Yipee! Yahoo!

Around 2 weeks ago, while at the gym, there were these women -- 4 or 5 of them --- chit chatting. So while getting ready to work out, I well, started listening to their conversation.

It went a little something like this:

Woman1: Hey! So what time do your kids get off from school?

Woman2: 2:30. Hey aren't we...

Woman1: Great! Mine gets off at 3. Where's Woman 5?

Woman3: Woman 5 says she's on her way.

Woman2: Aren't we going to the salon after?

Woman4: I thought it's breakfast first?

Woman1: Where are we eating? I'm having my hair cut.

Woman3: There's a sale over at the dep't store. Let's go!

Woman1: So after gym, we eat and then...

Woman2: And then go get our hair done and then shop....

Woman4: So what are we having for breakfast?


For a minute there I thought they would notice my skin turning green with envy. Not because they were going to the salon or they were going shopping BUT because they had the luxury of time to do so ON A WEEKDAY. And even if it were a weekend, its as if you have so so so many other things to do rather than shop or get your nails done -- there folding the laundry, doing the grocery, cleaning up your closet. I mean, how great could that be? Not having to think about getting in the shower right after workout so that you won't be late for work, worrying about the amount of emails you have to read before actually getting to work, the reports you need to consolidate by lunch. Oh yeah, what to cook for dinner after a long day's work. And of course, how could you forget the children?! It can get crazy.

But today, I am on leave-- birthday leave! And I will enjoy every minute of today not thinking about work, the laundry, toys scattered on the floor. I refuse to rush things today. I have a great day ahead for me -- except for doing the grocery (which I love doing anyway), I have a whole day planned ahead of me. I'm going to laze around the house with the little one and then do the grocery after which I am meeting up with my former boss (who I heart so much) and we will be having lunch. I think I'm going to do a little window shopping in the afternoon before picking up hubby from work. Splendid.

I wish I had more days like these.

July Five...Years Ago

Today, I turn 26. There, I finally said it. For the first time I did not NOT mention my age!

I am thankful for the year that was and I am looking forward to the year that will be. When I was born, I had no idea what was in sore for me -- how was I supposed to know about the happy times? Or the sad and painful? I never knew how complicated life could be yet how easy it could be to find joy in the simplest of things.

Slowly I am beginning to understand why there is no such thing as a manual for LIFE. Or a Life for Dummies book. Or a written code about how we are to see things in life. Each of us will always have a different way of looking at things, of dealing with things, of enjoying what we do not have and being thankful for what we have. Life. We will never be able to escape what it has to offer us - no matter how much we try.

It's 11AM and the house is still. No little feet running through the house. There are 2 little boys napping in the living room. And here I am reflecting -- pondering / wondering, has my 26 years of existence been a waste? NOT.

For the mistakes I have committed, I am sorry. For the people I have made happy, I am thankful. For those I love, I will always love.

Tomorrow I look forward to a new beginning. Scared as I am, I will face what it has to bring with a brave heart filled with hope. I close my eyes and quietly whisper a prayer.

Remember, there is always sugar to make our life sweeter.

Help?

The husband has been under the weather for the past 5 days. Fever, pain in the abdomen, pain somewhere in his right shoulder, loose bowel and gas, fever and chills. We feel it is being caused by gall bladder stones although he hasn't gone to see a doctor (!). Ahem. Anyway, someone who had gall stones recommended we try an alternative medicine treatment using Espom Salt.

Has anyone heard about this? Tried it?

Cheers!

Now if this won't boost you immune system, I don't know what can!

(oranges, apples, cantaloupe and carrots)

They love it and I love making it, really. Most of the time, even before I can sit down and drink a glass of it, it's all gone. So I end up making another pitcher.

He loves the taste.

He loves slurping it up.

And, it's something they enjoy doing together. One of those rare times that the are not fighting / arguing / debating.

Things You'd Rather Not Have To Face

After 3 biopsies - lung aspiration, bone scan and lymph node samples -- the family finally got the answers. He had stage 4 cancer and they could no longer determine where the primary tumor originated. Whenever there would be free time during both our hectic schedules in the office, she would come to my table, hot cup of coffee in hand, she'd pull a chair and I'd bring out the biscuits. She'd talk and I would listen. She'd ask and I would try to answer. She would get teary eyed but her tears would never fall. I asked her why and she said she didn't ant anybody to see her crying, she wanted people to see her as someone strong.

I tried my best to bite my tongue but I felt I needed to say something. I told her I was that way a few years back, before I realized what true strength was. Everybody saw me as someone strong and I was sick of it. One day, I let loose. I cried and cried and cried and it felt much better. I shared with her my insights.

True strength isn't measured by out ability not to cry even in the most painful situations. For me, it's being able to express what you feel in front of other people because you know, in your heart that you are but human, You have feelings that cannot and should not be suppressed. But at the same time being able to regain composure and keep yourself together.

So i brought out the tissue. And she gave it a good cry.

Yesterday, she got a call from her sister. Her dad was in a worse condition. He could harldy breath anymore and could not sleep. He is 67 years old.

The family's initial decision was to forgo chemotherapy. After all, it would make him even weaker. But this morning, I got a message from my friend, sh was asking for the contact number of my Mom's oncologist. They decided to push through with some treatment.

This time, I bit my tongue. And kept my thoughts to myself.

Moments like these, I can't help but be thankful that those painful times in my life are over.

Keeps Me Sane, Really.

On the way to the grocery, in the car with my 6 year old son.

Josh: So, what did you want to become when you were young?

Me: Uh...A lawyer.

Josh: A lawyer!????!!!! (shock of his life tone)

Me: Yeah, like my Grandpa Sinai.

Josh: He was a lawyer?

Me: Uh huh. What about you, what do you wanna become?

Josh: A skyjumper!

Me: I mean to earn money (silly guy! Are you kidding me tone)

Josh: Ah, ok. A teacher! A teacher of little kids.

Me: Cool.

--- silence--- (which lasted for zero seconds)

Josh: Dead stinky worms make me feel sick.

Me: Uh, where did you see or smell dead stinky worms?

Josh: At home, while I was swinging in the garden.

Me: Seriously?

And then he laughs.

Ahh I need more of these conversations. They keep me sane.

The 2 Year Old Guy

It's been a month since he turned 2. From the day he was born, I knew I was in a for a whole new different adventure. He slept through the night (?), which lasted for just a week. But even if he would wake up in the middle of god knows what time, it wasn't such a struggle getting him back to peaceful slumber. He loves his breastmilk but didn't mind drinking it from the bottle as well.

Unlike his older brother who had me completely until he was 2, this guy was left at home with the househelp when he was just 3 months old because I had to go back to work. Official lunch breaks were spent speeding home so that I could feed him.

He walked before he talked and he couldn't sit up until he was 11 months. He hardly got sick and I'm thankful he doesn't have asthma. He was a good eater ever since.

Today he has evolved into such a character. He has a temper and is very determined. What his older brother does he always thinks he can do better. He is slowly developing a larger vocabulary. When I call his name he doesn't just come to me, he first asks "why?" When he sees food on the table which he loves, he says, "wow food!" He doesn't just have one lovey, he has 2 of them and he can't go to sleep with one of them missing. He says "uck" when he forgets to pee in the potty and demands he be "chucked" (changed) right away.
He says "I Wuv Woo!" And I say, "I do too sweetie."

Spin Spin Spin

It's been 2 months since I started getting serious about my weight and although it hasn't been easy, I've come to love it big time. Spinning has a lot of health benefits and the main reason I was drawn to it is the number of calories you burn in just one 45 minutes. As compared to using the treadmill where you usually burn between 200-400 calories in 30 minutes (running) or doing aerobic class where you burn between 500-700 calories in an hour, with spinning, you burn between 1000-1200 calories in 45 minutes.

Some say it'll make your leg muscle huge. Well not really, it will tone your leg muscles. Each teacher has their own focus. Like the class I attend on M W and F's focuses on stamina. All through out the workout, she keeps the pace very fast. I feel my heart pumping very fast. And the class I attend on T and TH's focuses on hard resistance. So a lot of the cycles for this class focuses on strength and agility.

With this routine I have been following for the past 2 months, I noticed that I sleep better at night and can carry a 30 pound toddler for a much longer time -- even up the stairs! I feel much better and have more confidence. Although I have only lost around 6 lbs, I can comfortably fit into a size 6 and can squeeze into some size 4 clothes.

Now dieting is a much different discussion.

Check out these sites and learn more about it!

Dancing On In My Heart

Because this picture posted by Momisodes brought back a lot of memories, I decided to go through that old box on my top most shelf of my shoe shelf which kept what was once very, very precious to me.
It all started one boring summer when I was 9. Tired of art workshops and the lack of a decent swimming pool in our city, my Mom decided to enroll me in ballet class. Everyday for 2 months, I would diligently attend a one hour class at a dance studio. When classes started, I started to feel that dancing ballet was a part of me. So I asked my Mom that I continue dancing.

Danced I did. When I was 11, I had my first ballet recital. But it was only when I turned 12 did I take dancing seriously. My ballet teacher informed me I was ready for pointe class. I was so happy! For the past 3 years, I only watched ballerinas on their toes with their pointe shoes pirouetting and perfecting their forme.

Ballet was all that mattered. I watched what I ate, I made sure I did not get too heavy, I grew my hair long so that I could easily pull it up into a bun. I was disciplined. I learned how to concentrate and focus. I would dance after class, when I got home. I would dream of the dance steps. I had so much respect for the art and I loved my pointe shoes. I would plaster my toes before wearing them, my toes would bleed - the bigger my smile would be. I was working hard at it. The audience didn't really matter, I didn't care about the blaring lights on stage-- all I wanted to do was dance.

Before long, I wore out my first pair. And then I got another.

Until I found another love.

I danced for 5 years. It remains close to my heart and will remain to be.

Never Under Estimate

If you have a toddler at home, do not leave anything you do not want him / her to get a hold of. No matter how much you think to yourself, "Nah, he won't be able to reach for it."

Given that there were 24 pieces of dunkin donuts munchkins in the box when I left it on top of the divider.
There he is not wanting to listen to my lecture.

Going Pure And Natural

I'm no health buff although I try my best to be sometimes, I have the tendency to forget. And with me turning a year older in a few days (gagging here), I've been thinking to myself that I ought to be more health conscious. Given that, lately as well, I have been witnessing death, hospitalizations and discoveries of illnesses of people close to those close to my heart. I found myself praying one day, saying that I pray I get to see my children grow well into their age when they will be old and independent enough for me to say that my stay here on earth has been well spent. And in the natural chronological order of things, a child buries a parent. And that's exactly how I would want things to be. Not the other way around.

I remember my Mom mentioning that she used the juicer when she found out she had cancer. And I knew that the juicer had been sitting on our shelf - collecting dust. And then one time, I bought a glass of all natural juice in a mall and saw part of its advertisement stating "5 vegetables and fruits a day can help battle cancer." And I knew that juicer on our shelf was waiting for me to pay attention to it.

So, I finally opened the dusty box and took out the juicer.Yes I was scared. There was no manual to be found. And all the parts were apart. So slowly, I tried to learn how to put it together--I finally did after about half an hour.

I cut up the fruits. You can actually use any combination. There is no particular recipe to be followed. From the normal apples and oranges you can experiment with other fruits. For this one, I used papaya, banana and pineapple. You can add carrots or broccoli. Whatever tickles or craving.

You can add water if you feel it is too concentrated. I added ice cubes.


I've tried mixing pineapple, apple and orange. Bananas don't produce much juice but just a few give a very strong flavor. A lot of juice can be extracted from apples, pineapples and oranges. Papayas have a very subtle flavor.

I'd want to try carrots, broccoli and tomatoes maybe. I read an article that uses celery and ginger as well. Anything can be juiced. And there are a LOT of health benefits! Forget about all the unnatural juice we give our kids! Natural juice contains natural sugar-- nothing artificial in it.

Rainy Days and Mondays....

When you have a lovely / relaxed / wonderful / fun filled / nice weekend, you never want Monday to arrive.


Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go.

Not too excited about it.

Ahem, not excited at all.

Dad

Because you taught me to live by my principles -- by what is right and should be.

Because you taught me never to settle for second best. To do my best in everything I did.

Because you made helped me realize my potentials -- who I could be.

Because through you eyes I saw the importance of being passionate in doing the things you love to do.

Because you taught me the importance of integrity.

Because you made me see why an act of kindness should never expect anything in return.

Because you taught me to be.

Because you allowed me to cry when I needed to cry, to laugh when I needed to.

Because you protected me like no one ever did.

Because you are my Dad.

I think about you everyday. I look for your presence, especially when I feel lost. I always think of what you would have said to all of life's questions.

I Love You Dad.

I question why you had to leave. I wish you were still here to see the boys - you'd be crazy about them.

Because you made me who I am today.

Because you made me come this far.

Because you LOVE me.

I wish you were here.

I Love You Dad. I Love You.


I Love You.

For Being You, Thanks.

No fancy presents this year, no planned out lunch or dinner out. This year, it'll just be the full appreciation of how much you mean. Thank You.
Happy Father's Day.

Them Cuties

Because this week has been emotionally draining and tiring and exhausting for me ---- I leave you with these, which make me forget all my worries.....

Where Can The Answers Be Found?

I wonder if it's wrong to remember the past, to dig into one's heart and bring to life what once was even if we fully know that that once will never be and can never be anymore. It becomes especially difficult especially when the memories you have stored are those which now you realize were the best part of your life and the pain grows deeper knowing that all you have left of that is a mere memory. And the not so good parts? Well, I guess, you will end up smiling as you remember them after all, that's what brought you here today after all.

I've been doing that a lot lately. Circumstance may have brought me to do so but also, it is my choice. I have my good days - when all the good times just come rolling out and that's as far as I choose to remember. But then again, pain comes when I feel that aching feeling in my heart craving to relive those good moments again. And yes, those heartbreaking, painful and sad parts are those which make me smile. It brings me to wonder whether I would prefer those times over the good. If I use my foresight, pain and sorrow will make me smile one day. And that in itself gives me hope for a happier tomorrow.

Loneliness has become my constant companion. It's that longing to have someone whom I can pour out my heart to. Everything that is in it. That even if what I have to say does not make any sense, I will still be listened to. I have so many dreams and plans. My sentiments I want to share. My anger. I want to laugh with someone. And sit in comfortable silence.

I tend to think a lot about the what might have been or the what could have been. It occupies me throughout my day. And sometimes I fall in love with my what could have been thoughts. They may be a distractions, but it allows me to focus.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be listened to. Sometimes, when you constantly tell yourself that everything is going to be OK, you will notice that no, everything does not seem OK. Nobody may really know what I am talking about because what I show others may be the complete opposite. Writing is my outlet then. What I say may not exactly be a reflection of what I do. But it is tiring. To keep pretending. To keep that smile on my face in order to hide the tears that roll down my cheeks when no one is looking. Everyday, you go on with the things you usually do partly because you just simply have to. But that feeling which keeps burdening my heart remains.

That void. I wonder what is it.

That Anger From Within

I got a message from one of my closest friends this afternoon. She was asking for prayers for Krystlle, her 14 year old niece (who I saw when she was growing up), who had cancer of the tissue. Krystelle had been in and out of the hospital for the past 5 months, the doctors advised against any sort of treatment since it seemed like it was too late already, the cancer had already spread.

I felt so sad.

After about an hour, my friend sent another message and said that Krystelle had passed away already.

How do you react to something like that. There was nothing I could say to make things less painful. What is there to say. There really isn't anything to say. It pains me to see people with cancer having to suffer. And it pains me more to see their loved ones left behind when they go.

Cancer is not easy. It is painful,in every aspect of it. But cancer patients are fighters. They give it one big fight and it is because of them that we are inspired to see life in a different way.

Cancer has hurt me. Cancer has pained me. Cancer has made me angry. Cancer has made me stronger. Cancer has hurt me.

Cancer took away my mom. It took away my grandfather. Cancer continues to take away so many special lives.


And I hate it.

Nope. Not. Really.

My nose grew an inch longer after I answered "I am!" to my six year old son after he asked me if I was a good speller. He's into spelling in school so I constantly play a game by asking him to spell certain words.

I suck at spelling. I cannot and will not dare compose anything if the spell check option is turned off OR if a dictionary is not beside me. It has been my struggle all these years. I was never a good speller in school. I disliked joining spelling bees. And until today, I do not have confidence in my spelling skills. I suck.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Josh spell man

Josh: M-A-N

Me: What about pants

Josh: P-A-N-T-S

Me: School

Josh: Hey Mom are you a good speller?

Me: Spell School

Josh: But are you? Are you a good speller?

Me: I am.

Josh: Then spell Clock

Me: C-L-O-C-K! See? I'm good.

And then he gives me a nod.

Well, for as long as he sticks to 5 letter words I guess I will be a good speller.

If Even Just For A While

The first night I saw her, her face was so clear and my emotions were so strong. It was a given that she had been sick and that had recovered and was back. There were things she said which offended me but I bit my tongue and reminded myself to just be thankful instead that indeed, she was back.

The next day, I saw her again. The whole time, we were just talking casually. About what I do not exactly remember. The next day, that was all I could think about -- the 2 nights that I had been seeing her. I found it a bit weird at first.

On the 3rd night, I saw her again. She was on the phone speaking with a cousin of mine who was talking badly at her and I kept telling her not to allow my cousin to treat her that way.

And then I woke up.

I spent almost the whole morning thinking about those 3 nights. I was trying to figure out what all that possibly meant but I just couldn't think of any reason why. And then it dawned upon me. She knows how much I miss her. I'm thankful that even if just in my dreams, I am able to touch her and feel her and talk with her. I yearn for her presence even if I know that will never be possible. It's a yearning tucked away in my heart, rarely shown to other people. And tonight, I'm giving it one good cry - it's something I haven't done in a long time, something I'm trying to
stay away from anyway. It feels good.

If I see her again tonight, it will feel better.

Today He Turned TWO

A year ago today,at exactly 7:25 in the morning a baby boy was born. A bit smaller than his older brother when he was born, his loud and powerful scream was nothing close to small.He proved to be a voracious eater. He loved his cookies.
And his socks.

He adores his older brother (when they aren't arguing, that is).
He is opinionated and determined to get what he wants but his affection for those close to him has no bounds.This morning I asked "Who's birthday is it today?" and he answered, "TWO!" and then I said "How old are you today?" to which he replied "ME!"

I can't believe he wore that rumper. I can't believe he's wearing that shirt already.

A Woman's Weakness?

I have been controlling myself for a long, long, long time. I sooooooo want to shop. I want to shop. I have a whole list (which has been stirring in my mind for the past month or so) of things that I want to buy- 3/4 of which are actually all "wants" and the remaining are our "needs." And because most of it are just wants, I have been controlling myself from breaking lose and going berserk.

Because I have children to think about, I am able to pass a store with a humongous screaming red SALE banner. Because I have to be more practical, I am able to pass a store with very very happy and content shoppers coming out with a zillion shopping bags. Because another pair of sleek black stiletto's is of no importance compared to a pack of diapers, I can control the palpitation of me heart when I see racks and racks and racks of office wear slashed by 70% of its original price.

But it still won't change the fact that I want to shop.

Which is why I'm thankful I have a little creature who says "I wuv woo."

Shopping suddenly comes 2nd on my list.

I'm Sorry But It's A No

When your job has something to do with hiring people, I figured, you're going to be doomed to face really, really, really determined people who would do ANYTHING just to land a job. I do not blame them- in a developing country like ours, having a job is essential if you want to survive. But we cannot discount the fact that most companies, do have job descriptions which include the necessary basic requirements in order to stick to the prescribed standards.

In the past 4 years that I have been working, I have met a number of people with character. Once, there was a lady who brought me and my box a big box of special sweets - right before her scheduled interview. I almost gave in to her bribe. KIDDING.

On another occasion, one applicant who already failed our standards would call 4 times a day in the hope of convincing us to give her another chance. I was very subtle to her at first and it seemed like she just didn't want to "drop" it, so I bluntly told her that she simply didn't make it. I wasn't surprised when she suggested she go to our head office and talk the higher ups to hire her. Seriously, I told her it wasn't proper but she didn't stop there. She started to plead. My heart went out to her, really. My heart goes out to a lot of applicants I tell you. It can be a tough job especially when I meet such a beautiful (speaking of inner beauty) person but simply doesn't make the cut because of other reasons like exams and / or basic requirements like degree finished or whether he or she is an under grad or not, etc. Going back, so she started to plead but I just could not give in.

Most of the time, the sticky situations I find myself in is processing an applicant as a favor because he or she was referred by a higher up, friend or acquaintance but is totally not qualified. I receive personal visits , numerous calls a day and email messages just trying to talk me into "giving __________ a chance."

I try to be polite and professional and sometimes I feel like I am about to snap back but I remind myself to bite my tongue and empathize with them. I've been turned down too in the past and it can be demoralizing AND depressing but certain things are just not meant to be, I guess. I'm still learning as well but I'm getting there.

Dr. Jones

I just could not connect to Harrison Ford's character in his other movies like What Lies Beneath and The Fugitive and oh yeah, Air Force One because for me, he would always always be Indiana Jones. Before watching the star wars trilogy wherein he also starred, I saw Indiana Jones first. And I loved it! The first I watched was Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade - I was 7 back then. We even visited the set in the MGM Studios in Disney World. I was more thrilled when I got to watch the first 2 Indy films.

And so since then, Harrison Ford stuck in my mind as Dr. Jones.

And today.... Tantanan Tantanantan Tantanan Tantanantantan..... I'm singing it. You could never forget the tune....So anyway, today, we got to watch the latest of Indy's films!!!

I enjoyed it a lot especially the first part. The story line towards the end wasn't that appealing though. But still, I got to see Dr. Jones! M 6 year old enjoyed it. I want to buy a collection of his first 3 movies.

Still No Cure, It Chooses No One

As soon as I got to the office this morning, my officemate who I have become close with over the few months I have been there, called me to the pantry because she wanted to tell me something. Well apparently, she got a call from her family last night to inform her that they found a tumor in her Dad's lungs. My heart dropped. And I couldn't really say anything for a good 10 minutes. I didn't know what to say. A big part of me just didn't want to say anything at all. What should you say?

She started asking about my Mom's case - hr battle with lung cancer. I wanted to share so much but at the same time, I didn't want to. My officemate said she will be visiting her dad after work and since her hometown is about 3 hours away from our city, she will be seeing her dad for the 1st time again in months. I told her to be ready for how her dad may look like since her mom said he already looked different.

I was thankful that my morning was pretty hectic preventing me from finding time to sit down and talk with her. I used that time to reflect and collect my thought. Damn hard.

We had lunch together. She needed someone to listen, so I did. It was very painful. I felt for her and remembered the ordeal my Dad and Mom went through and how painful it was for all their loved ones see them suffer and die.

Before we left the office, I told her to take care. I said it would be good to be as logical and practical as possible but she should cry it out if she felt so.

Trying times like these can make us or break us. Difficult as it can be, it is all up to us. I pray her father beats this. The big C.

No Harm In Trying

3 weeks ago, the bank I worked for joined the annual Sportsfest of the association to which we belong. I woke up early and passed on joining the fun run. No thanks I said. When the games began, I excitedly waited to watch them all play. I had no plans of joining the games - at all. I was there to organize and support. Until...


There. Ever had people around you make you feel guilty? Anyway, all I heard around me was ..."For the sake of the cammaraderie"... and "Be a sport." I wanted to bail out but hey, for the sake of having fun, I joined and played table tennis - doubles. The last time I played ping pong was probably when I was in college. Geez. I was nervous, but I focused. And then...

We won!

It Can Get Crazy, But Ironically, It Keeps Me Sane

When I started working, I asked my Mom why she worked all her life. And she said providing for the needs of the family was her primary reason aside from her love for teaching that is.Seeing her divide her time between work and the family is something I witnessed while growing up which I think had a huge impact on my choice to be a working Mom as well.

I saw her get up early in the morning to fix breakfast, she saw me off to school, she would have 2 or 3 classes a day, she would pick me up, she would prepare dinner, she would check papers, tests and quizzes before retiring for the day. And when I had my eldest, she would squeeze in a lot of time to look after him, bring him out or play with him.

She was very active in my school activities. Attending PTA meetings, staying up late to help me review for our quarterly exams, attending my taekwondo competitions, helping me with my school projects. As I got older, we would both crunch our brains trying to solve my algebra problems (we're both not too good with numbers), brainstorm with me on ideas for my thesis and help me prepare for class presentations.

For 23 years of my life, I saw her do that. Which is why I think, right after graduation, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to find work even if my son was only 2 at that time.

Her being a working mother was never an issue with my Dad. Which is why I think I found it not to be an issue at all with my husband that I worked.

She didn't need to say anything, really. I never hear her tell me that I needed to work when I grew up nor did she say that I stay home at care for the kids when I had my own family. Maybe she meant it to be that way, for me to see it as a choice. For me to realize what I am supposed to be - on my own. No pressure, nothing dictated upon me. Merely witnessing who she was gave me enough inspiration although I never really paid much attention to it. Only now that I am working and have my own kids did I realize how much love is required to last the day.

At the end of each day, when I come home tired and my feet hurt, before complaining, I quietly thank the Lord for my aching feet and tired body because I know my day was productive, I know that the work I did for that day was all worth it - for me, the kids and the family.

It may be a choice. Yes, I think it is. And I have chosen to be this. I do feel enormous amounts of guilt leaving the little one at home when I leave for work but I try my best to be creative when it comes to managing my time so that nothing is sacrificed.

My children are still young and I have a long way to go. There are days which end p being soooo crazy starting at 6 in the morning and seems like evening is so far away. Hectic schedules, busy lines, endless expectations, pressure. But as Susie said, you have to find you balance. And I think this is my balance.

One day, I will look back at all of this and I know I will find myself smiling, fondly remembering how crazy it could get. But right now, I will look forward to the impact I am creating on the lives of my children. Someday, they will appreciate it. It could be long after I am gone, but I know they will. Just as I have.

Thanks Mom.

Again, Where Did Time Go?

I'm starting to feel a bit panicky.

Somebody is turning 2 in 7 days.

I'm Thankful It Came.

The rains started to pour on Friday night. I didn't quite notice the wind yet until late Saturday morning. We all decided to stay indoors since the weather outside didn't look too good. Monsoon rains in May, I thought. Come Saturday afternoon, the rains and winds were getting much stronger. I tried not to pay much attention to it, after all, it still is summer.

The lights suddenly went off together with winds that were strengthening. Was there a storm? How can there be a storm in the middle of May? Storms come in June, I thought. As darkness crept in, I realized and convinced myself that yes, I think there is a storm. I cooked in the dark with the help of candles. The kids tried to entertain themselves in the dark but not before long they were both scaring each other and then there was crying. I lit my candle collection on top of our piano, just to add a bit more light to the very dark house.

We could hear the wind blowing and the rain banging on the window panes. It was still pretty early and then I had an idea. I told the hubby that it would be great to "camp" out. So we fixed the mattresses of our beds on the floor, brought out the blankets and pillows and made space for all of us to sleep beside each other. The night was so cold but the moment just warmed my heart so much. We all had a blast finding enough space to comfortably sleep and surprisingly, we all slept so well.

The lights didn't come on the whole day the next day. It decided to come back on the day after the next.

With the lights back on, the sun came peering through the clouds.

After the storm came the sun. As it always does.

The lights

Ramblings...Writing Away

It was one that was marked in my heart. Young as I was, i believed I knew what love was. What it meant. And all I really cared about was the fact that this thing called love felt good. It gave me the high. Never mind if people laughed at me, why did I have to care? All I wanted to care about was the happiness I was feeling. I do not remember what was so memorable but it was memorable.

But as people say, nothing lasts forever. And so it didn't. At that time, I didn't know what was to come next. Was it finally over or was I just telling myself it was? I tried to forget. I tried to look for outlets to forget it, to forget him. I thought I did. I wanted to make myself believe that I was helping myself get better - get over it.

It lasted for a while. It felt like a long time but as I look back, it wasn't. I tried to distract myself. I met a person who tried to help me forget. And I wanted to believe that I was happy again. But hard as I tried, it wasn't working. I tried to focus and refocus but it didn't work. I probably tried to hard, until I guess I realized it wasn't worth fooling myself and the person who was starting to believe that he had found his happiness. It was a risk, a scary thing to do. But I had to let go and I had to make him let go.

And I did. I went back to my old happiness believing that it truly was my happiness.

Was it?

Mom...

When I was little, you used to tag me along to your school where you taught. I used to sit in when you had class and soon, your students became my friends / baby sitters. I watched you work so hard everyday.

When I started going to school, you would wake up early each day just to cook breakfast and send me off to school. You would if you had the time, pick me up in school. You would do the groceries and marketing before coming home to make sure that dinner would be served.

You would stay up late helping me review, finish my projects, help solve math problems and read stories to me before going to bed. When I would fall asleep, you would finish the dishes before checking your students papers and studying for your next days lessons to teach.

You made me feel how proud you were of me even if there were so so many times I let you down. You stood by me during my darkest moments.

You taught me the essence of hard work. You taught me never to give up. You taught me to face the consequences of my mistakes. You taught me how to be a mom.

You taught me so much.

You left when I still had so many questions to ask you. But you had your reasons.

When I make decisions, I always think of you. I feel lost most of the time and I find myself looking for your presence. I miss you everyday. I remember you all the time.

I Love You Mom. I Miss You much more than anyone could ever imagine.

Happy Mother's Day Ma.

After All, It Is Our Day

We celebrated it as mom-daughter for 18 years.We celebrated it together as moms for 3 years. I have been celebrating it alone for the past 3 years.

It's that time of the year again. I wanted to believe that it would get easier as the years went by. But not really, the feelings stirring in me are still the same as they were last year and the year before. Maybe it can be described differently, but the intensity is still the same.

The feeling of inadequacy has been so heavy lately. Wanting to turn to someone to talk to, to ask about things, to share stories with. Wanting to ask if what I am doing is right, if I should do something more, etc.

I guess being a mom now just makes me realize what kind of a bond only a mother and a child could share. It pains me to know that now that I want to nurture that bond with my Mom, I can't do it anymore.

Life was never explained to me in full detail-- after all, that would have been impossible to do. But growing up as an only child may have shielded me from a lot of the harsh realities of life. Is anyone to blame? And just when I was entering adulthood, the Lord decided it was time for Him to take away my parents. It was easy to accept in the beginning because just thinking of them having to suffer more (in the hospital) pained me too much. But as time has gone by, I have found myself questioning what this is all about.I'm not as strong as people think I am. And many times, I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Or scream my head off. Or fall asleep for 10 years.

There are so many things I want escape. I'm yearning for that voice that could tell me that everything will turn out right. That things will be OK.

Each day I tell myself that later would be better, that tomorrow will be fine. Even if deep down in my heart there is so much doubt. It has proven to be very difficult to fight that doubt, to keep the faith, to believe that behind every grey cloud is a silver lining. Reality bites. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Nobody knows and nobody will ever know.

Chit Chat

With my boss on maternity leave, I have been manning the "battle station" all by myself. I try my best to be creative about the way I manage my time so that I get to finish the day's work and if there are some pending tasks left to do for the next day, I try to leave it at a minimal so that back log is avoided.

But the past 2 weeks have been a bit crazy. I have been trying to look like a headless chicken running around. As much as I try to keep my day sane, I have so far one big complaint to complain about.

So much of my time has been spent on the telephone. It's crazy. You sit down, the phone rings. Sometimes it is an important concern or issue but in between the conversation, there is always the small chit chat. You stand up, the phone rings. Chit chat again. While interviewing, the phone rings. And then chit chat again, of course I always have to be polite. Without my own secretary, I have no way of screening the calls. So even if the concern is not that important, I end up having to entertain the call.

Before I know it, half of the day is gone.

It's crazy.

And then the phone rings again.

What To Do On A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

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Eerie Changes

In our country, we basically just have 2 seasons -- the wet and the dry. The wet season covers the months of June - September when all the tropical typhoons hit the Northern part (where I live) of our country while the dry season covers late October - May. Summer for us is April and May.

It has been a month since summer has set in but I wonder why it isn't summer AT ALL.

Years ago, I knew summers as long, warm, sunny days. The normal temperature of the city where I live ranges from just 12 C to about 22 C. For us, hitting 24 - 25 C is HOT and a big bowl of halo-halo or a popsicle stick enjoyed with cousins would be the best solution to cool the heat. Unlike the rainy season when the sun would set by 5 in the afternoon, summer afternoons last until 630 or 7 in the evening. The cool wind that would blew in the afternoon would be enjoyed outside in the porch or in the small playhouse built in the middle of my grandmother's garden.

As I grew older, summer mornings would be spent taking up summer classes and then long afternoons would be spent at cafe's or bars chit chatting with friends. A cold glass of beer would be our solution to cool the heat - or am I being contradictory? We would always complain about how hot the weather was. Sleeveless blouses, shorts and windbreakers would be in our cabinets while our thick warm heavy jackets would be packed away until June or July.

April and May for me, would always be memorable.

But as I said, May has set in already and I do not quite know where the summer is. It has been raining since the start of April- everyday, even in the mornings. The small inflatable pool of the boys has only been swam in twice because by 9 or 10 in the morning, heavy grey clouds start looming above our skies. By 2 in the afternoon, thunder and lightning and heavy heavy rains cover our city. Umbrellas and thick jackets are always a must when I go out. I have not had more than 3 halo-halo's since April.

It is what we have been doing to our home -- Earth. I know this is just one of the few effects of all the trash we have been throwing, all the pollution, emitted by our cars, all the trees we have been cutting,etc.

I wonder if the "old" can still be saved. Is it still reversible?

Change can be good - as some say, but this kind of change, I don't think so.

How He Trains

At A Loss

How great are you when it comes to getting along with you in-laws?

I admire families who have great relationships with their in-laws. I think it really is an issue for some. My cousin gets along perfectly with her MIL. They shop together, they go out together, they travel abroad together, she takes care of the grandchildren, they have long talks, my cousin can cry her heart out to her.

And you know what? I find myself envious of her.

I have tried so many times, to reach out to my MIL and my SIL's, especially after my parents both died and having no sibling, I really felt that they would be my second family. For a while I did believe it could actually happen but as time went by, I realized I was pushing it, I was trying too hard.

2 years ago, I suggested to my SIL (hubby's older sister), that we take an out of town trip to Cebu with my other SIL, the hubby and my eldest. We did go and we did have fun. I did and now I wonder if they did. A year after, I suggested yet again that we have another out of town trip to Boracay. Again, we all went. There are times when I tell them if they want to go watch a movie, to call me. Or if they wanted to go shopping, I was just a text away. Never happened. All those times that we actually went out or met up, it was because I contacted them and invited them out. When we do go out, it's as if we all enjoy each other's company. So I don't really get it why they can't be the ones to make the 1st move.

But for the past 3 months, I sort of told myself to stop. And true enough, they never got in touch with me. For Josh's birthday, I am not sure if they even did remember. In a month's time, my second one will be turning 2, I wonder if they will remember.

I have cried about it, prayed about it, talked about it, gotten angry about it, tried to laugh about it too.

It's sad because I love them and I care about them but I don't know if they want me to.

Thoughts 04.19.2008

(Palawan 2006)

Lately, I have been getting a lot of "me" time. Not really by spending time alone but I realized that "me" time can also happen when you choose to have it. And for me, my "me" time happens when I chose to shut out everything around me- all the chaos, all the drama, all the chit chat and just listen to myself.

I love to talk, I love to express my feelings and opinions but lately, I have been loving talking to myself within me. Just listening to my own thoughts. Assessing what I have to say -to myself- before saying it out loud.

During one of my "me" times - which was in the shower after doing gym, it dawned upon me that which each birth of my children, a death was closely accompanied by it.

On January 7, 2002 which happened to be my Mom's 54th birthday, my 91 year old grandmother (mom of mom) passed away quietly in the hospital. On February 24 of that same year, my eldest was born.

On June 6, 2006 my other grandmother (mom of dad) passed away quietly in her room in the house of my Dad's sister. My 2nd child was 10 days old.

I believe that with each loss comes a new addition. That mourning is always accompanied by dancing in the morning.

1 month after I found out I was carrying my 2nd child, my Mom went home to her heavenly dwelling.

We realize that life goes on. It always will. For us, it may stop for a while but it will go on just as the earth will never stop rotating. Every sunset reminds of the sunrise we must look forward to. With every breath lost comes a new heartbeat. We are reminded of who we are and of who we can never be, of what we are and of what will become of us.

Fire

My Aunt informed me this afternoon that my cousin's apartment in Manila burned down. She called the house around 2am this morning. According to her, the top floor of the whole apartment complex burned down so she wasn't able to save anything on her 2nd floor. No shoes, no clothes, no nothing. The first thing she did was to move her car to a safe place. She was able to grab her laptop, camera and bag.
And that's about it.
The things in her 1st floor were "saved" but are all wet.
My Aunt goes down tonight to go see her. She will have to look for a new place and buy some things for herself. I packed whatever clothes I feel would fit her.
I am just glad she is OK and that nothing happened to her.

Not My Best Week

Last Friday, after gym, I took a shower before heading off to work. As I was locking the car doors, I started to see an aura at the left side of my left eye. I knew I was doomed. As I entered the office, I immediately searched for my migraine meds and realized that the puoch where I keep those meds were not with me. I immediately asked an officemate if she had a painreliever tab, luckily she did. So I took it. The aura was getting worse and worse and I just wanted to throw up. So I did. Out came the medicine. I took another one and tried to keep it inside me. But I couldn't. So out it went again. After about half an hour, I popped another tab into my mouth. I started work but in the middle of interviewing applicants, I would excuse myself just to run t the bathroom and throw up. Unlike others who are affected by heat or the glare of light during a migraine attack, I become very sensitive to sound. And some of my officemates were juts speaking so loud or laughing their hearts out. My head was throbbing. Lunch break seemed so far away. I tired to catch a quick nap while pretending to work right in fron of my boss --- didn't work. Come lunch time, I decided to go home to catch a quick nap-- I left the car and took a cab. I slept it off for a good 45minutes. When I woke up, I just had a headache. But I felt so drained--like a hang over.

On Monday. after coming from the beach, the lights went out twice- I was on the computer happily reading blogs. So I restarted the computer each time the lights would come back on. On my 3rd attempt, the screen of the laptop went blue and left me a message saying something like "check if hard disk corrupted." GREAT. I tried to troubleshoot (not a techy person here by the way) and after several attempts, I finally go the message: the hard disk did crash.

The next day, I went to the gym. I got great news. I do not weigh 118lbs, instead, I weigh 123lbs. I was 123lbs when I delivered the little one. AND THEN, they measured my body mass and body fat. The results: 20% of my total weight is composed of fat. How great can that be.

Yesterday, my boss met up with me and discussed some issues brewing at the office. Very petty and trivial things which in my opinion is so shallow. Too many other important things to focus on than such issues, but then...

Today was not as bad. I hope tomorrow will be better.

It will be.

Reasons Why I Heart Summer

1. There is no morning rush (no school for Josh, remember?)
2. The cool crisp air, the clear blue sky and the birds chirping just freshen up my day.
3. No need to bring an umbrella for the afternoon rains.
4. Each sunny day always gives me hope of a happ day ahead!
5. The wash dries very fast.
6. The afternoon heat is an excuse for an ice cream scoop or a popsicle.
7. It is flip flop season! (when not in the office that is)
   
8. No need for thick. bulky jackets.
9. The kids get to play in the garden every single morning.
10. Summer = Beach
    

I LOVE YOU

Thank you for changing my life.

Thank you for making me appreciate the miracle of life.

Thank you for teaching me to accept my faults and admit them openly.

Thank you for making me a stronger person. Matured and wiser.

Thank you for making me more responsible and less self centered.

Thank you for reminding me to be thankful each day for each breath that we take.

Thank you for softening my heart.

Thank you for teaching me to enjoy each days adventures.

Thank you for teaching me to be more affectionate and demonstrative with my love.

Thank you for reminding me to be more thankful even for just the littlest things.

Thank you for allowing me to enjoy taking care of you.

Thank you for the joy and warmth in my heart that you bring to me each day.

Thank you for reminding me of the beauty of uniqueness.

Thank you for amazing me.

Thank you for the smile you give every time which reminds me that yes, there is hope.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for allowing me to love you.

Thank you for giving me the best adventure this life has to offer.

Thank you.

I Love You.

It's A Me Post

Yesterday, I finally did something about my struggle. For the first time in 7 years, I did some decent exercise. Not considering chasing after a 1 year old or climbing after a 5 year old that is. It had been brewing in my mind for a couple of weeks already. I decided to get in touch with a close friend of mine who happens to be a health buff. I told her I wouldn't go to the gym alone and I am happy that she did say we could be gym buddies.
The next thing that crossed my mind was - when will I have the time to actually work out? The kids, work, the chores- how was I going to squeeze in everything and manage to spare an hour for myself to be able to go to the gym? But then I realized that everybody - whether mom or dad or daughter or grandmother- everybody is entitled to some "me" time. Whether you use it to just be alone and read a book, to shop, to go to the salon, to play a sport, to be with friends - in my case, my "me" time now is going to the gym.
I figured going to the gym after work would be too tiring and I would probably be too lazy to get myself to the gym after a long days work, so I decided that the best time for a work out would be early in the morning.
I joined the spinning class. You sit on stationary bikes and do "hills" as in like you are climbing a hill on a bike. I thought I was going to pass out. Seriously. My sweat just kept pouring like mad. It felt really good though. I felt so upbeat the whole day, no sluggish feeling.
Today I woke up with really really really sore muscles. I decided I was not going to push my body to the edge so I didn't work out today. But tomorrow I will go back. And because I know myself better, I decided to enroll and become a member of the fitness club so that I will be forced to push myself to work out on a regular basis.
On the weighing scale here at home (which happens to be very inefficient), I weigh 115lbs. I think a good +3-5lbs would be the more accurate weight. I plan to lose at least 10lbs.
After having children, some (like me) tend to forget to take care of their bodies. For me, it became an excuse to not take care of my body - my being "busy" all the time and not finding time to do something about it. I want to start living a healthier lifestyle- which includes a big part of my eating habits. I have been eating more fruits and vegetables. I have been consciously taking more glasses of water. Eventually I would want to cut down on too much salty and fatty foods. Am not good at doing things cold turkey.
I hope I get somewhere this time.