Happy Father's Day.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
For Being You, Thanks.
No fancy presents this year, no planned out lunch or dinner out. This year, it'll just be the full appreciation of how much you mean. Thank You.
Happy Father's Day.
Happy Father's Day.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Them Cuties
Because this week has been emotionally draining and tiring and exhausting for me ---- I leave you with these, which make me forget all my worries.....
Monday, June 9, 2008
Where Can The Answers Be Found?
I wonder if it's wrong to remember the past, to dig into one's heart and bring to life what once was even if we fully know that that once will never be and can never be anymore. It becomes especially difficult especially when the memories you have stored are those which now you realize were the best part of your life and the pain grows deeper knowing that all you have left of that is a mere memory. And the not so good parts? Well, I guess, you will end up smiling as you remember them after all, that's what brought you here today after all.
I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.
Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.
I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.
I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.
That void. I wonder what is it.
I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.
Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.
I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.
I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.
That void. I wonder what is it.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
That Anger From Within
I got a message from one of my closest friends this afternoon. She was asking for prayers for Krystlle, her 14 year old niece (who I saw when she was growing up), who had cancer of the tissue. Krystelle had been in and out of the hospital for the past 5 months, the doctors advised against any sort of treatment since it seemed like it was too late already, the cancer had already spread.
I felt so sad.
After about an hour, my friend sent another message and said that Krystelle had passed away already.
How do you react to something like that. There was nothing I could say to make things less painful. What is there to say. There really isn't anything to say. It pains me to see people with cancer having to suffer. And it pains me more to see their loved ones left behind when they go.
Cancer is not easy. It is painful,in every aspect of it. But cancer patients are fighters. They give it one big fight and it is because of them that we are inspired to see life in a different way.
Cancer has hurt me. Cancer has pained me. Cancer has made me angry. Cancer has made me stronger. Cancer has hurt me.
Cancer took away my mom. It took away my grandfather. Cancer continues to take away so many special lives.
And I hate it.
I felt so sad.
After about an hour, my friend sent another message and said that Krystelle had passed away already.
How do you react to something like that. There was nothing I could say to make things less painful. What is there to say. There really isn't anything to say. It pains me to see people with cancer having to suffer. And it pains me more to see their loved ones left behind when they go.
Cancer is not easy. It is painful,in every aspect of it. But cancer patients are fighters. They give it one big fight and it is because of them that we are inspired to see life in a different way.
Cancer has hurt me. Cancer has pained me. Cancer has made me angry. Cancer has made me stronger. Cancer has hurt me.
Cancer took away my mom. It took away my grandfather. Cancer continues to take away so many special lives.
And I hate it.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Nope. Not. Really.
My nose grew an inch longer after I answered "I am!" to my six year old son after he asked me if I was a good speller. He's into spelling in school so I constantly play a game by asking him to spell certain words.
I suck at spelling. I cannot and will not dare compose anything if the spell check option is turned off OR if a dictionary is not beside me. It has been my struggle all these years. I was never a good speller in school. I disliked joining spelling bees. And until today, I do not have confidence in my spelling skills. I suck.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: Josh spell man
Josh: M-A-N
Me: What about pants
Josh: P-A-N-T-S
Me: School
Josh: Hey Mom are you a good speller?
Me: Spell School
Josh: But are you? Are you a good speller?
Me: I am.
Josh: Then spell Clock
Me: C-L-O-C-K! See? I'm good.
And then he gives me a nod.
Well, for as long as he sticks to 5 letter words I guess I will be a good speller.
I suck at spelling. I cannot and will not dare compose anything if the spell check option is turned off OR if a dictionary is not beside me. It has been my struggle all these years. I was never a good speller in school. I disliked joining spelling bees. And until today, I do not have confidence in my spelling skills. I suck.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: Josh spell man
Josh: M-A-N
Me: What about pants
Josh: P-A-N-T-S
Me: School
Josh: Hey Mom are you a good speller?
Me: Spell School
Josh: But are you? Are you a good speller?
Me: I am.
Josh: Then spell Clock
Me: C-L-O-C-K! See? I'm good.
And then he gives me a nod.
Well, for as long as he sticks to 5 letter words I guess I will be a good speller.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
If Even Just For A While
The first night I saw her, her face was so clear and my emotions were so strong. It was a given that she had been sick and that had recovered and was back. There were things she said which offended me but I bit my tongue and reminded myself to just be thankful instead that indeed, she was back.
The next day, I saw her again. The whole time, we were just talking casually. About what I do not exactly remember. The next day, that was all I could think about -- the 2 nights that I had been seeing her. I found it a bit weird at first.
On the 3rd night, I saw her again. She was on the phone speaking with a cousin of mine who was talking badly at her and I kept telling her not to allow my cousin to treat her that way.
And then I woke up.
I spent almost the whole morning thinking about those 3 nights. I was trying to figure out what all that possibly meant but I just couldn't think of any reason why. And then it dawned upon me. She knows how much I miss her. I'm thankful that even if just in my dreams, I am able to touch her and feel her and talk with her. I yearn for her presence even if I know that will never be possible. It's a yearning tucked away in my heart, rarely shown to other people. And tonight, I'm giving it one good cry - it's something I haven't done in a long time, something I'm trying to
stay away from anyway. It feels good.
If I see her again tonight, it will feel better.
The next day, I saw her again. The whole time, we were just talking casually. About what I do not exactly remember. The next day, that was all I could think about -- the 2 nights that I had been seeing her. I found it a bit weird at first.
On the 3rd night, I saw her again. She was on the phone speaking with a cousin of mine who was talking badly at her and I kept telling her not to allow my cousin to treat her that way.
And then I woke up.
I spent almost the whole morning thinking about those 3 nights. I was trying to figure out what all that possibly meant but I just couldn't think of any reason why. And then it dawned upon me. She knows how much I miss her. I'm thankful that even if just in my dreams, I am able to touch her and feel her and talk with her. I yearn for her presence even if I know that will never be possible. It's a yearning tucked away in my heart, rarely shown to other people. And tonight, I'm giving it one good cry - it's something I haven't done in a long time, something I'm trying to
stay away from anyway. It feels good.
If I see her again tonight, it will feel better.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Today He Turned TWO
A year ago today,at exactly 7:25 in the morning a baby boy was born. A bit smaller than his older brother when he was born, his loud and powerful scream was nothing close to small.
He proved to be a voracious eater. He loved his cookies.
And his socks.
He adores his older brother (when they aren't arguing, that is).
He is opinionated and determined to get what he wants but his affection for those close to him has no bounds.
This morning I asked "Who's birthday is it today?" and he answered, "TWO!" and then I said "How old are you today?" to which he replied "ME!"
I can't believe he wore that rumper. I can't believe he's wearing that shirt already.
He proved to be a voracious eater. He loved his cookies.
And his socks.
He adores his older brother (when they aren't arguing, that is).
He is opinionated and determined to get what he wants but his affection for those close to him has no bounds.
This morning I asked "Who's birthday is it today?" and he answered, "TWO!" and then I said "How old are you today?" to which he replied "ME!"I can't believe he wore that rumper. I can't believe he's wearing that shirt already.
Monday, May 26, 2008
A Woman's Weakness?
I have been controlling myself for a long, long, long time. I sooooooo want to shop. I want to shop. I have a whole list (which has been stirring in my mind for the past month or so) of things that I want to buy- 3/4 of which are actually all "wants" and the remaining are our "needs." And because most of it are just wants, I have been controlling myself from breaking lose and going berserk.
Because I have children to think about, I am able to pass a store with a humongous screaming red SALE banner. Because I have to be more practical, I am able to pass a store with very very happy and content shoppers coming out with a zillion shopping bags. Because another pair of sleek black stiletto's is of no importance compared to a pack of diapers, I can control the palpitation of me heart when I see racks and racks and racks of office wear slashed by 70% of its original price.
But it still won't change the fact that I want to shop.
Which is why I'm thankful I have a little creature who says "I wuv woo."
Shopping suddenly comes 2nd on my list.
Because I have children to think about, I am able to pass a store with a humongous screaming red SALE banner. Because I have to be more practical, I am able to pass a store with very very happy and content shoppers coming out with a zillion shopping bags. Because another pair of sleek black stiletto's is of no importance compared to a pack of diapers, I can control the palpitation of me heart when I see racks and racks and racks of office wear slashed by 70% of its original price.
But it still won't change the fact that I want to shop.
Which is why I'm thankful I have a little creature who says "I wuv woo."
Shopping suddenly comes 2nd on my list.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I'm Sorry But It's A No
When your job has something to do with hiring people, I figured, you're going to be doomed to face really, really, really determined people who would do ANYTHING just to land a job. I do not blame them- in a developing country like ours, having a job is essential if you want to survive. But we cannot discount the fact that most companies, do have job descriptions which include the necessary basic requirements in order to stick to the prescribed standards.
In the past 4 years that I have been working, I have met a number of people with character. Once, there was a lady who brought me and my box a big box of special sweets - right before her scheduled interview. I almost gave in to her bribe. KIDDING.
On another occasion, one applicant who already failed our standards would call 4 times a day in the hope of convincing us to give her another chance. I was very subtle to her at first and it seemed like she just didn't want to "drop" it, so I bluntly told her that she simply didn't make it. I wasn't surprised when she suggested she go to our head office and talk the higher ups to hire her. Seriously, I told her it wasn't proper but she didn't stop there. She started to plead. My heart went out to her, really. My heart goes out to a lot of applicants I tell you. It can be a tough job especially when I meet such a beautiful (speaking of inner beauty) person but simply doesn't make the cut because of other reasons like exams and / or basic requirements like degree finished or whether he or she is an under grad or not, etc. Going back, so she started to plead but I just could not give in.
Most of the time, the sticky situations I find myself in is processing an applicant as a favor because he or she was referred by a higher up, friend or acquaintance but is totally not qualified. I receive personal visits , numerous calls a day and email messages just trying to talk me into "giving __________ a chance."
I try to be polite and professional and sometimes I feel like I am about to snap back but I remind myself to bite my tongue and empathize with them. I've been turned down too in the past and it can be demoralizing AND depressing but certain things are just not meant to be, I guess. I'm still learning as well but I'm getting there.
In the past 4 years that I have been working, I have met a number of people with character. Once, there was a lady who brought me and my box a big box of special sweets - right before her scheduled interview. I almost gave in to her bribe. KIDDING.
On another occasion, one applicant who already failed our standards would call 4 times a day in the hope of convincing us to give her another chance. I was very subtle to her at first and it seemed like she just didn't want to "drop" it, so I bluntly told her that she simply didn't make it. I wasn't surprised when she suggested she go to our head office and talk the higher ups to hire her. Seriously, I told her it wasn't proper but she didn't stop there. She started to plead. My heart went out to her, really. My heart goes out to a lot of applicants I tell you. It can be a tough job especially when I meet such a beautiful (speaking of inner beauty) person but simply doesn't make the cut because of other reasons like exams and / or basic requirements like degree finished or whether he or she is an under grad or not, etc. Going back, so she started to plead but I just could not give in.
Most of the time, the sticky situations I find myself in is processing an applicant as a favor because he or she was referred by a higher up, friend or acquaintance but is totally not qualified. I receive personal visits , numerous calls a day and email messages just trying to talk me into "giving __________ a chance."
I try to be polite and professional and sometimes I feel like I am about to snap back but I remind myself to bite my tongue and empathize with them. I've been turned down too in the past and it can be demoralizing AND depressing but certain things are just not meant to be, I guess. I'm still learning as well but I'm getting there.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Dr. Jones
I just could not connect to Harrison Ford's character in his other movies like What Lies Beneath and The Fugitive and oh yeah, Air Force One because for me, he would always always be Indiana Jones. Before watching the star wars trilogy wherein he also starred, I saw Indiana Jones first. And I loved it! The first I watched was Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade - I was 7 back then. We even visited the set in the MGM Studios in Disney World. I was more thrilled when I got to watch the first 2 Indy films.
And so since then, Harrison Ford stuck in my mind as Dr. Jones.
And today.... Tantanan Tantanantan Tantanan Tantanantantan..... I'm singing it. You could never forget the tune....So anyway, today, we got to watch the latest of Indy's films!!!
I enjoyed it a lot especially the first part. The story line towards the end wasn't that appealing though. But still, I got to see Dr. Jones! M 6 year old enjoyed it. I want to buy a collection of his first 3 movies.
And so since then, Harrison Ford stuck in my mind as Dr. Jones.
And today.... Tantanan Tantanantan Tantanan Tantanantantan..... I'm singing it. You could never forget the tune....So anyway, today, we got to watch the latest of Indy's films!!!
I enjoyed it a lot especially the first part. The story line towards the end wasn't that appealing though. But still, I got to see Dr. Jones! M 6 year old enjoyed it. I want to buy a collection of his first 3 movies.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Still No Cure, It Chooses No One
As soon as I got to the office this morning, my officemate who I have become close with over the few months I have been there, called me to the pantry because she wanted to tell me something. Well apparently, she got a call from her family last night to inform her that they found a tumor in her Dad's lungs. My heart dropped. And I couldn't really say anything for a good 10 minutes. I didn't know what to say. A big part of me just didn't want to say anything at all. What should you say?
She started asking about my Mom's case - hr battle with lung cancer. I wanted to share so much but at the same time, I didn't want to. My officemate said she will be visiting her dad after work and since her hometown is about 3 hours away from our city, she will be seeing her dad for the 1st time again in months. I told her to be ready for how her dad may look like since her mom said he already looked different.
I was thankful that my morning was pretty hectic preventing me from finding time to sit down and talk with her. I used that time to reflect and collect my thought. Damn hard.
We had lunch together. She needed someone to listen, so I did. It was very painful. I felt for her and remembered the ordeal my Dad and Mom went through and how painful it was for all their loved ones see them suffer and die.
Before we left the office, I told her to take care. I said it would be good to be as logical and practical as possible but she should cry it out if she felt so.
Trying times like these can make us or break us. Difficult as it can be, it is all up to us. I pray her father beats this. The big C.
She started asking about my Mom's case - hr battle with lung cancer. I wanted to share so much but at the same time, I didn't want to. My officemate said she will be visiting her dad after work and since her hometown is about 3 hours away from our city, she will be seeing her dad for the 1st time again in months. I told her to be ready for how her dad may look like since her mom said he already looked different.
I was thankful that my morning was pretty hectic preventing me from finding time to sit down and talk with her. I used that time to reflect and collect my thought. Damn hard.
We had lunch together. She needed someone to listen, so I did. It was very painful. I felt for her and remembered the ordeal my Dad and Mom went through and how painful it was for all their loved ones see them suffer and die.
Before we left the office, I told her to take care. I said it would be good to be as logical and practical as possible but she should cry it out if she felt so.
Trying times like these can make us or break us. Difficult as it can be, it is all up to us. I pray her father beats this. The big C.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
No Harm In Trying
3 weeks ago, the bank I worked for joined the annual Sportsfest of the association to which we belong. I woke up early and passed on joining the fun run. No thanks I said. When the games began, I excitedly waited to watch them all play. I had no plans of joining the games - at all. I was there to organize and support. Until...
There. Ever had people around you make you feel guilty? Anyway, all I heard around me was ..."For the sake of the cammaraderie"... and "Be a sport." I wanted to bail out but hey, for the sake of having fun, I joined and played table tennis - doubles. The last time I played ping pong was probably when I was in college. Geez. I was nervous, but I focused. And then...
We won!
There. Ever had people around you make you feel guilty? Anyway, all I heard around me was ..."For the sake of the cammaraderie"... and "Be a sport." I wanted to bail out but hey, for the sake of having fun, I joined and played table tennis - doubles. The last time I played ping pong was probably when I was in college. Geez. I was nervous, but I focused. And then...
We won!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
It Can Get Crazy, But Ironically, It Keeps Me Sane
When I started working, I asked my Mom why she worked all her life. And she said providing for the needs of the family was her primary reason aside from her love for teaching that is.Seeing her divide her time between work and the family is something I witnessed while growing up which I think had a huge impact on my choice to be a working Mom as well.
I saw her get up early in the morning to fix breakfast, she saw me off to school, she would have 2 or 3 classes a day, she would pick me up, she would prepare dinner, she would check papers, tests and quizzes before retiring for the day. And when I had my eldest, she would squeeze in a lot of time to look after him, bring him out or play with him.
She was very active in my school activities. Attending PTA meetings, staying up late to help me review for our quarterly exams, attending my taekwondo competitions, helping me with my school projects. As I got older, we would both crunch our brains trying to solve my algebra problems (we're both not too good with numbers), brainstorm with me on ideas for my thesis and help me prepare for class presentations.
For 23 years of my life, I saw her do that. Which is why I think, right after graduation, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to find work even if my son was only 2 at that time.
Her being a working mother was never an issue with my Dad. Which is why I think I found it not to be an issue at all with my husband that I worked.
She didn't need to say anything, really. I never hear her tell me that I needed to work when I grew up nor did she say that I stay home at care for the kids when I had my own family. Maybe she meant it to be that way, for me to see it as a choice. For me to realize what I am supposed to be - on my own. No pressure, nothing dictated upon me. Merely witnessing who she was gave me enough inspiration although I never really paid much attention to it. Only now that I am working and have my own kids did I realize how much love is required to last the day.
At the end of each day, when I come home tired and my feet hurt, before complaining, I quietly thank the Lord for my aching feet and tired body because I know my day was productive, I know that the work I did for that day was all worth it - for me, the kids and the family.
It may be a choice. Yes, I think it is. And I have chosen to be this. I do feel enormous amounts of guilt leaving the little one at home when I leave for work but I try my best to be creative when it comes to managing my time so that nothing is sacrificed.
My children are still young and I have a long way to go. There are days which end p being soooo crazy starting at 6 in the morning and seems like evening is so far away. Hectic schedules, busy lines, endless expectations, pressure. But asSusie said, you have to find you balance. And I think this is my balance.
One day, I will look back at all of this and I know I will find myself smiling, fondly remembering how crazy it could get. But right now, I will look forward to the impact I am creating on the lives of my children. Someday, they will appreciate it. It could be long after I am gone, but I know they will. Just as I have.
Thanks Mom.
I saw her get up early in the morning to fix breakfast, she saw me off to school, she would have 2 or 3 classes a day, she would pick me up, she would prepare dinner, she would check papers, tests and quizzes before retiring for the day. And when I had my eldest, she would squeeze in a lot of time to look after him, bring him out or play with him.
She was very active in my school activities. Attending PTA meetings, staying up late to help me review for our quarterly exams, attending my taekwondo competitions, helping me with my school projects. As I got older, we would both crunch our brains trying to solve my algebra problems (we're both not too good with numbers), brainstorm with me on ideas for my thesis and help me prepare for class presentations.
For 23 years of my life, I saw her do that. Which is why I think, right after graduation, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to find work even if my son was only 2 at that time.
Her being a working mother was never an issue with my Dad. Which is why I think I found it not to be an issue at all with my husband that I worked.
She didn't need to say anything, really. I never hear her tell me that I needed to work when I grew up nor did she say that I stay home at care for the kids when I had my own family. Maybe she meant it to be that way, for me to see it as a choice. For me to realize what I am supposed to be - on my own. No pressure, nothing dictated upon me. Merely witnessing who she was gave me enough inspiration although I never really paid much attention to it. Only now that I am working and have my own kids did I realize how much love is required to last the day.
At the end of each day, when I come home tired and my feet hurt, before complaining, I quietly thank the Lord for my aching feet and tired body because I know my day was productive, I know that the work I did for that day was all worth it - for me, the kids and the family.
It may be a choice. Yes, I think it is. And I have chosen to be this. I do feel enormous amounts of guilt leaving the little one at home when I leave for work but I try my best to be creative when it comes to managing my time so that nothing is sacrificed.
My children are still young and I have a long way to go. There are days which end p being soooo crazy starting at 6 in the morning and seems like evening is so far away. Hectic schedules, busy lines, endless expectations, pressure. But as
One day, I will look back at all of this and I know I will find myself smiling, fondly remembering how crazy it could get. But right now, I will look forward to the impact I am creating on the lives of my children. Someday, they will appreciate it. It could be long after I am gone, but I know they will. Just as I have.
Thanks Mom.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm Thankful It Came.
The rains started to pour on Friday night. I didn't quite notice the wind yet until late Saturday morning. We all decided to stay indoors since the weather outside didn't look too good. Monsoon rains in May, I thought. Come Saturday afternoon, the rains and winds were getting much stronger. I tried not to pay much attention to it, after all, it still is summer.
The lights suddenly went off together with winds that were strengthening. Was there a storm? How can there be a storm in the middle of May? Storms come in June, I thought. As darkness crept in, I realized and convinced myself that yes, I think there is a storm. I cooked in the dark with the help of candles. The kids tried to entertain themselves in the dark but not before long they were both scaring each other and then there was crying. I lit my candle collection on top of our piano, just to add a bit more light to the very dark house.
We could hear the wind blowing and the rain banging on the window panes. It was still pretty early and then I had an idea. I told the hubby that it would be great to "camp" out. So we fixed the mattresses of our beds on the floor, brought out the blankets and pillows and made space for all of us to sleep beside each other. The night was so cold but the moment just warmed my heart so much. We all had a blast finding enough space to comfortably sleep and surprisingly, we all slept so well.
The lights didn't come on the whole day the next day. It decided to come back on the day after the next.
With the lights back on, the sun came peering through the clouds.
After the storm came the sun. As it always does.
The lights
Monday, May 12, 2008
Ramblings...Writing Away
It was one that was marked in my heart. Young as I was, i believed I knew what love was. What it meant. And all I really cared about was the fact that this thing called love felt good. It gave me the high. Never mind if people laughed at me, why did I have to care? All I wanted to care about was the happiness I was feeling. I do not remember what was so memorable but it was memorable.
But as people say, nothing lasts forever. And so it didn't. At that time, I didn't know what was to come next. Was it finally over or was I just telling myself it was? I tried to forget. I tried to look for outlets to forget it, to forget him. I thought I did. I wanted to make myself believe that I was helping myself get better - get over it.
It lasted for a while. It felt like a long time but as I look back, it wasn't. I tried to distract myself. I met a person who tried to help me forget. And I wanted to believe that I was happy again. But hard as I tried, it wasn't working. I tried to focus and refocus but it didn't work. I probably tried to hard, until I guess I realized it wasn't worth fooling myself and the person who was starting to believe that he had found his happiness. It was a risk, a scary thing to do. But I had to let go and I had to make him let go.
And I did. I went back to my old happiness believing that it truly was my happiness.
Was it?
But as people say, nothing lasts forever. And so it didn't. At that time, I didn't know what was to come next. Was it finally over or was I just telling myself it was? I tried to forget. I tried to look for outlets to forget it, to forget him. I thought I did. I wanted to make myself believe that I was helping myself get better - get over it.
It lasted for a while. It felt like a long time but as I look back, it wasn't. I tried to distract myself. I met a person who tried to help me forget. And I wanted to believe that I was happy again. But hard as I tried, it wasn't working. I tried to focus and refocus but it didn't work. I probably tried to hard, until I guess I realized it wasn't worth fooling myself and the person who was starting to believe that he had found his happiness. It was a risk, a scary thing to do. But I had to let go and I had to make him let go.
And I did. I went back to my old happiness believing that it truly was my happiness.
Was it?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mom...
When I was little, you used to tag me along to your school where you taught. I used to sit in when you had class and soon, your students became my friends / baby sitters. I watched you work so hard everyday.
When I started going to school, you would wake up early each day just to cook breakfast and send me off to school. You would if you had the time, pick me up in school. You would do the groceries and marketing before coming home to make sure that dinner would be served.
You would stay up late helping me review, finish my projects, help solve math problems and read stories to me before going to bed. When I would fall asleep, you would finish the dishes before checking your students papers and studying for your next days lessons to teach.
You made me feel how proud you were of me even if there were so so many times I let you down. You stood by me during my darkest moments.
You taught me the essence of hard work. You taught me never to give up. You taught me to face the consequences of my mistakes. You taught me how to be a mom.
You taught me so much.
You left when I still had so many questions to ask you. But you had your reasons.
When I make decisions, I always think of you. I feel lost most of the time and I find myself looking for your presence. I miss you everyday. I remember you all the time.
I Love You Mom. I Miss You much more than anyone could ever imagine.
Happy Mother's Day Ma.
When I started going to school, you would wake up early each day just to cook breakfast and send me off to school. You would if you had the time, pick me up in school. You would do the groceries and marketing before coming home to make sure that dinner would be served.
You would stay up late helping me review, finish my projects, help solve math problems and read stories to me before going to bed. When I would fall asleep, you would finish the dishes before checking your students papers and studying for your next days lessons to teach.
You made me feel how proud you were of me even if there were so so many times I let you down. You stood by me during my darkest moments.
You taught me the essence of hard work. You taught me never to give up. You taught me to face the consequences of my mistakes. You taught me how to be a mom.
You taught me so much.
You left when I still had so many questions to ask you. But you had your reasons.
When I make decisions, I always think of you. I feel lost most of the time and I find myself looking for your presence. I miss you everyday. I remember you all the time.
I Love You Mom. I Miss You much more than anyone could ever imagine.
Happy Mother's Day Ma.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
After All, It Is Our Day
We celebrated it as mom-daughter for 18 years.We celebrated it together as moms for 3 years. I have been celebrating it alone for the past 3 years.
It'sthat time of the year again. I wanted to believe that it would get easier as the years went by. But not really, the feelings stirring in me are still the same as they were last year and the year before. Maybe it can be described differently, but the intensity is still the same.
The feeling of inadequacy has been so heavy lately. Wanting to turn to someone to talk to, to ask about things, to share stories with. Wanting to ask if what I am doing is right, if I should do something more, etc.
I guess being a mom now just makes me realize what kind of a bond only a mother and a child could share. It pains me to know that now that I want to nurture that bond with my Mom, I can't do it anymore.
Life was never explained to me in full detail-- after all, that would have been impossible to do. But growing up as an only child may have shielded me from a lot of the harsh realities of life. Is anyone to blame? And just when I was entering adulthood, the Lord decided it was time for Him to take away my parents. It was easy to accept in the beginning because just thinking of them having to suffer more (in the hospital) pained me too much. But as time has gone by, I have found myself questioning what this is all about.I'm not as strong as people think I am. And many times, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Or scream my head off. Or fall asleep for 10 years.
There are so many things I want escape. I'm yearning for that voice that could tell me that everything will turn out right. That things will be OK.
Each day I tell myself that later would be better, that tomorrow will be fine. Even if deep down in my heart there is so much doubt. It has proven to be very difficult to fight that doubt, to keep the faith, to believe that behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. Reality bites. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows and nobody will ever know.
It's
The feeling of inadequacy has been so heavy lately. Wanting to turn to someone to talk to, to ask about things, to share stories with. Wanting to ask if what I am doing is right, if I should do something more, etc.
I guess being a mom now just makes me realize what kind of a bond only a mother and a child could share. It pains me to know that now that I want to nurture that bond with my Mom, I can't do it anymore.
Life was never explained to me in full detail-- after all, that would have been impossible to do. But growing up as an only child may have shielded me from a lot of the harsh realities of life. Is anyone to blame? And just when I was entering adulthood, the Lord decided it was time for Him to take away my parents. It was easy to accept in the beginning because just thinking of them having to suffer more (in the hospital) pained me too much. But as time has gone by, I have found myself questioning what this is all about.I'm not as strong as people think I am. And many times, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Or scream my head off. Or fall asleep for 10 years.
There are so many things I want escape. I'm yearning for that voice that could tell me that everything will turn out right. That things will be OK.
Each day I tell myself that later would be better, that tomorrow will be fine. Even if deep down in my heart there is so much doubt. It has proven to be very difficult to fight that doubt, to keep the faith, to believe that behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. Reality bites. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows and nobody will ever know.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Chit Chat
With my boss on maternity leave, I have been manning the "battle station" all by myself. I try my best to be creative about the way I manage my time so that I get to finish the day's work and if there are some pending tasks left to do for the next day, I try to leave it at a minimal so that back log is avoided.
But the past 2 weeks have been a bit crazy. I have been trying to look like a headless chicken running around. As much as I try to keep my day sane, I have so far one big complaint to complain about.
So much of my time has been spent on the telephone. It's crazy. You sit down, the phone rings. Sometimes it is an important concern or issue but in between the conversation, there is always the small chit chat. You stand up, the phone rings. Chit chat again. While interviewing, the phone rings. And then chit chat again, of course I always have to be polite. Without my own secretary, I have no way of screening the calls. So even if the concern is not that important, I end up having to entertain the call.
Before I know it, half of the day is gone.
It's crazy.
And then the phone rings again.
But the past 2 weeks have been a bit crazy. I have been trying to look like a headless chicken running around. As much as I try to keep my day sane, I have so far one big complaint to complain about.
So much of my time has been spent on the telephone. It's crazy. You sit down, the phone rings. Sometimes it is an important concern or issue but in between the conversation, there is always the small chit chat. You stand up, the phone rings. Chit chat again. While interviewing, the phone rings. And then chit chat again, of course I always have to be polite. Without my own secretary, I have no way of screening the calls. So even if the concern is not that important, I end up having to entertain the call.
Before I know it, half of the day is gone.
It's crazy.
And then the phone rings again.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Eerie Changes
In our country, we basically just have 2 seasons -- the wet and the dry. The wet season covers the months of June - September when all the tropical typhoons hit the Northern part (where I live) of our country while the dry season covers late October - May. Summer for us is April and May.
It has been a month since summer has set in but I wonder why it isn't summer AT ALL.
Years ago, I knew summers as long, warm, sunny days. The normal temperature of the city where I live ranges from just 12 C to about 22 C. For us, hitting 24 - 25 C is HOT and a big bowl ofhalo-halo or a popsicle stick enjoyed with cousins would be the best solution to cool the heat. Unlike the rainy season when the sun would set by 5 in the afternoon, summer afternoons last until 630 or 7 in the evening. The cool wind that would blew in the afternoon would be enjoyed outside in the porch or in the small playhouse built in the middle of my grandmother's garden.
As I grew older, summer mornings would be spent taking up summer classes and then long afternoons would be spent at cafe's or bars chit chatting with friends. A cold glass of beer would be our solution to cool the heat - or am I being contradictory? We would always complain about how hot the weather was. Sleeveless blouses, shorts and windbreakers would be in our cabinets while our thick warm heavy jackets would be packed away until June or July.
April and May for me, would always be memorable.
But as I said, May has set in already and I do not quite know where the summer is. It has been raining since the start of April- everyday, even in the mornings. The small inflatable pool of the boys has only been swam in twice because by 9 or 10 in the morning, heavy grey clouds start looming above our skies. By 2 in the afternoon, thunder and lightning and heavy heavy rains cover our city. Umbrellas and thick jackets are always a must when I go out. I have not had more than 3 halo-halo's since April.
It is what we have been doing to our home -- Earth. I know this is just one of the few effects of all the trash we have been throwing, all the pollution, emitted by our cars, all the trees we have been cutting,etc.
I wonder if the "old" can still be saved. Is it still reversible?
Change can be good - as some say, but this kind of change, I don't think so.
It has been a month since summer has set in but I wonder why it isn't summer AT ALL.
Years ago, I knew summers as long, warm, sunny days. The normal temperature of the city where I live ranges from just 12 C to about 22 C. For us, hitting 24 - 25 C is HOT and a big bowl of
As I grew older, summer mornings would be spent taking up summer classes and then long afternoons would be spent at cafe's or bars chit chatting with friends. A cold glass of beer would be our solution to cool the heat - or am I being contradictory? We would always complain about how hot the weather was. Sleeveless blouses, shorts and windbreakers would be in our cabinets while our thick warm heavy jackets would be packed away until June or July.
April and May for me, would always be memorable.
But as I said, May has set in already and I do not quite know where the summer is. It has been raining since the start of April- everyday, even in the mornings. The small inflatable pool of the boys has only been swam in twice because by 9 or 10 in the morning, heavy grey clouds start looming above our skies. By 2 in the afternoon, thunder and lightning and heavy heavy rains cover our city. Umbrellas and thick jackets are always a must when I go out. I have not had more than 3 halo-halo's since April.
It is what we have been doing to our home -- Earth. I know this is just one of the few effects of all the trash we have been throwing, all the pollution, emitted by our cars, all the trees we have been cutting,etc.
I wonder if the "old" can still be saved. Is it still reversible?
Change can be good - as some say, but this kind of change, I don't think so.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
At A Loss
How great are you when it comes to getting along with you in-laws?
I admire families who have great relationships with their in-laws. I think it really is an issue for some. My cousin gets along perfectly with her MIL. They shop together, they go out together, they travel abroad together, she takes care of the grandchildren, they have long talks, my cousin can cry her heart out to her.
And you know what? I find myself envious of her.
I have tried so many times, to reach out to my MIL and my SIL's, especially after my parents both died and having no sibling, I really felt that they would be my second family. For a while I did believe it could actually happen but as time went by, I realized I was pushing it, I was trying too hard.
2 years ago, I suggested to my SIL (hubby's older sister), that we take an out of town trip to Cebu with my other SIL, the hubby and my eldest. We did go and we did have fun. I did and now I wonder if they did. A year after, I suggested yet again that we have another out of town trip to Boracay. Again, we all went. There are times when I tell them if they want to go watch a movie, to call me. Or if they wanted to go shopping, I was just a text away. Never happened. All those times that we actually went out or met up, it was because I contacted them and invited them out. When we do go out, it's as if we all enjoy each other's company. So I don't really get it why they can't be the ones to make the 1st move.
But for the past 3 months, I sort of told myself to stop. And true enough, they never got in touch with me. For Josh's birthday, I am not sure if they even did remember. In a month's time, my second one will be turning 2, I wonder if they will remember.
I have cried about it, prayed about it, talked about it, gotten angry about it, tried to laugh about it too.
It's sad because I love them and I care about them but I don't know if they want me to.
I admire families who have great relationships with their in-laws. I think it really is an issue for some. My cousin gets along perfectly with her MIL. They shop together, they go out together, they travel abroad together, she takes care of the grandchildren, they have long talks, my cousin can cry her heart out to her.
And you know what? I find myself envious of her.
I have tried so many times, to reach out to my MIL and my SIL's, especially after my parents both died and having no sibling, I really felt that they would be my second family. For a while I did believe it could actually happen but as time went by, I realized I was pushing it, I was trying too hard.
2 years ago, I suggested to my SIL (hubby's older sister), that we take an out of town trip to Cebu with my other SIL, the hubby and my eldest. We did go and we did have fun. I did and now I wonder if they did. A year after, I suggested yet again that we have another out of town trip to Boracay. Again, we all went. There are times when I tell them if they want to go watch a movie, to call me. Or if they wanted to go shopping, I was just a text away. Never happened. All those times that we actually went out or met up, it was because I contacted them and invited them out. When we do go out, it's as if we all enjoy each other's company. So I don't really get it why they can't be the ones to make the 1st move.
But for the past 3 months, I sort of told myself to stop. And true enough, they never got in touch with me. For Josh's birthday, I am not sure if they even did remember. In a month's time, my second one will be turning 2, I wonder if they will remember.
I have cried about it, prayed about it, talked about it, gotten angry about it, tried to laugh about it too.
It's sad because I love them and I care about them but I don't know if they want me to.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Thoughts 04.19.2008
(Palawan 2006)I love to talk, I love to express my feelings and opinions but lately, I have been loving talking to myself within me. Just listening to my own thoughts. Assessing what I have to say -to myself- before saying it out loud.
During one of my "me" times - which was in the shower after doing gym, it dawned upon me that which each birth of my children, a death was closely accompanied by it.
On January 7, 2002 which happened to be my Mom's 54th birthday, my 91 year old grandmother (mom of mom) passed away quietly in the hospital. On February 24 of that same year, my eldest was born.
On June 6, 2006 my other grandmother (mom of dad) passed away quietly in her room in the house of my Dad's sister. My 2nd child was 10 days old.
I believe that with each loss comes a new addition. That mourning is always accompanied by dancing in the morning.
1 month after I found out I was carrying my 2nd child, my Mom went home to her heavenly dwelling.
We realize that life goes on. It always will. For us, it may stop for a while but it will go on just as the earth will never stop rotating. Every sunset reminds of the sunrise we must look forward to. With every breath lost comes a new heartbeat. We are reminded of who we are and of who we can never be, of what we are and of what will become of us.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Fire
My Aunt informed me this afternoon that my cousin's apartment in Manila burned down. She called the house around 2am this morning. According to her, the top floor of the whole apartment complex burned down so she wasn't able to save anything on her 2nd floor. No shoes, no clothes, no nothing. The first thing she did was to move her car to a safe place. She was able to grab her laptop, camera and bag.
And that's about it.
The things in her 1st floor were "saved" but are all wet.
My Aunt goes down tonight to go see her. She will have to look for a new place and buy some things for herself. I packed whatever clothes I feel would fit her.
I am just glad she is OK and that nothing happened to her.
And that's about it.
The things in her 1st floor were "saved" but are all wet.
My Aunt goes down tonight to go see her. She will have to look for a new place and buy some things for herself. I packed whatever clothes I feel would fit her.
I am just glad she is OK and that nothing happened to her.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Not My Best Week
Last Friday, after gym, I took a shower before heading off to work. As I was locking the car doors, I started to see an aura at the left side of my left eye. I knew I was doomed. As I entered the office, I immediately searched for my migraine meds and realized that the puoch where I keep those meds were not with me. I immediately asked an officemate if she had a painreliever tab, luckily she did. So I took it. The aura was getting worse and worse and I just wanted to throw up. So I did. Out came the medicine. I took another one and tried to keep it inside me. But I couldn't. So out it went again. After about half an hour, I popped another tab into my mouth. I started work but in the middle of interviewing applicants, I would excuse myself just to run t the bathroom and throw up. Unlike others who are affected by heat or the glare of light during a migraine attack, I become very sensitive to sound. And some of my officemates were juts speaking so loud or laughing their hearts out. My head was throbbing. Lunch break seemed so far away. I tired to catch a quick nap while pretending to work right in fron of my boss --- didn't work. Come lunch time, I decided to go home to catch a quick nap-- I left the car and took a cab. I slept it off for a good 45minutes. When I woke up, I just had a headache. But I felt so drained--like a hang over.
On Monday. after coming from the beach, the lights went out twice- I was on the computer happily reading blogs. So I restarted the computer each time the lights would come back on. On my 3rd attempt, the screen of the laptop went blue and left me a message saying something like "check if hard disk corrupted." GREAT. I tried to troubleshoot (not a techy person here by the way) and after several attempts, I finally go the message: the hard disk did crash.
The next day, I went to the gym. I got great news. I do not weigh 118lbs, instead, I weigh 123lbs. I was 123lbs when I delivered the little one. AND THEN, they measured my body mass and body fat. The results: 20% of my total weight is composed of fat. How great can that be.
Yesterday, my boss met up with me and discussed some issues brewing at the office. Very petty and trivial things which in my opinion is so shallow. Too many other important things to focus on than such issues, but then...
Today was not as bad. I hope tomorrow will be better.
It will be.
On Monday. after coming from the beach, the lights went out twice- I was on the computer happily reading blogs. So I restarted the computer each time the lights would come back on. On my 3rd attempt, the screen of the laptop went blue and left me a message saying something like "check if hard disk corrupted." GREAT. I tried to troubleshoot (not a techy person here by the way) and after several attempts, I finally go the message: the hard disk did crash.
The next day, I went to the gym. I got great news. I do not weigh 118lbs, instead, I weigh 123lbs. I was 123lbs when I delivered the little one. AND THEN, they measured my body mass and body fat. The results: 20% of my total weight is composed of fat. How great can that be.
Yesterday, my boss met up with me and discussed some issues brewing at the office. Very petty and trivial things which in my opinion is so shallow. Too many other important things to focus on than such issues, but then...
Today was not as bad. I hope tomorrow will be better.
It will be.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Reasons Why I Heart Summer
- There is no morning rush (no school for Josh, remember?)
- The cool crisp air, the clear blue sky and the birds chirping just freshen up my day.
- No need to bring an umbrella for the afternoon rains.
- Each sunny day always gives me hope of a happ day ahead!
- The wash dries very fast.
- The afternoon heat is an excuse for an ice cream scoop or a popsicle.
- It is flip flop season! (when not in the office that is)
- No need for thick. bulky jackets.
- The kids get to play in the garden every single morning.
- Summer = Beach
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
I LOVE YOU
Thank you for changing my life.Thank you for making me appreciate the miracle of life.
Thank you for teaching me to accept my faults and admit them openly.
Thank you for making me a stronger person. Matured and wiser.
Thank you for making me more responsible and less self centered.Thank you for reminding me to be thankful each day for each breath that we take.
Thank you for softening my heart.
Thank you for teaching me to enjoy each days adventures.
Thank you for teaching me to be more affectionate and demonstrative with my love.Thank you for reminding me to be more thankful even for just the littlest things.
Thank you for allowing me to enjoy taking care of you.
Thank you for the joy and warmth in my heart that you bring to me each day.Thank you for reminding me of the beauty of uniqueness.
Thank you for amazing me.
Thank you for the smile you give every time which reminds me that yes, there is hope.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for allowing me to love you.
Thank you for giving me the best adventure this life has to offer.
Thank you.
I Love You.
It's A Me Post
Yesterday, I finally did something about my struggle. For the first time in 7 years, I did some decent exercise. Not considering chasing after a 1 year old or climbing after a 5 year old that is. It had been brewing in my mind for a couple of weeks already. I decided to get in touch with a close friend of mine who happens to be a health buff. I told her I wouldn't go to the gym alone and I am happy that she did say we could be gym buddies.
The next thing that crossed my mind was - when will I have the time to actually work out? The kids, work, the chores- how was I going to squeeze in everything and manage to spare an hour for myself to be able to go to the gym? But then I realized that everybody - whether mom or dad or daughter or grandmother- everybody is entitled to some "me" time. Whether you use it to just be alone and read a book, to shop, to go to the salon, to play a sport, to be with friends - in my case, my "me" time now is going to the gym.
I figured going to the gym after work would be too tiring and I would probably be too lazy to get myself to the gym after a long days work, so I decided that the best time for a work out would be early in the morning.
I joined the spinning class. You sit on stationary bikes and do "hills" as in like you are climbing a hill on a bike. I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously. My sweat just kept pouring like mad. It felt really good though. I felt so upbeat the whole day, no sluggish feeling.
Today I woke up with really really really sore muscles. I decided I was not going to push my body to the edge so I didn't work out today. But tomorrow I will go back. And because I know myself better, I decided to enroll and become a member of the fitness club so that I will be forced to push myself to work out on a regular basis.
On the weighing scale here at home (which happens to be very inefficient), I weigh 115lbs. I think a good +3-5lbs would be the more accurate weight. I plan to lose at least 10lbs.
After having children, some (like me) tend to forget to take care of their bodies. For me, it became an excuse to not take care of my body - my being "busy" all the time and not finding time to do something about it. I want to start living a healthier lifestyle- which includes a big part of my eating habits. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have been consciously taking more glasses of water. Eventually I would want to cut down on too much salty and fatty foods. Am not good at doing things cold turkey.
I hope I get somewhere this time.
The next thing that crossed my mind was - when will I have the time to actually work out? The kids, work, the chores- how was I going to squeeze in everything and manage to spare an hour for myself to be able to go to the gym? But then I realized that everybody - whether mom or dad or daughter or grandmother- everybody is entitled to some "me" time. Whether you use it to just be alone and read a book, to shop, to go to the salon, to play a sport, to be with friends - in my case, my "me" time now is going to the gym.
I figured going to the gym after work would be too tiring and I would probably be too lazy to get myself to the gym after a long days work, so I decided that the best time for a work out would be early in the morning.
I joined the spinning class. You sit on stationary bikes and do "hills" as in like you are climbing a hill on a bike. I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously. My sweat just kept pouring like mad. It felt really good though. I felt so upbeat the whole day, no sluggish feeling.
Today I woke up with really really really sore muscles. I decided I was not going to push my body to the edge so I didn't work out today. But tomorrow I will go back. And because I know myself better, I decided to enroll and become a member of the fitness club so that I will be forced to push myself to work out on a regular basis.
On the weighing scale here at home (which happens to be very inefficient), I weigh 115lbs. I think a good +3-5lbs would be the more accurate weight. I plan to lose at least 10lbs.
After having children, some (like me) tend to forget to take care of their bodies. For me, it became an excuse to not take care of my body - my being "busy" all the time and not finding time to do something about it. I want to start living a healthier lifestyle- which includes a big part of my eating habits. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have been consciously taking more glasses of water. Eventually I would want to cut down on too much salty and fatty foods. Am not good at doing things cold turkey.
I hope I get somewhere this time.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The Why Of It
There have been many many things going on lately - in my mind that is.
Have you ever experienced that? Just so many things to think about that sometimes you don't even know if you should think about them but they keep crossing your mind. And when you don't talk about it, you end up feeling like you wanna burst.
Which brought me to think about why exactly I blog. I admire crafts blogs, blogs full of yummy recipes, blogs which clearly have a purpose (battling an illness, children with disabilities, overcoming addictions, etc), blogs just simply centered around their children...There are a zillion blogs out there.
And so there, back to my question, why do I blog? Kept thinking about that. Well for one, I love to write. Since I was 6, I always had a diary / journal. I did find my diary when I was 6 and I could not stop laughing. I noticed that when I started writing, I would write about how I spent my day but my later entries contained my feelings for that day - I was 6. I still keep a journal where I write my inner most feelings, I keep it beside my bedside.
Back to my thinking. Yesterday, I was feeling really low. Really low. And I wanted so much to talk to someone but in the recent years, I have learned to choose what problems to share and to who I should share them with. And because it takes me such a long time to figure that out, I end up not telling anyone. And then around midnight, while l was tossing and turning, I so wanted to just let it out and I thought of my blog. But it was too late. And so I figured it out, I blog because this is my outlet. I blog because I want to write - it is my way of expressing my feelings.
When I first started this blog, I found this as my outlet to release the grief I was experiencing by the loss of my Mom and Dad. Later on, I focused on writing about my kids. But as I looked backed on my old posts, I found a lot which focused on me - just me. About my struggles, my feelings.
And along the way, I have found so many true true friends. Yes, although have never met you in real life, I feel that I know you. And you all have shown nothing but love and care.
And I thank you all for that.
-
And if I may just ask, do you think it is proper to talk about very personal things on your blog? Or is it something you keep to yourself.
Have you ever experienced that? Just so many things to think about that sometimes you don't even know if you should think about them but they keep crossing your mind. And when you don't talk about it, you end up feeling like you wanna burst.
Which brought me to think about why exactly I blog. I admire crafts blogs, blogs full of yummy recipes, blogs which clearly have a purpose (battling an illness, children with disabilities, overcoming addictions, etc), blogs just simply centered around their children...There are a zillion blogs out there.
And so there, back to my question, why do I blog? Kept thinking about that. Well for one, I love to write. Since I was 6, I always had a diary / journal. I did find my diary when I was 6 and I could not stop laughing. I noticed that when I started writing, I would write about how I spent my day but my later entries contained my feelings for that day - I was 6. I still keep a journal where I write my inner most feelings, I keep it beside my bedside.
Back to my thinking. Yesterday, I was feeling really low. Really low. And I wanted so much to talk to someone but in the recent years, I have learned to choose what problems to share and to who I should share them with. And because it takes me such a long time to figure that out, I end up not telling anyone. And then around midnight, while l was tossing and turning, I so wanted to just let it out and I thought of my blog. But it was too late. And so I figured it out, I blog because this is my outlet. I blog because I want to write - it is my way of expressing my feelings.
When I first started this blog, I found this as my outlet to release the grief I was experiencing by the loss of my Mom and Dad. Later on, I focused on writing about my kids. But as I looked backed on my old posts, I found a lot which focused on me - just me. About my struggles, my feelings.
And along the way, I have found so many true true friends. Yes, although have never met you in real life, I feel that I know you. And you all have shown nothing but love and care.
And I thank you all for that.
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And if I may just ask, do you think it is proper to talk about very personal things on your blog? Or is it something you keep to yourself.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Why It Is Better To Give
That day was just so filled with emotions. After Josh's moving up day, we ate out and then we dropped off the husband at the bank (where he works) and I drove the kids home. And since I didn't need to go to work that day, I was thinking of how I could take advantage of the free afternoon. I thought of running some errands and then gong shopping at the 2nd hand clothes store. Buthen I was having some hesitations about going shopping. And then I remembered my plan of sorting through the baby clothes.
As soon as we got home, I went through bags and bags and bags and more bags of baby clothes- marked 0-3months, 3-6months 6-9months and 12-18months. There so many clothes, I never realized how much I had accumulated over the past 6 years. There were more and more bags marked with 2T, 3T and 4T. I didn't touch those bags.
I was overwhelmed and wanted to just give up in the middle of it all. The tiny socks, the mittens, the itsy bitsy frog suits. seriously, how did my boys EVER fit into them. I found myself making 3 piles: clothes to be lent to a friend who has a baby, clothes to be given away and clothes that no matter what, they would be staying with me forever.
The little green rumper with duck prints made it to the "staying with me forever" pile. Both boys wore the first time they went to church. All the overalls made it to the same pile. It wasn't such a huge pile, after I finished sorting, I just had 2 bags full to put back and treasure.
The Pile of "clothes to be lent" consisted of neutral colored mittens, socks, layettes and rumpers because my friend's baby is a girl.
The "to be given away pile" turned out to be a mound actually. I packed 5 big bags.
2 years ago, the company where I used to work visited an orphanage (as we always did every Christmas where we have what they call the reverse caroling. We sing for the kids and instead of waiting for them to give us something in return, we feed them spend time with them and give diapers, milk, clothes and toys) and my plan was to bring the clothes there.
So I loaded them into the car and dove off. I parked right in frontof the gate of the orphanage. It is an old house which was just converted into an orphanage, a private institution trying to provide for the children's needs by donations and funding from non-government agencies. They facilitate international adoption as well. The name of the orphanage is Hope House.
I rang the doorbell and immediately a man came to open the gate. He was smiling although he looked a bit puzzled. told him I had brought clothes for the children.
"oh what a blessing" he said. And then he kept saying that over and over. After all the bags were unloaded, he invited me in. He said so that the kids could acknowledge me for what I just did. I politely said, no thank you. And then all the other staff members came to the gate and just kept saying thank you and how blessed they were to have gotten all those clothes. I said goodbye and told them I would be back with toys the next time I would go.
I got in the car and cried my heart out.
I was overwhelmed and wanted to just give up in the middle of it all. The tiny socks, the mittens, the itsy bitsy frog suits. seriously, how did my boys EVER fit into them. I found myself making 3 piles: clothes to be lent to a friend who has a baby, clothes to be given away and clothes that no matter what, they would be staying with me forever.
The little green rumper with duck prints made it to the "staying with me forever" pile. Both boys wore the first time they went to church. All the overalls made it to the same pile. It wasn't such a huge pile, after I finished sorting, I just had 2 bags full to put back and treasure.
The Pile of "clothes to be lent" consisted of neutral colored mittens, socks, layettes and rumpers because my friend's baby is a girl.
The "to be given away pile" turned out to be a mound actually. I packed 5 big bags.
2 years ago, the company where I used to work visited an orphanage (as we always did every Christmas where we have what they call the reverse caroling. We sing for the kids and instead of waiting for them to give us something in return, we feed them spend time with them and give diapers, milk, clothes and toys) and my plan was to bring the clothes there.
So I loaded them into the car and dove off. I parked right in frontof the gate of the orphanage. It is an old house which was just converted into an orphanage, a private institution trying to provide for the children's needs by donations and funding from non-government agencies. They facilitate international adoption as well. The name of the orphanage is Hope House.
I rang the doorbell and immediately a man came to open the gate. He was smiling although he looked a bit puzzled. told him I had brought clothes for the children.
"oh what a blessing" he said. And then he kept saying that over and over. After all the bags were unloaded, he invited me in. He said so that the kids could acknowledge me for what I just did. I politely said, no thank you. And then all the other staff members came to the gate and just kept saying thank you and how blessed they were to have gotten all those clothes. I said goodbye and told them I would be back with toys the next time I would go.
I got in the car and cried my heart out.
They Went Haywire.
My emotions, I mean.
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The other day was my 6 year old's moving up day. He finished his Prep I year. I was blessed to have been able to off set my rest day so that I could attend the event. They sang and recited a poem and danced and in the middle of it all, I found myself crying. There was again, a surge of emotions that rushed through me as I listened to their teacher say something about how fast the year went by for him and the children - how much they grew and developed. And the teacher thanked us parents as well for playing such an important role in nurturing our children. I was taking a video of the program and I found myself wiping my tears while trying to hide it from the rest of the crowd.
I imagined how much my Mom and Dad would have gone gaga over this event if they were still with us.
I could not believe how far we have come - me, my husband and Josh. I had him when I was 19, totally unplanned but wanted. When I delivered him, there was just so much love for him. It was not easy and I think raising a child will never be, but it has been, so far, the best adventure of my life. This school year he will be in Prep II and by next year he will be in 1st grade. 1st grade?!?
My life flashed before me. I found myself asking why this is my life now. Just wondering why, not asking for more not wanting less. Not expecting this or not wanting that. Just wondering my this is how everything turned out the way it is.
I will never get the answer, I figured.
-
The other day was my 6 year old's moving up day. He finished his Prep I year. I was blessed to have been able to off set my rest day so that I could attend the event. They sang and recited a poem and danced and in the middle of it all, I found myself crying. There was again, a surge of emotions that rushed through me as I listened to their teacher say something about how fast the year went by for him and the children - how much they grew and developed. And the teacher thanked us parents as well for playing such an important role in nurturing our children. I was taking a video of the program and I found myself wiping my tears while trying to hide it from the rest of the crowd.
I imagined how much my Mom and Dad would have gone gaga over this event if they were still with us.
I could not believe how far we have come - me, my husband and Josh. I had him when I was 19, totally unplanned but wanted. When I delivered him, there was just so much love for him. It was not easy and I think raising a child will never be, but it has been, so far, the best adventure of my life. This school year he will be in Prep II and by next year he will be in 1st grade. 1st grade?!?
My life flashed before me. I found myself asking why this is my life now. Just wondering why, not asking for more not wanting less. Not expecting this or not wanting that. Just wondering my this is how everything turned out the way it is.
I will never get the answer, I figured.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Ruby, July, Cancer
It's been a while since I was last tagged, thanks Angel !
The rules are simple:
1. Pick your birth month.
2. Bold the 5-10 that best apply to you.
3. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months (click here )
4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
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I am not tagging anyone but if you want to play along, do so. It is wuite fun =)
The rules are simple:
1. Pick your birth month.
2. Bold the 5-10 that best apply to you.
3. Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months (
4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.4. Tag 12 people from your friends list.
JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
I am not tagging anyone but if you want to play along, do so. It is wuite fun =)
Is This My Final Answer?
While leaving for work this morning, I noticed how "fit" my 22 month old's sweater looked on him. A month or 2 ago it still seemed quite loose on him. I told the househelp / babysitter to start bringing out the next size of clothes again. And then I told her to bring out all the baby clothes so that I can pack and give them away to those who need them. In the car, I told the husband about it and added that I would just keep the "memorable" ones, like the rumper Josh used the first time we brought him to church or Dash's clothes when we brought him home from the hospital.
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Later during the day, I thought to myself, how come it was so easy for me to say that I would give away the baby clothes of the kids already? My heart didn't feel heavy and I had no doubts as well. Does this mean I'm done having kids?
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During the weekend while driving home with the husband, I casually asked him, "Do you still want to have kids?" and to my surprise he said "I think it would be nice to have one more but raising a kid is definitely no joke- it is hard." This was the very first time we actually talked about "family planning." I told him that I would really want to have another kid but I'd want to get pregnant again the latest would be when I reach 28, by then the little one would be 4.
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And as I sit here and talk / write about it, I can still say I am still determined to sort, pack and give the baby clothes away. More than 50% says I am done with having kids - for so many reasons. A year or 2 ago, I wanted to have 4 kids- it was part of my ideals. But I guess a harsh hit of reality tells me to be a bit more rational this time.
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But IF maybe if in a few years we be blessed with another baby, then I will be more than thankful. But in the meantime, I will focus on my 2 blessings and try to be a bit better at this thing called parenting.
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Later during the day, I thought to myself, how come it was so easy for me to say that I would give away the baby clothes of the kids already? My heart didn't feel heavy and I had no doubts as well. Does this mean I'm done having kids?
-
During the weekend while driving home with the husband, I casually asked him, "Do you still want to have kids?" and to my surprise he said "I think it would be nice to have one more but raising a kid is definitely no joke- it is hard." This was the very first time we actually talked about "family planning." I told him that I would really want to have another kid but I'd want to get pregnant again the latest would be when I reach 28, by then the little one would be 4.
-
And as I sit here and talk / write about it, I can still say I am still determined to sort, pack and give the baby clothes away. More than 50% says I am done with having kids - for so many reasons. A year or 2 ago, I wanted to have 4 kids- it was part of my ideals. But I guess a harsh hit of reality tells me to be a bit more rational this time.
-
But IF maybe if in a few years we be blessed with another baby, then I will be more than thankful. But in the meantime, I will focus on my 2 blessings and try to be a bit better at this thing called parenting.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
The Birthday
3 weeks before Josh's birthday, he mentioned that aside from me bringing food to his school so that he could celebrate with his classmates, if he could also have a weekend party for family and friends. I did consider it but after talking with the hubby, we decided to ask Josh if he would want to go on an out of town family trip just like what we did for his 5th birthday.Josh agreed. And so we decided to go to the province of Ilocos, around 4 hours away from our city.
So we left at around 4am on February 23rd and arrived in Ilocos around 9am, just in time to have breakfast. And since the province is known for its longganisa (sausage) and bagnet (deep fried pork), we decided to hunt around for a good restaurant which served that. Apparently almost all restaurants and cafe's had it.
When the Spaniards conquered the Philippines in 1521, they stayed for 300 years and Ilocos is one of the few provinces in the country which was able to preserve the Spanish heritage left by the Spaniards many of years ago.
There was a whole street made of cobble stone, the town center still had their old Spanish style building and houses and they did have their traditional mode of transportation called the kalesa.
After eating, we decided to drive a bit up north (45 minutes away) to check in at a beach resort.
It was a beautiful resort with a nice pool and a nice beach. The kids basically swam for the rest of the day while I basked in the sun and dipped in the water a few times. We all had dinner by the pool while watching a mini cincert sponsored by the resort. Around 10 in the evening we all went inside the room, laid down and eventually all fell asleep.
The next day was Josh's birthday.Throughout the night, Dash was very restless, I figured it was because of the hubby's (VERY) loud snoring. We all woke up and decided to take an early morning walk along the beach.
Little did I know what was in store for us.Right after breakfast, I decided to pay the bill of the food that we ate, when I checked my wallet- it was empty. I panicked. I asked if anyone touched my wallet because at 9:30PM of the night before, I paid the food bill again and my money was complete. Nobody touched my wallet. I immediately called for the manager to report the loss. They frisked their employees and checked the locker room of the employees, no sign of the money. The husband searched our hotel room making sure the money was not misplaced (because it could have been possible that my 1 year old played with my wallet as he always does). Money nowhere to be found. I could not help but raise my voice at the manager because the amount of money lost was a significant amount.
We were clueless. The husband asked me where I left my wallet before I slept and I said I put it on the dresser beside the window. When hubby raised the very heavy curtains of the window, we saw that one window was open and when we peeped outside, you could see footprints on the sand.
So we guessed that sometime during the night, when we were all asleep, the robber was able to open one of the windows and probably saw my wallet and got the money.
We called for the police. To tell you frankly, they were not of much help at all. And instead of being empathic, they wanted to insinuate that it could have been because of our carelessness. To that I immediately objected. I said, if I lost anything outside our room, I would probably accept that it could have been out of my sheer negligence but to lose something that was INSIDE our room just means that they have a problem with their security. That we the guests, trusted that the resort did have the appropriate security measures to ensure that their guests were well taken cared of.
To cut the long story short, the money was not recovered. We would have wanted to stay another night, as that was the original plan but the husband and I were so pissed off. But then it would not be fair to the kids if we would allow that incident to affect the whole trip. So we decided to check out and drive down to La Union, another coastal town with beaches.
Talking with hubby, we said that probably there was someone who needed the money more than we did, in a way, we were able to help someone. Difficult to accept, but then what else could we do.
The kids had a blast swimming some more and the next day, we were all ready to come home.
2 Days Before His Birthday
3 weeks before his birthday (February 24th), I asked him how he wanted to celebrate it. As he we have done it during the last 3 years, he wanted me to bring food for his classmates, so I agreed. The original plan was for me to buy food at a local fastfood chain but thinking of how much healthier and cheaper it would be if I cook the food myself, I chose the latter instead.
I prepared chicken lollipop
I prepared chicken lollipop
And spaghetti
When I got to their school, his class was outside doing an outdoor activity, so I had enough time to set up the food in their classroom
Happy Birthday big guy 
When I got to their school, his class was outside doing an outdoor activity, so I had enough time to set up the food in their classroom
Happy Birthday big guy On That Day
OK, so Valentines Day...That was like a month ago!!
I was surprised when the husband sent me half a dozen red roses to my office.
I did initiate the idea of having dinner that night and he did agree but he made the reservations. We enjoyed the dinner buffet of sushi, tempura, black Angus steak and fruits which you could dip in a chocolate fountain.
It was of course, a hearts day I will always remember.
You know, looking back on that day, I realized I did not feel it to be anything close to romantic BUT it was such a perfect night. Nothing mushy or overly sweet (am not a huge fan of that anyway) but it made its mark in my heart. I guess after a while, you realize that love just isn't about what you thought it to be when you were younger (not that I am OLD). Just being with the person you love, doing what you love doing (which for me is eating haha) and enjoying the time together is what, at the end of the day, really matters.
And then you learn to appreciate what you once never paid much attention to.
I was surprised when the husband sent me half a dozen red roses to my office.
I did initiate the idea of having dinner that night and he did agree but he made the reservations. We enjoyed the dinner buffet of sushi, tempura, black Angus steak and fruits which you could dip in a chocolate fountain.
It was of course, a hearts day I will always remember.
You know, looking back on that day, I realized I did not feel it to be anything close to romantic BUT it was such a perfect night. Nothing mushy or overly sweet (am not a huge fan of that anyway) but it made its mark in my heart. I guess after a while, you realize that love just isn't about what you thought it to be when you were younger (not that I am OLD). Just being with the person you love, doing what you love doing (which for me is eating haha) and enjoying the time together is what, at the end of the day, really matters.
And then you learn to appreciate what you once never paid much attention to.
The Culprit
After what seemed like forever, we finally have our Internet connection back. So so so happy!!!!
What happened?
Well, after a zillion calls to the customer service department of out internet provider they finally did come to the house to check on what was wrong. They discovered that our neighbor, who is building a 4 storey hotel beside our house (yes, I am wondering why he was permitted to build such in a residential area!?) put up 2 water tanks that apparently caused the signal of the internet to be blocked.
But everything is okay now and I can't wait to start writing again -- I don't even know where to begin!
What happened?
Well, after a zillion calls to the customer service department of out internet provider they finally did come to the house to check on what was wrong. They discovered that our neighbor, who is building a 4 storey hotel beside our house (yes, I am wondering why he was permitted to build such in a residential area!?) put up 2 water tanks that apparently caused the signal of the internet to be blocked.
But everything is okay now and I can't wait to start writing again -- I don't even know where to begin!
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