Things I Heart

Over the years of mothering my boys, I have been constantly on the look out for useful, "cannot live without" baby essentials. Here's my list:

The bouncer. The automatic rocking made the bouncer an enjoyable place for my sons to nap and it kept my 2nd child entertained when he was old enough to see. The bumbo. I absolutely love! I found it extremely convenient since my 2nd child couldn't sit on his own until he was about 9 or 10 months! I would take this everywhere with us. I'm sure the little one will enjoy this as well when he is ready to sit on it.
Avent Baby Bottles.I tried 2 other brands of bottles but this is the only bottle my son developed a liking to. I didn't have a hard time making him get used to the silicon nipple when I had to go back to work. Works pretty much the same for my youngest so I didn't bother trying out other newer brands.
Onesies. I can never get enough of these. There are so many onesies now a days but I especially love the plain white ones because they can be worn either by themselves or as undershirts. I have a liking for the Gerber onesies.
What baby things can't you live without?

Mental Sketches

I've been enjoying this thing -- this whole stay at home mom thing. I always wanted to be one. I seem to be enjoying the "hectic" of it all.

Today, my 3 year old son started "summer school." A 2 week program offered by the school where he will be studying this June to prepare the new students so that they could easily "settle in" come June. I brought him to school and had to hang around the campus for a while while he got comfortable with his new surroundings. I enjoyed it a lot. If I weren't on leave from work I could just imagine myself rushing to bring him and rushing to leave his school to get to work on time.

I'm not saying our days don't get hectic--yes they do. Just as I had mentioned, but I have come to love this kind of hectic over the kind of busyness I face when I have to divide my energy, attention and efforts between work and the home. Now I am busy but just with the children and the home.

When I first started working, I was focused on my career and was determined to excel as an HR practitioner. I admit, there were times that I prioritized my work over my husband, my child and the home. But in the past 2 years, I have come to realize how much more important my family is and although I do still have my job, I look at it as something secondary to everything else. I am grateful I have a job but I have learned to say no to certain things especially if it will mean having to compromise my family.

So anyway, going back. I do wonder whether I have been loving this because I know that in 3 weeks time I will be heading back to work. Knowing that this kind of 'free time' on my side won't ever happen again makes me do my best and enjoy every single minute of being so involved in my children's lives and in keeping up the home. Maybe if it were the other way around, I would be loving and enjoying every single minute of whatever part time work I can do. Maybe.

I yearn for what I don't have. I'm scared about how things will be 3 weeks from now. I heard this line once on TV "At the end of the day, we still have to give the best of us and not what is left of us." I find that rather difficult to do after a long day at work.

Arrow

He'll be 2 months in a few days. Again, I wonder where the time went? He's almost 6kgs. He is a voracious eater. He loves it when we talk to him and dislikes being left alone. He is a wonderful sleeper (ooh crossing my fingers that I don't jinx myself after I post this entry!). He is calmed when I sing to him. He doesn't like it when he has to be changed. He doesn't enjoy his tummy time. He is starting to coo and laugh.
I love him so.

His Passion

To say that men are different from women IS an understatement.

My husband loves cars. He loves speed. He loves the high that he feels when he is racing.

I don't love cars but I understand the need to have at least one to be able to get around. I don't really enjoy fast cars. I become a nervous wreck when he races.

But that's his passion. It keeps him busy. It makes him happy.

So I resort to prayer whenever he races.
The boys have a bast watching their dad while cheering for him when his car passes by.

It's a time when we all can also be together and bond.

It'll All Get Better

I'm finding it hard to believe that one day, I will look back at all this --shaking my head and laughing.

With my 1st grader back in school, mornings at home have become a bit more hectic. At 6 in the morning it seems like there is so much to do. When we finally drop off the grade schooler in school my list of things to do suddenly becomes longer. There's laundry to do and folding of last weeks laundry has not yet been done. I open our ref and find that its almost empty. How do squeeze in a quick trip to the grocery? The baby hasn't taken a bath. Lunch has to be cooked. My 3 year old is asking for milk and he doesn't want the nanny to make it for him, it has to be me. The baby is crying--he's hungry. I finally sit down to feed and think of lunch. In 2 hours my 7 year old gets home from school. Hubby is out. Who will pick him up? When he finally comes home, homework greets me. We sit down to do it. My 3 year old is demanding for attention. I'm feeding the baby. I get a message on my cell phone, it's the office asking so many questions and doing follow ups-- I'm thinking, how will my boss ever survive without me and yet give me so little credit?. My head is spinning. It's almost dinner time and I haven't thought of anything to cook yet. There's cleaning up to do after eating and kids to wash up before sleeping. I try to watch TV but thoughts of the next day haunts me. I sort of wish I could get a head start so that tomorrow wont be as hectic. So I sort out the laundry. It's late and the baby is sleeping. The kids are winding down. Just when I'm about ready to sleep, the baby wakes up. So I feed while watching the late night news.

It's morning. I slept. Did I?

It's crazy.

I look forward to looking back at all this -- smiling...grateful that all this happened.

Aside From The Baby This Is what Keeps Me Busy

This was taken a month ago, a week after I gave birth. And since I am so obsessed about saving up enough breast milk, I now have 12 bags in the freezer. I can store more if I had more space. On an average, my baby consumes 1 bag of 6 ounces in 4-5 hours. If and when I leave the house, I am only gone for that span of time.

I have to start storing more. As much as I can.

Of Importance To Me

In 4 weeks, I will be going back to work (gosh I hates saying that). At this point, hard as it is to imagine, I don't plan to stop breastfeeding my baby and me, being the ideal me that I am, plan to continue purely breastfeeding him. Deep down inside, I am clueless about how to do that given that I will be gone for 4 hours in the morning and 5 hours in the afternoon and will only be home for my 1 hour lunch break. Now that I am home and still on maternity leave, I spend most of my time nursing the baby and pumping while I have time so that I can store enough milk bags in the freezer for his feedings when I have to leave him at home.

But how should I / can I ensure that he will always have enough milk when I am gone when the time comes when I am back at work. I have decided that I will spend my morning and afternoon breaks pumping so that I get to bring home at least 1 bottle a day. But pumping isn't all that easy. Sometimes there is a lot and sometimes well, its just simply dry. I know it will be a lot different when I am back at work as when I am here at home free to do all the pumping I want / can.

I pump manually and it does take a lot of my time and it is tiring. I never owned a breast pump. But right now I am thinking of getting one. If I get one, I want to get an electric breast pump. Should I? Given that an electric breast pump is a bit pricey and I may not be able to use it in the future anymore. Are all electric breast pump effective? Is there a particular brand that seems better than the rest? Any suggestions? Opinions?

Boo Hoo

Yes I am an over aged cry baby today. All 3 kids are sick. Did I say that clear enough? ALL THREE KIDS ARE SICK. My 7 year old has asthma. My almost 3 year old has a cough. My 7week old baby has the colds. Sick kids are no fun AT ALL no matter what you say especially a sick baby.
We're bringing them to the doctor today even if the weather is terrible and hopefully they get the necessary meds the soonest.

Boo Hoo.

My 1st Grader

It was Josh's 1st day of school yesterday. We all (me, hubby, Dash and Arrow) brought him to school-- I brought him all the way to his classroom. Of course I was reminding him about every possible reminder I could think of all the way to his classroom. Nagger me.


Now as you can see, I had to discuss certain guidelines with him, particularly:And this is what's fgiving me the cold feet at the moment:

Last Day Before His First Day

Today was my 7 year olds last day of vacation. Tomorrow, he enters 1st grade. Let me just tell you how sad this makes me-- he'll be gone from the home for a whole 6 hours. His little brother keeps telling him "No Josh, no go school please."

So I thought of picking up his cousins and bringing them over so that they could spend the day playing and expelling their energy.

Absolutely Fabulous!

Last year, I "met" Heather and I am so glad I did. She gave me this award:

Thanks Heather!!

Now, it's my turn to award this fab award to fabulous people I have met through blogging.
Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate up to 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude!

3. Be sure to link your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Remember to link the person from whom you received your award.


1. Karen of A Day In The Life...One Glass At A Time

2.Rachel of Heart of Rachel

3.Sophia of Life Is What You Make It

4.Chrissy of Random Thoughts and Musings From The Island

5.Shoshana of Unseal My Lips

6.Cathy of Me and My World

7.Allison of The Story of 5

8.Sassy Mom of Sassy Mom's Corner

9.Audrey of Mom Generations

10.Adrian of Adrian's Crazy Life

Thank you for the friendship Ladies!!

A Good Nights Sleep

The one thing I realized since having kids is that I have never slept straight through the night since 2002. I am amazed. There's always a reason I have to get up a couple of times through the night. To prepare a bottle of milk, to check on a sick kid's temperature, to change the linens of a wet bed, to burp a baby, to change a wet nappy. The list can go on. And sometimes I wonder how it would feel like to sleep through the night without any disturbance. Will I be able to adjust back to that? I've pretty much gotten used to it but I can just imagine how wonderful it will be to not have to wake up at odd hours of the night.

Having 3 children has made me realize how different my life is now from 10 years ago to even just yesterday. Slowly I have learned so many things I never understood with my parents before. It has driven me to want to be a better person though I falter and fall at times, my children have given me reason to stand up and try again.

Many times I wonder if I'm doing it right. Maybe not. Probably not. Even after 3 kids, there is still so much for me to learn. Each day I pray for added wisdom and discernment. This world we live in freaks the heck out of me especially when I think of the future of my boys. I remind myself I need to relax more. There are certain things I cannot control -- should not control.

There are big and small questions to be answered and most of the time the small ones are the hardest to find the answers to.

Many things change. From sleeping straight through the night and everything else in between.

Inspecting Chicks

Me Jane Queen of the Jungle

I love mothering my 3 boys. But you know what? It can get lonely in the jungle too. In the midst of all the jumping and wrestling and loud laughter, it can get lonely. Getting the boys to sit down -- and just sit down -- even for just 5 minutes, never happens. They have to be constantly moving or squirming. I have learned to have fun with Spiderman action figures, I have learned to play with toy soldiers more so be a soldier myself while crawling on the floor and "looking for the enemy" and I have learned to enjoy bug hunting in the garden. Seriously, I never did any of those when I was a kid -- except for the bug hunting. I can get them to sit down and color and read but I have to make sure that after that we play a physical activity or else they would say that "Mommy is boring."

Yes, I have learned to live with boys. But I miss tea time with the dolls, combing Barbie's hair. I find myself looking for someone to talk to about girly stuff -- like what new hairdo would fit me, how the pair of shoes displayed at the store looked so fab, what pair of jeans to wear with my new top. I find myself looking for someone who I could talk to regardless of how little she is-- who would understand in some little way what I was saying.

Too much testosterone around me can be exhausting. Maybe I just need to recharge.

Lessons Learned .... More To Be Learned

Regardless of how many parenting books one gets to read, the best lessons on parenting are learned when you become a parent yourself. Here are a few things I have learned over the years

1. It's OK for baby to cry - When I was a new parent, I felt guilty and scared whenever my baby would cry. Guilty that I may be doing something wrong and scared that something might be the matter. Check on the diaper, feed baby, make sure baby is burped -- check all possibilities that may be causing baby's restlessness. If all is ruled out, then maybe it's just a really bad day for baby. We have our bad days and so does baby! Try calming baby down by singing to him or cuddling him.

2. Our temperament affects baby's temperament -- Giving birth is not easy. Recovering after giving birth while caring for a newborn is harder. Hormones can still be all over the place thus affecting our moods. But remember, baby can feel the tension and can become uptight too. Try your best (though it may seem impossible, but still try) to relax and have more positive thoughts. Baby will be calmer and will have a more pleasant disposition.

3. Establishing a routine earlier on goes a long way - This works especially well for working moms. Since I was always "on the go" with all my 3 kids, I had to have a fixed bath time for them (before leaving for school and then later on work), fixed feeding schedule, fixed nap time and fixed going to bed time. This allowed me to finish more things because baby;s schedule was more or less predictable. Although a lot of adjusting had to be done in the beginning, eventually both baby and I learned to stick to the schedule!

4. Chicken broth for the sick IS NOT an old wives tale - I have to say, this is by far the best remedy when children -- even mommies-- are down with the colds or flu.

5. Apple cider vinegar for sore throat -- mix 1 teaspoon in a glass of lukewarm water. Drink. The next day, you'll forget you even had a sore throat.

6. Each child is different = different parenting styles - I found out that what you used to do with your first baby does not necessarily mean it'll work with your second or third. Each has a different temperament so you will just have to "experiment" and see what works best for them.

On His Future

Josh: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Josh: Know what? When I grow up I don't want to have a husband.

It's What's Within Me

There is something I am feeling rig
ht now which I can't quite seem to explain. I cannot find the right words to describe exactly how I am feeling. Whiny is the last thing I want to be but keeping it all bottled up inside may resort to disaster. What then is this?

Maybe I was made to believe that when I was growing up, all eyes were on me. Realistically speaking now, when I think about it, not everything is about me. I often feel its paranoia, maybe. And maybe, long ago, expectations were made too high leaving me with the feeling that I was just never good enough. That I may end up disappointing the majority. Maybe. I am speculating.

This brings me to a hodge podge of feelings. Frustration. Loneliness. Feelings of inadequacy. Anger.

I'm searching for a sense of security. I am striving to find my balance.

Why am I so concerned with what others have to think? Instead of concerning myself with whether I am happy or not?

Am I being selfish? Or inconsiderate?

Can't they just give me a break?!

Summer Heat

My Dad's Daughter

* I am reposting this as part of my way of remembering my Dad on his 5th year death anniversary.




I did want to let you know Lou that when I read your blog entries I am reminded so much of your dad. You write in a similar style and with lots of emotion. And he would especially like your blogging.
-

Apparently, my dear cousin made me cry just by what she said. She sent me an email and I found myself crying at 8 this morning. In the office. Good thing I was alone. Seriously. She said so many many other things that completely broke me - in a good way, that is. And yes, it does feel good to be broken. I think I really needed that.



And I pondered on that line, that I remind her of my Dad through my writing. It brought me to realize that indeed, I am my Dad's daughter. And I feel like writing about him, the relationship we shared, my growing up years with him. Bear with me. Do not read on if you wish.

He was a very passionate man. He loved what he did best - writing. Later on in his life, as he came full circle (shortly before he died) he went back to painting and rejoined his old college buddies and revived their art group Tahong Bundok . (Do check the link, I was pleasantly surprised when I googled it and saw this page. My Dad is the man on the far left with his hand on his hip). Anyway, yes he loved writing. Thinking deeper, aside from his love and passion for writing itself - he knew he was a good writer, but I'm feeling that deep down inside, he loved it also because he looked up to his dad (my Grandpa )very much and strived to be much like him. He worked very closely with my Grandpa when the Midland Courier was still theirs. Later on, my Dad set up the Cordillera Post which eventually closed in 1991. Growing up, I was used to the smell of the press - the ink, the paper. With the introduction of technology, my Dad chose to stay away from it and stuck to writing his articles using his reliable typewriter and would proof read and lay out the paper the old traditional way.

Dad always reminded me of what I could be - because I guess that's what he also did to remind himself of what he could do - and how good I could be with what I could do. He cared greatly for the people he loved and even for the people he did not know. I remember once he came home with no money left and he told me and my Mom that he gave it to this young boy who dropped by their art gallery but who was very poor but had great potential in painting. He loved his family. He was a good man.

I still hurt and wonder why he had to leave a bit too early. He was only 55. But again, as I think deeper, I am thankful for what he has left me. A big part of who I am is who he was - I think. We're both uptight people. Yes, especially in a crowd of strangers. Often times, I find it hard to relax and find some things funny at once. We both like things planned. Although lately I have been trying to be this spontaneous "let's go on a vacation in an hour" type, it is difficult. We find it difficult to adjust to abrupt / sudden changes. Obviously, we both love writing but I am not such a voracious reader as he was. We struggle with wanting to be the best, with pleasing other's yet still not losing ourselves in the quest to be so. And we both are very emotional people. We hurt and when we do we wallow in it. That's it, I got it from him. When there is something inside of us, there is a need to bring it out. But in this aspect, I guess I am able to do it a bit more easily.

With the things going in my life today or decisions made, I often find myself thinking and asking such like "Dad would have thought... Dad would have said... Dad would not have wanted..." I know it shouldn't always be that way, but probably for now that I am still in the very early stages of my life where I am completely trying to be an independent person, thoughts like that do help me.

This afternoon, I heard 2 excited boys and the sound of the typewriter keys. They found my Dad's typewriter in the storage room. It was a pleasant sight. A warm one in fact. And I was again reminded that my Dad will live through my boys as well.

I am still at a point where I am trying and wanting to define who I am, but nothing will change the fact that I am my Dad's daughter.

The Past Month

Exactly a month ago, I gave birth to my 3rd baby boy. 28 years ago, my parents got married. 5 years ago, my Dad had just 1 more day to live before succumbing to liver cirrhosis.

Quite an eventful day for me. a mix of emotions. Feelings of happiness and loneliness.

Imagine, in just 11 months, my youngest son will be turning 1. There are times when I wish he would grow up fast -- with more waking hours during the day, less diaper changes, "playtime," etc. But then I remind myself to savor and enjoy every minute of his babyhood because this will never happen again.

I'm glad I don't seem to have any symptoms of post partum blues. My emotions seem to be in place with just a few sobs and tears when bumps can't seem to be avoided along the way.

My 2 older boys seem to be loving their littlest brother more and more each day. Each with their own concerns about the baby -- my 7 year old always concerned about whether the baby is hungry while my 3 year old constantly checking on whether the baby needs a diaper change or not.

Sometimes though, feelings of inadequacy kick in. I find myself concerned about what other people might say or what other people might think about how I am as a mother. And these thoughts affect me.

Done With One, 3 More To Go

Excerpts from my "parents response speech"

"...4 years ago, we watched our children, then only 3 years old, enter the school gates of Small World. I'm sure most of you co-parents will agree when I say that on their first day of school, our hearts silently broke..."

"...As parents, I believe we share the same mix of emotions today. We are proud about how far we've come along with raising our pre-schoolers but at the same time we are saddened too for today stands as yet another reminder that our children grow up way too fast..."

"...Congratulations too co- parents. From bottles and diapers to school uniforms and homework. We too graduate to greater parenting challenges..."

"...Teachers, thank you. We slowly learned to entrust our children to you. Thank you for being patient with them, thank you for caring for them, thank you for being a part of their lives..."

A Few Concerns Of A 7 Year Old

1. When can I start using that thing? That thing you and dad use? The deodorant thing?

2. When can my friends sleep here at home?

3. When can I go to school alone?

4. If I have a sister, can I marry her?

Of This I'm Sure

He's not too sure about what to make of his baby brother...






But one thing is for sure, he adores him.

Slowly. Eventually. Maybe. Hoepfully.

What are you faced with when you become a first time mother? There's the whole 9 month waiting game and then the whole birthing process. After which comes the nursing, soiled diapers, burping and 3AM crying issues. Mashed foods comes next. Crawling and walking shortly follows.

After their 1st birthday, it slows down a little. And then the toddler years enter. Personality and character soon enters the picture. Suddenly, we have to take disciplining very seriously. Before you know it, you're bringing them to school to start nursery.

And just when we think the worst has passed, we are faced with yet another hurdle-- gradeschool.

In 4 weeks, I will be sending off my 7 year old son to 1st grade. 8 years ago, he was a tiny bean in my tummy. I thought 3 hours of school each day was long enough, soon he will be gone for 6 hours each day. That's double the worry I will have to face.

Milestones like these exist to remind me once again that I can never keep my children to myself forever. Much as I would want to just have them with me, beside me forever, that will never happen. One day, they will find their own lives, their own interests, their own life partners. And slowly, I will have to happily let them go. To find their niche in this world.

I feel his hand slowly loosening its grip on my hand. I'm finding it hard to loosen mine.

Thoughts on Breastfeeding.

As I said in my last post, I have been obsessed about breastfeeding. What's there not to love about it? Actually, there is a lot.

First of all, it is very uncomfortable at first. Secondly, it can make your nipples extremely sore. The baby who is breastfed requires more frequent feedings that those on formula. You can never leave baby for long hours. It can be exhausting.

And that's precisely why I only breastfed my eldest for 2 1/2 months.

But when I had my 2nd, I felt determined to try breastfeeding longer.

Breastfeeding is a choice. Especially for women living in countries where infant formula milk is very accessible. Unless you live in a remote jungle somewhere in the Amazon, we can get formula milk in all groceries. I also feel, that one has to be ready physically and emotionally before deciding whether or not to breastfeed. If one feels she is not 100% sure about breastfeeding baby, it's not really going to work. Why? Refer to 2nd paragraph.

So what's there not to love about breastfeeding? First of all, think of all the benefits that baby can get from it. There's the stronger immune system, less digestive problems and the comfort that baby can get. Second, it is the best and easiest way for new mommies to lose weight. Third, it is was cheaper than spending on formula milk.

It works for some and it doesn't for others. But then again, it is a choice.

During the first 3 days postpartum, I hardly had any milk supply. I felt so tired and frustrated. I didn't feel good physically. I felt sick. And I was so tempted to send the husband to the nearest drugstore to get a can of infant formula.

I am happy I didn't. I had to remind myself a million times not to give up.

When there isn't enough milk, you can always take supplements. Prepare soup every meal -- preferably broth with lots of ginger. Drink a lot -- be it water, juice or milk. Eat healthy. And think positive. And again, think of the benefits it will have on your baby.

This And That

No new photos yet. Just a random rundown of updates.
--
It's been, let's see, 15 days since I gave birth. So far, the little one has been doing really good by giving me enough sleep at night. He eats, burps, poops and sleeps. No big fuss during the night. I have been breastfeeding (and loving it) and have been pumping and storing milk in the freezer. I think I am obsessed about this whole breastfeeding thing! Well, during the 1st 3 days, I had so little milk. The little one would demand to be fed every 30 minutes and I felt like completely giving up breastfeeding. BUT just thinking about the benefits the little one would get reminded me to just "keep going." So I did. And now I think I have to much milk.

I've lost a total of 14lbs so far. Of course I am ecstatic!

My 7 year old graduated from pre school today. More on that also later.
--

How have all of you been?

How It All Happened

I went for my last pre natal check up on the 4th. My OB gave me instructions about when to go to the hospital, what to expect when I get to the hospital, etc. At this point, I was freaking out - again. Even after 3 CS deliveries, I tell you, the fear of giving birth DOES NOT go away. Questions like "what if I don't wake up after the operation," "what if something is wrong with the baby," "what if I become paralyzed" were making me all dizzy.

I tried to sleep that night.

The next day, I did some very last minute errands and then my husband and I trooped to the hospital around 4 in the afternoon. I went straight to the OB department and went through their standard SOP procedures. The medical resident who was attending to me kept looking at me and then she finally said that I looked so familiar. And then a light bulb lit up "I also took care of you 2 years ago!" Haha. She was in her 2nd year of residency when I gave birth in 2006 and now she is finishing her 4th and last year. I sort of felt good knowing that I was in good hands.

Half way through, the medical resident said that my OB called and gave her instructions to do an I.E. (internal exam). I hate I.E.'s!! So I asked why it was necessary given that I was going to be operated on the next day anyway. Anyway, after a few attempts of persuading them not to follow my OB's instructions, I had to be an obedient patient and do what they asked me to do. It turns out that I was already 2cm dilated and 40% effaced. That was so funny for me. At that point, I sort of hoped I would go into labor so that the labor pains would help distract me from the whole CS paranoia.

They monitored me through the night because I was also having contractions already. But to my dismay, labor did not arrive.

So, at 6 the next day, I took a shower -- feeling totally nervous already-- and tried to prep myself. They picked me up from my room at 7 and wheeled me to the OR to prepare me. Oh my gosh let me just say, I thought I was going to die! Die of fear. The nurses and interns in their scrubs, the smell of the antiseptic, the white walls and the cold, cold feel of the operating room was perfect for my cardiac arrest! Everyone who asked me how I was doing got the same response from me "I'm not Ok. I'm scared." That was exactly how I was in 2006 during my 2nd delivery. Of course when I look back at the experience now, I can't help but laugh!

Anyway, one by one, my doctors started to arrive. The anesthesiologist came first. She's a bit ripe n age already but is the sweetest lady ever. She asked me how I was doing - and she got the same answer-- and she said "Don't be scared, I'm going to take care of you. I took care of you during you're 1st and 2nd CS operations and I'm going to do the same now." Then my OB came. She knows me all too well. Without saying anything to her, she squeezed my hand and said "you're so tense again. Relax." And then she prayed for me. Then the pediatrician came. All bubbly and excited.

Then in an instant, they were asking me to go into fetal position already. Oh my gosh I thought I was really really going to pass out. My OB held my hand and then told me not to move because the needle was in already. Oh my gosh! And then it happened so fast. I could feel my feet numbing already so the nurses had to help me get back to the flat lying position. And then the anesthesiologist started testing up to where the anesthesia already reached. Before I knew it they were all around my stomach area already. One anesthesiology intern (who was very kind enough to hold my hand through out the whole thing) kept me updated about what was going on. And then she said "Ok, they're already in."

There were so many voices and so many people talking I was so dizzy. "Ok last layer," "There's your baby's head now," "Oh my there's a lot of hair!" "We're going to have to push him out a little," "You're going to feel some pressure'" "Oh he's a lot bigger than we expected." But this is what really got me, my OB said "He's a girl." My world stopped for a moment there. The first thought that came to my mind was "NO that can't be. I'm having a boy." And then she says "Kidding." And then we all laughed.

"There he is!" everyone said.

Then I heard his cry. And then I passed out.

He's Here!

Euan Arrow. March 6, 2009. 3.28kg. 50cm.

Almost There

It's been a month - or more than a month- since I last posted! Many reasons.

I will be giving birth in 5 days, can you believe it? Aside from being busy preparing the baby things I will be needing, I have been busier trying to prepare the 2 boys and myself for the coming of yet another baby boy. I have mixed feelings again right now. Excited but also scared. Scared of the whole operation, about the whole adjustment period and the added responsibility of bringing another human into this world.

Please pray for me and the baby.

Will post pictures as soon as.

Today Felt Warm

Because I inherited the house of my Dad which he built for my Mom -- for which I am ever so grateful -- I also inherited everything in it. Given that both my parents "went" abruptly and in a span of just 1 1/2 years, there were and still are so many of their things in the house.

When Dad died, Mom and I sort of just left his things the way they were. It was probably our way of coping. His favorite jacket swung over on his chair, his typewriter on the table with an unfinished article. It probably took us a year to finally move those things. Most of his clothes were packed but never really given away. When my Mom died 18 months later, I decided to do the same. In fact, I only got to really sort through her things last year.

Part of my not wanting to touch their things involved the feeling of guilt. I felt that giving away their things meant me forgetting them and removing them from the memories of our home.

Slowly, I realized that I had would have to face the inevitable. With a growing family, I would need more and more space in the house for newer things. I started clearing things out this year, muttering under my breath as if talking to Mom and Dad that this was in no way a sign that I was trying to get rid of memories of them. I was filled with peace.

Today I decided to continue cleaning up. I stumbled across a wooden box. I opened it and saw that they were a bunch of letters of my Mom to my Dad. So I read them, knowing fully that I would end up crying. Just seeing the handwriting of my Mom made me feel so close to her. It was such a familiar feeling seeing her strokes.

Time changes people. Circumstance as well. I may have changed everything between them when I came into this world. They were letters written when they weren't married yet. And they were so full of love and passion -- something I never quite imagined existed when they were both still alive.

I got to know them a little bit more again. And that craving to be with them intensified all the more.

Little by little I will explore more corners of our house and discover more and more things that made it a home over the years.

With tears shed over memories stumbled upon, a heart is made warm.

Ya - Hoo - Oooh!!

I have been dying to blog about this since last week but I was just so scared that I would jinx the whole thing by talking about it too soon. That always happens to me. Anyway. I have HUGE news. I think my 2 year 8 month old IS potty trained. (Choir of angels singing in the background).

Its been a week since the whole "drama" that ensued last Saturday morning -- with my little one complaining of an "ouch diaper." So far, he has been able to pee and poop in the bathroom. I am crossing my fingers that he will never look back and want to go back to wearing his nappies!!!!

Indeed this is a milestone but also a reminder that my baby is slowly becoming a big boy.

Goodbye size XL nappies!

Hello New Born nappies.

A HUGE Decision

This may be a controversial post to some. For me, I just need your thoughts on it.

In 6 weeks, I will be delivering our 3rd baby. And I have to decide whether this will be my last one. Whether I will decide to permanently say goodbye to the chances of having another baby again.

There are many many things going through my mind right now. I have had sleepless nights just thinking about it. I have been open about my use of contraceptives -- pills and shots. But now I have to decide whether or not I go for a ligation already or not. My husband is 90% sure that I should go for it.

Why go for it?

The first thing that comes to my mind is for health reasons.Well for beginners, this is technically my 4th pregnancy. I had a miscarriage before I had my now 7 year old. And this will be my 3rd C-section. Aside from this, I also am tired physically and emotionally. Raising children is not easy. From the time they are born to the time they become adults ready to face the world on their own. We once had a discussion with my husband where we agreed that the financial obligations of raising a child is a given - no matter how difficult times may get. But the harder part is raising them well to become good men, to see them well into their adult lives knowing that when the time comes to "let them go," you will be able to do so with all confidence. I also feel that I want to be able to completely focus on them. For me (it may not be the same with other moms out there), I can get so caught up and distracted with 2 children more so when the little one comes what more if I add more to the brood?

Why not go for it?

Because I am still pretty young - 26. There are so many what if's as well. What if I will want another one in 5 years? A child is always a blessing no matter what. There are so many other people out there who want to have children but for some reason can't and here I am considering permanently shutting my door to the possibility of being blessed to take care of another baby.

Why not go for other methods?

Because I don't like its effect on me. Playing with my hormones does not seem to agree with me physically. I bloat. I retain water. I get headaches. I don't feel well while on it. Plus I want to be realistic meaning using the "all natural way." In that area, I may say we may not yet be that disciplined.

I'm torn.

We All Want Happy endings

We brought the kids to watch Bedtime Stories. As usual, Adam Sandler was great. I laughed a lot and the kids generally enjoyed the whole movie. I did for a moment there wish that that could happen in real life. Tell a story to the children before they go to bed and hope that that story would come true the next day. Tell a story about whatever your heart desires -- your innermost desires, your hopes and your wishes, your dreams.

Adam Sandler (while talking to his niece and nephew) said something like, "There are no happy endings in real life. The sooner you learn about that, the better."

Point taken, fact proven. Life is harsh.

And we try to protect our children from getting hurt -- physically, emotionally. Up to what point should we protect them?

I try to show my children painful reality. Children begging on the street, why there are vagrants, children abandoned in the orphanage. I tell them that times are hard now -- cut down on eating out, less buying of toys, settling for more affordable brands. Focusing on needs and lessening our wants. Being content with what we have. But I know that life, for them, is still comfortable.

Sometimes I feel that one will never know how difficult life is without experiencing it directly. How can you feel what a beggar feels unless you yourself have to beg? How can one feel what it feels like not to have anything to eat unless you really don't have anything to eat.

It is hard. But that's what reality is.

I wish not for my children to have to go through such. But I also hope that young as they are, they will be able to empathize with those who are not as blessed as they are. I don't want them to live a life forever wearing pink colored glasses.

What A Way To Start The Year

I have a co-worker who was 2 months pregnant ahead of me. Her due date was supposed to be on Monday. Well she went into labor today. But her baby girl died. According to her boss who told me what happened, the umbilical cord of the baby was wrapped around the baby's neck. They didn't do a c-section (I don't know exactly why) so when she was able to bring out the baby, the baby was already dead. It was her first baby.

So sad. So tragic. Paranoia fills me. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I'm going to say when I get to see her. I don't know how I'm going to act.

Is the doctor to blame? Was it fate? I don't know what to think of it. What to think of things like these. Why do they have to happen?

I pray she will get through this.

Happy Birthday Ma

Ma,

Today you would have turned 61 and I'm sure you would have celebrated it. If Dad were around, he would have joked you about your being older than him again.

I've realized how much I miss you and need you. I find myself yearning to call on you -- to say the word Ma. Now that I have transitioned into a young woman, I often feel that I have so much to ask a mother. From the dishes you used to cook to the people you used to know to advise on how I should handle my marriage. I still have your cellphone number stored in my phone and sometimes I still dial your number knowing fully the voice I will hear on the other end -- "The number you dialed is incorrect."

Now that I have in a small way established myself in this world, I can't help but want so much for you to be around. I want to give back to you all you have done.

3 years. But it still seems like yesterday when everything was OK. I no longer blame the cancer. I've learned to release the anger I felt when the chemo didn't completely cure the cancer. But cancer still pains me and sometimes when I think about it, I get scared. Dreading to ever get it myself.

I am consoled knowing that in heaven there is no cancer, in heaven there are no tears.

I love you Ma.

Happy Birthday!

Welcoming In The New Yaer

Today marks the last day of a wonderful 2 week vacation. Tomorrow I go back to reality. Back to work. Back to waking up early. Back to hectic mornings and drained out evenings.

Last week, we said goodbye to our relatives who flew back to the States and Canada. I felt a huge lump in the my throat. I hate goodbyes. They just appeal to me as events which are very sad.

2008 was the year that was. 2009 is the year that will be. In spite of the many economic problems the world faces now, coupled with so many other implications that accompany it, I still want to look forward to this year with a heart full of hope and faith that things should get better

This year will be a big year for us. My eldest will be graduating from pre school come this March and as he moves on the Grade 1 we will have to decide whether or not to keep him in his old school or move him out to a new one. My 2nd turns 3 in May and also, we will have to decide whether or not to put him in pre school already or wait another year. Come March we will also be welcoming another new member of the family.

My head starts to spin thinking of all the events this year will bring. But at the same time, I would want to believe that is is going to be a great year.

How do you see this year coming along?

New Year, New Reads

**Edited: Sorry for the backwards pictures. I held the books up using Photobooth because I was too lazy tp take pictures of them with my camera and then upload them.
--
There are 3 books I have to make sure I read this coming new year. Essentials-- I may say to survive the year ahead.

1. Bringing Up BoysFor the simple reason that I have 3 boys.

2. The Dangerous Book For Boys
I remember stories of my Dad about his childhood. Of tadpoles and crickets. Of scars and bruises. Fond memories of his boyscout days. I wish I paid more attention. I wish I knew better. But who would have known? I was a girl. My interests revolved around paper dolls and cooking sets.
Now there's no one to ask.
This book will help me get through.


3. A Year In High Heels Because in spite of the fact that our home is filled with testosterone, nothing will change the fact that I am a still a girl.

I Just Can't Get Enough

There's just something magical about this island for me. The white sand, the clear, calm waters and the blue skies make me feel like I'm in paradise. The sun burns. The water cools. I just can't get enough of it.

He Would Have Been 60.

Happy 60th Dad.
I miss you so much.
Each day I still wish you were still alive -- still with us to celebrate life.
It pains me to know that my sons will never grow up with a Grandpa.

I Love You.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas, for most of us is a time when families get together. Eat. And enjoy the merrymaking. It for me, is made more special when relatives come home for the holidays and are able to spend quality time together. It warms our hearts.

Plus I get 2 weeks off from work. Heaven!

Merry Christmas everyone! How was yours?

How I Really Feel

When I am pregnant I am moody, needy, clingy, unpredictable, emotional. And the person who has to bear most of my bad side is my husband. Of course because I expect him to understand what I'm going through. Some may say its psychological or all in the mind. I don't know. But sometimes, he just doesn't get it. And when he doesn't, I get all sensitive about it and would rather pout in one corner and sulk. Ok, you may add immature, childish and selfish to the list.

But seriously? That's what I hate about being pregnant. I'm just so full of insecurities inside. I find myself not being able to do things on my own anymore. Like a handicapped person, I can't move without someone beside me. And I prefer that someone to be my husband.

A bunch of emotions surges all over me and often times I don't know what to do with the feeling. I prefer not to tell anyone about how I feel out of sheer fear that they would tell me that I'm being unreasonable. And the feelings bottled up inside just make me feel like I want to explode anytime.

I'm glad I just have 87 days to go. Still a long time but I know we'll get there.

Is it just me? Am I the problem?

I'd Rather Have This Conversation 10 Years From Now

At the dinner table

Josh: I have a crush

SILENCE

Me: Really? Who is she?

Josh: Uhm...Her name is Yuwi.

Me: What's her real name? Or complete name? Is it just Yuwi?

Josh: I don't know her complete name.

Me: Is she you friend? Why don't you ask her tomorrow.

Josh: I can't and she's not my friend.

Me: Why not?

Josh: Us boys don't talk to the girls.

Me: Why?

Josh: Because.

Me: Is she a nice girl?

Josh: She's adorable mom.

GEEEEEEZ.

I'm Marking Each Day with an X

It has been, for the past 3 years-- and if I may start calling it, a family tradition (my Dad's side of the family) to have an out of town vacation when relatives from abroad come home for the holidays. My uncle and cousin flew in from Canada a week ago. In 5 days, my other cousin from Oregon is arriving and in a week, my Aunt and 2 of my cousins will be arriving from Canada as well.

I love family time. And I love it even more when a lot of them can make it home. Partly because without having any siblings (and now, parents), it sure can get so damn lonely.

So in 6 days 3 Aunts, 1 Uncle, 5 cousins, 2 sons and a husband are heading off to the beach for some great family time.

Like a child who has been promised her dream toy for Christmas, I can't wait for Friday to come when I get to shut down my computer at work, lock my cabinets and bid my officemates a 5 day farewell to go give myself a well deserved break.

'Tis The Season

The cool breeze....The Christmas songs...

The word SALE posted on almost every store window...
Christmas sure is in the air!

And I love it!

When Hearts Silently Break

Last week, my pre schooler brought a donut to school for his snack. When I got home, our househelp / nanny informed me that she found that my son only finished half of his donut. I wondered why. My son loves that particular kind of donut. So I asked him. He said:

"Jacob saw my donut, got it from me while I was eating it and then licked it and then returned it to me."

Seriously? I wanted to smack the kid. That Jacob. How dare him.

I asked my son why Jacob did that and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he did anything to Jacob and he said he didn't do anything. I asked him what he did after Jacob did that and he said he just kept what was left of his snack. I asked him if he told his teacher about it and he said he didn't.

So I wrote my son's teacher quite a lengthy letter.

What do you do when your child is bullied?

I had to explain to my son that he should never allow people to treat him that way. Be nice to others but defend yourself when you need to. I will not be there to always protect him. The day will come when he will have to fend for himself -- he will have to face the harsh realities of this world on his own. And it breaks my heart -- it always does.

Anyway, the teacher apologized, informed me that she informed Jacob's parents, etc.

I understand that its something we as parents can never control. we can't always shield our children, I know that. But you know, when our children get hurt, silently our hearts break.

Can You Tell Me How To Get To...

Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy

If anybody can give me directions going to such a place, please feel free to leave me a comment.

My New Job

I never really had a problem leaving my 2 1/2 year old son when he was a baby and I had to leave for work. I figured he was a bit more secure so when I would have to turn him over to the nanny when it was time for me to leave for work, he would barely fuss. I'd kiss him and hug him and would tell him I'd be back. No issues.

Until 2 weeks ago when he probably decided it was time to make an issue out of it. While leaving for work one day, he looked at me with his puppy dog eyes while making sure his smile showed his deep dimples and said "Mom? I go with you?" I explained he had to stay, just like he always did. I told him I'd be back. "No Mom, I go with you." I explained again. "No Mom. I GO WITH YOU." (His tone of voice slightly changing). So I embraced him and told him how exciting his day was going to be -- play in the garden, bike out front, eat cookies. "I go with you Mom." I knew a tantrum was coming. I was running late. Everything started to get messy.

So I did the unforgivable.

I lied. Aarghh.

"Mom's going to the office to get rid of all the big cockroach! Do you want to come with me?"

His eyes grew wide and suddenly he was so concerned about my safety. He gets terrified when he hears the word cockroach or sees a cockroach. "Mom go whip cockooch?"

So now, everytime I come home from work I have a 2 1/2 year old little boy who runs to greet me at the door ever so thankful that nothing happened to his mom while at work while killing the cockroach. "Mommy!! No more cockooch?" "Yey Mom!!"

Now I'm a hero. The incredible cockroach killer. That's what I do now for a living.

Look Away. Its A Pregnancy Update.

So I went for my 23rd week OB check up. So far I have gained 2kg. It's pretty bad but my OB said the baby is growing bigger and bigger and seems healthy. I'm thinking that I probably am losing the weight but its going to the baby. I lost a total of 2kgs during my 1st trisem and then sort of didn't gain the past month. This is the smallest weight gain I have had compared to my past 2 pregnancies with my 6 year old and 2 year old. I'm not really worried because I still look huge and my belly is getting bigger by the day.

I have a low lying placenta and the baby seems to be in breech position. Good thing I'm really going to deliver via CS.

I have chosen a delivery date which will be March 3rd. I found the 03-06-09 thing nice.

As for the name, we're still thinking about it. I can't believe I have just 3 more months left.