Thursday, October 2, 2008

It Pays To Pay Attention



Now I do remember, years ago -- paying half of my attention to what my Dad was saying -- about my Dad mentioning to me how good an appetite I had. I was probably 12 or 13, when I was at the peak of my growth spurt (if I could call it that, given that I only reached 4'11 1/2). If I do remember correctly, I was eating a snack while he was watching me eat. He went on saying something about how much his mother (my grandmother) would always have to have a food filled ref / cupboard --house in general -- to make sure she kept her 2 (forever) growing boys well fed.
resources running low

Really, I wish I payed close attention to what my Dad said and asked the necessary questions. I wish I paid more attention to what he was saying so that I could also ask my grandmother for advice / tips later on.

Based on my personal experience, it is a MUST when you have boys in the house to make sure that the house NEVER runs empty on food. NEVER. OR ELSE.

My boys are constantly eating / grazing / chewing on something. And if the monthly grocery hasn't been done and they go hungry, they give me the saddest / cheated on a million times / abandoned on the streets / left to fend on their own looks which totally makes me feel like the worst mother in the universe.

Well, I'm off to do the grocery.

I just got the "look" last night.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

This Icky Feeling

I knew it. I just knew it. But I never learn! I totally jinxed myself AGAIN. After posting how my pregnancy was going pretty well I came down with the worst colds which was accompanied by an itchy-scratchy throat and had my head aching for the past 3 days. Yesterday at work, my backed started to ache so much that I started to cry.
I went for my check up yesterday. So far, I haven't gained weight BUT the baby is growing. I got to hear the heart beat as well. I was prescribed antibiotics as well.
And with my boss being on leave, I had to go to work this morning. But I really couldn't take it anymore so I took the half day off. Eeech.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

For Some Reason

2 years ago, I started this blog. For many reasons -- I thought it was an awesome way of keeping a diary and an even "awesomer" way of meeting great people on line. And I have. And I am thankful that I have developed special ties with some people who even if I have never met in real life, seem like I have known them forever. I have shared my life on this blog and you all have shared your lives with me too. And I am grateful.

Lately though, a number of people I have come to love seem to have grown distant for reasons I don't know. Some have decided to go private with their blogs, some have chosen to suddenly remain silent and some may have completely lost interest. And I do wonder why. At times I think if I'm the problem? I try to think of possible reasons why they decided to do such, was it because of me? What pushed them to suddenly be such?

Maybe they've outgrown it? Maybe they got tired?

I may never get the answers. It will forever remain unsolved. But to all of you who have remained true, please just know I that I am thankful and I'm glad we met.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My First...

... Pregnancy update that is. Funny how I haven't really talked about all my pregnancy symptoms in detail yet.

So far, I'm pretty much done with nausea, throwing up, migraines (oh crossing my fingers I don't want to jinx it!), sensitivity to smell and adverse dislike for certain foods. Thank God.

I am now on to bidding farewell to my high heels and pencil cut skirts and saying hello to unbuttoned pants and maternity tops. Together with this comes a truckload of laziness and whole face covered with zits.

Insomnia has come around the corner too. I've found myself awake at 2 or 3 in the morning so full of energy, as if my mind were so alive. Give it an hour or 2 and then I find myself in dreamland having the hardest time kicking myself awake to get ready for work.

The baby has been doing its job of kicking every once in a while. I feel light flicks through my tummy throughout the day. Pretty exciting.

And then there's this whole paranoia thing I have also been facing. The what if's. What if the baby isn't healthy? What is it comes out not complete? What if there's something wrong? what if I have a miscarriage? Gaaaad.

I've been doing pretty normal for a pregnant gal so far.

No tummy pictures yet. Soon.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

TOUGH

How does one collect oneself after giving birth and get ready to leave a baby barely 3 months old with a babysitter for 9 hours a day?

This was a nightmare I was faced with 2 years ago. I thought it would be easy. After a whole month of staying at home, I felt bored and thought I was ready to go back to my "old" day schedule. Surprisingly, as my 78th day of leave slowly approached, I found myself dreading the thought of walking out of the house at 730 in the morning leaving my baby all day. Although blessed with a bay sitter who had been with us for 4 years, I knew it was still my role to primarily watch over and take care of my children.

The day did come and I tell you, I was filled with an insurmountable amount of guilt. At work, my stomach felt queasy and I would feel my heart skip a beat every once in a while. A lot of my officemates assured me that that's the way things really are now a days, that both parents really have to work to support the family. Words of encouragement would make me feel better for a split second.

I would rush home for lunch to feed the baby and leave as much milk as I could for the next 5 hours I would be away again. B the time I would get home, I would be exhausted from work but I still knew that there would still be so much to do until both children would finally settle down to sleep. And then of course, there would be the wee hours in the morning feedings until the baby was about a year old.

2006 was a tough year. I felt the need to prove myself to myself and to many other people that I knew what I was doing and I could manage to do what I knew I needed to do. And when I would feel I would fail, I felt I would spiral into a depression -- a feeling of not being good enough.

It was a dark period in my life. As if I were drowning.

I dread having to feel that way again. March is just around the corner. Before I know it, the 3rd baby will be in my arms. And soon, I will dread the countdown to my last day of maternity leave before 2006 will flash before my eyes again.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

One Of Life's Toughest Choices

There's a new book out and I so want to read it. It's entitled The Comeback. It's a compilation of stories of women who left their careers to focus on family and after raising their children, decided to make a comeback in their careers.

I cannot speak for the book since I have not read it. But the topic feels very close to my heart because I am a working mom.

In developing countries like ours, it is almost impossible for both parents not to work to earn to support the family. I may be blessed to have a job which I love doing, which is related to the degree I earned and which I see as the career I would want to see myself continue to grow in. But there are so many other people who work because they simply have to. Because if they don't, their families will not have anything to eat. Because again, in countries like where I live, finding a decent job which pays enough is scarce so a lot of people settle for any job that would pay them even just the minimum.

And sadly, discrimination still looms over our heads. Especially for us women. I have seen it. Women who are married with children, married without children or single with children have a harder time looking for a job. Which is why some women upon finding out their pregnant, feel like the life that lies ahead for them is doomed. Others completely lose their confidence after giving birth and decide not to give their careers a second chance.

Motherhood can never be described. To define its importance would be insulting. YET, our government has failed to recognize its importance. If we deliver via normal deliver, we are only given 60 days of maternity leave. If it is via C-section, we have 78 days. The baby will barely be 3 months old by then. There are so many effects felt by both the mother and the baby.

When a mother goes back to work, there is a insurmountable amount of guilt felt. Should I? Shouldn't I just stay home and be with the baby? But if I don't go back to work, who will still want me after 3 years of being at home? You will no longer have negotiating power.

Some spiral into depression. Others go about in their daily routines in confusion. Some question their worth. Some choose to be indifferent. Others adapt beautifully.

But deep in our hearts, we question ourselves. Is it all worth it?

What IS all worth it?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So Many Questions...But The Answers Are So Few

Josh: Mom, who were the very first people in our city long, long, long ago. Like very long, long, long, long - the very first - long, long ago?

Me: (silence. thinking of an answer. but before I could answer...)

Josh: I think it was God.

Me: Uh Huh...

And then he cuts me off again.

Josh: How did God create people? Did he use mechanics? Or clay?

Me: (Carefully putting my thoughts together to avoid a very lengthy conversation which could last for months on just that topic)

But alas, he couldn't wait for my answer.

Josh: You're having a hard time thinking, huh?

Me: ....

Josh: I'm gonna go with clay.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

All Together Now

Want a jaw-dropping-shake-your-head-in-disbelief moment?

Nanny carrying probably a 10 - 11 month old baby. Grandmother pushing stroller. Mother walking behind them. In maternity clothes. Probably 5 or 6 months pregnant.Not sure.

Grandmother parks stroller. Mother sits down and asks for the menu. Nanny and baby sit down.

They get comfortable.

Mother flicks the match and lights her Marlboro. Grandmother asks for a stick and does the same.

Near by, a 26 year old woman, 3 months pregnant drops her jaw and shakes her head in disbelief.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I Can See It Coming

And then from the speakers came...

.... Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Ack!

I mean seriously? Is Christmas already around the corner? I counted, we have 111 days to go but the memories of Christmas '07 still seem so fresh. Morning shows keep featuring everything about Christmas. From where to score beautiful / cool / cheap Christmas decors to tips about how to come up with a reasonable Christmas shopping list without having to max out all your cash.

I can't believe that soon, we will be planning the Christmas dinner menu again. Wrapping gifts - oh no, thinking of ways of how to hide the gifts from the kids and then finding the perfect time in the middle of the dead of the night to wrap them.

It is happening, The 'ber" months have set the mood. Early, early sunsets, the chilly air that greets you when you step outside.

3 more months before we close 2008.

Has is it been a good year for you so far?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Times When We Don't Meet Eye To Eye

Josh: Mom, let's play the guessing game! You go first!

Me: Ok. Guess who's blue...

Josh: Blue! (of Blue's Clues)

Me: Nope. He has a red nose. Long skinny arms and legs.

(silence)

Me: Ok, he's a puppet monster.

(silence)

Me: Kids love him (hopeful voice)

Josh: Who's that??!!!

Me: Grover! (Geez)

Josh: Ok, it's still your turn.

Me: Guess who's black and white, is a cat and says "I tot I saw a........"

Josh: Tweety Bird isn't a cat mom.

GEEEEZ.

GAME OVER.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

And VOILA!!

Being a non-techy person, I never had the chance to play around with the lay out of my blog more so even make a header that I really wanted. Until last weekend when Shoshana sent me an email offering that she make me a header for my blog. I could NOT contain my excitement!

I "met" Shosh almost 2 years ago and since then we have been following each other's blog.

Shosh actually asked a fellow Pinay blogger
Cathy
to make my header. I think it was really really sweet of Cathy to do this even if she has never "met" me! I'm sure she had no idea who I was but was still so nice enough to make me a header!!

Go on over and meet them and send them some love.

Thank you so so much Shoshana and Cathy!! I love my new header!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

This Time Around

Pre- 3rd pregnancy.

I asked my friend, "I wonder if even when you have your 3rd child, you still feel the same level of excitement when you had your 1st or your 2nd." She said, "I'm not the person to ask because I only have 1." And then we laughed.

And then I got the answer.

Yes, it's still the same. Although the initial feelings upon finding out may have varied for me, "the morning after" feeling is the same. It's indescribable. Future plans just coming rushing to my mind, I can't help but start to imagine what he will look like, I smile and laugh thinking about what a riot it will be with 3 boys ransacking the house.

And after giving away bags and bags and more bags of baby clothes to the orphanage, I am excited to go shopping. After all, those clothes were already 6 years old. I think the new baby deserves a more up to date clothing line. There I go with my rationalizations.



It's been icky feeling time the past month. Food in general wants to make me throw up and the feeling chooses no time. For 2 weeks I would get the morning sickness sometime between 10am - 2pm. Lately its been 8pm till I get myself to sleep. And I am so so so so damn lazy to do anything. I worship lying down time.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In The Long Run


Last weeks long weekend (not so long for me since I had a job fair on Saturday) + glorious sunshiny weather, spelled B-E-A-C-H time for us. We decided to leave for the beach after church on Sunday.
While discussing plans with the husband in the car, my 6 year old decided that he had plans of his own. He wasn't coming with us. So I asked him where he was expecting to spend the night. He said he'd be OK at my MIL's. At 6, he had it all planned out. So after the husband spoke with my MIL and made the necessary arrangements, off to the beach it was.My 2 year old was going to be "an only child" for the weekend! It did excite me. All attention on him, NO FIGHTING (that's the best part), no whining and no telling on each other. How great would that be?

How is life as an only child?

My eldest had that for 4 years. All his baby clothes were new. All his baby things were new. All his toys were new. He didn't need to share anything to anyone. Family time centered around what HE wanted to do.

I have that life until the day I die. And let me tell you it can get pretty damn lonely. It wasn't a choice that she just had me. My mom lost one before she had me and one more when I was around 3 years old. Although I never had the latest and coolest toys or clothes, the one things I always had was the attention. Whether it was for something good that I did or something not so nice. All eyes were always on me. Growing up, I learned to play alone. I thought talking to myself until the age of 12 was pretty normal. When I did get to play with my cousins, fighting would always ensue. I never really understood what it meant when my Aunts would tell my cousins to "take care of your little sister." When I got older and shared secrets with friends and vice versa, they would tell me "you're the only one who knows aside from sisters name. When I reached adulthood and I became part of the decision making process at home, there was no need to consider other siblings thoughts or opinions. But the hardest part came when my parents died. The true essence of being an only child became so so real to me. Everything that had to be decided on was on me. The responsibility never divided. Shoulders heavy. Heart broken.
I smile just by the thought that one day, my children will have each other all the way.

Monday, August 25, 2008

It's Gonna Happen Soon, No Wait! Maybe Now.

My conviction to do so (very soon) has been strengthened. I got a good laugh after checking my googleanalytics account after like forever. And I found the following entrance keywords in my report:

1. three boys and a lady

2. 3 boys and a lady

3. "intimate bridal shower"

4. 3 crazy questions to ask from a lady friend

5. a love story about boy and a lady (take note it said boy)

6. boy feeling lady breasts.

The last 2 are totally child unfriendly! And this is not what this blog is all about. I found myself laughing at how ridiculous people can get. The internet IS a dangerous place.

Uh I think I'm changing its name now.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Reality of Death

Not once did it ever cross my mind to become a doctor or a nurse. The thought of having to memorize so many technical terms scared me. But the thought of blood, tubes and having to deal with internal organs totally closed the deal for me. It scared me. It scares me.

In 2004, I came face to face with one of my greatest fears. After having collapsed at home, I found myself standing beside my father who could no longer talk, in the emergency room of the hospital. Things for him went downhill so quickly. The next day, he was already in the ICU on the respirator, with a catheter and many other tubes inserted into his very gaunt body. His eyes were covered with eye patches after he suffered a stroke and could no longer control his eyes. His chest would rise up perfectly with the rhythm of the machine. All I could do was hold his hand and assure him things were going to be ok even if deep down in my heart I knew he was a goner. A DNR form was presented to us and it didn't take long for Mom and I to decide to sign it right away. The nurse just kept monitoring his blood pressure which was dropping by the minute. Then the nurse said he was going. The machine beside him just kept beeping until all we heard was one long beep.

How was I supposed to know that 1 year and 6 months later I would have to face almost the same scenario again? Standing in the ICU of the St. Lukes Hospital, I stared at her at wondered how long she had to suffer. Conscious but on the respirator, the tube hung out of her mouth as her chest, exactly like how I remember my father's, rose in perfect timing with the machines pumping of artificial air to help her breathe. Sweat trickling down her bald head. She was sweating profusely because her heart rate was so fast. At 180-200 beats per minute, her doctor said it was as if she had been running a marathon for the past week. With the sound of a drum is if it were coming from inside her body getting stronger and stronger, we found out that the tube had been displaced. Reinsertion had to be done. The nurses moved swiftly, closed the curtains. All I heard was her struggling. It must have been a blessing that I didn't see her during her very very last hours. After being revived, I heard her eyes were popping out and had no more focus. As if they revived her just so that family members could see her "alive."

The first few months after his burial and her cremation were hard. Much as I would have wanted to remember him as the man who when I would embrace him felt as if no one could hurt me, all I could see when I Wold close my eyes was his lifeless body full of tubes. Same with her. Instead of the energetic and full of life self she always was, I would close my eyes and see her 4"8 frame so pitiful on the hospital bed.

We can never really choose how we die. I given much thought to how I would want to go. In simple terms, I'd want enough time for closure with the people I love but I would not want them to be burdened with them having to care for a physically suffering me. I'd want to be remembered not by who I was during my last days.

But you know, death can never really be bargained. The when or the how. More so the why. Death is something we hate to talk about. We feel there are more important things to think of. We never plan for it. And because of this stigma, those who are left behind -- those we truly truly love, end up hurting so much.

Monday, August 18, 2008

"Geez" A Post Full Of Rants


It didn't take long before things around me started to get annoying and irritating. Most people were happy for me and the coming of the new baby but they always had to make comments like--

"Oh, you don't look too great -- looks like you're going to have boy."
"I hope you don't have another boy!!!!!!"
"Let's cross our fingers and hope it's a girl this time!"
"You're totally having a boy, just look at you!"
"Oh no! what if it's another boy?!"

Seriously, I am only on my 9th week. The stomach is still zero visibility. I am not yet wearing my maternity clothes -- because yes, my tummy isn't showing yet! My face hasn't changed - no swollen nose or dark circles under the eyes. 

I mean what the heck is wrong with having 3 baby boys? What is wrong with not having a baby girl if it really isn't meant to be? 

I know the hormones are beginning to show. Forgive me.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Numbah Thwee

In relation to my previous post,I finally think I'm ready to post the 2nd part.

So after I left the doctor's clinic, I called the husband to tell him how it went. I couldn't even finish the sentence because of the huge knot in my throat. Thinking it was something grave, the husband dashed right out of the bank and straight to the hospital to pick me up. I was finally able to tell him the story and then I asked him to drive me to the drugstore before bringing me back to the office. So at the drugstore, I gave the prescription and patiently waited. The pharmacy assistant came back and informed me that they were out of the anti-depressants that were prescribed to me. Darn, I thought.

For the heck of making sure, I asked for a pregnancy kit.

Drumroll please....


I had been feeling weird the past month or so but wasn't paying close attention to the already symptoms at that time. So I after calling the husband, I told my officemates and I called my OB and my closest friends. Everyone was happy for me.

I have been wanting to share this news since I found out almost more than a week ago BUT was held back by a surprising reaction by someone. When I told my cousin, she sounded excited / what did you get yourself into / why?!? Maybe she was just thinking if I was still in my right mind to have another kid given that times are tough, prices of everything keeps going up child care isn't easy, etc. She told me to post on my blog when I was sure I was ready because surely other family members (my aunts) would get to read my blog and would most likely ask me questions and so I had to be ready when they did ask.

And I decided to take a step back and refrain from being excited. I thought to myself, did I do something wrong?

For the next week, I kept silent and kept thinking about everything. And today, I realized, I am happy. I am ready. I am excited. I am blessed. And I totally do not owe any explanation to anyone at all.

This is my 3rd chance to improve on my craft -- this thing we call motherhood. I am embracing this role I have been blessed with even more. This baby may have been unplanned in the sense that we were not expecting the baby this soon, but definitely this baby is well loved and is already being well taken cared of.

Last night, I lay in bed while everyone else was in deep slumber and felt that tugging feeling in my heart -- I started to miss my Mom and Dad so bad. I thought, if they were alive, they would never have doubted my and my husband's capabilities of raising 3 children. In fact, they would have been elated. I said to myself, that is what makes the big difference between the love that a parent gives a child and the love that someone else can give you. A parent's love is unconditional. I whispered to myself, hoping Mom and Dad would here me "I wish you were here-- to hold my hand and assure me." I want them so bad to still be here.

And so we're on to baby #3! The past week has been full of so many pregnancy related stories that I can't wait to share. If I may just say, the "high" feeling is exactly the same way I felt the 1st time I was pregnant and the 2nd time I was pregnant. The feeling doesn't wear off. I am excited. I'm due mid-March. I think it's going to be a boy!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

It Keeps Him Busy --- It Entertains Us

It's a battle between...
The Dash Knight
And The Dark Tigger!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Clamming Up

Tonight, I am attending an intimate bridal shower / farewell / birthday party of a former officemate who has also become a friend. And although I should be feeling excited about all this (since this is the first time I will be attending a bridal shower {sheesh}), I'm actually stressing about the whole thing.

Why?

Because I will be going alone and I don't know most of the people who will be there tonight and even if I will see familiar faces, that's as far as our connection to each other will go. I am totally not a social butterfly who, upon arriving at a party or a social gathering will comfortably hop from one table to another introducing myself, excited to get to know new people. Nope. Not that type. I know it sucks.

I don't know, most of my real real real friends are my friends since first grade. With them I totally feel extremely comfortable and can totally be myself. I can pee in front of them, change in front of them, burp in front of them -- be me when I am with them. Since I had children, I have also sort of taken a step back from looking for more and more groups of friends. I do maintain a healthy social circle of people lets say at work but to actually actively develop as such friendships as possible, it has become a second priority. Besides, I have pretty much loved doing things alone OR with the husband and the kids -- without feeling sorry for myself.

Is that bad?

This may start to sound real petty but I am secretly hoping that things won't be too stressful for me tonight.

Oh, wish me luck.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Oh My 2 Year old...Oh, Oh, Oh

It is (crossing my fingers), I hope, just a phase. Oh yes it is just a phase. Yeah, totally just a phase. I need to convince myself that it is just a phase or else it's going to drive me crazy!

For my 2 year old, it's all about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's about it.

He wants to do everything you do from put deodorant to cut his own nails to put his own socks to cut his own hair (!) to feed himself to go down the stairs alone. He says, "Me! Me! Me!" He refuses any help from anybody and will squirm away from anybody who tries to help him any chance he gets to do so.

And the answers you get to all the questions I ask and answers to my statements are always a big NO!!!!!!

Do you want to eat?
Are you going to be a good boy today?
Can we go inside now?
Can I help you with that?
Can you give me that pair of scissors NOW?!!
Finish your food now.
Let's wash tigger!
Get down from that shelf!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Rain Rain Go Away!

It's been the 5th straight day of non-stop rain. It can make one's mood extremely gloomy, depressed and melancholic. The rain has its way of bringing about chilly winds that extract sentiments hidden in our heart that we would rather not want to expose.

But the rain can do it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

What The Pen Can Do


The son of an Ibaloi woman who belonged to a prominent family and a Japanese overseas worker who came to the Philippines to make a living, Sinai Hamada had big dreams - he went on to become a lawyer while he continued to write his short stories. But his biggest dream may, if I may just presume, came true when on April 28, 1947, the Midland Courier was born.

It was, in his best interest to provide a local newspaper for the city bearing in mind to always be FAIR, FEARLESS, FRIENDLY and FREE.

To quote: (As written by my grandfather when the 1st edition of The Midland was published):

We are born. This we announce humbly. We enter the fourth estate with no misgivings about our mission, believing we have one, or of our destiny, granting we have any. We aim to go somewhere, quite resolutely, but we do not beat our breast saying so.

As in most father and sons, my father Steve, looked up to my grandfather. Although he did try to level up to my grandfather, he just never did because, as one of his friends put it, "Steve tried to climb Mt. Sinai, but instead, he climbed his own mountain."

Sometime after Martial Law was declared, my father decided to give up his struggle with the corporate world and go back to his roots - to do that which he truly loved -- to write. He joined my grandfather and together they wrote for the Midland Courier.

As greed can often consume a person's heart and turn it as black as can be, the Midland Courier was ruthlessly grabbed from my grandfather by his own brother. Thinking he could carry on my grandfather's legacy, he tries his best but to no avail. Today, the paper which was born out of my grandfathers blood, sweat and tears is slowly going to the dogs. One day it will bury itself -- consumed in greed and ulterior motives. Completely forgetting why it was born in the first place. But revenge is not for us -- I believe in that Greater being who will take care of them in His own time.

As part of a family project, my Aunt came up with the wonderful idea of printing all of my Grandfather's column from 1947 - 1987 side by side my father's articles when he joined in the 1970's. Together with my cousin, we will maybe contribute our own ideas and thoughts - the inner most feelings found deep in our hearts to hopefully come out with a wonderful publication.

In the end, they will be vindicated.

This is for you Dad.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Coming Soon

I've got some pretty big news which although I totally want to share right now, will have to wait a bit.

Changing the name of my blog has something to do with it....

How have all of you been doing?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Part I ...But Part II May Take A While To Be Published

It was a regular working day for me until around 10AM this morning when again, I started to see an aura on the right side of my right eye. Again, I knew I was doomed. So I popped a tablet of advil and a tablet of exedrin. I knew the onset of the migraine was beginning. After half an hour, I popped another tablet of exedrin but the pain was just getting worse.

Determined to put a stop to all this, I decided to make an appointment with my neuro who treated me for my migraines when it began almost 9 years ago.

So I went. She initially didn't remember me, so she went about asking questions like -- could you describe the pain from 1-10, what meds have you been taking, when does the migraine usually attack. The Q&A probably lasted for 15 minutes. And then she said she doesn't seem to see any reason for my migraine attacks except for stress and tension. So she jotted down a prescription after making sure I was off the pill and was not pregnant. I asked what it was. The first was imigran, which I really take for my migraine. And the other was Sumitripan a very mild anti-depressant. I was taken aback when I learned it was an anti-depressant. She asked me if there were a lot of things on my mind or if there were things I am unable to release or unload. I totally just wanted to cry my heart out right then and there.

Monday, July 28, 2008

He Is A 100x More

Apparently, my 6 year old IS a worrier.

By mid afternoon of yesterday, the wind and rain was getting much stronger. While watching TV, we heard a strange sound. Like a small empty drum rolling down the street and then hitting a wall. So we ran to the play room and peeped out the window. Well to our surprise, we saw a very tall bamboo tree that cracked and was hanging on the electric wires. There were small sparks and occasional threats of it becoming a full blown fire. Well, it was scary. I tried calling the electrical company but to our dismay all 7 contact numbers were busy. So I called out local police station but all I got was a very irritating "OK" as an answer. So all 5 of us kept ourselves glued to the window watching out for more sparks.

Finally, after about a whole 15 more minutes of redialing, I finally got through one of the numbers of the electric company. I reported what was going on and the man said he would try his best to inform the team who fixes such since he was only the guard on duty. Frustrated is what I felt at that time.

But all through out, my 6 year old didn't leave the window. He just kept asking what was happening and everytime he would see the bamboo spark, he would jump in fear. I kept telling him to relax.

I decided to go back to the room and go back to reading a book but my 6 year old stayed on. He decided to wait it out and watch what was happening. And then as if a bigger drum were being rolled down the street and it finally banging on a wall, the lights finally went out after a huge explosion like light. My 2 year old completely lost interest half an hour ago, I was in the room reading, the husband was in the room as well. But my 6 year old was still by the window.

By dinner time, we had to call my 6 year old to the table. He started to ask if anything could be done and if so, if it could be done NOW. I told him the people in charge were probably on their way. And then he suggests, "Why don't we just have all the trees cut instead? So that there will be no more trees that can fall on electric wires?" I said that wasn't possible. Sensing his anxiety, I hugged him and told him to just pray. At around 8 in the evening, while still by the window, he happily announced that there were some guys fixing the problem already. So again, we all went to check it out. Seeing that they were taking care of the problem, we all went our different ways. But not my 6 year old, he stayed on and made sure the job was done. All throughout, he kept updating us about the rains, the wind, the sparks and what the men outside were doing.

After about 30 minutes, the lights finally went back on. Then my 6 year old asked if it was really necessary that the men leave. "Why not make them stay and make sure nothing like that will happen again?" I tried to assure him that everything was going to be OK. He goes on to say " This is the worst day ever."

At 6 this morning, I saw my 6 year old in their playroom, by the window, looking out, checking out the bamboo trees. With the winds still gusty and the rains still pouring, I asked him if he was still worried. Poor guy. Well, he said he still was and said "This is another horrible day."

It runs in the family. I got it from my Mom. He got it from me.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

There Is Such A Thing As Too Much

There are certain things I will never understand in this lifetime, one of which is the need for one to overwork her/himself regardless of whether they are single/married/married with kids/single with kids. Is it an addiction? Is it a need? Does it make them feel complete?

I have seen how much it can hamper so much aspects of a person's life and the sad part is, they are always so damn proud of "the way they work." Most people leave the office 20-30 minutes after official work hours. Workaholics can go as late at 10 or 11 in the evening and come in to work at least an hour before the day officially begins. You try to invite them for dinner or coffee after work but instead they prefer to stay on in the office. Sometimes, during breaks, you will hear them complaining about how much more work they still have to finish. It never ends.

Weekends for them are spent again, in the office. Saturdays or Sundays are just like any normal working day for them.

But the sad fact will stand. When a loved one dies, your life will never ever be the same again. and it may even take you months or years to recover and move on. But when you die, the company you work for may take a minute or 2 to remember you and give honor to you. But the next day, life will go on.

I wish people would start realizing what their real priorities are in life. What should truly matter.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

On Having Boys

"Up up up!" Says the little one
"Look Ma!" says the other.


I say, "Go ahead. Climb higher. But don't cry if you fall." I shake my head and sometimes still can't believe all this. I wonder what else is in store for me 10 years from now.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I Just Can't Kick It

I think it's creeping back -- my addiction....

TO BLOGGING. It's 6:22 AM, it's a schoolday, it's the hubby's birthday (he's still blissfully snoring in dreamland), I'm trying to get my 2 year old to eat his breakfast (but all I get are a zillion ME's and a trillion NO's) and voila! here I am in front of my laptop stealing as much time as I can to read all your blogs.

Well...all you have a nice day ahead and I will see you tonight when I get back from work.

Very addicting.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Reality Bites-- OUCH!

Such realizations have been lingering in my mind over the past couple of months but I guess, just like any other person, the first step when it comes to accepting the truth is -- denial. Which is what I have been wallowing in for the past months as well.

I always thought I was the "housewifey" type of person which for a time I was dreaming of becoming. I loved the idea of being able to focus on the kids 100% of the time, being able to prepare a menu for the week, being able to do the grocery on a weekday, be able to have craft time with the kids on a regular basis. But no. I am just not that person.

First of all, I suck at cooking. I love cooking as in I really do -- but apparently those who eat my cooking would beg to disagree. I know. I love looking for new recipes and buying the ingredients for it but the outcome just doesn't add up to the expectations of those who have to eat it. And unlike others who can whip up a meal out of scratch and instinct when it comes to the ingredients they put in it, I on the other hand, always need a cookbook. There I said it. I am not the type of after whipping up a whole meal, I leave my family or guests clamoring to find out how I cooked such a delicious meal or family members requesting me to cook it again the soonest I can because they just can't get enough of it. I'm glad I have a househelp whom I can totally rely on when it comes to the cooking. I leave the kitchen to her. I can chop and slice and peel if she wants me to but I leave the cooking itself to her.

And I am so not good when it comes to crafts or the art of doing it. Again, crafting ideas don't just pop out of mind as if a light bulb just went on. If and when I do get the chance to do crafts, it is ALWAYS taken out of a crafts book or magazine. I think a big part of this is because I am such a disorganized person. I would love to have all my things in order -- if somebody did it for me. I know, I suck. But for me to actually get up and start labeling containers and putting some order to my things-- you could wait till forever. Although I am working on it. I started with my closet and my shoes. The toy room of the kids still gives me palpitations just looking at the volume of toys that need organizing.

Those are just 2 of the many many realizations I have to face with and have gotten the courage to talk about and admit and finally say that nope, I am sorry but in that aspect, I totally suck but I will try to be better at it but do not expect drastic changes.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Still Puzzled


3 days ago, I saw this under our car--- didn't want to touch it more so have anything to do with it but it obviously had something to do with us. Freaked out, I went inside the house to get my camera and I called my 6 year old to take a look at it.
All I got was a : Hahahahahaha KEWL! answer from him like it was one of the greatest things in the world.
So then I called the husband and left him to do the rest.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Delish. Try It.


The ingredients may sound a tad too rich but once in a while, treat yourself!

Yummy Ceasar Salad


You will need:

(for 2-3 people)

  • 2-3 garlic cloves
  • 3 egg yolks
  • 1 tsp prepared mustard
  • 1/2 cup corn oil
  • 1 slice anchovy
  • 2 calamansi (lemon)
  • 1 tsp vinegar
  • regular pepper
  • crushed peppercorns
  • 3 TBS or more Parmesan cheese
  • 3 large tsp bacon bits
  • 2 small salad bowls of lettuce
  • croutons
  1. Crush garlic.
  2. Add unbroken egg yolks - one at a time.
  3. mustard
  4. Blend oil slowly (should be done in only 1 direction all through out).
  5. crush anchovy
  6. mix other ingredients.
* Best if you use a wooden salad bowl when making the dressing.
* For the croutons, I just toss in 3 or 4 slices of whole wheat bread in the toaster and toast them for 2 minutes 2 times. Wait for it to harden and then cut into small squares.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Every Once In A While We Are Hit, Never To Be The Same Again

I remember around 2 years ago -- shortly after I gave birth to my second boy, I went through something. I don't quite think it was a major bout of depression or full blown post-partum blues, it was more like a little feeling of inadequacy, a pinch of restlessness here and a handful of insanity on the other side. I felt like my life was out of control, always in a rush and I always felt tired --physically and emotionally. I wasn't quite sure about how to handle all the new changes and adjustments. And as everybody had told me before, today I look back at all that and smile. Probably until the next baby-- in like a year or 2. I'm saving that story for another post.

And again, as I look back on 2 years ago, I realize that I was surrounded by a lot of single people. Even if I trusted them and even if they were there to hear me out, how was I supposed to expect them to understand and empathize with me? I mean yes they listened to me but what could they say? Which is why I probably felt a little worse because I felt that I was the only one going through such things.

Talk about 2 years after 2 years ago. Surrounded my workmates who have families. And blessed with 2 more very close friends who are due sometime 3rd quarter of this year and new blogging mommy friends, I feel I'm no longer alone in the boat. Suddenly, there's a whole ark full of people who totally are speaking my same language of milk and diapers and pre-school and work and domestic squabbles and heartaches and heartbreaks once in a while. And it really feels so good to know that it's OK to sometimes think you're going insane because you feel you can't wake up in the middle of the night to give milk to your screaming toddler and wake up at 6 in the morning so that you can work out in the gym right before rushing off to work while thinking of your pre-schooler in school and before you know it you're home in your apron cutting up the chicken and preparing the vegetables for dinner. And it's OK for to whine about the husband because you know they will do exactly the same.

I know I have been a mother for 6 1/2 years already--to 2 boys, but I honestly think that now, I am slowly beginning to fully embrace the beauty and responsibility of motherhood. Not that I have never realized my being a mother in the past but just to be true to myself and to everyone else, I now know why I was given children and why I love having children and why I am so thankful for being blessed to be a mother. And slowly, I will continue this journey in the hope of realizing many more things.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Little Breaks Can Go A Long Way

At the beach.
Long weekend.
No school tomorrow.
No work tomorrow.
No rushing.
TV all I want.
WiFi all we want.
Kids are totally happy - sleeping late, eating chips and swimming till their skin are all wrinkled.
No need to clean.
No worrying about dinner.


Life can be sweet.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Sometimes, That Is All We Need.

Well my birthday leave was great. The day went by pretty fast but I didn't feel as if things were rushed. I got to do a lot of "me" time. Thank you all for all your greetings and warm thoughts sent my way during my big day. I love you all! And I know you know who you "all" are.

So the next day, I went back to work. Still feeling the "birthday" spirit in my blood, I was taking things lightly and was being so thankful about almost everything. So while leaving the bank to grab a quick bite for lunch,I saw an elderly couple - in their early 70's maybe, who probably had been standing in front of the ATM machine since like forever. They both looked confused. I smiled at them and then the old lady approached me asked me how to use the machine. It's nothing really new, after all ATM machines were non-existent 20 years ago. So I walked them through the whole process until they got their money. When the transaction was done, the woman and the man smiled at each other, thanked me and then walked away holding hands.

They looked lovely.Heart totally melted.

Really amazing. How many people have I met in my lifetime who, in their golden years, stayed married --happily married and still with the twinkle in their eyes. I couldn't stop smiling.

5 years down the road of marriage, a zillion bumps in the road, a thousand crossroads that we had to face and one incident that made me suddenly believe in forever.

I am thankful.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Yipee! Yahoo!


Around 2 weeks ago, while at the gym, there were these women -- 4 or 5 of them --- chit chatting. So while getting ready to work out, I well, started listening to their conversation.

It went a little something like this:

Woman1: Hey! So what time do your kids get off from school?

Woman2: 2:30. Hey aren't we...

Woman1: Great! Mine gets off at 3. Where's Woman 5?

Woman3: Woman 5 says she's on her way.

Woman2: Aren't we going to the salon after?

Woman4: I thought it's breakfast first?

Woman1: Where are we eating? I'm having my hair cut.

Woman3: There's a sale over at the dep't store. Let's go!

Woman1: So after gym, we eat and then...

Woman2: And then go get our hair done and then shop....

Woman4: So what are we having for breakfast?


For a minute there I thought they would notice my skin turning green with envy. Not because they were going to the salon or they were going shopping BUT because they had the luxury of time to do so ON A WEEKDAY. And even if it were a weekend, its as if you have so so so many other things to do rather than shop or get your nails done -- there folding the laundry, doing the grocery, cleaning up your closet. I mean, how great could that be? Not having to think about getting in the shower right after workout so that you won't be late for work, worrying about the amount of emails you have to read before actually getting to work, the reports you need to consolidate by lunch. Oh yeah, what to cook for dinner after a long day's work. And of course, how could you forget the children?! It can get crazy.

But today, I am on leave-- birthday leave! And I will enjoy every minute of today not thinking about work, the laundry, toys scattered on the floor. I refuse to rush things today. I have a great day ahead for me -- except for doing the grocery (which I love doing anyway), I have a whole day planned ahead of me. I'm going to laze around the house with the little one and then do the grocery after which I am meeting up with my former boss (who I heart so much) and we will be having lunch. I think I'm going to do a little window shopping in the afternoon before picking up hubby from work. Splendid.

I wish I had more days like these.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

July Five...Years Ago

Today, I turn 26. There, I finally said it. For the first time I did not NOT mention my age!

I am thankful for the year that was and I am looking forward to the year that will be. When I was born, I had no idea what was in sore for me -- how was I supposed to know about the happy times? Or the sad and painful? I never knew how complicated life could be yet how easy it could be to find joy in the simplest of things.

Slowly I am beginning to understand why there is no such thing as a manual for LIFE. Or a Life for Dummies book. Or a written code about how we are to see things in life. Each of us will always have a different way of looking at things, of dealing with things, of enjoying what we do not have and being thankful for what we have. Life. We will never be able to escape what it has to offer us - no matter how much we try.

It's 11AM and the house is still. No little feet running through the house. There are 2 little boys napping in the living room. And here I am reflecting -- pondering / wondering, has my 26 years of existence been a waste? NOT.

For the mistakes I have committed, I am sorry. For the people I have made happy, I am thankful. For those I love, I will always love.

Tomorrow I look forward to a new beginning. Scared as I am, I will face what it has to bring with a brave heart filled with hope. I close my eyes and quietly whisper a prayer.

Remember, there is always sugar to make our life sweeter.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Help?

The husband has been under the weather for the past 5 days. Fever, pain in the abdomen, pain somewhere in his right shoulder, loose bowel and gas, fever and chills. We feel it is being caused by gall bladder stones although he hasn't gone to see a doctor (!). Ahem. Anyway, someone who had gall stones recommended we try an alternative medicine treatment using Espom Salt.

Has anyone heard about this? Tried it?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cheers!

Now if this won't boost you immune system, I don't know what can!


(oranges, apples, cantaloupe and carrots)

They love it and I love making it, really. Most of the time, even before I can sit down and drink a glass of it, it's all gone. So I end up making another pitcher.

He loves the taste.

He loves slurping it up.

And, it's something they enjoy doing together. One of those rare times that the are not fighting / arguing / debating.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Things You'd Rather Not Have To Face

After 3 biopsies - lung aspiration, bone scan and lymph node samples -- the family finally got the answers. He had stage 4 cancer and they could no longer determine where the primary tumor originated. Whenever there would be free time during both our hectic schedules in the office, she would come to my table, hot cup of coffee in hand, she'd pull a chair and I'd bring out the biscuits. She'd talk and I would listen. She'd ask and I would try to answer. She would get teary eyed but her tears would never fall. I asked her why and she said she didn't ant anybody to see her crying, she wanted people to see her as someone strong.

I tried my best to bite my tongue but I felt I needed to say something. I told her I was that way a few years back, before I realized what true strength was. Everybody saw me as someone strong and I was sick of it. One day, I let loose. I cried and cried and cried and it felt much better. I shared with her my insights.

True strength isn't measured by out ability not to cry even in the most painful situations. For me, it's being able to express what you feel in front of other people because you know, in your heart that you are but human, You have feelings that cannot and should not be suppressed. But at the same time being able to regain composure and keep yourself together.

So i brought out the tissue. And she gave it a good cry.

Yesterday, she got a call from her sister. Her dad was in a worse condition. He could harldy breath anymore and could not sleep. He is 67 years old.

The family's initial decision was to forgo chemotherapy. After all, it would make him even weaker. But this morning, I got a message from my friend, sh was asking for the contact number of my Mom's oncologist. They decided to push through with some treatment.

This time, I bit my tongue. And kept my thoughts to myself.

Moments like these, I can't help but be thankful that those painful times in my life are over.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Keeps Me Sane, Really.

On the way to the grocery, in the car with my 6 year old son.

Josh: So, what did you want to become when you were young?

Me: Uh...A lawyer.

Josh: A lawyer!????!!!! (shock of his life tone)

Me: Yeah, like my Grandpa Sinai.

Josh: He was a lawyer?

Me: Uh huh. What about you, what do you wanna become?

Josh: A skyjumper!

Me: I mean to earn money (silly guy! Are you kidding me tone)

Josh: Ah, ok. A teacher! A teacher of little kids.

Me: Cool.

--- silence--- (which lasted for zero seconds)

Josh: Dead stinky worms make me feel sick.

Me: Uh, where did you see or smell dead stinky worms?

Josh: At home, while I was swinging in the garden.

Me: Seriously?

And then he laughs.

Ahh I need more of these conversations. They keep me sane.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The 2 Year Old Guy


It's been a month since he turned 2. From the day he was born, I knew I was in a for a whole new different adventure. He slept through the night (?), which lasted for just a week. But even if he would wake up in the middle of god knows what time, it wasn't such a struggle getting him back to peaceful slumber. He loves his breastmilk but didn't mind drinking it from the bottle as well.

Unlike his older brother who had me completely until he was 2, this guy was left at home with the househelp when he was just 3 months old because I had to go back to work. Official lunch breaks were spent speeding home so that I could feed him.

He walked before he talked and he couldn't sit up until he was 11 months. He hardly got sick and I'm thankful he doesn't have asthma. He was a good eater ever since.

Today he has evolved into such a character. He has a temper and is very determined. What his older brother does he always thinks he can do better. He is slowly developing a larger vocabulary. When I call his name he doesn't just come to me, he first asks "why?" When he sees food on the table which he loves, he says, "wow food!" He doesn't just have one lovey, he has 2 of them and he can't go to sleep with one of them missing. He says "uck" when he forgets to pee in the potty and demands he be "chucked" (changed) right away.
He says "I Wuv Woo!" And I say, "I do too sweetie."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Spin Spin Spin

It's been 2 months since I started getting serious about my weight and although it hasn't been easy, I've come to love it big time. Spinning has a lot of health benefits and the main reason I was drawn to it is the number of calories you burn in just one 45 minutes. As compared to using the treadmill where you usually burn between 200-400 calories in 30 minutes (running) or doing aerobic class where you burn between 500-700 calories in an hour, with spinning, you burn between 1000-1200 calories in 45 minutes.

Some say it'll make your leg muscle huge. Well not really, it will tone your leg muscles. Each teacher has their own focus. Like the class I attend on M W and F's focuses on stamina. All through out the workout, she keeps the pace very fast. I feel my heart pumping very fast. And the class I attend on T and TH's focuses on hard resistance. So a lot of the cycles for this class focuses on strength and agility.

With this routine I have been following for the past 2 months, I noticed that I sleep better at night and can carry a 30 pound toddler for a much longer time -- even up the stairs! I feel much better and have more confidence. Although I have only lost around 6 lbs, I can comfortably fit into a size 6 and can squeeze into some size 4 clothes.

Now dieting is a much different discussion.

Check out these sites and learn more about it!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Dancing On In My Heart

Because this picture posted by Momisodes brought back a lot of memories, I decided to go through that old box on my top most shelf of my shoe shelf which kept what was once very, very precious to me.
It all started one boring summer when I was 9. Tired of art workshops and the lack of a decent swimming pool in our city, my Mom decided to enroll me in ballet class. Everyday for 2 months, I would diligently attend a one hour class at a dance studio. When classes started, I started to feel that dancing ballet was a part of me. So I asked my Mom that I continue dancing.

Danced I did. When I was 11, I had my first ballet recital. But it was only when I turned 12 did I take dancing seriously. My ballet teacher informed me I was ready for pointe class. I was so happy! For the past 3 years, I only watched ballerinas on their toes with their pointe shoes pirouetting and perfecting their forme.

Ballet was all that mattered. I watched what I ate, I made sure I did not get too heavy, I grew my hair long so that I could easily pull it up into a bun. I was disciplined. I learned how to concentrate and focus. I would dance after class, when I got home. I would dream of the dance steps. I had so much respect for the art and I loved my pointe shoes. I would plaster my toes before wearing them, my toes would bleed - the bigger my smile would be. I was working hard at it. The audience didn't really matter, I didn't care about the blaring lights on stage-- all I wanted to do was dance.

Before long, I wore out my first pair. And then I got another.

Until I found another love.

I danced for 5 years. It remains close to my heart and will remain to be.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Never Under Estimate

If you have a toddler at home, do not leave anything you do not want him / her to get a hold of. No matter how much you think to yourself, "Nah, he won't be able to reach for it."

Given that there were 24 pieces of dunkin donuts munchkins in the box when I left it on top of the divider.
There he is not wanting to listen to my lecture.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Going Pure And Natural

I'm no health buff although I try my best to be sometimes, I have the tendency to forget. And with me turning a year older in a few days (gagging here), I've been thinking to myself that I ought to be more health conscious. Given that, lately as well, I have been witnessing death, hospitalizations and discoveries of illnesses of people close to those close to my heart. I found myself praying one day, saying that I pray I get to see my children grow well into their age when they will be old and independent enough for me to say that my stay here on earth has been well spent. And in the natural chronological order of things, a child buries a parent. And that's exactly how I would want things to be. Not the other way around.

I remember my Mom mentioning that she used the juicer when she found out she had cancer. And I knew that the juicer had been sitting on our shelf - collecting dust. And then one time, I bought a glass of all natural juice in a mall and saw part of its advertisement stating "5 vegetables and fruits a day can help battle cancer." And I knew that juicer on our shelf was waiting for me to pay attention to it.

So, I finally opened the dusty box and took out the juicer.Yes I was scared. There was no manual to be found. And all the parts were apart. So slowly, I tried to learn how to put it together--I finally did after about half an hour.

I cut up the fruits. You can actually use any combination. There is no particular recipe to be followed. From the normal apples and oranges you can experiment with other fruits. For this one, I used papaya, banana and pineapple. You can add carrots or broccoli. Whatever tickles or craving.

You can add water if you feel it is too concentrated. I added ice cubes.


I've tried mixing pineapple, apple and orange. Bananas don't produce much juice but just a few give a very strong flavor. A lot of juice can be extracted from apples, pineapples and oranges. Papayas have a very subtle flavor.

I'd want to try carrots, broccoli and tomatoes maybe. I read an article that uses celery and ginger as well. Anything can be juiced. And there are a LOT of health benefits! Forget about all the unnatural juice we give our kids! Natural juice contains natural sugar-- nothing artificial in it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Rainy Days and Mondays....

When you have a lovely / relaxed / wonderful / fun filled / nice weekend, you never want Monday to arrive.


Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go.

Not too excited about it.

Ahem, not excited at all.

Dad

Because you taught me to live by my principles -- by what is right and should be.

Because you taught me never to settle for second best. To do my best in everything I did.

Because you made helped me realize my potentials -- who I could be.

Because through you eyes I saw the importance of being passionate in doing the things you love to do.

Because you taught me the importance of integrity.

Because you made me see why an act of kindness should never expect anything in return.

Because you taught me to be.

Because you allowed me to cry when I needed to cry, to laugh when I needed to.

Because you protected me like no one ever did.

Because you are my Dad.

I think about you everyday. I look for your presence, especially when I feel lost. I always think of what you would have said to all of life's questions.

I Love You Dad.

I question why you had to leave. I wish you were still here to see the boys - you'd be crazy about them.

Because you made me who I am today.

Because you made me come this far.

Because you LOVE me.

I wish you were here.

I Love You Dad. I Love You.


I Love You.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

For Being You, Thanks.

No fancy presents this year, no planned out lunch or dinner out. This year, it'll just be the full appreciation of how much you mean. Thank You.
Happy Father's Day.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Them Cuties

Because this week has been emotionally draining and tiring and exhausting for me ---- I leave you with these, which make me forget all my worries.....

Monday, June 9, 2008

Where Can The Answers Be Found?

I wonder if it's wrong to remember the past, to dig into one's heart and bring to life what once was even if we fully know that that once will never be and can never be anymore. It becomes especially difficult especially when the memories you have stored are those which now you realize were the best part of your life and the pain grows deeper knowing that all you have left of that is a mere memory. And the not so good parts? Well, I guess, you will end up smiling as you remember them after all, that's what brought you here today after all.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.

Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.

I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.

That void. I wonder what is it.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

That Anger From Within

I got a message from one of my closest friends this afternoon. She was asking for prayers for Krystlle, her 14 year old niece (who I saw when she was growing up), who had cancer of the tissue. Krystelle had been in and out of the hospital for the past 5 months, the doctors advised against any sort of treatment since it seemed like it was too late already, the cancer had already spread.

I felt so sad.

After about an hour, my friend sent another message and said that Krystelle had passed away already.

How do you react to something like that. There was nothing I could say to make things less painful. What is there to say. There really isn't anything to say. It pains me to see people with cancer having to suffer. And it pains me more to see their loved ones left behind when they go.

Cancer is not easy. It is painful,in every aspect of it. But cancer patients are fighters. They give it one big fight and it is because of them that we are inspired to see life in a different way.

Cancer has hurt me. Cancer has pained me. Cancer has made me angry. Cancer has made me stronger. Cancer has hurt me.

Cancer took away my mom. It took away my grandfather. Cancer continues to take away so many special lives.


And I hate it.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Nope. Not. Really.

My nose grew an inch longer after I answered "I am!" to my six year old son after he asked me if I was a good speller. He's into spelling in school so I constantly play a game by asking him to spell certain words.

I suck at spelling. I cannot and will not dare compose anything if the spell check option is turned off OR if a dictionary is not beside me. It has been my struggle all these years. I was never a good speller in school. I disliked joining spelling bees. And until today, I do not have confidence in my spelling skills. I suck.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Josh spell man

Josh: M-A-N

Me: What about pants

Josh: P-A-N-T-S

Me: School

Josh: Hey Mom are you a good speller?

Me: Spell School

Josh: But are you? Are you a good speller?

Me: I am.

Josh: Then spell Clock

Me: C-L-O-C-K! See? I'm good.

And then he gives me a nod.

Well, for as long as he sticks to 5 letter words I guess I will be a good speller.