms and legs.

(silence)

Me: Ok, he's a puppet monster.

(silence)

Me: Kids love him (hopeful voice)

Josh: Who's that??!!!

Me: Grover! (Geez)

Josh: Ok, it's still your turn.

Me: Guess who's black and white, is a cat and says "I tot I saw a........"

Josh: Tweety Bird isn't a cat mom.

GEEEEZ.

GAME OVER.

And VOILA!!

Being a non-techy person, I never had the chance to play around with the lay out of my blog more so even make a header that I really wanted. Until last weekend when Shoshana sent me an email offering that she make me a header for my blog. I could NOT contain my excitement!

I "met" Shosh almost 2 years ago and since then we have been following each other's blog.

Shosh actually asked a fellow Pinay blogger
Cathy
to make my header. I think it was really really sweet of Cathy to do this even if she has never "met" me! I'm sure she had no idea who I was but was still so nice enough to make me a header!!

Go on over and meet them and send them some love.

Thank you so so much Shoshana and Cathy!! I love my new header!!

This Time Around

Pre- 3rd pregnancy.

I asked my friend, "I wonder if even when you have your 3rd child, you still feel the same level of excitement when you had your 1st or your 2nd." She said, "I'm not the person to ask because I only have 1." And then we laughed.

And then I got the answer.

Yes, it's still the same. Although the initial feelings upon finding out may have varied for me, "the morning after" feeling is the same. It's indescribable. Future plans just coming rushing to my mind, I can't help but start to imagine what he will look like, I smile and laugh thinking about what a riot it will be with 3 boys ransacking the house.

And after giving away bags and bags and more bags of baby clothes to the orphanage, I am excited to go shopping. After all, those clothes were already 6 years old. I think the new baby deserves a more up to date clothing line. There I go with my rationalizations.



It's been icky feeling time the past month. Food in general wants to make me throw up and the feeling chooses no time. For 2 weeks I would get the morning sickness sometime between 10am - 2pm. Lately its been 8pm till I get myself to sleep. And I am so so so so damn lazy to do anything. I worship lying down time.

In The Long Run

Last weeks long weekend (not so long for me since I had a job fair on Saturday) + glorious sunshiny weather, spelled B-E-A-C-H time for us. We decided to leave for the beach after church on Sunday.
While discussing plans with the husband in the car, my 6 year old decided that he had plans of his own. He wasn't coming with us. So I asked him where he was expecting to spend the night. He said he'd be OK at my MIL's. At 6, he had it all planned out. So after the husband spoke with my MIL and made the necessary arrangements, off to the beach it was.My 2 year old was going to be "an only child" for the weekend! It did excite me. All attention on him, NO FIGHTING (that's the best part), no whining and no telling on each other. How great would that be?

How is life as an only child?

My eldest had that for 4 years. All his baby clothes were new. All his baby things were new. All his toys were new. He didn't need to share anything to anyone. Family time centered around what HE wanted to do.

I have that life until the day I die. And let me tell you it can get pretty damn lonely. It wasn't a choice that she just had me. My mom lost one before she had me and one more when I was around 3 years old. Although I never had the latest and coolest toys or clothes, the one things I always had was the attention. Whether it was for something good that I did or something not so nice. All eyes were always on me. Growing up, I learned to play alone. I thought talking to myself until the age of 12 was pretty normal. When I did get to play with my cousins, fighting would always ensue. I never really understood what it meant when my Aunts would tell my cousins to "take care of your little sister." When I got older and shared secrets with friends and vice versa, they would tell me "you're the only one who knows aside from sisters name. When I reached adulthood and I became part of the decision making process at home, there was no need to consider other siblings thoughts or opinions. But the hardest part came when my parents died. The true essence of being an only child became so so real to me. Everything that had to be decided on was on me. The responsibility never divided. Shoulders heavy. Heart broken.
I smile just by the thought that one day, my children will have each other all the way.

It's Gonna Happen Soon, No Wait! Maybe Now.

My conviction to do so (very soon) has been strengthened. I got a good laugh after checking my googleanalytics account after like forever. And I found the following entrance keywords in my report:

1. three boys and a lady

2. 3 boys and a lady

3. "intimate bridal shower"

4. 3 crazy questions to ask from a lady friend

5. a love story about boy and a lady (take note it said boy)

6. boy feeling lady breasts.

The last 2 are totally child unfriendly! And this is not what this blog is all about. I found myself laughing at how ridiculous people can get. The internet IS a dangerous place.

Uh I think I'm changing its name now.

Reality of Death

Not once did it ever cross my mind to become a doctor or a nurse. The thought of having to memorize so many technical terms scared me. But the thought of blood, tubes and having to deal with internal organs totally closed the deal for me. It scared me. It scares me.

In 2004, I came face to face with one of my greatest fears. After having collapsed at home, I found myself standing beside my father who could no longer talk, in the emergency room of the hospital. Things for him went downhill so quickly. The next day, he was already in the ICU on the respirator, with a catheter and many other tubes inserted into his very gaunt body. His eyes were covered with eye patches after he suffered a stroke and could no longer control his eyes. His chest would rise up perfectly with the rhythm of the machine. All I could do was hold his hand and assure him things were going to be ok even if deep down in my heart I knew he was a goner. A DNR form was presented to us and it didn't take long for Mom and I to decide to sign it right away. The nurse just kept monitoring his blood pressure which was dropping by the minute. Then the nurse said he was going. The machine beside him just kept beeping until all we heard was one long beep.

How was I supposed to know that 1 year and 6 months later I would have to face almost the same scenario again? Standing in the ICU of the St. Lukes Hospital, I stared at her at wondered how long she had to suffer. Conscious but on the respirator, the tube hung out of her mouth as her chest, exactly like how I remember my father's, rose in perfect timing with the machines pumping of artificial air to help her breathe. Sweat trickling down her bald head. She was sweating profusely because her heart rate was so fast. At 180-200 beats per minute, her doctor said it was as if she had been running a marathon for the past week. With the sound of a drum is if it were coming from inside her body getting stronger and stronger, we found out that the tube had been displaced. Reinsertion had to be done. The nurses moved swiftly, closed the curtains. All I heard was her struggling. It must have been a blessing that I didn't see her during her very very last hours. After being revived, I heard her eyes were popping out and had no more focus. As if they revived her just so that family members could see her "alive."

The first few months after his burial and her cremation were hard. Much as I would have wanted to remember him as the man who when I would embrace him felt as if no one could hurt me, all I could see when I Wold close my eyes was his lifeless body full of tubes. Same with her. Instead of the energetic and full of life self she always was, I would close my eyes and see her 4"8 frame so pitiful on the hospital bed.

We can never really choose how we die. I given much thought to how I would want to go. In simple terms, I'd want enough time for closure with the people I love but I would not want them to be burdened with them having to care for a physically suffering me. I'd want to be remembered not by who I was during my last days.

But you know, death can never really be bargained. The when or the how. More so the why. Death is something we hate to talk about. We feel there are more important things to think of. We never plan for it. And because of this stigma, those who are left behind -- those we truly truly love, end up hurting so much.

"Geez" A Post Full Of Rants

It didn't take long before things around me started to get annoying and irritating. Most people were happy for me and the coming of the new baby but they always had to make comments like--

"Oh, you don't look too great -- looks like you're going to have boy."

"I hope you don't have another boy!!!!!!"

"Let's cross our fingers and hope it's a girl this time!"

"You're totally having a boy, just look at you!"

"Oh no! what if it's another boy?!"

Seriously, I am only on my 9th week. The stomach is still zero visibility. I am not yet wearing my maternity clothes -- because yes, my tummy isn't showing yet! My face hasn't changed - no swollen nose or dark circles under the eyes. 

I mean what the heck is wrong with having 3 baby boys? What is wrong with not having a baby girl if it really isn't meant to be? 

I know the hormones are beginning to show. Forgive me.

Numbah Thwee

In relation to my previous post,I finally think I'm ready to post the 2nd part.

So after I left the doctor's clinic, I called the husband to tell him how it went. I couldn't even finish the sentence because of the huge knot in my throat. Thinking it was something grave, the husband dashed right out of the bank and straight to the hospital to pick me up. I was finally able to tell him the story and then I asked him to drive me to the drugstore before bringing me back to the office. So at the drugstore, I gave the prescription and patiently waited. The pharmacy assistant came back and informed me that they were out of the anti-depressants that were prescribed to me. Darn, I thought.

For the heck of making sure, I asked for a pregnancy kit.

Drumroll please....


I had been feeling weird the past month or so but wasn't paying close attention to the already symptoms at that time. So I after calling the husband, I told my officemates and I called my OB and my closest friends. Everyone was happy for me.

I have been wanting to share this news since I found out almost more than a week ago BUT was held back by a surprising reaction by someone. When I told my cousin, she sounded excited / what did you get yourself into / why?!? Maybe she was just thinking if I was still in my right mind to have another kid given that times are tough, prices of everything keeps going up child care isn't easy, etc. She told me to post on my blog when I was sure I was ready because surely other family members (my aunts) would get to read my blog and would most likely ask me questions and so I had to be ready when they did ask.

And I decided to take a step back and refrain from being excited. I thought to myself, did I do something wrong?

For the next week, I kept silent and kept thinking about everything. And today, I realized, I am happy. I am ready. I am excited. I am blessed. And I totally do not owe any explanation to anyone at all.

This is my 3rd chance to improve on my craft -- this thing we call motherhood. I am embracing this role I have been blessed with even more. This baby may have been unplanned in the sense that we were not expecting the baby this soon, but definitely this baby is well loved and is already being well taken cared of.

Last night, I lay in bed while everyone else was in deep slumber and felt that tugging feeling in my heart -- I started to miss my Mom and Dad so bad. I thought, if they were alive, they would never have doubted my and my husband's capabilities of raising 3 children. In fact, they would have been elated. I said to myself, that is what makes the big difference between the love that a parent gives a child and the love that someone else can give you. A parent's love is unconditional. I whispered to myself, hoping Mom and Dad would here me "I wish you were here-- to hold my hand and assure me." I want them so bad to still be here.

And so we're on to baby #3! The past week has been full of so many pregnancy related stories that I can't wait to share. If I may just say, the "high" feeling is exactly the same way I felt the 1st time I was pregnant and the 2nd time I was pregnant. The feeling doesn't wear off. I am excited. I'm due mid-March. I think it's going to be a boy!

It Keeps Him Busy --- It Entertains Us

It's a battle between...
The Dash Knight
And The Dark Tigger!

Clamming Up

Tonight, I am attending an intimate bridal shower / farewell / birthday party of a former officemate who has also become a friend. And although I should be feeling excited about all this (since this is the first time I will be attending a bridal shower {sheesh}), I'm actually stressing about the whole thing.

Why?

Because I will be going alone and I don't know most of the people who will be there tonight and even if I will see familiar faces, that's as far as our connection to each other will go. I am totally not a social butterfly who, upon arriving at a party or a social gathering will comfortably hop from one table to another introducing myself, excited to get to know new people. Nope. Not that type. I know it sucks.

I don't know, most of my real real real friends are my friends since first grade. With them I totally feel extremely comfortable and can totally be myself. I can pee in front of them, change in front of them, burp in front of them -- be me when I am with them. Since I had children, I have also sort of taken a step back from looking for more and more groups of friends. I do maintain a healthy social circle of people lets say at work but to actually actively develop as such friendships as possible, it has become a second priority. Besides, I have pretty much loved doing things alone OR with the husband and the kids -- without feeling sorry for myself.

Is that bad?

This may start to sound real petty but I am secretly hoping that things won't be too stressful for me tonight.

Oh, wish me luck.

Oh My 2 Year old...Oh, Oh, Oh

It is (crossing my fingers), I hope, just a phase. Oh yes it is just a phase. Yeah, totally just a phase. I need to convince myself that it is just a phase or else it's going to drive me crazy!

For my 2 year old, it's all about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's about it.

He wants to do everything you do from put deodorant to cut his own nails to put his own socks to cut his own hair (!) to feed himself to go down the stairs alone. He says, "Me! Me! Me!" He refuses any help from anybody and will squirm away from anybody who tries to help him any chance he gets to do so.

And the answers you get to all the questions I ask and answers to my statements are always a big NO!!!!!!

Do you want to eat?
Are you going to be a good boy today?
Can we go inside now?
Can I help you with that?
Can you give me that pair of scissors NOW?!!
Finish your food now.
Let's wash tigger!
Get down from that shelf!

Rain Rain Go Away!

It's been the 5th straight day of non-stop rain. It can make one's mood extremely gloomy, depressed and melancholic. The rain has its way of bringing about chilly winds that extract sentiments hidden in our heart that we would rather not want to expose.

But the rain can do it.

What The Pen Can Do

The son of an Ibaloi woman who belonged to a prominent family and a Japanese overseas worker who came to the Philippines to make a living, Sinai Hamada had big dreams - he went on to become a lawyer while he continued to write his short stories. But his biggest dream may, if I may just presume, came true when on April 28, 1947, the Midland Courier was born.

It was, in his best interest to provide a local newspaper for the city bearing in mind to always be FAIR, FEARLESS, FRIENDLY and FREE.

To quote: (As written by my grandfather when the 1st edition of The Midland was published):

We are born. This we announce humbly. We enter the fourth estate with no misgivings about our mission, believing we have one, or of our destiny, granting we have any. We aim to go somewhere, quite resolutely, but we do not beat our breast saying so.

As in most father and sons, my father Steve, looked up to my grandfather. Although he did try to level up to my grandfather, he just never did because, as one of his friends put it, "Steve tried to climb Mt. Sinai, but instead, he climbed his own mountain."

Sometime after Martial Law was declared, my father decided to give up his struggle with the corporate world and go back to his roots - to do that which he truly loved -- to write. He joined my grandfather and together they wrote for the Midland Courier.

As greed can often consume a person's heart and turn it as black as can be, the Midland Courier was ruthlessly grabbed from my grandfather by his own brother. Thinking he could carry on my grandfather's legacy, he tries his best but to no avail. Today, the paper which was born out of my grandfathers blood, sweat and tears is slowly going to the dogs. One day it will bury itself -- consumed in greed and ulterior motives. Completely forgetting why it was born in the first place. But revenge is not for us -- I believe in that Greater being who will take care of them in His own time.

As part of a family project, my Aunt came up with the wonderful idea of printing all of my Grandfather's column from 1947 - 1987 side by side my father's articles when he joined in the 1970's. Together with my cousin, we will maybe contribute our own ideas and thoughts - the inner most feelings found deep in our hearts to hopefully come out with a wonderful publication.

In the end, they will be vindicated.

This is for you Dad.

Coming Soon

I've got some pretty big news which although I totally want to share right now, will have to wait a bit.

Changing the name of my blog has something to do with it....

How have all of you been doing?

Part I ...But Part II May Take A While To Be Published

It was a regular working day for me until around 10AM this morning when again, I started to see an aura on the right side of my right eye. Again, I knew I was doomed. So I popped a tablet of advil and a tablet of exedrin. I knew the onset of the migraine was beginning. After half an hour, I popped another tablet of exedrin but the pain was just getting worse.

Determined to put a stop to all this, I decided to make an appointment with my neuro who treated me for my migraines when it began almost 9 years ago.

So I went. She initially didn't remember me, so she went about asking questions like -- could you describe the pain from 1-10, what meds have you been taking, when does the migraine usually attack. The Q&A probably lasted for 15 minutes. And then she said she doesn't seem to see any reason for my migraine attacks except for stress and tension. So she jotted down a prescription after making sure I was off the pill and was not pregnant. I asked what it was. The first was imigran, which I really take for my migraine. And the other was Sumitripan a very mild anti-depressant. I was taken aback when I learned it was an anti-depressant. She asked me if there were a lot of things on my mind or if there were things I am unable to release or unload. I totally just wanted to cry my heart out right then and there.

He Is A 100x More

Apparently, my 6 year old IS a worrier.

By mid afternoon of yesterday, the wind and rain was getting much stronger. While watching TV, we heard a strange sound. Like a small empty drum rolling down the street and then hitting a wall. So we ran to the play room and peeped out the window. Well to our surprise, we saw a very tall bamboo tree that cracked and was hanging on the electric wires. There were small sparks and occasional threats of it becoming a full blown fire. Well, it was scary. I tried calling the electrical company but to our dismay all 7 contact numbers were busy. So I called out local police station but all I got was a very irritating "OK" as an answer. So all 5 of us kept ourselves glued to the window watching out for more sparks.

Finally, after about a whole 15 more minutes of redialing, I finally got through one of the numbers of the electric company. I reported what was going on and the man said he would try his best to inform the team who fixes such since he was only the guard on duty. Frustrated is what I felt at that time.

But all through out, my 6 year old didn't leave the window. He just kept asking what was happening and everytime he would see the bamboo spark, he would jump in fear. I kept telling him to relax.

I decided to go back to the room and go back to reading a book but my 6 year old stayed on. He decided to wait it out and watch what was happening. And then as if a bigger drum were being rolled down the street and it finally banging on a wall, the lights finally went out after a huge explosion like light. My 2 year old completely lost interest half an hour ago, I was in the room reading, the husband was in the room as well. But my 6 year old was still by the window.

By dinner time, we had to call my 6 year old to the table. He started to ask if anything could be done and if so, if it could be done NOW. I told him the people in charge were probably on their way. And then he suggests, "Why don't we just have all the trees cut instead? So that there will be no more trees that can fall on electric wires?" I said that wasn't possible. Sensing his anxiety, I hugged him and told him to just pray. At around 8 in the evening, while still by the window, he happily announced that there were some guys fixing the problem already. So again, we all went to check it out. Seeing that they were taking care of the problem, we all went our different ways. But not my 6 year old, he stayed on and made sure the job was done. All throughout, he kept updating us about the rains, the wind, the sparks and what the men outside were doing.

After about 30 minutes, the lights finally went back on. Then my 6 year old asked if it was really necessary that the men leave. "Why not make them stay and make sure nothing like that will happen again?" I tried to assure him that everything was going to be OK. He goes on to say " This is the worst day ever."

At 6 this morning, I saw my 6 year old in their playroom, by the window, looking out, checking out the bamboo trees. With the winds still gusty and the rains still pouring, I asked him if he was still worried. Poor guy. Well, he said he still was and said "This is another horrible day."

It runs in the family. I got it from my Mom. He got it from me.

There Is Such A Thing As Too Much

There are certain things I will never understand in this lifetime, one of which is the need for one to overwork her/himself regardless of whether they are single/married/married with kids/single with kids. Is it an addiction? Is it a need? Does it make them feel complete?

I have seen how much it can hamper so much aspects of a person's life and the sad part is, they are always so damn proud of "the way they work." Most people leave the office 20-30 minutes after official work hours. Workaholics can go as late at 10 or 11 in the evening and come in to work at least an hour before the day officially begins. You try to invite them for dinner or coffee after work but instead they prefer to stay on in the office. Sometimes, during breaks, you will hear them complaining about how much more work they still have to finish. It never ends.

Weekends for them are spent again, in the office. Saturdays or Sundays are just like any normal working day for them.

But the sad fact will stand. When a loved one dies, your life will never ever be the same again. and it may even take you months or years to recover and move on. But when you die, the company you work for may take a minute or 2 to remember you and give honor to you. But the next day, life will go on.

I wish people would start realizing what their real priorities are in life. What should truly matter.

On Having Boys

"Up up up!" Says the little one
"Look Ma!" says the other.


I say, "Go ahead. Climb higher. But don't cry if you fall." I shake my head and sometimes still can't believe all this. I wonder what else is in store for me 10 years from now.