I Heart It

Last weekend, we --the whole family, took a trip down to Manila to enjoy the long weekend. I was a nervous wreck about how Arrow would take the 5 hour travel time. Turned out he was such an awesome trooper!

The hubby had a grand time at his autocross race.



I had a great time with my best friends. As my eldest son put it, "Mommy, did you have a splendid time with your friends?" Splendid it is.


And we all were able to bond together.


I love family time. Always.

One Fine Gentleman

Imagine, I have to see this cuteness every morning before he goes to school.





He's definitely smothered with kisses before stepping out the door.

Everything Peter, Tony, Kent. Never Mention Super Girl or Wonder Woman

If you are a mother, you have to be creative at all times. At all times. If you're not, you're kid is going to outsmart you. Always.

Me: Time to eat Dash.

Dash: (pointing at the squash and beans on his plates) I don't want that orange and green thing mommy.

Me: But that's what Peter Parker eats to make him fly.

Dash: I want some more orange and green things mommy.

----
Me: Sleep now Dash.

Dash: Nope. I not sleepy Moms.

Me: You have to sleep Dash.

Dash: Don't wike sleep Moms.

Me: Common Dash, Ironman sleeps to become really strong.

Dash: I going to sleep now Moms.

--

Me: Dash. Please. Stop. Jumping.

Dash: jump jump jump

Me: Stop. It. Dash

Dash: Wook Mommy, like spiderman!

Me: Stop.

Dash: I like spiderman Moms! Jumping high!

Me: Just like Super Girl!

Dash: I not jumping anmore.

Sitting On My Thinking Chair

When is too much, too much?

What Shall We Call It Then?

There's this really funny feeling I only started to feel when I became a mother. And I do not know what words to use to describe it. But let me talk about it.

When you have children, priorities suddenly change. If in your past no child yet years, you could splurge your money on whatever your heart desires, when you have a child although you do want that something, you know you aren't supposed to spend all your money on that. When you have children, there are many things you can;t do anymore. Things like making a trip to the salon anytime you want to. Having a kid demands proper time management especially if you are a working mom. When you have a child, your circle of friends start to become smaller - especially if you're like me where I decided to have kids when all my other friends were still enjoying their reckless college years.

In short, having children demands a lot of change. Having children can be very tiring and toxic. It can drain the hell out of us. It can bring us to tears -- tears of joy and tears of frustration. It can make us want to just bury our heads in the sand-- forever. It can make us think and re-think about whether we made the right decision. It can drive us crazy.

And so, so many people tell us to 1. take a break 2. take it easy 3. spend some time alone. And I believe we believe them when they tell us that. But we don't want to.

Like let's say, we're carrying baby the whole day and our back is aching like hell. And then someone kindly offers to carry baby so that we can sit down for a while, probably eat a snack or read the papers or watch T.V. But do we? No, as soon as they get baby from us, we either wash the dishes, fold the clothes, wipe the counters -- do something to keep us busy. On a larger scale, when someone says, go on a vacation and leave your kids with me and do not for one second worry about them, do we? Well we may go on that a vacation, but we will probably spend every second on the phone checking on the kids.

Is it the inability to relax that we should call it? Is it the worry bone in our body that gives us that discomfort?

It's probably love.

I'm Tying A Yellow Ribbon 'Round My Heart

Everytime I hear or read about people battling cancer, my heart breaks. I find it still to be such a sore spot in my heart. When I heard that our former president Corazon C. Aquino was battling colon cancer, I thought to myself, "Indeed cancer does not pick anyone." When I heard that she was admitted to the hospital over a month ago and was in the ICU, I could not help but remember my Mom and her last month of her life which she spent in the hospital -- 3 weeks in a private room and her last in the ICU.

I was barely 4 years old when Cory Aquino became president of our country. I could hardly understand what the 1986 EDSA revolution was really all about. But what I did know was, our country was finally free from the Marcos regime. I remember my mom keeping in touch with her sister- my aunt who was living in Manila during the 1986 coup attempt. I don't really remember much about her 6 year presidency. But as I grew older, I started to learn more and more about what she and her husband Ninoy Aquino did for our country.

In the recent years, when our country would celebrate EDSA day and Ninoy Aquino Day, I would feel more and mpre for my country.

Last week, when former president Aquino passed away, I was again given an opportunity to reflect on many things.

There were basically two major thoughts that crossed my mind. First, I don't think I will ever feel the same way ever for my country again more so, for a former president of our country. I started to think of what the future held for the Philippines. Ninoy and Cory to me stood for democracy. I don't think graft and corruption were the main criticisms thrown against Cory Aquino but rather her ability to run the country - given that she was a former housewife and although most will not admit, and a woman. But she managed. She did. And she carved her name in Philippine history. Thoughts like, does our country still have hope? What now that an icon of democracy is gone? Second, how painful it is for former president Cory Aquino's family to have to cope with the loss of not just a former president, but with a mother. Losing a loved one is never easy, is never wanted. But yes, it is the inevitable.

Just thinking of that made me relive the memories of 2005 when my mom battled lung cancer. I didn't find myself crying this time. I thought maybe I am finally moving on. But the aching in my heart was so real. I am still trying to come to terms with so many things. Things I have tried to dismiss and push away- to hide and pretend they do not matter. I have guilt. I have anger. I have frustrations. But facing them allows me to come to terms. I'm not yet there but I know I'm almost there.

President Aquino's life made an impact in many people's lives. Her death changed lives.

Ponder...Wonder.

Is it too much to ask for more?

Monkey See, Monkey Do

There Are Only 2 Reasons Why I Love Homework Time

1. I get to refresh my memory.

2. I get to practice my patience.

5

I refuse to admit that time flies. I want time to freeze-- forever.

I want you to be my cuddly, sweaty, drooling baby forever. I want you to be the little creature who keeps me secure at night. You are my milk monster who gives me backaches because you love being carried. You are the angel who brings tears to my eyes everytime I remember what we went through when you were in my womb.

I love every single second of loving you, sweetheart.

Don't grow up on me.

The Three Of Them

When you have more than 1 kid, you can't help but compare one from the other -- in a good way.

Arrow reminds me of my eldest in so many ways. For one, he is a thumb sucker. Josh was one too while Dash preferred the binky. Arrow is a sweaty baby just like Josh unlike Dash who wasn't much of one. Arrow's hair is always standing exactly like Josh's until he was about 6 or 7 months. They both have the same color unlike Dash who was fairer. But Arrow is such an easy baby just like Dash unlike Josh who was the fussy one. Arrow loves being cuddled like Dash while Josh preferred to be free of any arms or blankets around him. Unlike Dash who was a serious baby, Arrow is like Josh who was always smiling and laughing.

When I look at my 7 year old, he is very different from my 3 year old. I can't help but wonder who Arrow will be when he gets older. Will he love chicken just like Josh? Or will he love sweets just like Dash?

One thing Josh and Dash do love though are their superheroes. Not a day goes by without hearing the names Spiderman, Ironman, Batman, Hulk. They assign names to each other. They never forget to tell me that I am either Supergirl or Barbie. Although they did say that Arrow could be Mary Jane (Spiderman's love interest). They also love tumbling and jumping and wrestling.

It's fun just thinking of how exciting it will be when the little one starts interacting with his 2 older brothers. I know it will be a riot.

There's a Mouse In The House. No, It's a Rat But Where's The Cat?

I have a dream. It's a dream I have been dreaming of since 2006. It's a dream I rarely talk about because I pretty much know it's not going to happen.

You see, my family lives in the house where I grew up. Much as I would want to call it my own -- since my Mom and Dad have passed away already, I still can't since it is a family home. A home where my Dad's family lived and where 2 of my aunts also live downstairs. It is the home where my Dad's family comes home to when they come for vacations.

It is almost 30 years old. The tiles have cracked, the walls have been stained, the pipes leak. It is our home. But I can't help but dream of having my own house. A home free of clutter, a home which I can decorate and furnish, a home I can paint with colors of my choice. A home free of rodents and roaches.

Last Saturday, we finally caught the culprit. The culprit who has been destroying so much of our house -- nibbling on the wood, eating the electrical wires, eating our food. We tried mouse traps and rodent papers but it just kept outsmarting us. It was giving me nightmares!

My aunt prepared a whole bowl of nasty rat poison. I was praying it would hit the rat real bad because if it would survive the poison, then it would be able to survive more poison after.

During breakfast, while we were eating, our househelp was mixing coffee when she suddenly gasped. The nasty rat was right in front of her. My husband got up to see but the rat turned around and slowly ran into the laundry room -- where it had been living for the past months. The househelp ran to the room to take a peek and see what it was doing. She said it was moving very slow and couldn't climb up anymore. After a few minutes, my husband went to take a look. He said it looked like it was dying. It kept trying to climb up the wall but it kept falling down. It finally turned on its side and died.

Trying its best to climb up but to no avail.

I can't tell you how glad I was. I really heard angels singing.

Mix Mix

It's the end of the month and I can't believe we only have 5 months to go before Christmas. Eeeeek! I am pretty excited because it will be Arrow's first Christmas and I won't be pregnant over the holidays. I do not enjoy being pregnant during the holidays-- because I always was with my 3 pregnancies.

We plan to have Arrow's dedication in December to celebrate it together with our 6th year wedding anniversary. A lot of people have told me about the 7 year itch. Who believes in that? That if a couple survives 7 years of being together, then the following years won't be as bad anymore and that they will most likely not end up separating.

And since we are on the topic of relationships anyway, I want to ask you about your opinion regarding having secrets. Do you share everything with your husband? Or do you keep certain things from him?

And when you know something about someone close to you but that someone close to you thinks you don't know about that something, do you tell that someone close to you that you know? So that she stops pretending or do you just let it be?

_________________

There are certain memories that are definitely much, much clearer than some. Some which I can even remember most of the details. Some just seem so distant. I wonder if it's because I choose to do so or not.

Like I certainly can't remember how my life was when I had only 1 child even if that was just 7 years ago. Even if I only had 2 children 3 years ago. Right now I am shaking my head and smiling, feeling funny that I can't remember those days. What I do remember clearly is the feeling I had shortly after giving birth to my second. I felt very, very restless. I had gone back to work and had been feeling this rumbling inside of me which kept me sitting still. It bothered me. I felt so much pressure to keep myself intact, to keep the whole show together, to please everyone around me. I wanted to just bury my head, clog my ears with water so that I couldn't hear what everyone around me was saying, drink till I was totally wasted so that I wouldn't remember what yesterday was all about.

Those were lousy days.

I sit and stare out of the window now. Trying to contemplate on my life as it is now. There is a certain calm inspite of the little worries and anxious feelings that bother me every once in a while. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I wonder.

There is no need to want to be perfect. For those who take notice of and highlight the negative, too bad. For those who choose to look at the brighter side of things and appreciate them, thank you.

There is a greater need to realize that one can only do so much. There is no sense in pushing a wall you know you can never move -- it's a waste of time. So then I wonder if not pushing the wall is enough in the first place. I guess in time, one gets to realize that it is better to remain still than to keep going somewhere without any direction in mind.

I search my heart. I dig deep. I still shrug and shake my head leaving myself wondering what's next. I'll probably never get those answers. Maybe not now, maybe not yet or maybe not at all.

I am craving for love. But I remind myself that it is better to love than be loved. There is someone I miss. Mom? Dad? A friend? I am glad there is no more fear. Just a blank feeling. Wishing it would leave.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........

Life has been pretty monotonous around here lately. Like really boring. Work, home for lunch, baby, work, home, baby, eat, homework, chores, kids, baby, sleep, eat, work....

Sometimes I want to scream but I realize that its boring in a good kind of way because I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I sometimes catch myself wanting to do this or that. But I know I shouldn't. Often times I dream of going here or there. But I remind myself I can't. There are priorities to think of, people to give more importance to. It may be safe to say that I have tamed the impulsive side of me a bit.

So what do I do then? I don't want to reach the point point of feeling burned out again. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. It's a feeling I do not want to have to deal with again.

These are feelings I rarely share with anybody for fear that they may think I am being too trivial. Given that I only have I think 3 relatives who read my blog and 2 real life friends who do as well, I feel comfortable pouring out my sentiments. I am able to speak out loud when I write on my blog.

So there, life has been pretty boring.

Broken Promises

For me, such leave the deepest scars.

Things so easily said but what has to be done after is always the hardest.

Expectations. Hopes.

Broken. Shattered.

As I Ponder

What life has to offer us is not a choice. How we deal with what life has to offer us is a choice. everyday we are faced with decisions that have to be made and I would want to believe that for each and every decision we are faced with, we have every right to make our own choice.

There may be certain things in our past that we are not proud of. Some unwise decisions made which up to this day we have to suffer the consequences for our foolish ways. Many experiences that may have left us scarred by people around us. Countless heartaches that left us feeling helpless and worse, hopeless.

And for a time we wonder, will these ever end? Will we ever smile?

No one said we have to be perfect. It is in times of trouble, heartache and confusion that we learn.

We worry about tomorrow. We doubt ourselves. We lose faith. We feel we are trapped in a vicious cycle of never ending pain.

It is that one small step of faith that we must take. It is that conscious decision of making that one small step of faith.

We say goodbye to the past but remain thankful no matter how hard it is to the past that was. The past that made us. We step into a new tomorrow knowing better.

Life is sweeter with a bit of bitterness. A stitched heart makes us more appreciative of the people and things around us.

Faith says, "Lord help me through this."

Perfect faith says, "Lord, I know you will see me through this."

Who Wants Poop? I Do!

I have been so obsessed about being able to express and store enough breastmilk for Arrow especially now that his consumption has increased. So last week, I tripled up on my supplement intake. And yes I was able to store around 12ounces in a day aside from the feeding I get to give him when I leave before work, come home for lunch and when I get home from work. It seemed to be working pretty well for the two of us until I noticed he was pooping on a regular basis!

At first, I thought it was my diet. I started eating more fruits and vegetables and tried to cut down on the protein intake. I drank and drank water and milk. But it still wasn't working. I was thinking that he was seriously constipated. His pediatrician suggested I try using the suppository. So I did and it worked. But after another 2 days, he didn't poop again. His doctor said it wasn't advisable that I keep using the suppository.

I was already panicking because this is the first time I encountered this problem with a purely breastfed baby. So I asked my OB and when she tried to eliminate all possible factors, she concluded that I was taking in too much malunggay supplement tablets so she told me to stop taking them first.

One day passed. No poop. Two days, still no poop. Three days and still no sign of it coming. On the fourth day at around 8 in the morning, it finally arrived.

And for the first time in my life, in my 7 years of mothering I heard angels singing while cleaning Arrow's bum.

For the first time ever poop made me so, so happy.

The Cherry On Top Of My Already Yummy Cake

I was the new kid in school. While all the rest spent kindergarten together, I came from a different pre school. My mom walked me to my classroom. I could feel the kids staring at me. That was 20 years ago when I was in 1st grade.

I had no idea that some of the kids I met that day would turn out to be the few who up to this day I consider to be my bestest friends.

They shared secrets with me during sleepovers, we attended debuts together, they cried with me as I walked down the aisle, we planned baby showers together, attended baptisms and dedications of our children, together we mourned over the loss of someone important. We've seen life together.

As we got older, we all started to have our own lives. Some have chosen to leave our city and live a few hours away while some have chosen to live in other countries. In spite of the distance, we still remain true. In the recent years, its been so difficult to all be together at the same time. Seeing each other at least 4 times a year is rare. But it doesn't change the fact that our friendship remains in tact.

This weekend, I got to meet up with 2 of them. We had lunch and then desert after. I listened to their stories of single life while I amused them with stories of married life. We shared out heartaches, our life's desires. I look forward to times like these for they remind me that life can still be sweeter when they're around.

Every Single Penny

You know you're getting your moneys worth when your 3 year old comes home from school...

Dash: Mom, wook! (Holding up his drawing of the 7 continents)

Me: Wow! That's a nice drawing!

Dash: In Afca, it's hot.

Me: Oh really?

Dash:Yes! And in Antarca, it's cold! Peacher said.

Me: Oh so that's what teacher taught you today huh? What else did you do in school?

Dash: Slept.

Me: What? Did all of you sleep? All of your other classmates also slept?

Dash: No, just me.

Me: What?! Why?

Dash: Yes just me. (flashing the hugest smile in the world).

My Day

This time he didn't forget and he made it a point to give it to me first thing in the morning.

Then hubby and I went for a massage. We picked up the kids and then had lunch with my MIL.


We pretty much stayed home in the afternoon and had pizza delivered while we watched a movie. And then we had dinner with my 2 aunts.

Great day.

4 Months

A year ago today, I had no idea who you were. I wasn't feeling different yet. Only after almost a month did I find out about you. I couldn't believe it.

Four months ago, I was terrified but excited. I wanted to see you. You surprised me by being the biggest among you three. You are a blessing. My angel.

As My Year Comes To Another End

I'm turning a year older tomorrow. I can't believe it. I really can't. I also can't believe how far I've come. It feels like just yesterday when I had no worries, no cares, no other soul to think about. And now, I am surrounded by 4 great boys who are the loves of my life.

My mom and dad never told me that life would be this tough. There was a time when I wanted to regret that. But why should I even? Such a waste of time.

As I look back, I sometimes feel that I haven't done much with my life. While other family members have fought for what they believe in I haven't done anything. A few days ago, I was contemplating on what is is that I am really passionate about? Women's rights? Political issues? Gender concerns? Human rights? Nothing really quite struck me.

As I sit here right now, quietly expressing my thoughts I realize what I am passionate about. God, my husband and my children.

As I turn a year older, I look forward to a year centered around God and my family.

I may not be able to make a change in this world. But I may make a change in our home.

And for me, that is more than enough.

You've Got To Vent It Out

If I want to keep my sanity, I have to complain sometimes about things like:

1. My very small feet. And because women in general love shoes, I love shoes. But I do not love walking out of a shoe store feeling extremely sore about not being able to buy that pair of shoes that looked so comfy, matched most of my wardrobe but had a smallest size a size bigger than my feet.

2. The weekend being too short. After being able to lay in bed without rushing, after watching Transformers and having a blast just being with the kids, Monday is something I really have to hate.

3. Our house being too messy. After picking up the toys, there is food on the floor to be swept and then there are toys to be picked up and then more toys to be put away and then more toys to be picked up. I have not talked about the water that spilled on the tablecloth or the throw pillows on the shelves. What are the pillows doing on the shelves?

Beyond Milk Bottles and Diapers

I got my son's report card last week. For the first time, I was to expect A's, B's or C's. And when I got his card, I saw 4 A-'s and 5 B's.

In a society where children's grades are given high importance, I instantly felt quite disappointed. I knew he could have done much better. I knew my kid has so much potential in him.

We were given the chance to speak with his teacher. She told us that Josh is a well liked kid, both by the boys and the girls in his class. He has great potential to be a good leader. He easily takes on the role of a leader when given the chance. But there are times when he becomes too playful and gets distracted when doing his work. He also has a tendency to be forgetful (please do not look at me, I blame all the anesthesia for my forgetfulness..nope, he didn't get that from me.I'm not guilty). which leads him to forget the instructions given to him before the activity. He is an average kid who needs to be encouraged more.

Now. How do I feel?

First of all, there was one time when he came home with an empty school bag. He couldn't remember where his books were! I was worried that it was stolen, he misplaced them or he just simply forgot them. I asked him-- refer back to paragraph 3 where I talked about his forgetfulness -- where his books were and all he could say was "I don't remember."

And then there was one time when 5 minutes before the school bus came, I checked his bag and didn't see his snack inside. Yep, he forgot it on the kitchen counter.

The kid lacks focus.

There are times when after coming home from work, I ask him how his day was, what he did in school, etc. and all he tells me about is what food he ate for lunch and what game they played while waiting for the school bus to take him home.

There are instances when I call him and tell him it's time to review for the next day and he sudden;y becomes sleepy and tired and gives me the weepy eyes look accompanied by the hugest yawn in the whole wide world EVEN IF 5 minutes before that he was all jumping and screaming with his brother.

The kid doesn't look forward to school stuff. Serious school stuff.

I am trying to develop good study habits. When I was still on my maternity leave, I had all the time to ficus on him. As soon as he would arrive from school, which would be between 2:15-2:30, he would have a light snack (a whole cup of rice with whatever was leftover from our lunch -- i'm saving the whole appetite issue for a separate post) and then we would have study time. But when I had to drag myself back to work, study time obviously had to be moved to a later time.

There is this huge amount of guilty feelings packed in a box shoved in the closet which I am trying to avoid at all costs. I have been telling myself that that's the way it really is given that I have to work.

Oh let me spill it all out. I feel that if I didn't have to work the whole day, I would have so much more time, energy and enthusiasm to focus on all my 3 children. To give them all their needs. If I didn't have to work, I'd still be able to have study time with my 7 year old early on in the afternoon when his energy level is still high, I'd be able to spend the day with him (now that he is on his 3 week break) teaching him about life --just life.

I am trying to be superwoman. But I am not. I have given that ambition up a few years ago when I thought I was seriously going to lose my sanity. I am being who I am. Being the best that I can be. But I can only do so much.

So going back to what I was saying. I feel disappointed. At myself.

I'm looking for ways to encourage my son more. This is a first for me. Don't remind me that I have 2 more to go. There's a whole lifetime ahead.

It is my desire to see my children well into their adult lives confident that they will survive this life.

Josh goes back to school in 2 weeks. I sat down with him and had a serious discussion about school and the importance of giving importance to his studies. I'm praying he absorbs everything that I said.

After all, I can only do so much.

First Came Santa

His permanent teeth decided to come out before his baby teeth fell off.

Unaware. Dead to the world

His thank you note for the tooth fairy

On Life

(A few minutes before giving hubby his cake)

Dash: Mommy? Come here! (calling me to one corner)

Me: Yes?

Dash: Come here! (whispering excitedly)

Me: What is it Dash?

Dash: I want talk to you mommy.

Me: About?

Dash: It's Daddy's birthday for Father's Day Mommy!

Me: Hahahaha! It's just Father's Day Dash

Dash: And Birthday of Daddy! We give the cake already mommy?

Me: Yes Dash, we're giving Daddy the cake now.

Dash: Deee-vine? (househelp's name) Get the life!

Me: Life?

Dash: To cut the cake mommy. The life!

Happy

And because you love racing...

And you said no fancy gifts this year...




Happy Fathers Day!

We Love You!

Burn Out

This happens all the time. It's normal. It'll pass.

I want to vanish. I want to hibernate. I need a genie in a bottle to grant me those 3 wishes. I need a vacation. I want to scream my head off. I want to bury my head in the sand.

It'll pass. I will get over it.

A Photo Tag and My Dad

I think this is a great tag, thanks Karen. The instruction is to look up your very first file of photos on this computer and find the 10th photo.


This was taken on October 22, 2006 at the cemetery where my dad is buried and a few of my Mom's ashes are. It was the 1st death anniversary of my Mom and we (me, the husband, Josh and Dash) brought flowers to my Dad's grave.


--

Tomorrow is Father's Day. This is the 6th Father's Day without Dad. I haven't talked about him much lately. Not that I don't miss him. Maybe even missing him even more. I'm trying to search through my feelings right now.

It doesn't get better each year, doesn't get easier. The pain varies each year. One year it was purely the missing feeling. The next, it was guilt. What came next was the yearning. Then, the wondering why knowing there were no answers. For a time, I thought I was ready to simply swallow what just had to be.

I still look for his wisdom. Those things about life that he taught which I never really paid much attention to. When crossroads confront me, I close my eyes and try to imagine what he would have told me. I crave for his unsolicited advise which on hindsight, pretty much made me make the wisest decisions in my life.

He was my wall. That wall I never gave much importance to but without that wall I know I would never had stood firmly on my own. That wall that allowed me to lean my head back on, slide down and cry my heart out on.

He knew me much more that I thought he did. He knew who I was and who I could be.

He believed in my even when the world decided to say I didn't have a chance.

He was brutally frank with me. He slapped me with the hard truth but after doing so, embraced me without saying anything. But i knew everything he wanted to say.

He is my hero.

He is my Dad.

I love you Dad.

Oh Yes, Those Milestones

Dear Writer / Publisher of Baby Books,

I have been a great fan of your baby books since 2002. I have used it to record special events, milestones of my babies. I have filled them with a lot of pictures and remembrances of events and experiences of my children because I would want them to someday fondly look back at all them.

May I just suggest that aside from your

• Ate solid foods at _____months
• Walked at ______ months
• Sat alone at _____ months
• Crawled at _____ months

list, may you add the following too?

• Slept straight through the night ______ months / years old
• Gave up the binky / paci _____ months / years old
• Stopped thumbsucking ______ years old
• Had haircut at own will at barber shop ______ years old
• Allowed to be left at school alone without any drama _____ years old

Such milestones are those which we parents truly look forward to because then we get to hear the angels singing. After all, our babies are human.

We look forward to such changes.

Many Thanks,
Mommy of Three

Time Out! I Said, TIME OUT! TIME OUT!!!

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrttt!!!!!!

That was supposed to be the sound of a whistle.

It's difficult being a referee between 2 bickering / complaining / whining / crying / moping boys. Arghhh! It drives me C-R-A-Z-Y! And I can't bring myself to imaging what its going to be like when the baby starts talking and demanding to be heard too!

They can't live with each other but they can't live without each other. They love playing together but seem to find the need to fight over that ONE toy amidst the gazillion of other toys in their playroom.

One says something and the other needs to say something about it and then leads to debate. And since the smaller one is still grasping the art of forming complete and relevant sentences, he gets so frustrated because before he can finish his sentence, the older one is already saying something again to contradict him.

When I try to give them "time away from each other," they become so sad. They promise not to fight. I give in. The moment they're together again, the bickering / whining / complaining begins.

They're the best of friends. They tell me they can't wait till the baby is big enough to start playing with them

Give me a break once in a while kiddos.

Seriously

It's a long weekend. and you want to know what I will be doing?

1. Working

2. Reviewing my 7 year old for his exams next week.

What can be more fun?

Something I Have Slowly Learned To Learn

Have you ever had the urge to always correct someone if you thought he or she was wrong? or spark up a debate because you firmly believe you must make that person realize your opinion and hopefully convince that person to believe in what you are saying?

Well I have.

And I have found it to be very tiring.

It maybe comes with getting older--maturing they say.

I used to find myself in discussions which would lead to debates. And the debates wouldn't stop unless someone would finally give in and most of the time that someone who would give in wouldn't be me. Of course not.

But lately, I have learned to control my opinions. Sometimes I talk but I just say what I have to say, usually only if I am being asked.

It's less tiring.

As I Was Saying

Where were we again?

Oh yeah. So my 3 year old started school on Monday. I was so full of worry and fear about having to deal with a whole lot of drama but I was totally wrong. We all started the day early and Dash seemed pretty excited about preparing for school. When we got to his school, he skipped happily to his classroom. When he got to the door, he stood there and peeped inside before slowly entering and looking around. When he saw the other children, he happily joined them and started drawing. My husband started to wave at me as if telling me not to show myself to Dash anymore and just leave. I didn't want to. I said goodbye to Dash and told him we were leaving. To my surprise, he just said "OK!" and then kissed me. Sweet boy. I hope this won't ever end.

Arrow turned 3 months on Saturday. He weighs 7kgs and is 63cms long. He still is my sweet little milk monster. He is starting to laugh. He loves his mobile (so do his brothers) and enjoys it when he is being talked to. His brothers love him.

I has been a riot in the house the past weeks. Still a lot of adjusting to do but I find myself happily exhausted most of the time. Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming but realize right away that I wouldn't want my life any other way.

In the meantime...

Total Randomness

I can't think of just one particular topic to write about. I have a whole bunch of nothing in my head right now.

I can't believe I survived 2 weeks without the hubby. He's heading back home tomorrow and the boys can't wait to see him. I must say I sort of enjoyed his time away from me. I think we all need breathing space once in a while.

Today I realized how ungrateful I can sometimes become-- it's embarrassing. I drove to work this morning via another route because I was avoiding the traffic and enormous potholes caused by some stupid contractor who left the road unfinished. Anyway, as I was driving to work, I found myself contemplating on one thing I have forgotten to be thankful for-- my work. So today, instead of complaining about it, I prayed for physical strength to do what I have to do, enthusiasm in the things I have to do and joy in my heart for the things I have to do.

The rainy weather has dampened everyones spirit here at home. My 7 year old can't stand the rain. My 3 year old stands in front of the window scolding the rain to go away and poor little 3 month old has no morning sunshine to enjoy.

I also can't believe that half the year has gone by. Seriously, we only have 6 more months left before Christmas.

My Kind Of Guy

I have noticed that I haven't really been ranting about being tired, zombie-ish because of lack of sleep, etc. And when people in the office ask me if I had a good nights sleep, I actually smile and answer "yes I did have good nights sleep!" Because I always have a good nights sleep. I think it's really amazing that Arrow is such an easy baby. He is such a good baby.

I have noticed that they just keep getting better and better-- my kids I mean. I can't help but compare one from the other at times in terms of how they were when they were babies. One was EXTREMELY difficult to the point where I would dread nightfall because I knew it meant crying and crying and more crying. He just wouldn't stop even if he was full, his diaper was clean, he was burped, he was being cradled. He just wouldn't stop. One was relatively easy but had a temper. My oh my. So when my youngest came along, I was sort of prepared for any kind of baby. But VOILA! I was blessed with such an angel.

He wakes up in the morning and pretty much stays in bed wide awake for half an hour or so before demanding to be picked up. I bathe him and then feed him. when I get home for lunch, I feed him. According to the nanny, he spends the afternoon playing and eating and being carried. By the time I get home, he's ready for another feeding before he plays and coos and makes me adore him. He falls asleep between 8-9 after being fed and then sleeps through the night except for his usual feeding at around 2 and then 5 in the morning. It probably helps that I don't pick him up to be fed anymore because he sleeps beside me and is fed while lying down as well.

I hope I don't jinx myself! But he really is a sweetheart.

Daily Schedule

Around 5:30 AM - pump milk, pump milk, pump milk

6'ish - have breakfast

6:30-7:00 - prepare my 7 year old for school (check bag, give reminders, etc).

7:30 - bathe baby and then feed the baby

8'ish - take a bathe prepare for work, play with 3 year old, pump milk, pump milk, pump milk

8:30 - leave home for work (heart silently breaking)

9-12 - live in boredom a.k.a. pretend to look for something to do at work while thinking of baby and 3 year old left at home

12PM - hail a cab and rush home

12-1 - pump milk, pump milk, pump milk. Feed baby. Play with 3 year old. Pump milk, pump milk, pump milk.

1 - Head back to work

1-6 - Think of kids. Wish I were home. Watch the clock tick till 6.

6PM - hail cab and rush home.

I know things will continue to get better, but right now, this is how I really, truly, honestly feel.

On Your Birthday...

You came at the perfect time. You were tiny when you came into this world. So fragile but you had a strong loud cry.

I can't believe you are 3. You know so much yet still want to learn so much more. You amaze us with your wit and amuse us with your antics.

You are determined and strong willed but you are very affectionate. You know exactly what you want.

I want to hold time from moving because I don't want you to grow up yet I find myself excited just wondering who you will be when you grow up.

I love you!

I Survived It

I woke up this morning with a queasy tummy-- literally. I didn't want to get up. I had breakfast, pumped milk, bathed the baby, saw my 7 year old off to school, tried my best to tame my 3 year old and got ready for work.

I said goodbye to my pyjamas which I would wear the whole day and said hello to hosiery, make up and high heels.

I got through half the day and then rushed home for lunch. I didn't realize that I had forgotten to stick to my 1 hour lunch break. The afternoon took a bit longer. By 4:30, I was already restless. The minutes ticked by and finally, when it was 6PM, I hailed a cab and excitedly rushed home.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I reminded myself to stop complaining and look at the bright side instead.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thank you Shosh and Rach for your encouraging words.

This Yucky, Yucky Feeling

Like there are a thousand butterflies in my tummy. Like the feeling when the roller coaster you're riding us about to take the plunge. Like throwing up.

The husband just left and will be gone the rest of the week. He starts training tomorrow as he joins a new company. I go back to work tomorrow after 78 days of my maternity leave.

Like there are a thousand butterflies in my tummy. Like the feeling when the roller coaster you're riding us about to take the plunge. Like throwing up.


That's exactly how I feel.

Now Let's Talk Politics

Josh: Mom, I lost in school.

Me: What? What do you mean? Where?

Josh: I was supposed to be president but I lost.

Me: Oh you mean class president?

Josh: Yeah! Yeah! Exactly! How'd you know that?

Me: It's ok sweetheart.

Josh: But I did get 2 votes! (With the hugest smile in the world).

Me: Oh cool.

~then I noticed his left hand had a neon yellow band around it with the word YES written all over it~

Me: What's that?

Josh: Oh they gave it to us.

Me: Who?

Josh: The YES party!

Me: Oh, I get it! You're going to vote for your school leaders?

Josh: Yeah! How'd you know?

Me: We also had that in school before. So did the YES party campaign in your class?

Josh: Yes! They are soooo cool (said with feelings)

Me: Why? What makes you say that?

Josh: They gave us this band, they gave us stickers, they gave the girls bracelets. And they have so much fun lined up for the school.

Me: Like?

Josh: Like we're going to have so much games, camping, games. And...(thinking) ...More games

Me: Uh huh. Okay. So did you vote for them?

Josh: No.

Me: What?? Who did you vote for?

Josh: The WISE party.

Me: How come?

Josh: Because teacher reminded us that we shouldn't look at the outside but rather in the inside. Like inside their hearts. Like what is inside their hearts.

Me: Okay......

Josh: So even if the YES party gave us all these and said we will have so much fun, I chose the WISE party. Because their the good leaders.

---
I just found it so cute.

Right Before My Eyes

My almost 3 year old is done with summer school. I was given the chance to stay with him in school for the first few days. Of course there was crying and a whole lot of drama. But he eventually caught the hang of it. I just really wanted to stay out of the whole scene because I was prepared for the drama but since I was allowed to sit in for a few days, I thought what the heck.

It was my first time to sit inside a pre school classroom. I had no problem with my older one when he started school so I only had to go as far as the classroom door when I brought him to class. Anyway going back. So I sat inside the classroom, awed at the materials and toys that they had. I was itching to get a hold of them and play with them myself. There were 6 children all between the ages of 3-4. 1 or 2 (that includes my son) would do their morning drama -- around 10-15 minutes each and there would be a lot of "shouting whispering" from us mothers. The others would be happily playing with the toys. THere would be 1 sitting quietly and waiting for the class to start. Quite a scene.

By the time the children settled down half an hour would have passed by already. I'd sit in the corner and watch. I would find myself smiling. When the teacher would ask the children to participate in an activity, I would find myself tempted to stand up, go to my child and cheer him on to do his best. There would be instances when the teacher would have to discipline my son when he would get a bit restless and again, I found myself wanting to jump up to discipline the teacher! But I reminded myself this is exactly why he is in school. I wanted to clap every time my child would give a correct answer. I wanted to say "I have the smartest kid ever!" But I sat there, quietly. Smiling.

I watched my sons vulnerability. I was awed at how fast he had grown. I sat there with pride.

I told myself this is it. I am slowly letting him go.

When the class would end, I would watch my son smile at his teacher with loving eyes saying "See you tomaraw peacher!" and we'd walk down the hall way holding hands. I held his hand tight. He held mine tighter.

Mommyhood Rocks

Chat of iMoM tagged me. Thanks Chat!


Here’s how the tag works:

I’m going to link to a couple of other mom bloggers here in the Philippines, and to a couple of mom bloggers from other countries around the world, and they’ll write their posts, sharing 5 things that they love (or maybe what they don’t so much love - this playground doesn’t force conformity) about being a mom, and then they’ll tag a few more bloggers from their own country and from other countries, and so on.

Whoever said motherhood was all fun? But despite the difficulties, it has been by far, the most wonderful adventure I have ever experienced.

So here goes

First, I love being able to experience and witness the miracle of life. From the moment you find out your pregnant to the time you give birth must be the most awesome experience one could ever go through. From a little tiny bean to a full grown baby. How does that happen? Miracles do happen.

I also love the toxicity of it all. The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the morning rush. It can get crazy and often times we feel like throwing in the towel, but I would choose this kind of life over anything else. I wouldn't want it any other way. After all this is the only way I know.

I love being able to smell a my baby's sweet breath, being able to clean the spaghetti or cake icing off the face of my toddler, heck I even love embracing my all sweaty 7 year old.

Fourth, I love being able to experience the joy that is felt when I see my kids happy. Seeing them smile and hearing them laugh even over the shallowest things is intoxicating. It brings tears to my eyes just knowing that they will fondly remember their childhood.

Lastly, I love being able to talk about my children. They are my pride. And nothing in this world can ever change that. Ever.


I'm tagging Karen, Rachel, Heather, C and all the other proud mommies who want to play along!

Obra Maestro

"CIRCO"

"SCARE"

The Best Gift: Honesty

Yearning

It's mother's day again. There's something about it that makes me dread the day and for the past years I couldn't exactly figure out what it was. And it hit me. Last night. It's that time of the year when we honor our moms -- our bestfriends, our role models, we prepare cards, take them out to a good lunch, buy them gifts or be extra nice to them. And I haven't been able to do that for the past 3 years. And it makes my heart ache.

When I was much younger, I would make a card for Mom. I would melt my old crayons and splatter them on the card I was making. When I was old enough to receive allowance, I would save up so that I could buy her a present. A nice handkerchief or a shawl and when I was older and could save up for more, I would get her a nice blouse or a bottle of white linen -- her favorite perfume.

As I sit and think of all the "what ifs" in this world, I find myself crying. Now that I am older and more mature, I feel sad knowing that I can no longer give back to my Mom what she deserves, to make up for all the heartaches I gave her during my younger years.

I miss her so much. There are still so many times I find myself craving for her smell, to embrace her, to talk with her.

I'm finding it hard to look forward to Sunday. How I yearn to brighten up Mom's day, to hug her and to see how excited she would be when we would plan where we would eat out for lunch.

I can't help but feel jealous when I see Moms and daughters together. I wish I still had mine. And although so many people always tell me that "it's OK" and "you're going to be OK," sometimes it just isn't.

Cherish every moment with your Moms.

Happy Mother's Day all you Mommies out there.

Wiped Out!

And there were angels singing....