Low

I have had 10 helpers in 18 months and I don't think that it is doing me or my kids any good. It has traumatized me and my children but I have no choice but to keep getting helpers because I do not have anyone who can take care of my children permanently while I am at work. It is very stressful because it drives me to the point where sometimes anger wells up in me asking why I can't have my Mom or Dad anymore.
I think that I have been trying to deny my feelings of late to pretend that I am ok. I miss my Mom terribly. Even if it has been 6 years, I can't say that the intensity of the feelings have improved in any way. Circumstances like these even make it worse and harder for me to try to move on from the feelings of grief. I don't like it because it hampers my everyday outlook on life. It brings about feelings of desperation and hopelessness. I find myself thinking of "if only" thoughts all the time.
I feel so sorry for my kids. I feel sorry for them because they don't have anyone permanent in their life - except for me and their Dad of course but seeing a new face every other month just makes them wonder what the heck is wrong with them that no one ever stays for good to look after them while both the husband and I are at work. I feel the saddest for my youngest because he has been under the watch of too many caregivers and he is only 2 and a half years old. My eldest grew up with my parents around, my second had a nanny who stayed around until he was 4 years old.
I'm feeling really low right now.

Sugar High

Trick or Treat!!!

My 5 Year Old

Me: Baby, come here pls. Baby! come here, baby.
(calling my 5 year old)

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms!

Me: Well, you are my baby. Come here baby.

Dash: I'm not a baby Moms! I'm a lad.

Me: What?! Lad?! Do you know what a lad is?

Dash: Yes. A small boy.

Me: Uhh ok. Come here then, lad.

Dash: Coming lass!

Me: (Thinking, seriously?!?)

Me: Lass? Am I a lass?

Dash: Yes, you're a small girl.

Me: Small girl? I'm a small girl?

Dash: Yes, you're much smaller than Dad.

Thanks kid. I mean, thanks lad.

Really.

Part Time writing

I have been wanting to write articles as a part time job, does anyone have any idea how to get started? I tried searching for writing opportunities through craigslist.com and saw a few postings where I could possibly apply. So I sent an email to the indicated links but have not heard from them. I wonder if this means I am not qualified? I also sent my resume to another email ad. I was asked how much my rate is and when I did reply, they never got back to me.
Any more ideas, anyone? Need to earn extra income.

Nipping It At The Bud

I went to see a child therapist today. It all started with my desire to have my kids assessed in terms of their intellectual and cognitive skills mainly for my 5 year old because at 5 years old and in his last year of pre school, his teachers say that he is ready for 1st grade. In our country, one must be at least 6 1/2 years old when the child enters 1st grade. Dash turns 6 in May and if we do decide to put him in 1st grade by June of next year, will only be 6 and a few days old when he starts grade school. My questions are, is he really ready - intellectually and emotionally?
Since I have a friend who is a child therapist and works at a center for childrens needs, I asked her opinion and she was very supportive and thought it would be a good idea for me to have the boys assessed. In the first place, they do not allow mere assessment (testing). The kids will also have to go through play sessions to evoke a more wholistic picture of the child to the therapist.
As the session went on, I talked about my 3 boys giving detailed descriptions of each of them. As the session went on, the therapists perception of the picture I painted in her mind was that Josh, my eldest, is the one who needs the assessment the most.
Josh is a boy who has seen a lot. He was born to me when I was a teenager and when I had him, I didn't exactly mature overnight. I had no idea what I was doing as a mother back then. I was torn between the fact that I needed to be a mother but I also still wanted to do things that teenagers did. When Josh was only 2, he witnessed 3 deaths in the family - my mom, my dad and my husbands dad - all of whom were very close to him. After my parents death, times were tough. I was also 6weeks pregnant with my second My husband was also having a hard time coping with his dads death. I often turned to Josh and poured out my heart to my then 3 year old son. I remember he would sit beside me and listen to me cry while stroking my hair. After that, things happened so fast, I had my 2nd child and then my 3rd. Josh was in a way, required to grow up too soon.
Toady, I have a very kind 9 year old but often times I notice that he worries too much and can get anxious easily especially when he finds himself in uncertain situations. He sometimes lacks confidence in the things he does as he is often overshadowed by the assertiveness of Dash.
This is all preemptive I think. Plus I would also want to hear it from someone else -- whatever there is to be said. So we start in 2 weeks - meaning Josh will be going for his first session with the therapist.
We'll see where this will take us. Somewhere, I know.

Getting Started. Back to Business.

With the husband away for the past 3 weeks for training with his new job (yey! more on that later), we were able to spend 5 days together for a short vacation. He noticed how whiny and (possibly) bratty our 2 year old was everytime he was around me. It irritated the heck out of Jet everytime Arrow would want to get what he wants and it irritated him more when I would (in Jet's opinion) give in to Arrows wants.
It did irk me though when Jet would always, always try to drive home his opinion that, "Arrow has me tied around his finger." Point taken, whining is extremely annoying and can drain the strength out of me or anyone for that matter. Many times I would also want to snap at Arrow but there was one thing that always held me back.
With my eldest, he was surrounded by grandparents (both my parents and my husbands dad) who made him his world. I was 19 and still a student when I had my eldest and so my parents and my father in law gave us so much support when it came to raising Josh. This even meant my son preferring to sleep with my Mom over sleeping beside me. He was extremely loved.
My 2nd son, Dash grew up with Reyma, his nanny who loved him very much. She practically raised him since birth up until he was 4 years old. I returned back to work when Dash was only 8 weeks old and I would leave him most of the day with the nanny. Dash loved her very much also and he found comfort in her.
With my youngest, all he has is me - which is how things should really actually be. And maybe, for whatever reason, I want to be a better mother this time and be who I wasn't able to be to my 2 sons when they were also Arrow's age. Arrow no longer has his Lola or Lolo or Grampa or Reyma to run to but he has me and I want to him to always feel that until he is much older. Maybe I am filled with guilt which is why I am trying to make up for all of those feelings now. Maybe. I am still trying to sort through my feelings about this. Bottom line is, I just want Arrow to know that no matter what, there will be someone who will forever defend him, understand him and most of all, love him unconditionally.

OMG. It's September already.

I'm back. I hope. I can't believe where the whole of August went. The "ber" months are here and soon Christmas will be just around the corner. Last weekend a typhoon passed out city leaving so much damage and the rains had been pouring since then. The sun only decided to come out today.

Many things have been happening. For one, the husband has been applying for a job and we are praying that he does get this one he has been called back for for a final interview. I am the more anxious one I think. Three kids is a lot of financial responsibility. And deny it or not, one working parents salary will never be enough.

Anyway, everything else has been the same old. With the 2 older kids going to school and the littlelest one growing to be a fine young little boy.

How have you been?

My Growing Boy

He has one heck of an appetite. This 9 year old of mine can't get enough of anything!! He munched down a Bully Boy Burger - three beef patties in between 2 burger buns.

The New Pet

The kids have a pet. Note how I am trying my best not to include myself in the ownership of the new pet. It's a dog. The cousin of my Aunt gave it to her and since we have a very domineering grown dog owned by my Aunts who live downstairs, my Aunt decided that it would be best if the puppy stayed upstairs with us since we have a gate that will separate it from the big domineering dog named Bugs.

(Don't we just love kids fashion???)

My kids love him. We they have not yet come up with an official name for it yet. I love it that my kids love the new member of the family. My only apprehension is the attachment it will cause. It is inevitable and I am dreading it.

A TV channel once featured "The best jobs in the world" which mainly focused on jobs in the US. Jobs like that of eBay where employees are actually encouraged to buy stuff from eBay. If you were a shopper like me, I'm sure you'd want that job too! Another job was at some sport equipment manufacturer where employees had to be out of the office at least half of the day trying out their various products from surf boards to bicycles. For a sports enthusiast, I am sure one would die for this job.

My dream job would be something that would have to do with travel. Maybe a host of a travel show or a professional blogger who writes about the many wonders of the world. Traveling is such a rich experience regardless of age. Exposure to other cultures allows us to appreciate so many things - things we do not have and things we already have. It becomes an experience like no other where we get to absorb the many wonders the world has to offer which we usually fail to see because of the busy, busy worlds we allow ourselves to get absorbed in.

I'd write about the beauty of the city where I live, how it was named as the Summer Capital of the Philippines by the Americans in the 1940's when life in the country's capital of Manila became too hot thus pushing the Americans to look for a cooler place to hold National Assemblies, etc. It is a small city with old timers who comfortably live a slow paced life. In the years that have past, Baguio City has developed into its own identity. One may say it has lost the old, rustic small city life with the entrance of big malls, franchised restaurants and I would have to agree that in a way Baguio is not the old Baguio anymore. But there are still places in Baguio that one can still go to to enjoy Baguio as it has. Good food is what Baguio can also boast about especially if you know where to go.

Chocolate cake and Chicken and Chips at Honey in The Rock.

Restaurants that offer good food in Baguio are usually owned by families who have been in the business for generations. Years ago when life was simpler, these restaurants were places families would go to when there would be special occasions like a birthday or if someone graduated. Now a days, eating out has become nothing but normal. Other good places to go to for food would be Omai Khan, Rosebowl, Forest House or Mario's. 

 Food at Forest House

The Philippines has also so much more to offer especially the beaches since we are surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and the China Sea. Just an hour away from Baguio is the province of La Union which has  black sand beaches. When we want to escape reality on a rather low budget and with just 2 days to spend, we head of to the beaches of La Union. 

Heading Home

We are heading home today! Jet's IV has been removed and we are waiting for the discharge orders from the doctor. He is in a cast already and will have it on for the next 3 weeks. He will have to go for rehab after his cast has been removed. Bad news is, he will have to be operated on again after 3 months to remove the screws! Boo.
Thank you all for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Where We Are

We're still at the hospital. Jet's surgery lasted for about 3 hours and stayed i the recovery room for about an hour and half. Regardless of what the case is, to have a loved on in the hospital can be very stressful. The emotions one feels can become very overwhelming. For me, it also brings back a whole lot of memories of Mom and Dad and their days spent in the hospital.

Anyway, so far, Jet has been recovering pretty well although he is still in pain. We also learned from the doctor that Jet will need to be operated on after about 3 months to remove the screws - which upon finding out turned Jet's mood very sour. 

Hopefully we get to go home by tomorrow. Crossing fingers!!

Off We Go

We're off to the hospital today and will be staying there for at least 4 days. Eeeep. This is Jet's first time in his 30 years of life to be hospitalized so he is totally freaked out. I really pray his surgery goes well, there will be no complications and he will recover fast. Am I asking for too much??

In the meantime, here are some photos of the littlelest guy when we went to do some errands last weekend

Of Things That Happened

We came from the doctor yesterday - to have Dash's wound cleaned and to talk to Jet's ortho sugeon.

Dash's wound is healing very well although his pedia still wants it covered so as to avoid any bacterial infection. He hardly feels any pain now so I think he will be OK.

On to the more serious matter. We got to talk to Jet's ortho surgeon who has decided to operate on him Wednesday morning. He will be doing 3 procedures - and I do not really remember the medical terms - but he will basically be doing an elbow reconstruction. I asked the doctor how bad it was and the doctor said, "very." Sheesh. The radial head of his elbow was shattered but the doctor will never really know the extent of the damage until he opens it up. If the radial head was damaged by only about 30%, then it will not require anything major but if more than that was damaged then the surgeon will have to use a couple of titanium screws to put things in place. Jet will have to stay in the hospital for about 3-4 days, will be in a cast for 4-6 weeks and will need rehab for about 3 months.

Meanwhile, I didn't get that job I was applying for at the other company and I didn't get the promoted at work this year.

Set backs aside, everything else is OK.

Happy Sunday everyone.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

On Monday morning, we rushed my 5 year old son to the ER. He accidentally spilled his very hot soup on his right thigh. He was very brave and didn't cry. The doctors cleaned his wounds and wrapped it in a bandage. He was a trooper. He is ok now and will be brought for follow up check up tomorrow.

Tuesday was my birthday.

On Wednesday, my husband and 9 year old son went to play basketball. A little before 5PM, my husband called and said he was on his way to the ER again! I left work and rushed to the hospital. Unfortunately, my husband suffered a bad fall. Upon confirmation from the doctors, based on the x-ray results, he suffered an elbow fracture. It is swelling until now so right now he is just in a semi cast. By tomorrow, we will know if and when he will be operated on since the radial plate of his elbow was shattered.

Its Essence

Today officially marks the end of the first half of the year. Whenever I have my own quiet time, I always find myself thinking of how I have been spending my time. I think I give a lot of importance to how one's time is spent. When I was younger - carefree and self centered, I could sit around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing, thinking of nothing. My goodness, I cannot go back to those days and imagine how much time was wasted on absolutely nothingness (if there is such a word)!

Soon, Christmas songs will fill the air. My kids will soon turn a year older again. The rainy season will end and we will welcome summer into our lives again. We will welcome a new year again.

Time goes by. Our lives go by. I want to make it worth looking back on.

Tid Bits

Words that come out of my mouth most of the time when at home:

NO!

STOP!

ENOUGH!

Talk about being more positive!!!

-

I just realized that I have a fascination for names that start with the letter "D." I was watching a show and the name of the baby was Daxton. I loved the name. I initially wanted to name my second son Dathan - but I realized that Dathan in the Bible was swallowed up by the earth. I believe in the importance of a name. So I decided not to name him that. I still gave him a name that starts with the letter D.  I also always liked the name Dustin as in Dustin Hoffman.

-

I can't help but wonder why after more than a month of jogging, I haven't lost weight! How many minutes and how many heart beats per minute must I maintain in order to say that my workout was "successful?" On the other hand, I must also control my food consumption!! Argghh.

-

I am starting to seriously potty train my toddler. He is now 2 years and 4 months old and I feel he is ready. He is the youngest one among my 3 boys who started potty training. My eldest took the longest to train at 3 years and 4 months! Getting rid of diapers will cut down a lot on my monthly budget. So, wish me all the luck!

Eastern Parenting : How It Was For Me

I would love to read this. Why? Because I can relate to it although I cannot say that I have had the same exact experience as the daughters of the author but in a way, I was raised in a family where we were never to settle for nothing but excellent.

Perfection is something not foreign to me. It was my goal for many years when I was much younger. Although my dad was careful enough to stay away from directly telling me that he wanted nothing but perfection, I could read in between the lines. The way he would make me repeat things if he didn't seem pleased with the way it was done, to his facial expressions that painted disappointment when I would present him with my scores of schoolwork / homework that weren't perfect or his rhetorical dispositions when he would be intoxicated where his tongue loosened up and finally expressed his desire for perfection in everything.

My parents always made me feel loved. That is not a question and never will be. But please don't ask me why love and acceptance do not quite add up - in my case, that is. I always felt loved but I never felt that I was good enough. When I would do something wrong, I would never hear the end of it. If I did something good / commendable / that deserved recognition, I would never hear appreciation. Like it was nothing special.

Criticisms never ended. When I was criticized for something and would do my best to improve on it, my Dad would move on to the next. It never ended. He would tell me that he always believed in me, that I was talented, that I had so much potential. As I look back on those times, those things he told me is what I believe carried me through. I may have used those to build my confidence.

I know my parents wanted me to have a normal childhood as possible, given that I was an only child. My playmates were mostly my cousins. Unlike kids in my 4th grade class, I never owned a Nintendo. I only had 1 Barbie doll while my other classmates had at least 5. I also took piano lessons. I was enrolled in ballet and taekwondo. When I got to highschool and felt a bit too old for ballet, I wasn't allowed to stop until I reached toe class. In taekwondo I got my blackbelt as well.

No matter how much my parents would tell me how much I could achieve, there would always be the phrase "if only you would be..." attached to it. So despite the slight morale boosts once in a while, I was more insecure than confident. I always found myself unsure of myself. I always craved for assurance that what I was doing was right, that what I was doing was correct, etc. And when I would "fail," instead of taking it on as a greater challenge, I would tell myself "that's what you get because you don't deserve it anyway."

For years I have been battling with so many insecurities.  I find it difficult to believe in myself even when people around me say otherwise.

It's a choice I guess on how a child will take on how his/her parents raise them. I chose to rebel although not intentionally. I found myself drinking and smoking at the age of 14. I skipped school. I got myself pregnant at 19.  And in my mind I thought, there, see? I am really not perfect.

So maybe the choice I made is one of my bigger regrets. Young and impulsive, I chose not to see it as something for my own good. I didn't choose to find happiness in how my parents were raising me. I decided to go the other way. The road usually traveled. I ended up lost. And there, I brought more disappointment to my parents, my Dad especially. And in a way, I paved my own unhappiness - at that time.

At almost 30, I am just slowly starting to shake off the excess baggage. I have so much. I am slowly trying to accept myself for who I am. I want to be able to say that I can do so much but I am taking those steps rather slowly. I know I don't have much time to wallow in my past. I have 3 kids to think of. I need to discover how I will raise them. Hard as it is to admit, I have developed some "Chinese Mom" characteristics (more on that in another post) and I am battling with whether I should try dropping those practices altogether.


I really don't know if it has done me any good. I would want to believe that it has.

This Is It

How I wish I could be like most people who happily say that as they look back on their life, they have no regrets whatsoever about anything. Wow. I have tons of regrets which I am slowly coming to terms so that I get to let go of so much anger and bitterness bottled up inside me. A few years ago, I would say that I had no regrets but after years of reflection and realizations, I told myself that I had to be true to myself.

On the few occasions where the kids complaining & whining die down, the rants of the husband seem to tame down and I find my world quieting down, I get to listen to my heart - to its rumbling and its tears rolling down and there I find myself in touch with my more human side. I am able to pour out a lot of my "oh how I wish" feelings. I no longer cringe at those thoughts. Instead I choose to come face to face with it and look them in the eye. They scare me sometimes but I choose not to pack them away in an old chest and hide it away from my heart. I'm stronger now, older now and more determined. When I feel my heart about to break, I don't hold it back anymore. I allow it to- because that what will make me more and more of a person. I know it will heal.

So here I am trying be more of myself day by day. This time truer. More human.

For Their Dad

The boys look up to you

They like copying you

They enjoy it when you rumble and tumble with them

There's never a dull moment spent with you

But no one ever said you were perfect

Yet, they love you

You are for them, the best

Happy Father's Day!

When It Rained, It Poured

I promised myself that part of my going back to blogging included my being true to myself and since this blog is open to the public, I understand that whatever I write here may be read by anyone in the world. But again, this blog is for me to express myself and write down whatever it is I feel.

Almost more than a year ago, the storms came. They came without giving me any time to recover from the previous one. They left broken branches, piles of pine needles and they left scars in my heart. Unable to recuperate fast, I found myself slowly withdrawing from my own self starting drown myself in my own sorrows and slowly spiraling down into the dungeon of self pity. Months passed and the rains got stronger and the winds blew harder. I was beginning to accept the fact that I would be living in a stormy world, one where I would never see the sun shine anymore.

People could not sense I was being battered by so many storms. Maybe I was that good at putting up a front. But inside, in my little secret world that I built I was drenched in the rain.

On New Year's Eve, my eyes tired of crying the truth dawned upon me and that when I realized that I did have a choice. I could decide whether or not I still wanted to see the sun. Not for the sake of my kids nor my husband but for myself.

Coming out of the rain was not easy, in fact on some occasions I still feel a little drizzle once in a while and still hear the soft clapping of the thunder. Every once in a while I still fear that the storms may come again but for now, at least I see the rainbow.

Thinking

I've been trying to decide whether to start giving my 9 year old 3rd grader an allowance. Since he started school, I have always bought him his snacks which he brings to school. Since he started gradeschool, I have been hearing more and more stories from him about his classmates buying their snack at their canteen. In fairness to their school, they are strict about the food their concessionaire sells. No junk food and chocolates. I have been to their canteen and have seen the food they serve. For his lunch, I buy lunch stubs which he uses to buy his lunch.

As far as I can remember, when I was younger i always had an allowance. It was always my choice whether to spend it all on what I wanted to buy in school or to save a part of it.

I really don't know why I never practiced it with my son wen he started school. Sometimes I think I should start giving him an allowance so that he starts appreciating the concept of saving. On the other hand, I am also a bit apprehensive for reasons I am not really sure of.

More Of These Puhleeeezz

I've been on leave from work since Monday. I have been lovin' every single breathing second of it! This week, I did the laundry leisurely without rushing. Just plain enjoying the whole soaking time, washing time, rinsing time and spinning time. I also got to do some gardening which for me was sort of symbolic especially when I was pulling out the unwanted weeds. Just like pulling out the unwanted weeds in my life! I got to meet up with our Pastor as well. I have been bringing my children to school and picking them up as well. Last Monday I was able to make lasagna and this afternoon I got to prepare guacamole with corn chips. Very simple things I give so much importance to because when I have work, it's as if there are so many things going on that I always find myself rushing to finish things because i feel like there are a million other things to do after I finish one thing.

Aside from those I have mentioned, I was also able to go to the grocery at 9 freakin' o clock in the morning!! How awesome is that? I usually run to the grocery during my lunch break, so much as I love doing the grocery, I am always as usual rushing. I also got to watch X-Men First Class - cool movie which has gotten me very interested in this whole Professor X - Magneto thing which never appealed to me in the past! And then I also got to watch The Rite. And am half way through The Hangover 2.

Ahhh. I have 3 more days to go and I plan to make the most out of it. And oh yes, because I am home most of the time, I have decided to start trying to potty train the littlelest one! So far the peeing has been v. successful (knock on wood I don't want to jinx myself!) The pooping can come later.

I Love This.

On Keeping Toddlers Busy

How far would you go to keep your toddler quiet and behaved especially when in an important situation. Today the husband and I went to meet with our pastor and we had to bring Arrow - the demanding 2 year old with us. Even if we knew it would have been better not to tag him along, we had no choice. As usual, at the beginning Arrow was well behaved probably still warming up. Half way thru, he started to get restless. So I gave him my cellphone which kept him busy for a nano second. Then i tried talking him to him properly and politely but to no avail. While whining, he discovered the pack of facial tissue in my bag. Thankfully, he kept quiet. But it was because he kept pulling out and pulling out sheets and sheets of tissue. When there was a whole pile in front of him, he started tearing them into strips. My husband who was sitting in front of me started to widen his eyes as if trying to tell me to do something to make Arrow stop. But our Pastor was in the middle of sharing something important and Arrow was keeping quiet with his wonderful activity of making a mess in the pastors office and so I didn't want to disrupt him because I also wanted to listen to what our Pastor was saying. It kept Arrow busy for a few minutes and when he started to show signs of boredom again, I taught him t make tissue paper balls! The Pastors table was full of tissue paper balls. The floor was scattered with tissue paper balls.

Sometimes in the restaurant it's all about allowing him to gulp down his iced tea or lemonade even before the food arrives just to keep him seated. Other times its opening a pack of forbidden chips when having to keep him behaved during a long car trip.

With 3 kids down the lane, I always have something new to learn.

In The News

Watching the evening news is a routine for us. We automatically put it on news at 6:30PM. I am beginning to wonder if I should just stop watching it because I get so annoyed, irritated, affected and most of all depressed by everything I watch!

With the opening of classes this week, a lot of the news stories focus on the current educational situation of public schools in the country. The public school system in the Philippines is like no other. Yes tuition fee is about 100% or more cheaper than if you enrolled your child in a private school but you get your moneys worth. In a class, there are about 65 pupils crammed into a classroom good for 40 students. Because there are too many pupils, there are not enough tables and chairs and books. A book may have to be shared by 4 children. This evening, they featured a public school somewhere in metro Manila where there were just too many pupils in a classroom that the chairs had to be crammed inside leaving no floor space. So the teacher was actually standing on the arm chairs of the children! It totally broke my heart. And then in one school in the Visayas, located far from the city proper they only had 3 teachers so graces 1&2 had to be combined, 3&4 together and grade 5&6 as well. I do not want to get into the news feature on the current condition of the bathrooms of the schools. Too sad.

What is this? How do we expect the next generation to create a brighter future? It breaks my heart so bad. I wish my children would appreciate what they have instead of taking it all for granted.  I can't help but wonder if there is a chance for things to change. Education is so important but how can one learn properly if the environment for learning is not conducive? This a problem that needs to be addressed and there should be a follow through. If our President is serious about reforming the country,  I hope he realizes which areas he needs to give primary focus to.

There must be hope.

Sweets Galore!

We had lunch over at my in-laws today. My MIL was there, 2 of my husbands aunts, 2 of his uncles and a few of my kids' cousins. The grandmother of my husband was there too- the great grandmother of my kids. She is a very sweet lady who loves her family and who gets so excited about seeing all of her grand and great grand kids. She is starting to become more and more forgetful though. Like every time we pay a visit to their family home -  which isn't very often - she can never remember who we are! Going back, I said she is a very sweet lady who enjoys seeing her family together.

But each time we go visit her, she always has these handful of candies and sweets for my kids! And worse, she likes seeing them gobble 'em up down even before eating their meals! Sorry. I love it that she loves my kids and I love seeing her so excited around them. But over flowing candies and chocolates? Eat them all up at once? No thanks please! She can't hear that well anymore as well so polite as I want to be, I sometimes have to speak a bit louder just so that she can hear me saying, "Please for crying out loud stop with the sweets! Tonsillitis galore!" "Please lola, not to much candies for the kids. We don't really allow them that much sweets in a month!" Oh gosh. So I glare stare at my husband waiting for him to say or do something to save my poor kids' appetite and tonsils! We tried to hide the can full of sweets from my grandmother - in - law and when she couldn't find it, she went to her room and got more unopened packs of candies!

Now that it's over, I find myself laughing at how silly we were a while ago. But when it was happening, I was irritated / annoyed / panicky especially since the littlest one could not be talked out of not shoving down eating all those candies. Thank God he forgot about the other sweets his great grandma stashed inside his pocket. It's really difficult to be straightforward with other people about the rules you impose on your kids since Pinoy culture gives very big importance to respect for elders PLUS, we have the tendency to agree just so that. Ugghh.

I hope the 2 glasses of water I made the little gulp down will keep the tonsillitis away!

Laid Back

Lately, I have been blessed to have enough time to sit down and watch movies. Wow I never thought that day would finally arrive! With the 2 year old becoming a little ore dependent - and interested in sitting thru a movie, I have been able to start catching up by watching DVD's-- v. happy!

So, I got to watch Rio. I found it to be a very cute movie. Very colorful and with a beautiful message. A simple reminder that could, if we do take it seriously, save the world. I also got to watch Kung Fu Panda II which I found to be funny and light. I love sarcastic humor by the way. So I was laughing practically throughout the whole movie. This afternoon, I also finally got to watch Little Fockers. It turned out to be quite a disappointment for me - a bit too shallow and not that all funny. I was expecting it to be hilarious - was actually looking forward to an afternoon full of laughter.

I'm on a straight 5 day leave from work - woot woot! - so I am looking forward to watching more movies! Maybe I will get to watch X-Men First Class. Hopefully Cars 2 comes out soon. I got the DVD of The Rite as well, hopefully I'm in for a good scare.

Any other movie suggestions?

6 Months

Half of the year has gone by. Or there is still half of the year to look forward to. I find myself wondering if the past 6 months have meant anything or if the next 6 months will mean anything. It should. As the saying goes, time flies. Too fast. I need to constantly remind myself about how giving more importance to even the littlest things because in the years to come, we will then realize that those little things we paid too little attention to were those that left the deepest mark in our hearts.

Life has become too complicated, too complex that we often even want time to go by faster just so that we can get over the complexities we are faced with. Much as we would want to simplify things, sometimes it is just impossible to do so. So we wonder what to do. Nothing. I'm coming to realize that I should take things as they come, as they are. Struggling to change things into how I want them to be will leave me exhausted and frustrated and may even push me to the brink of hating life. And why should I make myself reach that point?

I believe that it's never to late for anything. I must learn to stop regretting things and instead take them as learning lessons and move on from there.

What will the rest of this year bring, I wonder. So far, it has brought a number of heartbreaks but it has a also warmed my heart a couple of time. I will believe that the past 6 months has made me a better person. And the next 6 will make me even better.

Unconditional

He cries Mama and runs to me.

I meet him with an embrace and he buries his head in my arms. His tears rolling down his cheeks wetting my shirt.

I hold him in my arms while telling him why I got angry.

He cries. Head still buried in my arms. While I talk he remains silent.

"Do you understand why you need to obey?" I ask.

Tears still rolling down, I feel him nod his head.

He looks up, "Mama?"

He Smiles.

I smile back.

We stay and enjoy our embrace.

Love. That's what its all about.

Rain, Rain Go 'Way

The fact that summer - sunny days, warm weather, dry roads, early sunrise -- has come to end has finally sank in. A storm was brewing over the pacific and was threatening to hit the country bringing cold, rainy days. We were gearing up for it but then the storm decided to veer towards Japan right before it was about to make landfall in the Philippines. A few weeks ago, our country was already hit by a typhoon.

Before all these drastic climate changes happening all over the world and when the seasons were quite predictable, the Philippines only had 2 seasons, the wet and the dry season. June - October brought about stormy weather with and average of 8-10 typhoons battering the country. November - May would bring drier months with February bringing the lowest temperatures and come March, warm sunshine would fill the days.

Today, one cannot even plan a decent trip to the beach because of very unpredictable weather. April and May used to be months for planning trips to the seaside to cool off while dipping in the water. My laundry schedule has been very erratic - and I dislike it very much - because most of the time it rains in the afternoon and I usually wash clothes after work and hang them up on the clothesline outside through the night.

Rainy weather depresses me. The lack of sunshine does not make me happy.

Sleep Tight

I have always practiced co-sleeping. All three of them have slept beside me from birth until they are about big enough not to cry when they see that I am not beside them when they get up in the morning. In my case now, my youngest is the one who still sleeps beside me. refer to older post: his umbilical cord is still attached to me.

I gotta say that I can't help but compare their movements during the night.

The eldest would move a lot and would ask for 2 or 3 bottles thru the night until he was about 3. The second one would hardly move! He was a very well behaved bedmate who stopped asking for a bottle during the night when he was about 2. The littlest one, who happens to be my current snuggling buddy is, I have to say, the most active one!  Thankfully, he also has stopped drinking milk thru the night before he turned 2. But thru the night, I often wake up to a kick in my back or a hand on my face or his head on my tummy.

As I speak, his left foot is on top of the keypad of my laptop.

Goodnight.

5

 I've always said this and I will never stop saying this, YOU came at the perfect time. 5 years ago you made your debut into this world. Little did I know that you would rock my world.

You were such an easy baby and little did I know that you were just gearing up for your toddler years where you would test my patience every single time! Without any effort, you never fail to make me smile. You naturally make me laugh. You make me high.

You are my Dash. My not little anymore but not quite big enough guy.

You are my world and I Love You!

Happy Birthday Little Big Guy!

Totally Random

Re-read my blog entries. Couldn't help but notice misspelled words or sentences with what may seem like grammatical errors. A very telling sign of who I am. Always rushing. Must proof read.
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I can't help but wonder where all the other blogger friends I made years ago are now? When I took a break from blogging, I thought I was the only one. I didn't think a lot of other bloggers would stop writing too. Have you all completely stopped writing or have you just moved to another site? I would love to hear from you again! You know who you are!
--
On the other hand, I am glad that there are still some who have stayed and who still came back to read my blog after being gone for quite some time. Hi C and Alicia!
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I am also happy to have met a new blogger friend, Al!

Recap: An OMG Weekend

It all started on Friday. My tummy started rumbling and I started to feel it getting queasy. Incidentally, I also got a call from the company with whom I have an active employment application and they informed me that I had an interview at 7pm that night. It was a cold rainy night, I had a restless tummy but I sill went to get it over with.
--
I got there around 20 minutes to 7 but ended up waiting for more than an hour because the regional HR director (who starts his shift at &pm) was not yet there. Filipino time they say! He finally arrived a little before 8pm and he immediately called me to his office. It was a nice, informal but very concise interview where I was able to express a lot of what has been bottled up inside me - mainly my sentiments on where I believe my career is at this point. I enjoyed it. Mainly because I love talking haha. I was trying to assess his opinion of me but I couldn't quite dig deeper into his body language and facial expressions. Polite man, I should say. The interview was done by around 8:20, I think.
--
So I got home and again, headed straight to the bathroom. Queasy tummy, remember? And it didn't end there. When I got up on Saturday, I felt drained. I had woken up 3 or 4 times before that. I still did the laundry but I found myself always rushing to the bathroom. By Saturday afternoon, I was confined to my bed feeling all weak already. I tried to drink tea and eat some crackers but I ended up throwing it all up. I had no more appetite to eat by then. Come Saturday night, I couldn't sleep because my tummy kept waking me up. By 2 or 3AM of Sunday I was already crying. Seriously, I thought I was going to die. I'm sorry for the exaggeration but that's how I really felt. Come Sunday morning, I tried to drink Gatorade and hydrite but I was feeling very weak already. Scared of dehydration, I finally said I needed to go to the hospital. So Jet the husband brought me to the ER. Negative for any amoeba, the very young doctor (she was schoolmate during my elementary days and she was like 4 years younger than me!!) diagnosed me with acute gastroenteritis. Look it up. I was honestly skeptical about her diagnosis because she didn't even ask me for my history! What I ate, when it first occur ed, etc. Aren't those basic questions!!! ANYWAY. She just prescribed meds that would help relax the stomach spasms felt. Jet suggested we go to another hospital but I was just plain tired but at the same time, thankful I didn't have to be confined. The rest of Sunday was spent either in the bathroom or on my bed. I only got up to cook dinner.
--
When I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better. Still having frequent visits to the bathroom but I felt a bit more hydrated having been able to keep and apple and a slice of toast down with gagging it out or flushing it out. Thank God for His healing hands!
--
As I look back, getting sick is no joke. Again, I was reminded -- I felt so frustrated with the stomach flu I got the symptoms that came with it but it was nothing compared to what my Mom, a lung cancer patient had to endure. Again, I couldn't help but be thankful still.
--
So it's back to work for me tomorrow. Blech.

Wishful Thinking

I've heard about workaholics. I've read about them too. I've met a few of them as well. So what do you call their complete opposites? I wanna know because I think that I am exactly their opposite. Good or bad? I don't know. I just got to start thinking about it because lately, I have been wanting another break from work. With summer almost ending, I can't help but want to be able to make a short trip somewhere where I can escape my reality! No, I am not lazy. I know this because in a day I can get a lot done but I cannot compare myself to workaholics who exist because of their work. I love my work, yes I do. I enjoy it. But it isn't my life. For a time I thought it could be but I realized that there are so much more important things that come before my work. Seriously. Like I wouldn't batt an eyelash if I had to decide whether to take a leave to watch my sons school program or to go to work instead. Or even with my health, when I seriously feel ill, I do not force myself to get up and get ready and report for work. Stuff like that. And as mentioned earlier, I look for little breaks in between without feeling guilty.

I hope a short break could be right around the corner. With my boss gone for the past 6 weeks, I guess I've been feeling this because the bulk of the work has been on my shoulders.

Attached

Apparently, they forgot to cut the umbilical cord at the hospital when I gave birth over 2 years ago. I mean, he is completely attached to me. It always has to be Mama. Nobody else but Mama. Mama bubunch (take a bath), Mama amam (eat), Mama come. Everything Mama. I love this boy but sometimes - or a lot of times, I just feel so constrained to do things I need to do and want to do. Like 2 days ago when I went jogging, while I was out he woke up and found that I was no longer beside him. His world collapsed. So when I got home, hubby and his older brothers were trying to tame him down. But when he saw me, everything was suddenly fine. It's a whole drama episode when I have to leave the house like for work and he has to stay behind. No amount of bribing gets him. I have tried gummy bears, putting in a DVD for him to watch, talking to him nicely, using a stern voice - to no avail. He controls me!

It's a phase. He'll get over it. I know.

WANTED: Cook

Wanna know something? I hate cooking. Or possibly the other way around. Whatever. I just do not like it. Make scrub the bathroom floors, do the laundry - I love doing the laundry, sweep the floors and dust the shelves just do not make me cook. I used to want to learn how to cook especially after watching cooking shows on TV - which make cooking look like the easiest thing in the world - but it just never turns out the way it should be! Boo me.

But I do cook because I have to! Or my family will go hungry haha. It's just something that I do not look forward to doing. Seriously. Like right now, at 6AM I am dreading the fact that I will have to whip up something again for dinner and hope that my family will like it.

So, am I the only one who feels this way?

What The Heck Am I Doing??!

I'm a career woman. Now that sounds weird. Anyway, I need to believe that I am because I have never stopped working since I first got a job and since then, I have pretty much been taking it seriously. In the first place, hectic as it is, I must admit, the mere fact that I've been doing this for the past 7 years means that I am obviously enjoying it - much as I would want to pretend otherwise. Although allow me to say that I have always also had the desire to be a housewife. That's another topic.

I stayed at my first job for 3 1/2 years. I got that job when I was turning 22 but when I reached the age of 25, I was feeling restless and felt that I needed "more challenges," etc. I found myself leaving my first job and moving to another company - which in fairness, offered better pay, benefits and career opportunities as compared to my previous job. 4 years down the road, I have found myself searching once again for other better career opportunities. What is this?? Is this human nature's selfish character of discontentment? At first, I submitted my CV to test the waters and assess my marketability. A week had passed and I didn't hear from them so I told myself this wasn't meant to be. This afternoon, I got a call from them scheduling me for an interview and they sent me the link for me to take the online exams at home. And guess what, yes, I just finished taking their on line tests.

I will not panic. Anyway, I do not need to decide at this point. I shall cross the bridge when I get there even if the bridge is right around the corner.

Summer

Thought of posting pictures of the kids of what they've been doing for summer as it slowly comes to an end. As it comes to a close, just like me when I was a kid, they will have in their hearts memories they will forever cherish and remember. Summers should always be memorable.

Again and Again ----- Over and Over

So how do you deal with a routine to the point that it practically bores you to the grave? Yep, I am bored. A few people have reminded me that boring is in a way, good. It may mean that you are doing things the way they should be done. But it doesn't change the fact that I am bored. It's the same thing day in and day out be it at home or in the office.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Just The Way I Like It

When I had my eldest 9 years ago, I could not imagine having mother baby. A first time mother at 19 did not appeal to me at all. It was difficult and confusing. I had no idea what I was doing. I was too scared to bathe the baby, I didn't know what to do when the baby would not want to stop crying, I would be way too panicky when the baby would catch a cold or would down with a fever. But, by God's grace, I survived. By the time he was 3, both my husband and I were already working and sort of picked up the hang of parenthood so I wanted another baby.

4 years after having my first baby, I gave birth to my second boy. Calmer the second time around, I felt that I sorta knew what to do to calm him down, I was excited more than worried when I gave him cereals for the first time. It became more exciting when my 2 boys slowly started to interact and play with each other. This was fun, I thought. People would ask me if I planned on having another one, a girl perhaps? And at the back of my mind, I kept thinking, am I done with having kids? Will I have one more? If I do, when? I had a feeling of being incomplete. That I wasn't done yet. But my prayer was, "Lord, if I am to have another baby, please give it to me before I turn 30." I just felt that I didn't want to go through pregnancy when I was older.

4 years before turning 30, I gave birth to my 3rd son. And since the day I gave birth to him, I have had gazillions of people asking me if we would still try for not just another one, but this time a girl in particular.

The answer is NO. For a person outside my situation, one would think yes why not, have another one. Have more in fact! But this time, I have found myself in perfect contentment. I have never felt this complete in my entire life. I really don't care if I have 3 sons. I love it in fact. I am the queen of the jungle.

I like it just the way it is. I couldn't ask for more.

Again, With Much Love.

Happy Mother's Day o all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

It's a thankless job. It's a tiring task. It's a heavy responsibility. 

It entails sleepless nights. It means hardwork. It means heartbreaks.

It brings us tears. It brings us so much joy. It fills our hearts with love.

It makes us proud. It reminds us of our worth. It brings a smile to our face.

Motherhood.

It can never be defined. It will never be defined. 

It is what it is. It will be known forever.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies, mama's, ma's, nanay's, inay's out there!

Reminder

Pssst..Guess what? You wanna know something? I can't wait for my hands to be baby free.

There. I blurted it out. Am I being selfish? 

On most days, I wish I didn't have to be constantly chasing after a toddler who refuses to bathe or have to carry an 18lbs 2 year old - given that I am only 4'11, it is a constant struggle to be able to carry such a heavy sack of potatoes with ease and poise without my hair covering my face or trickle of sweat beads running down my temples. Or having to eat with a baby on my lap who is constantly also wanting to mess up the food on the plate. It is tiring. 

Someday, I will miss all of this. I may look back on all this and wish that I embraced this experience more. So i say to myself right now - be thankful, seize the moment.

Today (What a Boring Post Title! - Too Lazy to Think of a More Catchy One)

I wanted to post summer pictures of the kids since I haven't posted shots in a while but blogger seemed to think otherwise. It was taking forever to upload the photos and it's getting late (9:41pm at this moment) and I have to get up at 5:10am tomorrow to jog. Woot woot! Can't believe I have finally started the ball rolling! I have been telling myself to start exercising but never got to do it. Now that my youngest is 2, I am think it's about time to start losing the extra weight because the excuse "I'm fat because I just gave birth" is already unacceptable. Boo!

Today was a pretty productive day at work for me with a few instances where I almost (again) lost my patience. Ughh, I need to work on this. I am extremely impatient! Which I know is a no - no especially since I am an HR practitioner. Tomorrow I will lengthen my shoestrings, will count to 10 before reacting and will pray when I feel the want to snap.

I got to read articles of how Bin Laden was finally tracked down by the U.S. and I really do not know what to make of it. Many say they don't believe Bin Laden was actually hunted down and killed, some say it's possible. I can't exactly say where I stand but one thing I am sure of is, this world is not going to be a safer place to live in with what had just happened. It's a scary thought because i am sure in one way or another, there will be Bin Laden followers who will retaliate. The "number one enemy of the US" may be gone, but terrorism is still very, very much alive.

Can't believe I still have 2 more days of work. Torn between whether I want the week to go faster or for it to slow down. My boss is on leave because she was operated on and so far I have been liking it a lot. No, it's not because I can become a delinquent employee (Hah I wish), it's just that I feel like I am very well able to spread my wings without constraint and do what I have to do without the feeling that there are a pair of eyes staring down on me. I have nothing against my boss at all - maybe I just work better under circumstances like this.

So, how was your day?

The New Me -- Hopefully, That Is

They say, for women, 30 is the mid-life crisis of men when they're 40. True? I could never relate to that a few years ago. But with the inevitable fast approaching, I am beginning to realize it as a truth.

I find myself being more and more conscious about my skin - especially the skin on my face and the fine lines that are starting to become more and more evident! Lately, I have been spending on anti-aging skin care products and strictly making it my daily and nightly regimen. In the past, I would buy a bottle of moisturizer here and a tube of eye cream there and then would forget it on the shelf and only remember about it months or even years after.

I have been also very religious about taking my Vit C and Vit E tablets and other anti oxidant food supplements.

And for the first time in my 4 year stay with the company I work for, this is the only year I went for my annual physical check up. I have been more and more conscious about my health as well. Eating more vegetables and fruits and trying to cut down on junk food although I must admit that a good, fat, juicy burger will always be my weakness. This week, I also started to jog. Just a 20 minute jog from our house down to the satellite market and back. Running has been so the "in" things lately by the way, but I am in it to shed off the unwanted pounds!

And lastly, I am declaring my desire to quit smoking. Yes, there, I said it. For so long I have been mum about this yucky, icky addiction. I want to stop it. I hope I can kick the habit. SOON.

Looking Inside

Of the few things I am sure about, the fact that I am always unsure of myself is what I am sure of.

I wonder where this all began? I wonder if this can be reversed? 

Alone, thoughts of fear and uncertainty taunt me. In a crowded room, an insecure stance is what I carry. It's something I hate. It's a feeling I dislike very much. So on nights like this one, lights off, kids sleeping, I sit and wonder how I can become better. How can I learn to believe in my decisions, be confident with my actions.

Because of that, I feel like I am trying too hard most of the time - to please others but maybe more of to please myself. I am always overly concerned with what people around me think about me, what they think about the things I do or how I handle myself.

I need to believe in me. Although far from perfect, I know there are still things in me that make me a good person, a loving mother, a respectful wife. It's a difficult, awful feeling. 

Me. The Real Me.

Well, I guess the trick is to never stop because if you do, you won't know how to start. And when you finally get the courage to start, you end up feeling like never wanting to start again.

Blogging. That's what I'm talking about. 

Have one liner tweets or a few sentences as facebook statuses taken over our want to sit down, put our thoughts together and write paragraphs and paragraphs about our day, our feelings, our experiences, our troubles, our joys?

Maybe.

I deleted my facebook account a few months ago. While it has connected so many long lost friends, relatives or has become a way of people to get to know each other or for some, a selling place for shoes, clothes, gadgets, etc., I just couldn't take so much of the drama that would ensue in the lives of people I was in one way or another connected to. Not that I don't care, I just felt like there were some issues that need not be taken out of the closet and made fo everyone's consumption - but for some, they just felt the need to just let it all out. No offense meant, this was just a personal decision I made because I felt that it would do me better. 

ANYWAY. Where have I been? Goodness. 7 months has been way too long. I actually am starting to feel the groove again as I am writing this. 

Last year, my househelp of 6 years decided to leave. It was heartbreaking for me because I became so emotionally attached to her. It affected me and I had such a hard time looking for a replacement. In 12 months, I've had 9 helpers come and go. It is very frustrating when both my husband and I have to work and I have to think of where to leave my 3 kids while at work. But we've been managing with the help of relatives.

On the homefront, my kids have grown so big, so fast. The eldest turned 9 last February. The middle guy is turning 5 in May and will be in kindergarten. And the littlest one turned 2 last March and is expanding his vocabulary everyday. Married life hasn't been too easy -- which is probably why I also shied away from blogging for a while. I did come to realize that a big part of what I blogged about were the good times - the happy times where I talked about how awesome my kids were, the funny times where I wrote about the crazy happy times of life, the good times where I posted family pictures of all of us smiling. But I never wrote in depth about the pains, the hurts the heartbreaks. Maybe because I felt the need to project myself as the happy one with a happy family and happy kids and a happy home with a happy husband. Privacy, some may say. I will go slow. I do not know how far I can also bare myself but I have come to realize that writing is me. 

A week ago, I met up for lunch with my bestfriend from grade school. When I sat down, she handed me this really thick huge envelope. She told me to open it. I opened it and found hundreds of letters I had written to her starting when we were in 3rd grade all the way to when we were in highschool. I tried to read some although most I couldn't bring myself to continue reading as those letters were just full of myself and my crushes and the shallow things of life. She asked me if I remembered writing those letters. I sat back and looked back and it came to me - I didn't remember what all those letters were about, but I did remember the feeling I had every time I would write a letter. 

Writing was me. Writing is me. It make me who I am. It's my way of being me.

So, hello. It's nice to be back. 

It's nice to write again.